well i guess time hurried. right now life is just a jumble of busy and attempts at a social life with a little bit of frustration and stress. i'd mark it as a decent semester thus far. things seem to have a way of coming together eventually at their own speed. i need to stop trying to rush things that don't want to be rushed. i'm working on enjoying what i have right now instead of just focusing on what i want in the future. if i keep it up, i'll miss out on things. i guess i'm working on a lot. the first part is to realize what it is that i need to work on and then decide to have a go at it. so that's what the rest of my fall semester will be devoted to: working on things. school. life. interests. relationships. friendships. everything, really. everything.

moving on; i wish the summer would end already. it's not that i'm not enjoying it, it's just that i have so much to look forward to. i want time to hurry up, because i'm tired of waiting around for it to fly.

relationships are difficult, and i feel lost now that i've ended mine. i have nowhere to sort my thoughts, i have to resort to this. it doesn't matter anyway. i think i've made a mistake.

i left, and i'm here. i lost my computer for a month; getting it back was bittersweet. life seems to be a bit more interesting when it isn't hazed by electronics. maybe not more interesting, but less interesting. i think in this case they're one in the same. i have too much time to think about everything, but i can't manage to think about anything. it's a slow process, but i think i'll get there. i don't really have any other choice.

and it's a little nerve wracking. not that i'm not excited, i really am. it's one of the best things i could do with myself right now. but my life just feels like a blur, i feel like i'm stuck in the middle of so much that i can't find my way out of. maybe i need this more than i think i do. i think all i've ever needed is just to get away. so i'm going, but i'll still be here.

people are just all kinds of ridiculous. frustrating beyond belief. i'd give up on people again, if i hadn't done it already.

i have the tendency to continually return to the things i once loved. they're so comforting, and i don't want to let go. it doesn't inhibit my life, it just sits in the back of my mind, and creeps its way forward every now and then. i should be happy with what i have now. why aren't i? why am i always left with the desire for more? why does the past seem much better in the past? when it's in the present, it's so undesirable. i thought i was making a lot of progress, but i just feel like a mess again. what's wrong with me? &ps: b, where are you?

i'm overwhelmed. there are too many thoughts in my brain at one time, it can't hold them all. i wish i could put them somewhere, but everywhere is too concrete. i can't put them here, my brain needs to learn how to organize. organize and forget. and let go. && the western sea will do me good. && time needs to start fleeting faster.

here comes the sun, here comes the sun, and i say it's alright.

meet me any place, some place, your favorite place, wherever that place is. pick any time, just show up. i'll guess it and maybe i'll see you, and maybe i won't. who knows? i don't. just go there, eventually i'm sure i'll find you. after all, there are only so many places. this sphere is too small, too few places to go. i know that i'm supposed to find you anyway. and i will, eventually. place is one of those words that after looking at it for so long, it isn't real anymore. i think that's how i am. after looking at me for so long i cease to exist.

i'm trying to stop trying. i'm done with doing things in an attempt to impress people. i'm coming to terms with the fact that i'm just not an impressive person, i'm just not. so now i'm doing things simply because i like them, no matter how badly i may do them. it's bound to be better than what i've been doing. people just aren't really worth it anyway. all offense.

i'm so tired of everything. i just feel like my life is so exhausted. i'd really like to go to california, and i wish i had the guts to just go. but so much of me just can't. but, i really need to. i can't handle this place anymore, i need a fresh feeling. i don't think i'll get it anywhere other than there. i owe it to myself, i really do. so does everyone else.

i think most people have a tendency to float back towards places or people from their pasts. i can't say i blame myself, i have some fond memories here. and even if nothing at all comes from revisiting, and maybe there will be no more future revisits it gives me a sense of comfort to know that at one time, i was happy here. and it's still here, and so am i. sometimes. edit: i wish i was this eloquent in real life.

so i suppose i was right when i said i wouldn't keep writing. shocking. so school started, and my excitement died. i've realized that college is merely a more expensive continuation of high school. almost every aspect is the same with the exception of dorms, and quite frankly i'd rather live at home. the freedom isn't worth it. but, with the beginning of school also came the end of my loneliness as far as relationships are concerned. my friendship problems are still the same as ever, but i think it's the same with everything, i care more than everyone else. i'd just like to finish school and start my real life. this is just a big gap of time to fill with unimportant things i care nothing about. i need to do something productive and make something of myself. that's my major complaint as of right now. i can't exactly say i'm going to regret college. i have learned a lot about myself and about other people, as cheesy and cliche as that may sound, it's the truth. so for now, and possibly another few months, that's all i have to say.

i really like writing in this journal. it just feels so private and personal, even though anyone can read it. maybe i'll do it more often. more likely than not, that won't happen. lately i just don't know how i've been feeling. i've been feeling a lot of things at once. unfortunately they're not the best feelings. to start off, i've felt kind of lonely. just a general kind of lonely. i keep feeling like i'm drifting away from my friends, or more like they're drifting away from me. i constantly feel like i put more of an effort into spending time with them than they put in to spend time with me. as of right now, i feel like all of my friendships and relationships in general are just one-sided. i've also been stressed out. my family just always has this way of putting me into these situations where i just feel like i'm letting someone down. i originally had plans to move in with my aunt and uncle in boston, and i was really excited for it, but then my dad decided that we weren't going to move from this house until a month after we originally planned to do so. which put me in the situation of not wanting to disappoint my aunt and uncle, but not wanting to hurt my dad either. i think i just worry about things more than they need to be worried about. back on the subject of lonely, i've felt incredibly unattractive lately. not just appearance wise, but generally speaking. [i guess i'm a generally a pretty general person.] i think all of these things are just a part of my extreme anticipation. i'm looking forward to school so much. just the chance to start fresh, make new friends, meet new people, control my own life and have my biggest worry be what time i'm going to dinner and when i can fit that paper into my schedule. it's just relieving to think about. i'll stop blabbering now. i know i probably seem like a pessimistic mess, but i'm really not. i'm just having a hard time with life right now. i hope everyone is doing well and is enjoying their summer. sincerely, caroline

i never seem to update this. but i'm not really sure anyone is on here anymore anyways. school is coming to an end. it took twelve years, but i'm finally here. it's so weird to think that i'm graduating and going off to college. i'm going to have so much freedom, such a stress free life. i deserve this. it's almost scary though to think about leaving this. you live every single day for eighteen years under someone else's control, every minute scheduled for you, and even though you have some control over what you do and what you become, you aren't really free. and then all of the sudden your life is entirely yours. when you think about it that way, it's actually really scary. but what's scarier is knowing that i'm so ready for it. too ready. i've decided to go to umass amherst next year, and i'm pretty proud of it. every new thing i do just gets me more excited. i think my family is moving this summer too. to where i'm not sure. i know my sister wants to go to the west coast. but i guess we'll see what happens. as much as i hate this town, i'm not ready to leave it yet. i've become so close to certain people this year, and i'm just not ready to leave them. despite all of the bad things that have happened, everything is turning out pretty ok. so, i hope everyone is doing well. i'll be back soon

so, i'm doing alright. everything is alright. well, sort of. i don't know, i think i could consider myself content for the time being. but well, that's it. i hope everyone is doing well. always, caroline.

happy holidays. and even more importantly, a happy new year. i hope everyone has a good holiday season.

well fortunately enough, december has been a tiny bit better. ok, not really, but i'm incredibly relieved because today i sent out all of my college applications. needless to say, i was ecstatic, and more relieved then i've ever been before. i never fathomed that they would be quite so easy, but they really are. so now that i have that out of the way, there's a lot less to worry about. otherwise, things haven't been going so fantastically, but i have hope for the holidays, and even more hope for the new year. i think that's why new year's is my favorite holiday. because it's a new year, it's a new place to start. hopefully this new year i won't be too disappointed. i hope everyone is doing well.

i've come to the conclusion that november is the worst month of the year. of this year especially. it seems like nothing can go right. everything is slowly falling apart. and i agree with riley, and his feeling that this may last through the winter. i guess that winter is just the season of wrongs.