I'm Jones-ing for a Keith's. It's a Canadian thing so you might not understand. Kinda like your understanding of well-played hockey. That was cruel and I apologize. If it helps, an American team with mostly Canadian and Nordic players will probably win the cup. In sports, it's a money thing and US franchises generate a lot of it. An old man told me today that unemployment in Flordia is hovering around 13%. Not Cool.

It's ten o'clock and I wanted to write this entry all by hand, followed by an attempt to rewrite it from what I see and/or remember. Needless to say that the memory aspect of the plan failed as it's 17 days after it was written. Anyway, things are turning out just as I expected, busy, while the amount of shopping done was slow to increase. It's getting there though. I doubt if even the impending shopping spree will help me see the true joy of the season. Oh, speaking of which, I think I've decided to switch to contacts, providing I can still wear glasses at the same time. Kinda odd, but when your self identity has included glasses for about 3/5th of your life, it's tough to move away with it. No need to change my look anyway - the spectacles work just fine for me all the same. I think I'll do the same thing come my 66th birthday. Start walking with a cane so that when I actually need it, nobody'll be the wiser, and for a good couple of years, people'll under-estimate my powers. Sounded like a good plan a yesterday anyway. Came home not too long ago, and realized that I take my defeats too close to the heart; or for a better term, too personal. And you'd think that after a few of these that a person would eventually disconnect themselves from the emotional aspect of failure but not so, not so at all. Keep a tight hold they say, get 'em next time... what if next time never comes? One thing I'm good at - cutting losses. Take my word for it folks. Look at a situation, recognize if you've got it as good as it'll ever get and then get the hell out of there - take what you can and never look back. Well, I've mastered the first part of the recommendation, when I master how to never look back, I'll let you know. Maybe that's why I tend to stop good things before they even get a chance to start- wind up moving too slow or with an uncalculated haste which only winds up making me feel worse about things because the result is the same either way. Then there's that damned transition between feeling like a failure to feeling great. Happened the other day and drove me to some rather uneasy thoughts all because of a pump-truck. I mean, the feelings aren't invalidated because they're dismissed easily - doesn't the fact that they are meditated upon count for something? I guess they'd matter more if a person were to actually act out an ill concieved idear. I mean, if a person were to actually reach a level whereby all safties, self control and higher reasoning capabilities are disengaged... well, that's saying something. FYI, I don't necessarily fully endorse any of my methods for use without first consulting me or at least geting the opinion of someone qualified to replace my judgement. Oh, and speaking better judgement and pressure I'm thinking that things are going to be changing aroung here in the upcoming months. I can't quite explainit, but I just got a hunch is all. As of yesterday [and up to even today (the 30th)] my sister started talking about marriage... I think come next year she'll be engaged - married in the next two. Can't say that I'll miss her immensly, or that it's premture... Let me rephrase that. They're a little over-anxious, but she's getting up there in age - so in that sense, it's about bloody time - know what I mean? I guess she's kinda picked up the whole idea of having a realistic life of her own. Funny how it happened to the eldest after it happened to the youngest. Sometimes I really wonder, but I better not say anything for I know not how things'll transpire for me. As it is, I've been single for over a year, so I'll be lucky if I even find someone interested, let alone committed. Know what I mean? Onto other, less meaningful yet still important matters though... Actually, that's where I decided to go to sleep due to an increased measure of depressants in my system. Anything I really input now should really be under a new entry, so in relation to that, I think it's best if I just end this one here and begin a new entry... You can continue reading if the mood should take you. Comment where ever the mood should take you, but I'm not sure if it's really worth your while... could be though. Continuing, - Captain B. Skipped

I sometimes find myself writing for the sake of writing, other times I write to prove a point. The former is where I generally get my best thoughts whereas the latter generally amounts to no more than an exploratory essay on whatever it is that compelled me to pick up my (figurative) pen. It was only a few days ago that I found myself yet again divulging the 'less-than-respectable" parts of my past to my soon-to-be spouse. Not that I mind. The way I see it, if I'm going to do something, I'm going to do it right or not at all. So by extension, if we're going to be spending the rest of our living lives together, she should know me better than anybody else and as much as some of you cringe at that thought, I'm okay with it... Mainly because it's always reciprocated. Anyway, I was somewhere in the middle of my story when I realized how long it had been since I had picked up that pen and wrote about something meaningful. I guess I've been so busy concerning myself with planning the future and juggling the present that I somehow neglected my pseudo-passion. But “what,” is the question. What was it that I wanted to write about? Ideas came and went, but they mostly went and is my custom, I usually travel to particular places for inspiration just shortly after I beat my head against my bedroom wall. I'm sorry to say that tonight was no different and currently I am sitting not 200 metres from my inspiration. I'm actually sitting in a coffee shop. Not a coffee house - coffee shop. If the difference eludes you, I suggest you pay a visit to Wikipedia or take a marketing course. I strong suggest the second option, but that's just me. There are two middle aged coloured men sitting a few tables behind me; one with a thick west-Indian accent and the other seems to have been in Canada long enough to be able to turn the accent off in public and back on around other west-Indians. He does this to convince them that he hasn't been completely assimilated into North American culture. He's also a part-time preacher from the sounds of it. I was just at my old high school. I often find myself drawn back for no apparent reason. No, that a lie. There are a bunch of apparent reasons, it just depends on who's story you believe. The only thing we can all agree on is that everybody else is wrong. My mother would say that it's because I'm suppose to be a teacher while part of me says that I have unfinished business there. Either something else to give, get or (more than likely) both. But like I was saying, when I walk along the property things happen. It's where I first kissed my fiancée and decided what I was going to do with the rest of my life - and all of this was after I graduated. Something's going on at the school tonight. A play I think. A television van was there. It could be a championship game, but after my graduating year it all went downhill and not just sports - the entire school. Either way, I was walking between the new portables and somewhere between number twenty-eight and number seven hundred and sixty-three I realized that I was, in fact trespassing. Of course, the sign that read, "field usage by permit only" and the fact that I was indeed permit-less also contributed to the realization. It was almost as though everything that I had done for the school and everything that it had done for me didn't matter and that after your four years are up, you are in fact merely trespassing. You might as well be breaking into somebody's house because you'd both feel and be treated the same way. We are all, in fact, trespassing. As much as we work towards something and no matter what we belong to, it is in fact temporary. Things change, we all change. We will grow up, grow into and grow out of everything. And yes, I am counting negative growth as a form of growth. It's all temporary and I do no mean this in a fatalistic or emo way (quite the opposite in fact.) What I do mean is that because everything changes in the micro (the majority of us only ever able to effectthis realm) we must cherish, relish and make the most of each temporary state we find ourselves a part of. You see sometimes we'll know when it'll end - things have dates of expiration, mandatory completion dates, deadlines etc. Something’s though... something’s are unannounced. In fact, most of our temporary states expire before we can completely or more than likely, ever get a chance plan ahead. The funny thing is that even the memberships (a crude but functional title for our purposes) that we willingly end will result in some form of regret or "what if." And that's the best case scenario. So am I suggesting that we spend out lives attempting to optimize every departure/ ending we encounter? No, that's just ludicrous. We'd end up spending more time planning the endings than enjoying it, the beginnings or the in-betweens. what I am suggesting is that you enjoy everything the best you can. Not because it'll end sooner then you'd ever imagined but enjoy it for all of it's intrinsic value - both genuine and conceived. At the end of the day, we're all trespassers, that we cannot change. But in reality, it's not the actual act of trespassing that matters; it's how you trespass that counts. Trespassing 'til the end, Captain B. In-between PS The preacher behind me just quoted “the gambler” by Kenny Rogers. Now, despite my dislikement for Mr. Roger’s choice in women (Dolly Parton) and the preachers ideological point of view (“Joseph was Jesus’ Step-Father”) even I’m forced to agree with them both.

Hello and greetings again my friend(s), As it stands, I'm still on summer vacation which, as with every other year, means that I've taken a sabbatical into the real world and have decided to willfully cease my writings. Now, if I'm not mistaken, I did have some goals for the summer which I made back in April I believe. It's currently August and I'd have to say that in the four months since I made my directives that I haven't done too bad for myself. Let's revisit them, shall we? Directive 1: Shuffle friendships (CHECK) Directive 2: Save as much as possible (CHECK) Directive 3: Expand library by 10% (DOUBLE-CHECK) Directive 4: Marginally improve health (without violating Directives 1&2) (SEMI-CHECK) Directive 5: Volunteer when possible (without violating Directives 1-3) (NEGATIVE) Directive 6: Take up Tai Chi, Fencing and/or Ballroom dancing (without violating Directives 1,2&4) (REPLACED) Directive 7: Write a peice for a school newspaper (without violating Directives 1-4) (NEGATIVE) Here's the real story behind all of this. I figure I've been somewhat improving my health between the muscle groups that I use at work and the extra walking that I'm doing with my new significant other. Technically speaking, I've done pretty good with my calves (though unintentionally) and I'd like to believe that I've also improved my stamina as a direct result of. Directive 6 was replaced with spending time with and cultivating my new-found relationship and as for five and seven... ... well, they just kinda fell off the radar. The only glimmer of hope I have to offer is that in some very round-about way, this entry may or may count as practice for the genuine article; I've yet to think of a suitable topic on which to ramble talk about. So I'm going to the zoo tomorrow with Lady K and I'm feeling kinda good about it. Or rather, good about her - us. In some very roundabout way, I'm truly happy with her. Which makes me smile, until I start playing devils advocate; then I go from happily in a relationship to being an old, unmarried cat lady. Err... man. I'm sure I've spoken about it before - Charles Darwin and how he decided whether or not to get married; one of his "cons" was that he wouldn't be able to buy as many books as when he was single; apparently his books didn't mean a whole hell of a lot to him, as he then decided to get hitched. *shakes head at* What a silly guy. In a sense I'm the one who's silly because as I sit here insulting him, I'm actually contemplating promise rings and costing out weddings. Average, respectable wedding for an average of 100-150 people = $30,000-$35,000. Where the hell does a couple find that kind of money? I imagine you'd have to finance that by taking a loan. Wow. Starting out a life together by incurring thousands of dollars of debt. And all for one day. One day of glamour. A girls gotta have her day though, but a little moderation please? I guess when you think about it, Thirty is trim compared to the possible sixty grand plus that some couple spend on transport and elaborate-esque-ness. Then there's the mortgage that'll inevitable follow once you get a kid or two in the oven. And all because your books didn't mean as much to you as quenching the feeling of lonliness and spreading the family name/ blood. But we buy into it, and whether we want to believe it or not, we all need someone to grow old with - friend or otherwise because we're all just that vulnerable. Because we're all just that weak. Sad eh? Good ole male instinctiveness: must be fruitful and multiply at any cost. Good ole cultural pressures: must get married and grow old together. New checklist!! Things to covertly remedy and/or discuss with her before July 01, '08 -> Inability to remain calm (due to an unsubstantiated but on-going feeling of being attacked) -> Mountain-out-of-mole-hill behaviour (due to an inability to remain calm) -> Sometimes hot-tongued (due to consistant mountain-out-of-mole-hill behaviour) You know, the longer I'm in this bleeding relationship, the more I start seeing myself with her down the road. I think the french have a word for that: Les Sucker. I shouldn't say that. Why would I say that?? Idiot. I'm actually thinking about a promise ring for xmas... Thoughts?? It'll be seven months by then. Wait... ... yes, seven-ish. Maybe I'm jumping the gun? Maybe we're inadvertantly pushing it. The silent hand as they say. Who knows, maybe I'll be hearing "another one bites the dust" sooner than expected. Can't decide what this doubt is made of, - Captain B. Thinking It Over Through & Through.

"Near where I live there's a viaduct Where people jump when they're out of luck Raining down on the cars and trucks below They've put a net there to catch their fall Like it'll stop anyone at all What they don't know is when nature calls, you go..." That viaduct does exist. My dad and I use to drive under it four times a week when I was a child. They did put a net up to stop people from jumping because the bodies use to rain down on the cars and trucks below on the DVP. Surprisingly (or perhaps not) people actually stopped jumping... Now they use the subway to kill themselves. I hate to admit it, but this is going to be a short entry on account of the fact that I have four exams in five school days *woot woot!* As it clearly states above, I am feeling empty and despite the efforts of my brain I've yet to break it. So in response to this situation I did three things. First, and possibly more important, I fell in love with this song again (refer to current music). It's officially one of my favorites now. Second, I've decided to fight the feeling and not let it consume me like it has done in the past. Never ignoring it, but accepting it as a part of myself, experience it and then let it flow through. Third, I talked through some of it with one of my friends and we decided that I need to make some goals for the summer. Doesn't mean that all of them will actually happen, but what it does mean is that at least I'm trying and what's more *grins* is that it's a heirarchy: Directive 1: Shuffle friendships Directive 2: Save as much as possible Directive 3: Expand library by 10% Directive 4: Marginally improve health (without violating Directives 1&2) Directive 5: Volunteer when possible (without violating Directives 1-3) Directive 6: Take up Tai Chi, Fencing and/or Ballroom dancing (without violating Directives 1,2&4) Directive 7: Write a peice for a school newspaper (without violating Directives 1-4) I'm thinking that that should be enough to not only keep me busy, but help improve the over-all quality of life. Again, there's no guarantees that these'll happen. The first three'll be easy by my count while six and seven will take the most amount of time to both initiate and complete so nobody's holding their breath for them to happen, though admittedly it would be nice. I I'm going to leave you with the story of my life, as per a game I commandeered from a good friend of mine on facebook. I was suprised at how well it worked so I'll share it with you. If you're not particularly happy with this entry (which I know I'm not) go ahead and read my entry from March which is much more interesting and lacking hits. Forever fighting the war, - Captain B. Asleep in lukewarm bathwater. __________________________________________________________ How to do it: Open your library, Put it on Shuffle, Etc. 1) Opening Credits We Are going to be friends - The White Stripes 2) Waking Up Here's to the night - Eve6 3) First Day of School Why (part two) - Collective Soul 4) Getting Crunked Pianoman - Billy Joel 5) Falling in Love O Valencia - The Decemberists 6) Fight Song Death of a Martian - RHCP 7) Breaking Up Money Talks - ACDC 8) Life's Good Forgiveness - Collective Soul 9) Strip Tease Fun and games - BNL 10) Mental Breakdown Shine - Collective Soul 11) Driving Sitting, Waiting, Wishing - Jack Johnson 12) Flashback to Childhood Light up my room - BNL 13) Getting Back Together Oh Goddamnit - Hot Hot Heat 14) Wedding Hotel Yorba - The White Stripes 15) Sex Song If - RHCP 16) Final Battle All Apologies - Nirvana 17) Victory Dance The Wild Rover - The Dubliners 18) Death Scene Closing time - Semisonic 19) Funeral Song Boston and St. Johns - Great Big Sea 20) End Credits Give my love to rose - Johnny Cash

I don't care what anybody says -assuming you're a band who doesn't rely on computer effects to create your music (I'm looking at you Our Lady Peace)- live versions of songs are always better than records. Today I had something of an epiphany and I'm not too sure how I should proceed. If by chance you think of a brilliant or even mediocre suggestion on how I should handle this, do let me know. Please. Thanks. So I was skipping school *chuckles* You'll later see the irony of this. At any rate, I was skipping school and on my way to lunch with an associate when I stop at a stoplight at Westney and Kingston Rd. I must tell you that previous to this, I was at the mall, in a music store to be exact and a kid no larger than five ran into me while I was searching for this CD [The light that guides you home.] I got the last copy. But that's irrelevant to the story. What is relevant is that when she ran into me, she looked up and called me "mister." if I keep this up, I'll never get to the apex, let alone the end. But since I'm here, I might as well tell you that this was the exact same song I was listening to when all of this went down.. or rather, when the event at the corner of Kingston and Westney happened. I don't know it is, but lately I've been feeling... well not down but, down. Before I was sure, I did the test which is: 1. Listen to Collective Soul - If I desire Pearl Jam, then move to Step two - If not, end test I'm fine 2. Listen to Pearl Jam - If lyrics to Nothingman, Betterman, Daughter AND Last Kiss hit home, proceed to Step three. - If not, end test, I'm borderline. 3. Might as well put on Blue Rodeo because I’m toast. Listen to them and just relax... this might take awhile. They're not a bad band, don't care what anyone says... I just can't listen to them when I'm in a happy mood. Not the kind of music you'd break out when you're hosting a St. Patty's Day party my friends. Follow? I guess you're wondering what the link between them and this is and the link is that A. I started listening to them Friday night and B. Jim is the lead singer of the band who also does solo work which after listening to them I felt compelled to get his CD... which is where the story began; in a music store. So, now that that's straightened out I guess we can get back to the story... ...Right. The story. I'm not particularly sure where my mind was before any of this happened but I am almost sure that I was somewhere in and around the point where I overlook my life and just see if things are the way they should be. So I come to a stop and there is a little girl, probably or seven, cute as a button and she's staring out of her window aimlessly. You know that look that little kids have on their face when they're eyes are looking around but you can tell that their mind is in a 1000 different places? That's the one. Well she looks down at me [she's riding shotgun in a 4x4] and for some reason I just smiled at her. She smiled back. Then I winked at her. She started to giggle like a... well, like a little girl. At this point the lights had turned green and her lane started to move ahead of mine. Now, I'm telling you what happened next not because I'm in need of a horn tooting or because I need to feel good about myself but because my next thought spawned a number of various thoughts and as I mentioned to one of my close friends, could very well alter my life if I let it. What's more is in retrospect to other aspects of my life, it makes sense. Not fifteen second after I started driving from that intersection only one sentence emerged from the fog in my mind and I see it as clearly as I see you now. For some reason I said to myself, "I have to make the world better for her." Then somehow between there and my friend's location I ended up thinking about my education [enter irony.] It's probably not a coincidence as even the most unreasonable person will agree from experience that the mind will relate occurrences to whatever is on a person's mind, or to a lesser extent, what may have been bothering said person earlier and/or has yet to be resolved. I started going over my life plan... but not the plan itself. See, plans are great but if you are so rigid in your plans that you can't go with the flow, everytime a wave comes along you'll end up screwed. The way I see it, nothing goes according to plan, but have a plan anyway so that every so often you can see just how far away life has carried you from where you wanted to be. Maybe you'll laugh, maybe you'll cry. It doesn't really matter so long as you're satisfied with the absolute moment - not the moment compared to others. So have a plan but make sure it's more of a guideline than a set of actual rules or else you'll surely find yourself shipwrecked and so desperate that you'll sign onto just about anyone's crew because you presently can't do better... even though you could. Now that I got that little sermon out of me, I shall return to what I was originally saying. I wasn't checking the steps or my progress. No. That would have been far too easy. Instead I was projecting which for all intents and purposes can be dangerous so unless you're a trained professional don't attempt it. I started thinking about what my goal will mean to me, a possible family and yes society. Not so much how society will view me. I imagine that anyone who does this and relates themselves to society are really attempting to gauge their impact on society for anything else would be a grueling task; at best. It was at this time that I started feeling like one of those damned undecided voters. The kind that are citizens of the states that the political advertisements are truly aimed at (because let's face it folks, Massachusetts is always going to be blue.) Anyway, we went to lunch and though I was in the middle of convincing her to switch her major, I myself was attempting to figure out if I should be in my major or not. I'm good at what I do... or rather, what I am on track to be doing but is this what I really want to be doing? Essentially I'll be making money by making more money for someone else. That's what it boils down to. I mean, it's pretty secure and financially I'd be able to make enough to carry a family AND make sure the wife wouldn't have to break her back working in a factory or retail... unless she wanted to. But the more I think about it, the more I realise what a useless trait it is. I mean sure you go back to the old days and there were small-time marketers and because prostitution I guess sales is also the world's oldest profession but just because there's a need doesn't mean that it's useful. Here's an example, I was poking around the military's website, checking for positions; essentially being able to become an officer if you specialise in something outside of the military. Turns out they need HR officers. Human Resources, probably the most dreaded department in the company other than Finance... and wouldn't you know it, the military even needs Finance officers! I'm almost sure that even the bloody Amish need a treasurer of some sort. I'd ask them but it's over an hour's drive to the nearest settlement so let me get back to you on that one. Marketing seems to have no external use, unless you're a manager in which case your managerial skills double as leadership skills. The way I see it, unless the military starts hiring externally for propaganda officers I'm screwed come draft time. But let's get serious here. You're a marketer, you're good at what you do but all you essentially do is sell things well. Ice to Eskimo’s right? Sure, and maybe once in awhile you have to compromise your values - who hasn't in their lifetime? I'm pretty sure we all have and if you're one of the virgin few, you're time is nigh. It's not the selling-out that bothers me. We all have ways of justifying it to ourselves. I suspect mine will be that I did it for little Abigail, Emily, Jane or whatever my little girl's name is *knocks wood.* The things we do for or kids eh? Which brings me back to that little giggling girl. The more I thought about it, my chosen profession will end up having no effect on her, or if it does, it'll probably be in a negative way because it'll cause her to buy either a product that kills herself or the money she spends on whatever product I'm selling should've been spent on something that would save her life. Sure the buck stops at the consumer and at the end of the day they have to bear responsibility for their choices - provided they are aware of their choices. What I'm having trouble settling with is that there is very little good that I can actually contribute to the world here. Even if I were to become a professor, all I'd be doing is arming the next generation of tobacco, drug, detergent shoe sellers. Sure, great, you're allowing someone else to provide for their future family while providing for your own but it seems as though it's filled with too much gray area ya know? How long can a man continuously cop-out before his character becomes void of value? Good actions add value to character, bad actions subtract value from character but gray actions do not add, nor do they subtract. Is a man who continuously adds the value of zero to his character for fear [or any other motivator] of subtraction a man at all? Much as we ask the question "how can you live with yourself?" of seemingly evil people, cannot the same question be asked of the person who does not attempt good actions for fear of failure and continuously cops-out with a gray action? Should not failure to contribute good automatically constitute as an evil? The only difference is that instead of asking "how can you live with yourself?" the question would look like this: "how can you live with yourself?" But now there is a word of caution. Or rather, a paragraph of caution. This assumes that your goal of 'good' is actually... well, good. Hitler, Stalin... well, I'm not sure about you but I'd be hard-pressed to consider all their goals and actions good. I mean, sure population control has to occur but I always thought a better resolution would have been to give the Irish condoms before 1988. Holy hell can they ever drop kids. Yeesh. Now I'm not saying that if I run for politics that I can prevent another world war or provide contraceptives for everyone (although in Canada, they are free at provincially run clinics located across almost every city.) What I am saying is that surely my 'good' can't be so far removed from what is perceived as good that I'll be hated throughout history... can it? I don't think I'm equipped to resolve this right now but I guess I have to be doing something right, they did vote me "most likely to change the world." *pours a glass of scotch and plays "Alcohol" by BNL* Here's to change. Please forgive me, - Captain B. Trying On Your Camisole

Before I begin, I need to preface this entry with an apologize to anyone who is a fan of Elizabeth Barrett Browning. In my books, she's a cool cat so it's not that I don't like her... it's really just because her work is just so darn catchy. It's not the first time I've used her works to form a structure as a parody, so by now I assume that she's use to it. Besides, it's her fault for being so darn good. So without further ado I present a 9:30Am untitled peice of work over a hot cup of tea, after waking up at 5:56AM for a class at 8:30AM... In fact, that's the title of the peice. Anyway here we go. A 9:30Am Untitled Peice of Work Over A Hot Cup of Tea, After Waking Up At 5:56Am For A Class At 8:30Am Oh, Windsheild Washer Fluid! How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee in the winter's depth and height My hand will reach, when you're in sight For you help my cope with grace. I love thee to the level of Tuesday's Most dire need, at minus twenty. I love thee freely, as my dad bought thee; I love thee purely, as patience defrays. I love thee with the passion put to use In chizelling and loosening doors icy. I love thee with energy I seemed to lose With my last swing, - I love thee with the frozen core, And vanity of my efforts! - and if Motomaster choose, I shall love thee better after I pour. This my friends, is what happens after you left your car sit in two days worth of falling ice. What happens is that it takes you close to an hour to get the ice which encases your vehicle off to a point where it is minimally drivable. I love it. It sounds like I'm complaining, and for the first half hour I was a little unhappy, but somewhere in between being covered with ice shavings and losing the sensation in my toes, I realized that I wouldn't give this up for hot and sunny climate. ___________________________________________ Ladies and Gentleman of the Class of '99... Wear Sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experiences.I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine. Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing everyday that scares you Sing Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours. Floss Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself. Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. Stretch Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't. Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone. Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children,maybe you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. What ever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either. your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own... Dance; even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Read the directions, even if you don't follow them. Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young. Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel. Accept certain inalienable truths: prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old. And when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders. Respect your elders. Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out. Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth... But trust me on the sunscreen. This was one of the songs my grade eight teacher decided to play at our graduation dinner. I suggest that you read it more than once because it's easy to mistake certain lines for a simple, overused clichè. If you download it, get the 5 minute and 6 second version because the seven minute version has two odd interjections that just changes the entire thing and messes it up as far as I can tell. Rumor has it that he compiled a good portion of this song from chain letter emails, you know, the ones that we all get and usually throw away? The ones that warn that if you don't pass them on, you'll have a terrible love life for fifteen years. I usually never forwarded those and neither should any of... on second thought, judging by my love life, you should probably forward those just to be on the safe side. Don't want to upset the messenger gods. At any rate, We were the class of 00-01, so she cut out the song's introduction. As most people in grade eight, we were 13... 14 at the most and I was probably one of the kids in the class who understood the most about what she was trying to tell us. That is to say, if everybody had a 11% understanding, I had somewhere around 22%. I'm older now and naturally, the lines mean more to me. Particularly the one about being nicer to your knees. Listen to him on that one. The more and more I listen to this (and yes, I do have it on repeat as we speak) the more of what he's saying is sinking in. It's funny because I did the exact same things almost six years ago... memorized the entire thing but didn't understand 78% of it. It's funny how we can memorize something - the words, and not actually process the meanings... or even the real words. Case in point; my grade ten drama teacher made the entire class write out the National Anthem. It was sad. They sing it all the time, had been singing it since they were infants and you'd be surprised how many people think it's "glory us and free" and "with growing hearts." I didn't know whether to be ashamed, displeased or disappointed with the class. But that's not the entire point. The point is that we think we know things, we think we understand things but we only know what our mind has put together. A facsimile of the truth that makes it easier for us to recall and cope with. Truly understanding it would take too much brain power, too much thought and sometimes more experience than we will ever have. So we take shortcuts. As the WSIB sign on my cooler at work says, "Don't take shortcuts" (with a picture of a man slipping on the word 'cuts'... that's what makes it effective). And the shortcuts we take lead to a distortion of the truth until we come to a point where we don't know what the original point was and if we had to, we couldn't properly explain it to another. But we'll try, because we can't admit that we really haven't a bloody clue. And that worries me, because as word spreads, it isn't really what it's suppose to be and god help is all if it eventually becomes written down. So don't take shortcuts. Don't be afraid to ask questions, don't assume and whatever you do, think about what it is you're being told because if it's counter intuitive, there better be a damn good explanation for it. "...How much possibility lay before you..." Means more to me now that it would have even two years ago... but admittedly, in my senior year of high school it still would've meant a lot. So much possibility, so much potential. Here's a tip, don't think about 'what could've been' too much or you'll end up making yourself king of the world in an alternate reality and we all know that it's not realistic. Yes you would've been a different person, you sure as hell wouldn't be where you are right now... but that doesn't mean that you would've been the big cheese. Not without me anyway. Who knows when tragedy would've hit had you chosen a different job offer, career, degree, spouse or time of day to get intoxicated. Reality hovers around potential, but unlike GDP, it can never surpass it. You're never self-actualized. You may at one point think you are, but chances are that in terms of the big, you're not what you could've been. But that's okay, you have to square with that, I'm in the process of doing so. What matters isn't what could have been, what should matter is 'what is' - as in, right now. Make the most of every opportunity you get, and if you can't, that's okay. Making the most of an opportunity can be letting it pass you by to further something else that means more to you or just making the mistake of letting it pass you by. Things could be worse, things could be better, but are you happy? Not just satisfied - with the way things are right now. If you're not, it appears as though there is some work to be done. Gotta get out there and not so much change the world, but change your world. And he's right; sometimes seeing your choices as half chance - either it will happen, or it won't happen is best. That's what he really means. And sometimes you should just forget the math that says it's a 75/25 split. It will or won't occur and that's when you just gotta giv'her and remember that when it's all said and done, you are usually the largest deciding factor. Encarta defines sometimes [ súm timz ] as "occasionally: from time to time, not continually or every time." So don't you dare think about making this cavalier outlook a habit because you're not a character in some well-scripted movie and chances are you'll be squashing your potential by doing so. I don't care what anyone tells you, education is the one thing that people can take from you. That said, reasoning is probably the one tool (apparently, in addition to your body) that'll serve you best. And even I can't make that up boils and gouls. Try to use it as often as you can because not everybody has that option. You'll thank yourself for it later. Wanting to dance the funky chicken on my 57th wedding anniversary because I know I won't live to see my 75th wedding anniversary, - Captain B. Reasoning

... If anyone asks, this is one of my favorite BNL songs. At any rate, one of my friends who's turning 19 this year is getting married. I'm not completely convinced that she's ready, but I'm going to have to go with the principle of charity on this one (which just means giving the person the benefit of the doubt.) She seems happy enough, even though I don't think he treats her at the level she really deserves. And anybody who says that I over-appraise females needs to ask themselves if it isn't so much that I over-appraise, but that yon have been under-appraising the females in your life along. Food for thought. So she's getting married and I'm happy and started thinking back to the people in my graduating class who were high-school sweet hearts. Most of them are... how would you say... over. I know it's not a scientific representation of anything, I just found it funny how that happened. What I also noted what that a healthy number of post-graduation unions took place, and by that I just mean that there was a good number of relationships started between people who weren't in each others immediate group. That shows something a little more concrete. Shows that people are willing to hang out with people not usually associate with that person but don't because they are limited in some way. It shows that that same intimidation goes beyond friendship and isn't even circumvented by the possibility of love and the reality of lust or liking. Have I talked about this before? I just got the feeling that I have. Hmmm. I guess it really doesn't matter because this is actually a segue of the discussion I was attempting to have. What if I told you that right now, you know the person you're going to marry, but I'm not going to tell you. Well, I'd probably end up running away from a small mass of girls, or end up bleeding in a gutter somewhere for lying about being able to see into the future. People change. But try picturing that. Maybe it's the guy you didn't think you'd be able to get, or maybe it's that nerdy girl in the loner group who's liked you for the past two years. People change. They have to. We have to adapt in order to survive, and it's not just about survival. Short of the people who have a deformed mentality, we adapt to try and survive well, either morally, personally, financially etc. It's just how it goes. So we become groups to help us identify, to allow us to grow in a safe environment, but that environment doesn't stay safe for long because the hierarchy kicks in, which gives one group the divine right to suppress another, or perhaps doesn't give one group the right to do that. Then the groups become less exclusive, my begin to merge. Members are now comfortable with themselves and their surroundings so they accept other, like individuals. And it stays that way for awhile, until the two groups who were still somewhat identifiable are now, essentially one. Eventually, instead of individuals belonging to various groups on the continuum, the various groups and continuum become one whereby people are placed, exchanged and floated. This is what gets people to see outside of the box. Once the restrictions are relaxed, people become far more malleable. Of course the couplings aren't extremely drastic but they're less obvious than when we first began. So what does all this lead us to? Absolutely nothing. Just means that at the end of it all, we'll probably be more accepting people... oh, and possibly more corrupt (but we don't talk about those things too loudly.) Speaking of corrupt, I was at this thing the other night and I was talking to one of my associates' girlfriend outside (they've been dating for four months now) for something like an hour. "It's like you've known me my whole life." Her words to me. I met her an hour ago. I think she may have liked me, as in like-liked me, but for the right/ wrong reasons. Such a pity; she's really not a bad kid, nor an ugly girl. Apparently he's being serious about this and her, well, this kind of life is new to her. She's young and full of energy. She use to dating the bad boys who always cheated on her and treated her the way her father does; with little respect. He's different, older, more mature and wants them to move in together this summer. He's certainly not afraid of commitment, but she is. Have you... have you ever seen something on someone's eyes and immediately knew how they felt?. That somehow by looking them in the eye you were directly being transmitted their feelings? That's what happened. I knew exactly what was happening inside of her. If we were alone she would have cried. The look on her face betrayed her words of 'not knowing' and I think she knew I knew. But we kept up the charade of indecisiveness until she left. I felt terrible. Underneath it all, she only cares for him as a friend and she hasn't fully admitted it to herself. I truly feel for her because the longer it takes her to realize it, the less inclined she'll be and the tougher it'll be to change things. Here's why: he's not just falling for her, he's sinking. I can't promise anyone the stars. I'm hungry. Back to what I was suppose to be talking about. Marriage. It could be someone you know well right now. It could be someone you will never know. Funny how that works eh? I'm not sure what I think about myself. I want to think I'd end up with one of my friends, this way you already know them well, kind of cuts out the 'getting to know someone better while attempting to live with them after marriage" aspect. I think I'll make a list. Ahhh, the legendary list. Great thing about the list is that it helps to solve every and any problem. I dare you to defy me... I dare you to logically defy me. You know, this marriage thing was suppose to be so much larger than it currently is. Bah. Probably best if it stays locked up in my head on account of the fact that I haven't worked it all out yet. I'll leave you with a few words from the White Stripes. It's an excerpt from 'Hotel Yorba', off of their 'White Blood Cells' album. I'm thinking of a good way to incorporate this into my marriage proposal. See what you think. "It might seem silly for me to think childish thoughts like these but I'm so tired of acting tough and I'm gonna to what i please. Lets get married, in a big cathedral by a priest cause if i'm the man that you love the most you could say I do at least" Still hungry, - Captain B. Silly

Good Evening and Happy New Year. I decided to start this entry on a light-hearted note. Came online yesterday and an old friend of mine had this game on her entry so I decided to do it just for the hell of it. What harm could it do right? You load up your media player with songs, hit random, and for each question, you write the song title as your player randomly runs through your list. Thusly the first song your player plays answers the first title and so on. There were eighteen questions, and sometimes it works, sometimes it just doesn't make sense but that is the fun part. It really doesn't mean anything but it's fun to see what happens because let us remember the songs are mostly yours and represent your taste. I won't put down all the questions and answers, but here are some of the highlights of mine: - What's my love life like? You Know My Name- Chris Cornell - What describes your relationship future? The Unforgiven- Metallica - What song will I dance to at my wedding? Bad Timing- Blue Rodeo - What do you think of your parents? Sitting, Waiting, Wishing- Jack Johnson - Where would you go on a first date? Landing In London- Three Doors Down - Drug of choice? Seven Drunken Nights- The Irish Rovers - What is the thing I like doing most? Donkey Riding- Great Big Sea It would seem as though my name has something to do with my love life, that my relationships aren't going to be too forgiving, my wedding will come at a poor time and that I have the urge to fly for about 5/6 hours to get a first date. And for those of you who know what Donkey Riding is, contrary to this activity, I have not been donkey riding in awhile and never, ever while drunk. Friends don't let friends ride drunk *wink, wink* Seems to me that every university in the province starts back on the 8th except mine. I start school tomorrow... I'm a little concerned but know that I shouldn't be because the more I think and worry about it, the worse off I am. Not to mention the fact that This is the shortest semester. In essence I only have... well, around 37 days of school for this entire semester. Might make me feel good if I kept a count down... would improve morale and make me realize that I don't have many days to accumulate good marks. There's a huge part of me that's beginning to realize that this school thing isn't going to last forever and then after that where do we go from there? I know people who are planning on getting their masters just so they can actually put off work and 'life' for two more years. As we probably discussed before, I am definitely not one of those people. But what then? Back in the day... or rather, back in our parents day, we would have come out of high school and just continued working where we were working before we graduated. After that we'd look to get promoted within the company or leave when we had out-grown the company; get educated when we needed it, if we needed if for our chosen field. Seems to me like we've decided to pick our field before we even got into it but now we have to sell ourselves, complete with almost no experience but a lot of education. Of course, this doesn't apply to being a jobs like being a police officer, doctor, medic, teacher, etc. Your path is pretty straight which cuts out a lot of guessing and awkwardness. For the rest of us, it's a small crash course in selling the one item you've been trying to sell in some way, shape or form since we were aware of competition and the world extending further than our little palms. And then how do we know that we're not underselling ourselves? I mean you go in, put yourself through four years of whatever you want to call it: training, indoctrination, education, bribery and is there really a proper place to start on the scale? Who's to say that even with your piece of paper, you won't end up starting at the same place you would have if you had just two year experience? In that case, apparently four years of education and the spending of thousands of dollars is equal to two years of experience and the earning of thousands of dollars. Was it really worth it? Somebody? Anybody? And no, meeting and marrying your sweetheart from college doesn't count as a legitimate reason for that. This is probably me feeling stupid about not being as old as I want to be. This is me hoping that everything that I'm doing is not in vain. This is me worrying and feeling tied down in the bad way. I decided that this year I will spend less money all around and save more. I know what you may be thinking, and yes it is possible for someone who appears to be a penny pincher to cut back because I did so review and the second the third quarter of my year are largely painted with frivilous purchases. The more one has, the more one spends. The more one spends, the less one has. So pretty soon, all that one actually has turns into what one use to have and bankbook begins to shrink, and decimal places disappear. I'm hoping that by the end of it all I'll have enough money saved to actually do something good with it. Haven't decided what and I am fully aware that the first thing many of us would say is "Travel. Captain, you should take a vacation." Hell, even I said that but I'm not too sure that that's what I want to do. At the end of the day I'd have payed to experience a country by myself with a few souviners to remind me of my experience in case I should develop amnesia and are unable to forget... or worse, begin to lose my memory at an early age. Don't laugh, it's starting to happen. Going with someone else is different and believe me when I say I wouldn't travel with just anyone. Something more concrete perhaps? Play 500 dollars worth of lottery tickets and hope I win more than the 500 dollar prize? A few hundred thousand would be enough but I'd gladly accept the 2, 4 or 25 million jackpot as well. Rumor has it that at 22 million, the average person could live off of just the interest alone if said 22 million was never touched. Or was it 55 million? No, 22. Problem is that everyone plays the large lotteries so not only are the chances low to begin with, but your chances of having to split the pot are pretty high. Still, I wouldn't complain. But I never subscribed to dumb chance, particularly when it costs me. Playing once or twice every year is good enough for me thanks. Besides, I'm convinced that any given person values things - money, a person, an item - much more and will take better care of said thing if they had to work for it, IE. work for money, prove oneself to a potential lover, prove to the bank that they can afford a loan. Just an observation in life. Speaking of observations in life, Hitler probably had parkinsons. Even I didn't see that one coming my friends. More importantly, I'm in this course called Organizational Behaviour. Took it in high school but I think I have to take two of them for my degree. Essentially it's all about trends in the workplace, how to motivate workers, how to respond, deal with and create programs that'll work based on how they operate. It's every hard-ass managers wet dream due to the manipulation factor involved. I enjoy it though. They say that overall, money is not the biggest motivator ... try saying that to the immigrant who can barely make rent and put food on the table for his family. Yea, the one who doesn't speak enough english to actually participate in your surveys. That's the one. The problem with the worlds 'most' and 'generally' is that 50 + 1 is the requisite for the label. What it boils down to boys and girls is whether you see humanity as innately good, or innately bad. From there the rest mainly falls into place. Nothing wrong with thinking 50-50, but eventually you'll pick a side. It's kinda like how they say bisexuality is just a stop over to one or the other sides. In other school news, my books for this semester are going to run about 800 dollars. They weren't lying when they said that business books cost a lot. Luckily, the unofficial university book store down the street will probably provide a few texts at a decent cost. I'm thinking this semester will be better than the last. I feel better about it regardless of the fact that I'm carrying 6.5 classes. They say that the relation between stress and output is positive to a certain point, whereby it peaks and than forms a negative slope. They call that a breaking point. I say that it's negotiable. Cordially, - Captain B. Sober

I was such a jerk... *sips hot tea* I still am a jerk, but as least there is one less thing for me to be a jerk about. Let me explain. This morning my perspective changed. It was sometime before 1AM and I was checking my email account. I hadn't checked it in about a week. I had an email that just came in and it was from an old friend -now just a contact- I hadn't seen, heard from or had any recent information on her in around two years. She's not the kind of girl to write without purpose see, so when I realized it was a forward, I was absolutely shocked. It was a letter on AIDS and it had a link: www.lighttounite.org Apparently you light the candle and a dollar is donated by whoever to someone. I just hope the money goes to someone who's fighting AIDS. So you light the candle... No, go ahead and light it, I promise your computer won't blowup and I will wait... *sips warm tea* and a few dozen off-white candles appear in the background; each one a different story. You can go ahead and challenge me on it, but from start to finish [more candles appear as you go left or right with the mouse.] Each one is different. I can wait here while you read some. I really don't mind, just came back when you're done please. Here is when things change for me. I'm not sure about you, but when I thought about AIDS, the first thing that came to mind was unprotected sex and some god-forsaken idiot who shagged a monkey in Africa and started the whole bloody thing. FYI, they have found the troop of primate where the disease originated and yes, it is in Africa. Sorry to disappoint. At any rate, my thoughts were negative but in actuality, it is what seems to be driven home and reinforced to us all the time (the unprotected sex thing, not the monkey shagging.)This is so much so the case that the natural course of progression leads us to believe that AIDS is usually a disease of the willful or careless. Now there are statistics, some on that site, that do support that conclusion, but I eventually realized that the people who are forgotten are the people who contract HIV through blood transfusions. It could be a child, or an infant, your grandmother, your teacher, your father, bestfriend, or aunt... it could be you. Now, I'd like to think that I'm a relatively well-informed person, a citizen who is not completely out-of-the-loop, though admittedly, me using that phrase may indicated otherwise. The point I'm trying to illustrate, is that they do teach us this in school, the fact that blood transfusions can very well cause an HIV infection. And most [I won't be so bold as to assume everyone] knows that this is the case. But is it possible that in our campaign to protect ourselves and other from contracting it carelessly, we've inadvertently downplayed and in some ways excluded the accidental cases of contamination; the real victims? I'll walk you through it. - Nobody wants to catch HIV sexually, in fact nobody wants anyone else to catch HIV sexually mainly because it's preventable. - So we begin campaigning for condom use to protect against it because it's mainly a STV. - In turn, a somewhat accurate social stigma is created about the disease. - As a result, generalizations are made about the victims. - Because of the negative image the victims are given, a lack of sympathy is created for all victims based on general facts, which seen through the public eye, is taken to be over-layingly true. - Thusly real victims are forgotten. I'll let that sink in for a moment... *sips lukewarm tea* Truth is that it happened to me. I let myself get hardened by campaigns designed to protect and inform. But all of that changed when I read just one paragraph, on that very site, about a little girl who died of AIDS which she contracted from a transfusion. The very process designed to save her life spelt her ultimate undoing. And she had no say in it. She didn't go have unprotected sex, or share crack needles with her druggie buddies. She's a real victim. And it's not that other victims are fake victims or deserving victims. Nobody deserves to die that way. I better qualify this before people start hating or annexing my journal. The thing is that she wasn't participating in an activity that would generally lend itself to being dangerous to one's health. She was going through a process that was going to save her life because she was losing and needed blood. It's the difference between 'willful negligence' and 'accidental'. We learned this in law class folks. Maybe I'm being harsh here, but in my books, it's the difference between "Christ, what were you doing? I told you this might happen!" and "Good lord, she was truly innocent and didn't deserve that." So when I say real victim, that is what I mean - the truly innocent, the one who has to suffer through no direct or indirect fault of their own. Me, I'm guilty of forgetting about the real victims. My mind was only set on the people who have the disease but insist on having intimate relations and in some countries, producing ready-born HIV-carrying children. In fact I was and still am a little upset at those kinds of people who continue to populate the world with diseased kids, children who don't stand a fighting chance. That's like giving birth to your first kid, know that you, as a parent will have to bury your child and every subsequent child you have but insist on having more children for the sake of self-gratification. Females who are raped, contract HIV and end up pregnant, you're true victims too, but for christ sake, don't keep on having children after you find out because then you're not better than the man who knowingly infected you. I'm not sure why I even said all of that, it's not as if there are many/any of the people in that situation who can speak english, have a computer, have access to the internet, will find SitD and then stumble upon my entry. Although if there were one of those who did, I mean what I say. All that aside, the fact is that I got caught up in the stigma... no, I let myself be effected to the point where it effected my judgement and decisions. That is a fact. Another fact is that I was disgusted with myself when I realized that. A fool was I. I actually believe my exact words were 'jerk.' Let me double check that. Yes, I was a jerk about this. So for all the times I withheld funds from AIDS charities because of my own prejudices and for the fact that all this time I held an inaccurate and unfair judgement about the victims and was blind to the people who really do need my support, I truly apologize. I was absolutely wrong. Not only did I become vulnerable to poor logic and use it as a weapon of ignorance and a blockade but I set a bad example by not uniting to support a good cause. I only hope that others can learn from my mistake and not make the same errors I've made. Drinking Iced Tea, - Captain B. Transformed

"If you come inside things will not be the same When you return to the night And if you think you've won You never saw me change The game that we all been playing. I've seen diamonds cut through harder men Than you yourself But if you must pretend You may meet your end. Arm yourself because no-one else here will save you The odds will betray you And I will replace you You can't deny the prize it may never fulfill you It longs to kill you Are you willing to die? The coldest blood runs through my veins. Try to hide your hand Forget how to feel Forget how to feel." - Chris Cornell: You Know My Name Years ago in Philosophy class we watched a movie titled "Name of the Rose" or "Der Name Der Rose" originally written by Umberto Ecos. Early a few mornings ago when I couldn't sleep it was on at some unspeakable hour. Decided to watch it again because I get a cognitive kick out of watching Sean Con... Sir Sean Connery play a monk detective. William of Baskerville, on Women: "I find it difficult to convince myself that God would have introduced such a foul being into creation without endowing her with some virtues, hmmm?" William of Baskerville, on Love: "How peaceful life would be without love. How safe, how tranquil... and how dull." I liked it then, and I like it now. Maybe I should read the book but I think it's a good 600+ pages. Most of my university books aren't that long. Lately I've been craving questionably tasteful music: Hot Hot Heat, Dashboard (their old stuff), Spirit of the West, Gin Blossom, The Decemberists (just joking hun) but luckily am not so far gone that I'm getting into hip-hop (You know I'm joking, right?) But now I'm getting back into my groove: which I for one am glad is happening. I think that this bout of generally unorthodox music-listening happens every so often to me but to be honest, I can't remember that far back. Scary? I know. Went and saw Casino Royale twice in roughly 48 hours. I withhold any comments that will make you go or not go see it. What I do want to comment on is this. First, holy product placement Batman! Where did these commercials before the previews come from? Cherrios? Cell-phone and home-phone services? Sport Utility Vehicles? What.. heating and air-conditioning!? Good lord, when did all this happen? And who in their wisdom backed ANOTHER Rocky movie?? A tale of a washed-up, broken and desperate for one last shot of glory actor plays a washed-up, broken and desperate for one more shot of glory boxer. What a stretch. What a bore. The most appealing thing in this movie is probably the soundtrack. When did despiration becoming a good story line? Probably one of those cases where "I use to be with 'it' but then they changed what 'it' was. Now what I'm with isn't 'it' and what's 'it' seems weird and scary me." -Grandpa Simpson I just looked over my last entries. For some reason I've been injecting quotes and lyrics to make up for a lack of ideas and creative writing. I must be turning into a university student. A little late I think. All the same, here are some lyrical quotes that I've been collecting over the past month. Make of it what you will. "Stuck in the middle of the road For better or worse, we compromise You may have won my hand, dear But it was the consolation prize." - BNL: Home "Every morning Since I was born It's been hard to look in the mirror And see my face for the horns. All the fun that the law allows All the fun but with half the meaning Come on over, I'll show you how If you lived here you'd be home by now" - BNL: Bull in a Chinashop "There were nights when the wind was so cold That my body froze in bed if I just listened to it right outside the window There were days when the sun was so cruel That all the tears turned to dust and I just knew my eyes were drying up forever" - Meatloaf & Marion Raven: It's All Coming Back to Me _____________________________________________________ Willing [not wanting] to die, - Captain B. The Consolation Prize

In Flanders field the poppies blow Between the crosses row on row, That mark our place; and in the sky The larks, still bravely singing, fly Scarce heard amid the guns below. We are the Dead. Short days ago We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow, Loved and were loved, and now we lie In Flanders fields. Take up our quarrel with the foe: To you from failing hands we throw The torch; be yours to hold it high. If ye break faith with us who die We shall not sleep, though poppies grow In Flanders field. - Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, MD; (1872-1918) Canadian Army. In many of the Commonwealth countries (former British colonies) November 11th is Rememberence Day, and likewise, my neighbours to the south will be participating in Veterans Day celebrations. Regardless of where you are from, the purpose of this day is to remember, pay homage and even thank the brave men and women who served, fought and died in the service of their country, particularly those who fought in both WWI and WWII. Quite frankly I think it is a marvelous day, one day out of 365.25 when the youth of today can demonstrate that they aren't self-centered, that they both remember and respect the past and are actually grateful that someone (and by 'someone' I really mean some-millions) stood up, heard the call of defense and fought for not only their freedom, but the freedom of future generations ie YOU and ME. Around here, we have a tradition. I can't and thusly won't say that it happens elsewhere, but because one of Canada's few claims to wartime fame (other than being the only army to take the Ridge, and being the only group to actually complete their D-Day objectives and push the furthest inland) includes the above mentioned poem. We actually just put it on our new ten dollar bills. I'll show you one day. At any rate, because of the poem, what we do is pruchase and wear a poppy around rememberence day - the funds going to legions, veterans funds etc. It's been a long-standing tradition in Canada and well, this is where my grievences come into play. Two to be exact. Firstly, I have the most unfortunate pleasure of reporting the theft of 17, one-seven, of these boxes in my town alone. I shall now remind people that my town consists of less than 100,000 people, which translates into a not a very high population. One of the issues is that we are lacking in able-bodied veterans from that time period. See, originally they'd stand in-front of grocery stores, hardware stores, malls... public places where they can get the most people. They never solicited, they stood there and if you wanted one, you'd approach the little old man wearing his metals, and drop a few coins or a bill in. But they're dying out see, so to keep the ball rolling, the legion and government are allowing shops, stores and such to put boxes by cash-registers so people can still purchase them so that the spirit doesn't die. Along comes the children of the 90's: a vile, wretched breed of... No, that's not fair. Some of these children are good, upstanding citizens but for the life of me I have never heard of something like this happening in the history of rememberence day. Seventeen of these boxes are stolen in a matter of one week, each one containing possibly over $100 each. Given the magnitude and the meaning these boxes carry, how dare these scumbags, these leeches on society steal from, essentially, the vets. Yes we wear them to show rememeber, but we don't have to purchase anything to remember now do we? No. We purchase them to support those who did fight and made it back. The people who fought for You, me, and even those theiving little misfits who do it for some little thrill or to add a stripe to their popularity rank. I don't care what your situation is. Need money? Get a job. Need drug money? Steal from your parents who raised or neglected you. But don't steal from someone you don't know, particularly from someone who doesn't know you but still decided to sacrifice a lot for your safety and well being. That's just burns me up. And you know what, the Vets aren't getting robbed. Noone dare does that because what if you're caught? What if the old man fingers you in a line-up and you're put away for assaulting and robbing a war vet. I guess it really is easier to commit a crime when you don't have to put a face to the vitcims. Some will try to justify it, "oh, but they're children." I don't care about their age either. As a child you were suppose to be taught respect and as a child you can sure as hell distinguish right from wrong. Even if you were taught to respect your elders, or heroes, you're sure as hell taught to not steal from others - especially when they need what you're taking. If it were a seven year old who took a box, that's alittle different. But something tells me we don't have an elementry-school-aged kleptomaniac roaming my streets. And even then the parents have a responsibility to say "Little Timmy, No." These thieves, no, even thieves have a some honour. These cowards, whoever they are, are just as bad as the people who steal from the Salvation Army donation box at christmas... and even those events don't total 17 in the whole of Canada! 17 in one town alone. I'm almost ashamed to say that I live here. It is my sincerest hope that this event sits on this persons or group of peoples conscience and that they feel like garbage until they do something to rectify the situation. Even if the Vets aren't dependant on that money (I know not how much this money accounts for in their budget) the principle alone should sit on them and I truly hope that the guilt both mounts and consumes them. And how I remember that terrible day How our blood stained the sand and the water And how in that hell that they called Suvla Bay We were butchered like lambs to the slaughter. Johnnie Turk was ready, oh he primed himself well He rained us with bullets and he showered us with shell And in five minutes flat we were all blown to hell Nearly blew us all back home to Australia. But the band played waltzing matilda As we stuck to bury our slain We burned ours and the turks buried theirs And we started all over again Those who were living just tried to survive In a mad world of blood, death and fire And for ten weary weeks, I kept myself alive While around me the corpses piled higher Then a big turkish shell knocked me arse over head And when I awoke in my hospital bed And saw what it had done and I wished I was dead Never knew there were worse things than dying For no more Ill go waltzing matilda All round the green bush far and near For to hump tent and pegs a man needs both legs No more waltzing matilda for me. - The Dubliners; The Band Played Waltzing Matilda. As some of you may know, I have classes during the day, whereas last year most of my classes were during the night, which resulted in a "get-in, get-out" mentality. As a result, I cannot call this a trend as last year I wasn't observing a whole lot, other than my grades as they sunk. However, this year I am observing and learning a hell of a lot - mostly unacademically related. What worries me is that I've been around campus a lot, walking mostly and the amount of people wearing poppies is disheartening. In short, faculty, administration and students just don't seem to be wearing them. I originally noticed it a week ago, but dismissed it as it was the beginning of November. For goodness sake, it's November the 8th. That's three... no, two days and change. How can you not support this people? Maybe the kids in university see it as unfashionable to wear a poppy, maybe they think the red will clash with their green motif or the dress they happen to be wearing under their over-priced, sub-standard, shotty quality yet trendy jacket. It's a bloody poppy people and for 11 days at most. Is it too much to ask to actually, oh I don't know - wear one? It seems to be a dying trend and the other day I was talking to one of my associates on the phone, to which she agreed that this year people seem to be lacking red pins. We hypothesize that it's a trend that may die out with the older generation, but even some of them aren't wearing. And please, will someone tell me why the only REAL people I see wearing poppies are old men with white hair and/or grey beards? Anybody? Anyone with a thought? I think part of the problem - aside from it not being chic or trendy is that for some reason, people can't seem to be relate to wars that happened over half a century ago. They are so far removed from the stories, the tales... perhaps even sick of the repetition. Other than the old gentlemen who probably had uncles and fathers who fought in the war, most Government officials and naturally, all news anchors are sporting them, moreso for political correctness than anything else. And even at that, I've seen a few Premiers (equal to governors) without 'em *coughcoughMcGuintycough*. The alternative is that the population is so self-absorbed and apathetic that they don't really give a flying-fric about the fallen soilders. *shakes head* Just a bloody shame is all, that this is how the flame of the old heroes are extinguished: quietly, worn only as a symbol of correctness on the lapel of liars. So it's over the mountains, and over the sea Come brave Newfoundlanders and join the Blue Puttees You'll fight in Flanders, and at Galipoli Enlist you Newfoundlanders and come follow me Then the call came from London, for the last July drive To the trenches with the regiment, prepare yourselves to die The roll call next morning, just a handful survived. Enlist you Newfoundlanders and come follow me The stone men on Water Street still cry for the day When the pride of the city went marching away A thousand men slaughtered, to hear the King say Enlist you Newfoundlanders and come follow me - Great Big Sea; Recruiting Sargeant. With Hats off and heads held high, we salute you. Humbly, - Captain B. Red

"I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am? Is there any way that I can stay in your arms? If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed? If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head? If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?... 'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today 'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right And though I can't be with you tonight And know my heart is by your side" - Daniel Bedingfield: "If You're Not The One" Hello my friend(s), I trust that all of you have enjoyed the real first month of school. Apparently along with homecoming events comes the dreaded assignments - hopefully you're lucky enough so as to not be stuck in a compromising position between these two extremes. I'm not in a particularly good mood, that is to say that I'm not in a mood conducive to writing well and thusly, for all intents and purposes, I shouldn't be writing right now. This is where the major exception comes into play: even the Captain has deadlines... and a slight headache at the moment. As some of you may know or may be able to extrapolate from the opening, I'm going through this weird thing right now. Essentially I need to disassociate my feelings, which seems easy, but I haven't been able to get a hold of a certain person to notify them that this is the way it has to be. It's surprisingly difficult and until I do, I'm pretty sure that my overdeveloped sense of loyalty won't let me move on... not as if there's anything waiting for me to come running towards, sav-vy? Sorry, it's the only way I can get the two v's to not look like one w. Which, in hindsight, should have very well been called double-V. A reason for everything I guess. A reason indeed. The other night Shallow Hal was on the Tele; Jack Black and Mrs. Gwynth "I named my kid 'Apple'" Coldplay. I won't lie, it was my first time watching the film and I felt a little emotional. Not to get into a rant of self praise, but for some reason I've always had a soft spot for larger-built people. Not pity. I need to clarify that right now - definitely not pity... but just a weird sense, possibly because I was kinda there and know what happens both internally and externally. At any rate, what I connected with beside the humor of the movie was the notion of people being able to look past appearances and seeing the beauty of the inner person - so much so that it transforms how we physically view the person. From experience I've seen how easy it is for people to do the reverse of this, that is, they allow a persons physical appearance override judgements of character and, especially in terms of morality. Much like Hal, the main point of the film - his experience, didn't hit me until he returned to the hospital in search of Rosemary. He came upon a little girl whom he had seen before, but due to his condition perceived her physical beauty in relation to her inner beauty. With this condition removed he saw her for what she truly was - a child in the burn victims unit. At that moment, two things happened. I had an almost uncontrollable urge to switch majors so I could work with these kinds of children and I had the very controllable urge to show some kind of emotion. Immediately after that, two other things happened - each very magical: he realized that a person's inner beauty is worth more than how they look, and I realized that society is a jerk - Hal exemplifying that point but than transcending it by making the connection from the unfortunate chlid who is scarred to the adult who isn't the prettiest but has a great personality. Society at large is unable to make that jump. They can't seem to make the connection because they have the innocence of a child to circumvent any judgements regarding physical characteristics; essentially because "its just a kid." Fast Forward twenty years later, most people will only see the damaged and scarred young woman in front of them. Many will not approach her for any reason, and those who do will generally not be able to see past her physical demeanor. She could be nicer than the Pope (not like that takes a lot) but how stifled her opportunities due to the way she looks. That's what basically occurred to me between the moment that scene ended and the station came back from the commercial break. Later... as in three minutes ago, it seemed to me that we're really a messed up group of people. I mean, I understand the primal desires to obtain a pretty/ handsome mate to create good looking/ healthy offspring. I understand that completely and it would be 100% acceptable to me if we were primates, but like I have said before (and I will continue to preach) what separates us from our primate cousins is the fact that we have the ability to reason, and it is this higher cognitive ability that gives us gifts known as morals, conscious and it is also allows us to debunk complex conundrums -not to mention my favorite- plan. With this in mind, why is it that we generally insist on picking a significant other by A)Looks and B) personality, whereby "A" generally has a huge weight in both the starting and advancing of a relationship while "B' is cut down to the mere function of stability and 'second-cuts' criteria? And even that only bloody well applies if he/she is a complete and utter jerk! It appears to me that the system is utterly inefficient in so much that 1. Looks and features change over time, so why base something we hope to be long-term primarily on something so temporary? 2. As finding someone of the right personality is the key to longevity, woud it not make more sense to weed out the unnecessary contestants through a process of A. Personality B. Looks, thereby creating a realistic group in which to pick from? That’s why sometimes it's best and usually tempting to date a friend - they love you for who you really are and don't care that you look like a throwback, sport a mullet or have a chin the size of a small country. The process is a little longer, but for Christsake, why bother going from person to person, letting physicality wave 'love' around as justification to dispose of better judgement? We're a society who's obsessed with looks and no matter how often it back-fires on us, we'll continue to do it, partially because it requires too much work to implement a new system and partially we still believe we're right. Regardless of how sad that young woman's situation is, we'll still look out for number one, so chances are that we won't approach her and we'll never find out that she would make us happier than the person we're currently with because it would take too much effort - too much out of us. Naturally humanity has a disposition towards passive acceptance - to not go against the grain of things unless it is an act of self interest, in which case all bets are off. This is why, as we have previously discussed, the right decision is generally the toughest to make, because in terms of resistance, the acts of selfishness, greed, and apathy are low on the scale. However it takes effort to be kind, to share what we have earned, to console or relate to a person in pain. It takes time, time which we would undoubtedly prefer to be using to further our own endeavors or leisure; in other words spend on ourselves. See, to do the right thing is, at times, unnatural for us because it is so much easier to be indifferent and continue doing what we do best - look out for number one. I am not preaching, for I myself am just as guilty as you in terms of the amount of gluttonous time spent chasing acts of self-fulfillment. We all do it, just some are better at hiding it than others. I used an extreme example to illustrate my point, but perhaps when you're looking for someone for a particular post, maybe giving someone of a lesser physical stature an equal or upper hand would be in you advantage. Won't work every time, but it seems to be that this love thing should go beyond physicality - even to the point of minimizing it as the criteria for the post-meeting checklist. Now I'm not saying go for the guy in the corner who smells like tuna or the chap who has a terrible record concerning hygiene; that's just suicide. When in doubt... and even when you're sure: Use your head - that's always rule number one. Buying Time - Captain B. Donkey Riding

Well, I took a two months hiatus just because I could... plus I'm thinking of actually making it a tradition. The main thing is that during the summer I do not have many happenings, so any entry I would be making would seem awkwardly forced and we do know how I hate coerced entries. You can generally tell when someone is faking it, or worse, has lost the drive but insists on pressing forward. I think I've been guilty of that in the past. Doesn't make it right, just makes it common is all. So how have we all been? It's been awhile. I shant lie, I have missed you terribly. I'm sure you haven't missed me, so I will forego any further sharing of unmirrored emotion. Oddly enough, most of my entry will deal with issues which originated today, that is to say, I haven't been preparing the topic(s) of this entry - just the entry itself. Lately 've been having some weird dreams... and by that I mean I've been remembering my dreams. Usually I couldn't tell you what went on after I closed my eyes to sleep, but I've been remembering what goes on. Like last night I had a dream about christmas, but instead of christmas carols I remember Elton John being the soundtrack to the entire dream. It was truly odd. Maybe because I haven't listened to him in awhile. But that doesn't matter. What does matter is the mistletoe. My dad and I were redecorating our previous dwelling and we dropped the mistletoe we were trying to hang over the front door. The strange part is that we never hung one out the front door but that doesn't matter. It ended up rolling across the street and I was chasing it. I was going to cross the road to get it when a car came down the street. I was stuck on the parallel sidewalk, watching in horror as I expected it to get run over by the wheels, but instead the vehicle drove over it - the mistletoe rendered untouched as it had passed between the wheels. Once again I attempted to move but yet another car appeared from nowhere; I expected the same thing and was handed the same result. This happened a few times and about after the fifth... [possibly more, as it isn't quite crystal clear] I marched across the road and grabbed picked it up. Now what I find to be most troubling is that the dreams I've been remembering are the kind that I can read into, to emerge with some kind of meaning. It appears as though these dreams go beyond the simple "You had a dream about a sub and soup; thusly you were hungry," which, generally is the case mind you, but in those situations I simply dismiss it and put on a pot of soup. Thus far my subconscious has yet to lead me astray so I'm inclined to roll with the punches and not doubt where it is leading me. Perhaps I should explain things so you can leave a bit of input... It really isn't that difficult to break your dream apart. You just have to know how to tell the rubbish from the meaningful stuff and know when to use direct and when to use symbolic interpretations. I'd demonstrate but something tells me you don't want to hear about how a mistletoe being run-over by oncoming traffic relates to the current affairs of state. In other news, I had the pleasure of watching "Pay It Forward" earlier in the month. Possibly the third time I've seen it and it really is a good film. Aside from the romance and drama between Helen Hunt and Kevin Spacey, which was a little forced but all-together believable, the concept is what I am most attracted to. Imagine a world where we each took it upon ourselves to help three people. Why three? It leaves room for one failure and one helped person to disregard the concept entirely. Why everyone? Because not everyone will successful in their endevours and some of you will think I'm nuts so I say everyone with the expectation that only 50% will try and of those, less than 50% will be successful. I can't speak for everyone, but as far as I can tell, this could actually go places. For those of you unacquainted with the idea, it involves one person doing something for someone else, for no other reason but to keep the system going. The catch is that you as the doer can't get anything from this transaction, the 'something' that you are doing must be something that person otherwise couldn't do for themselves and finally, you must tell them to pay it forward. And don't just clean up your old neighbours lawn for free... Well, you technically could, I mean, there's nothing wrong with that, but the closer to big it is, the more successful you'll be. Ideas from the movie include: giving away your expensive car, helping a homeless person get off of the street, helping a person get their life together, stopping someone from getting killed/ beaten up. Now if a select group of people started to do that - good for goodness sake, could it truly spread? The idealist in me is saying that it could so work, and granted it wouldn't remove all of the worlds problems, but does it not have the potential to make it just that much more better? Of couse there's the flip side, where the cynicism starts to kick in and you wonder what it's really all for, if your existence can make a difference in this huge rat race. The Universe is so large that, logically, it seems as though one person's life couldn't really make a difference in the grand scheme of things. Even the greatest and worsest people in earth's history eventual fade away, their contributions (negative or positive) a distant memory, shuffled to the back of our minds under the heading 'useless knowledge' as we rush off to the next sport meet, date or IM. So what good can one possibly do that'll make it worthwhile? To that I say why must our actions produce some grandiose effect or be an identifiable part of a larger scheme? If that's the case why would any of us bother existing as our existence on a daily basis is mundane and uninteresting at best in comparison to great thinkers and doers of our time and even they were insignificant by universal standards. So again, I ask you why even bother existing? If your justification for not attempting to start paying it forward is because you don't wish to waste your energy on useless actions then why not just extinguish your life, for it, in comparison to everything out there is not worth living. See, life in and of itself, is a constant series of actions and if, as you say you cannot possibly make a difference than why bother continuing to live; why continue performing these actions if you are clearly incapable of making a difference within the larger picture? One truth is that anyone who provides that defence will not attempt suicide because humanity is a selfish institution and because of that, that person will continue to exist as per there being a possibility that they can take, gain and then create more for themself. That's the truth. We're not a particularly benevolent bunch of creatures, most of us will only have momentary glimmers of greatness- hiccups if you will - and even those probably won't be planned. And said person(s) who will not do good because they're convinced that their good actions will never be able to ripple outward is the same person who will act to gain for themselves and will probably negatively influence others in the process but will be so oblivious to it that they'll continue acting in the same manner. Another inescapable truth is that each individual does make a difference on a daily basis. Doesn't have to be huge, but just big enough to effect one person. And really, on a purely physical level you do make a difference, you use up oxygen and natural resources. That alone blows away the "I can't effect the world" theory. Without even consciously acting you're effecting the world, just by living. The way I see it friends, if you're going to be taking and consuming for your entire life you might as well try to do something right - don't let your entire life go by until you realize that you've been a taker; constantly subtracting from what the world and people have to give. My friends you have three people to pay if forward to within your entire life. That's all the theory asks for. If the concept is still unclear rent the bloody movie and it should become clearer than mud. I challenge you to try it. Of course you can always opt out of it and I'll never know - I can't check your homework. For some of you, this is your only chance to interact with the rest of the world and to be a crucial link in the chain - the first. Cooperatively, - Captain B. Mistletoed

Good evening loyal consumer, Before I begin, I'd like to thank you for your opinions and advice that you rendered to me regarding my previous entry/ issue. With that in mind, I suppose that it's my duty to inform you that I decided to let this one pass. Yes yes, you can send your grievances to the union after, but before you do I think you should realize that it was for the best and furthermore, my options were wholly limited. Lesser of two evils and all that. She's getting over it and life will go back to being just as normal and mundane as before. Crisis averted and as far as I can tell, a return to reality is over-due. Of course, Caroline was right, any decision you make in life is going to displease or hurt someone you know and that's because everybody wants different things for you... everyone has their own agenda and that's why it's nice to have people you know you can rely on to provide cool and objective coverage of these sorts of events. So thank you all, thank you both. I'm going to need a haircut soon - I dislike haircuts with a passion. I think it's because I get attached to things. We all know people like that, perhaps you're even one of them and that's okay too. I guess that's why we have mothers who can encourage... or in my case nag to get rid of the things that won't benefit us at all [i.e. excess hair] But see, the attachment issue is really a terrible thing sometimes and not just because I end up being labeled as a pack-rat, but because I have to remember what sentiment I attributed to this item, for whom, when, why. Between that and trying to balance names and places, memorizing songs I seldom hear and the bank of useless knowledge, it's a wonder I can function at school and work. The human mind is really an interesting thing and if this is only a fraction of it's capability as the biologist would have us believe, and if in fact psychopaths do use more of their brain than regular, tax-paying decent citizens than I am scared to see what our full potential is. I can only imagine. Progress and mild-tempers? I think not. Chances are that we'd end up decimating ourselves [which, by the way, doesn't literally mean slaughtering, but actually a reduction of a number to ten percent of the original amount - a deduction of ninety percent if you will.] We'd either have to have a lot more children (there goes the entire paycheck on diapers) or just be content with the fact that we wouldn't have enough people to defend ourselves from an alien invasion. When you think about there probably aren't even enough brave souls on the planet to save us right now. in terms of bravery, we were probably better off a few decades ago. I'll explain why in a little bit. And by that I mean right now. So for some reason I keep on picking these weird but slightly enlightening books from Chapters (which is the Canadian giant as far as books go. This one is more of a confirmation of my thoughts and a reassurance that either I'm not the only crazy one on this planet or that there may just be some value in observation. The author is Christopher Moore and t be honest, he's put a lot more lucid thought into this than I would, simply because he's middle aged and an author and I'm none of the above. He's correctly identified a new category and dubs it the 'beta male.' Throughout the book h gives little definitions which explains the main characters behavior and allows the author to demonstrate that he has a pretty good grasp of he evolving male condition. So in my wisdom, I'm going to share, verbatim, a copyrighted piece of literature and if The Captain never returns to SitD, it's because I was sued and/or shut down. "While Alpha Males are often gifted with superior physical attributes - size, strength, speed, good looks - The Beta Male gene has survived by not meeting and over-coming adversity, but by anticipating and avoiding it... but because he can anticipate danger, he far outnumbers his Alpha Male competition... In fact, many Beta Males, contrary to any empirical evidence, actually believe that they are Alpha Males..." (P.31-32) "Beta Males almost always make good fathers. They tend to be steady and responsible, the kind of guys a girl (if she was resolved to do without a seven-figure salary or the thirty-six-inch vertical leap) would want as a father for her children. Of course, she'd rather not have to sleep with him for that to happen, but after you've been kicked to the curb by a few Alpha Males, the idea of waking up in the arms of a guy who will adore you... and will always be there, even past the point where you can stand to have him around, is a comfortable compromise. For the Beta Male, if nothing else, is loyal. He makes a great husband as well as a great friend. He will help you move and bring you soup when you are sick. Always considerate, the Beta Male thanks a woman after sex and is often quick with an apology as well. He makes a great housesitter, especially if you aren't especially attached to your house pets. A beta male is trustworthy: your girlfriend is generally safe in the hands with a Beta Male friend..." (P.35-36) Now there is why the bravery level has declined and why, amongst other things, military recruitment is down all over the board. Sensitive is fashionable and 'cultured' has been brought down to the masses. We're all victims when you think about it. Many Betas do think that they're Alphas but when the going gets tough, when you think you can rely on them - *wham* they turn out to be sensitive and the opposite of what you need. Personally, I blame Liberalism - but that’s just me. The point I'm trying to make here is that right now, in terms of percentage, there are more Beta Males than there were 50 years ago. Of course there are problems associated with an world monopolized by Alphas, but realistically, if the majority of North American men start to loose their backbones, start going soft and such, what would we do if aliens were to invade? And more likely, how the hell could we defend [please note the omission of the word "attack"] ourselves from other countries? Maybe we could use all of those Starbucks cups to build a fort? Or make a few ships? That'll show 'em! The USS Inspiration or HMCS Wise-Words: Making a stand one Pomegranate Frappicino at a time. I mean, it's nice that there are a lot of guys out there who are willing to move their lady-friends out of their houses without expecting anything in return - in fact I did that twice last month - but there a line has to be drawn somewhere. We are definitely at, if not past our quota and with Metrosexualism making it's debut on the scene, we're so screwed if something drastic doesn't happen soon. And since we're talking about fatherhood, or rather, since fatherhood was brought up I might as well confess something. While away for a day about three - four hours away from the city, while staring out onto the lake I started thinking about the future, about wanting to give my kids the same experience.. or at least hoping that I could. I know that it's crazy-talk and maybe it was the combination of fatigue and dehydration, but I started to think about a miniature-captain and a mini-Mrs.-captain running around by the dock, splashing in the water. No idea who my other half would be... no clue whatsoever, but we're working on it. Maybe it's a sign of aging? But shouldn't this be happening in my mid/late-twenties? I can barely afford to pay insurance and rent right now if I tried to move out on my own, and yet here I am thinking about purchasing / renting a cottage for my children? Anyway, after that I started thinking about living arrangement - various places I could call home and provide for my kids... my non-existent kids. Well, there goes that bloody over-active imagination again and once again I seem to have put the carriage before the horse.. it's just that I worry. I've been worrying about that lately as well - marriage, co-ordination, honeymoon. I'm not too sure where I'm going with this one, but if I keep this up I'll have everything laid out before I even get into another relationship... have I mentioned that it's been over 18 months since my last relationship? Oddly enough, in that time span I've managed to help about two dozen relations, attended five funerals, decided who to have as my best man, been on four real dates, and managed to soil my first year of university. I'm just not sure if thinking this far into the future is a healthy thing for me to be doing at this point in life. I'm pretty sure it's not normal for it to be on the mind this much. I need a hobby. I decided that next year I'm going to take up fencing. As for this year, I'm going to work on the violin - worked it into my class schedule to get a few credits. But what I really need right now is a midnight snack and a nightcap. Thank the maker for PB'n'J and Vodka. I'll leave you with a quote from Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young: "And if you can't be with the one that you love Honey love the one you're with Don't be angry, Don't be sad, Don't sit crying over the good times you had." Cheers, - Captain B. Rearranging

Well, Here we are yet again, you reading these entries and me... well, me writing them. There's been a lot of nothing going on these days, so I won't waste your time filling you in on the small occurrences that really mean nothing. Granted it would make for excellent filler, but I think we're at a point where we can afford 100% beef as opposed to ground up raccoon intestines. Mmmm, intestines. School finished, can't say that I'll be thrilled about the marks I'll get, but I will be passing so I can't complain. Next year will be different - it'll have to be. But until then, it's work. That's the name of the game and so far I'm not doing too bad. Mothers Day time equaled good hours. No need to worry though, the personal time will be made up on the off seasons, so by the time it's all said and done, it'll balance out properly; I've done the math. Speaking of calculations, I've been trying to get in touch with the people who left for school and are now returning home. The energy is a little like when the knights return home from a long battle and the villagers throw a party and such... only less beards, less hairy women and more drinks all around. Funny how people can change so quickly; the little girl you once knew grew up so fast. I guess that's what happens when you leave 'em with the wolves, they become a product of their own environment and then before you know you hardly recognize them anymore. Speaking of changes, or lack thereof actually, I had the privilege of being an escort for yet another prom this year. I suspect that knowing a third of the graduating class does help insomuch that you can at least enjoy yourself around the people but still dance without worrying about diminishing what they think about you because at the end of the day it doesn't totally matter anyway. The only thing that didnt work out too well was that the person I was attending with didn't particularly enjoy the music, so I had the unfortunate pleasure of dancing with every other girl I knew for most of the night. Why was that unfortunate you ask, well she didn't fancy that much; got a little jealous I suspect. As a result the night ended quicker than we anticipated but that's alright - all in a nights work I suppose. I just wish she would have enjoyed herself more is all. So what else is going on. Work has been work. It's been a little slow lately so I'm thinking about snagging a second job for more dough, but I'll wait until June hits and see for whom the bell tolls. I really must stop using that term, it really refers to death. And speaking of death, ad three funerals to attend this month alone. No felt personal loss; extended-extended family we go to show our respect and condolences. Started thinking about getting into the parlour business actually, but my mother arduously disapproves. The way I figure it, Job security will not be a problem as within twenty years the amount of deaths, however unfortunate this may be, will increase by a staggering amount. And that's factoring in the whole 'people are living longer' trend. Forty years from now it'll be a boom. Of course that doesn't sound great, but if someone was to say that they're going into palliative care because it's a booming industry, everyone commends them. For some reason funeral directors are seen as evil people because they're making money off of the dead, but in reality someone has to take care of the arrangements, make sure it all goes well etc. etc. What cannot be denied is that it is a business, so there has to be a certain amount of revenue for the bills, the employees, any renovations, additional improvements etc. Without that there's no way they could offer the services that people need, that is, unless the mourning family will be able to build a coffin, print handouts, embalm, arrange a hearse etc. It's just the way of the world really. Another way of the world: you can't please everyone. Unfortunately some of us are unable to please the people who we should be pleasing and must resort to bribery as opposed to being nice, rational and reasonable. Of course bribery only lasts for so long until you either have to increase the payments or they stop caring about whatever you're giving them because they no longer want your compensation. Such is the case with the supervisor at my place of employment. A funny tale, probably more amusing if you actually knew all the players involved in this one. The long and short of it, the employees are slowly being agitated with her[the supervisor] and her antics. Even the people who have the utmost patience and are generally friendly have expressed outward contempt for her to myself. From my count, there appears to only be one person who does not dislike her and that would be an eccentric old lady who couldn't tell you what month it was or why the grass is green. I'm waiting for the day when the bribes of ice cream, cake, doughnuts and subs will not longer quell the grievances of the people. Thus I am waiting for the Mutiny Aboard the Night Crew. I think that before the summer is through I will get that tattoo I've been thinking about. I'll price it out next month and see if the marginal cost is worth the marginal benefit. Nothing big, trust me. I must be slipping, lately I've noticed that I am and for the life of me I can't decide if it's totally my fault or partially circumstance. Went on two dates this weekend. It was interesting. One of the only useful things I decided was that younger waitresses are 8 out 9.6 times friendly with me. Not just the general friendly that you know is because they're looking for a decent tip, and it's not the friendly where they think you're attractive, but just a genuine friendliness that can't help but make you feel good about yourself, the restaurant and the person serving you. But all that aside, I shall share how things went because it's really not that personal. The first one was 50-50. I hadn't seen her in a long time then we met out of the blue and decided we should do something one evening. So we did an early dinner at this little place I know, where I think she was a little put-off about the fact that the waitresses were being nice to us. The fact that I was carrying on a conversation with them as thy passed by or were serving us didn't help matters much. Serving - I hate that term because it makes me feel like a cripple or a person who is taking advantage of a person. I mean, I know that they're getting paid and that we offer them a gratuity at the end of the encounter, but I just feel uneasy about it. That's why buffets have a certain appeal to them, but the real principle of buffets - to consume as much food as anatomically possible so as to stretch your dollar as far as it will go because you feel that you're getting ripped off everywhere else. That doesn't appeal to me either. But then again restaurants would have to lower their prices if they turned it into a partial-serve establishment. Maybe I'll think about it. But about the date. We then to the beach where I skipped my first through eleventh stone of my life. Exciting eh? Previous to that we went to the movies where we found out that we'd have to wait two hours until the next un-sold-out showing of x-men was available. My review of the movie: pretty darn good. I mean, avid readers of the original comic series may be disappointed at the direction in which they took it, but you have to realize that they don't have hundreds of issues to create, recreate and twist the plot, so, as a reader of the original comic book I am understanding and even sympathetic to their problem. With that in mind, I appreciate the direction they took the movie and am pleased with the outcome of the film. The reality is that the actors cannot stay young, alive and interested forever, so I take my hat off to the writers. Bravo I say. Didn't think they'd be able to pull it off, but it did well. I recommends it - even if you aren't a follower of the series. As for the date, well, it was not action packed. Definite friendship material there- no more. The second date was highly anticipated, not because the first was a dud, but because I've know the person for over five years. We did Lunner, and spent three hours in the restaurant talking about everything. Again, the waitress did extremely well with handling my behaviour. We hit it off real well, and now she want to enter into something a little more serious because, in reality, this has been coming since the beginning of grade nine. The only reason it didn't happen in grade 11 was because she started dating my close friend at the time. I'm still friends with both of them, but she was his first love and as they say, you never love another quite like your first. So she's looking for us to enter into a relationship and for all intents and purposes, this is something I should want, it's what I’ve been looking for over a year. But then there are the two codes to consider. They demand that I do not do anything of this nature - that I do not betray a friend by dating his ex and that I do not betray him by even asking. They didn't end on good terms see and her name is fighting words in his presence. All that aside, I run the risk of being hung for treason if he were to know that I was even considering it. I refuse to break the code that I wrote with my own hands. Precisely who would I be if I did that? The bigger issue is that even if he were to say it was okay, which I know he inevitably would, he would still be hurt. Granted they broke up a few years ago, and he's not hung up over her but how can I do that to him? Yesterday I talked to the guy who helped me develop one of the codes, and even though he's not her biggest fan, he told me to do it, quoting the reason that for once I need to do what's best for myself and stop thinking about other people, that I'll never be happy if I always operate this way. He went on to say [ keep in mind that I'm paraphrasing here] when it comes to these situations the only people that matter should be her and me, that a relationship is between two people, that out friend would get over it and understand, especially since he has someone else now. Truth be known those are the same things she said to me when I told her that I can't get into a relationship with her. By the way, she's not happy with me right now. The other problem is that although a relationship is between two people, before it's started, the proper arrangements should be made vis-a-vis the F code; and that includes consulting her ex-boyfriends if they happen to be your friend. However when it's something this big - his first love... his first everything, shouldn't it be out of the question? The G code demands that it not even be an option - we designed that way for a reason. Yet here I am questioning my moral fiber, struggling with what I held to be right as it squares off against what my heart is thrusting me towards doing. I've already given the order to slow to impulse power and I've scrambled two response units to control the immediate reactions. Meanwhile my senior officers are meeting to work through the problem, but they're divided and arguing amongst themselves in the conference room adjacent to ops [the entire area also being known as the brain.] To be honest, I don't see this one ending pretty. Something's going to have to give and invariably I'm no winner. Is that enough to make a move out of desperation? Never. Negotiating, -Captain B. Preparing

Gutten Tag, A particularly interesting thought struck me recently. Or rather, it was introduced to me by an associate. What if we wrote in such a way that nothing strictly followed or preceded anything else- no cause, no effect, no apparent relationship between any of the items other than the fact that the writer put them there, and put them in that order to convey a message; in effect rendering each article as a mere puzzle piece with no more significance the numerous words we use to tell a tale or write a memo. Wouldn't reading and understanding be far more elusive and even intriguing? Our best critics would have to go from scrutinizing why a poet settled on this word and not another to why an author picked this event and how it contributes to the whole meaning. Weather wise, the past two days have been spectacular. It was the kind of day where as soon as you open the window the smell of spring just rushes into your home and so you constantly keep it open knowing that it won't too cold nor too hot. It's well past 23:00 and I've still got my window open. It's bloody well April, far too soon it would seem. But since when does anything have to make sense these days. Take for instance me writing right now. Not three hours ago I was revved and ready to go - I had a lot of things pent up and ready to put down on paper but as I look at the list I wonder if the energy, time and money is even worth me conveying whatever the weak message may be today. So easter just passed us by and I was around some of the family. Not a bad way to reintegrate them in preparation for the upcoming summer activities. It finally dawned upon me, and I can't for the life of me figure out why it took me so long, that my parish priest bears a strong resemblance to Sir Alec Guinness. In laymen terms, he looks like Obi-Wan Kenobi. He has the facial hair, the right colour of hair, the build, the attire. I swear to you I was in mass and I honestly expected him to pull out a lightsaber and challenge the less-than-honourable priest in the church at the time. He's also always meditating and as the tendency to stroke the same semi-beard Obi-Wan sports in episodes 4-6. He's the kind of guy you'd want to sit down and talk to about life, but I'm afraid to out of fear that he'll bring up religion and catch me off guard. I had a close encounter with him once and he seemed either impressed or pleased with me but this was fives years ago and we were both different men then. Still though, one day I will work up the courage to talk sit down and talk with him about life, sans Dieu. Maybe he'll even show me a few Jedi mind tricks (not a reference to the rapping duo out of Pennsylvania). Speaking of mysterious D words, I guess now is as good a time as any to bring it up. Death. It's always a touchy topic... or maybe it's touchy because deep down inside I'm the only person I know who seems to be at peace with and accepting of it; perhaps too accepting of it. Stopped by the local cemetery the other day - yesterday. A few weeks ago I went to where my grandfather is buried. I didn't know the man, he passed away before my memory capabilities were fully functional. Still though, he's the closest thing I have to a deceased relative... although it's really as though I was standing next to some strangers stone. The thing I like about cemeteries it's quiet and you never have to worry about anything because if people are there, chances are that they're there to be left alone anyway. I'm pretty sure that cemeteries are quieter than libraries and I'm convinced that they are perhaps the quietist places on earth... except in the night when brain-sucking zombies break free from their graves and terrorize the city!! Right, sorry about that. *fixes tie* Sometimes I feel like if I were stopped and talked to by someone who actually had someone who'd died they'd feel as though I was mocking them, or going through some kind of awkward phase, which it very well might be but since I've never been interested in science I can't exactly open a funeral home and I don't think that being a cemetery operator has any novelty outside of freaking out dinner guests and striking up short-term conversations at parties. Somehow being there talking to an impartial stranger allows me to look at it objectively because you know as well as I do it can be difficult once hormones and feelings get in the way. Sometimes it useful to hear just how ridiculous what you're saying sounds and other times it's useful to have a quiet atmosphere to run over your own ideas in your head. Like just the other day I was thinking about past girlfriends - all of them. Haven't done that in a long time and then I was trying to figure out why. A peaceful quiet would have been useful then. But no such opportunity unveiled itself, but I got the answers I needed. Realized that the past isn't where I should be always thinking and as always, two days later went straight back to the past. Had another revelation. That unlike everyone who's older, well-tempered and somewhat wise, I forewent the stage of recklessness and error. Does that make me superior? Inferior in fact. Here's what gets me. The old and wise, once young and foolish, urge the young to be more like them - to learn from others mistakes. In actuality, in denying themselves of any real experience, they will be older sooner and never wiser. They think that their advice is sound, but it will be denying the youth their chance to learn and thus gain wisdom. It's not that the current old and wise don't want the youth to become wiser - quite the opposite. They think that by encouraging people to make the right decisions that said people will become wiser sooner. What they fail to realize is that this is infact counter productive to the entire process. In a sense we call them old and wise because they are elderly and because we know that we should be doing what they're telling us but we won't - for whatever the reason may be. Hence we are young and foolish. It's a perpetual cycle that cannot be stopped and should not be altered but already has been. The old are to be wise, temperate, well- mannered and thorough whilst the young ought to be courageous, arrogant, stubborn and brash. Not only does the individual need it to be this way, the world needs it to be this way - the world needs courageous, arrogant and brazen men - not to make ourselves look better. No, not at all. But for various reasons the zeal of a youth is matched only by the balance of a man in transition. But in all honesty, it's a shame this new generation, it really is. You're not suppose to mess with the system - particularly when you're directly involved and not a mere spectator. But alas here we are: messed up and all. See what happens when you try to cheat the system? Don't worry about it though, it'll all erupt in our children's children's faces and they will have to be like our fathers and grandfathers all so that we could have a few premature grey hairs at the temples. "Ambition is a tricky thing; Ambition can backfire." A few days ago I was talking with the gentleman I work, he was born during the second world war. Not a worldly man, but a man who has seen a lot of things. Good man too. I've been working with him for a few months now and he started opening up to me about his kids, his marriages, old friends, life/childhood etc. Want to know his biggest regret is? Getting a girl pregnant while in his mid-teens. And not because he was stuck marrying her, but because it didn't work out between them. That was his biggest regret. Make everything else seem like small fries eh? And it should. A lot of people have gone through a lot worse. Of course it is by their own doing - I won't lie. But if we have to nit-pick for something regrettable in our life, doesn't that say something about how comfortable it has been? Just a thought is all. You know, when I was little they use to call me 'The Runaway Boy' because I was always running away - always wanted to be somewhere else. I was thinking about it and by the time I was done I figured I was either putting way too much thought into it; the way a tired, frustrated and over-worked father puts too much meaning behind joking words or I'm onto something here. If only the jedi order actually existed. It is a religion though. 0.67% of Canadians reported that their religion was Jedi, which works out to 20,000 Canadians. Rumor has it that it's the fastest growing religion in Canada, probably because the census before that only a handful of jokers said that they belonged to the jedi order. Could be fun. You know what else is fun? Star Wars Lego - the video game. Check that out. It's for the PS2 and Gamecube I believe. One of the best game I've played in awhile - might even buy it. Have I mentioned this before? I think I have. Maybe. All the same. Looking for a fun game that incorporates two things you absolutely adore? Check out Star Wars Lego. 4.3 Parrots out of five. And one last thing before I go, since I just brought up animals and pets and such. We had a tree frog come in from somewhere in South America the other day at work. I was going to take it home but was unsure how my mom would react so I gave it to this guy named tre (pronounced as tree). I've been thinking of getting a turtle or a frog as a pet. My sister's fiancee suggested I get four turtles and a rat, put a red, orange, blue or purple stripe across the shell of each turtle and name the rat Splinter. In case you're too young, too old or too dazed to get that one, he's suggesting I create my own ninja turtles complete with Master Splinter. I think that four might be too much though. As for a mouse - never; frogs can jump which means that they can escape easily and with my luck - will. I'll figure it out one day. But for now I'll stick to caring for my Irises. Greying at the temples, - Captain B. Running

'ello there, I had a thought this morning and for some reason felt compelled to write it down before I lost my train of thought, but more importantly my enthusiasm towards it. I kinda just woke up and it literally was the first thing on my mind. really it's a question. Is it more admirable to consistently follow a moral code that you feel is not wholly right for your entire life, OR is it better to opt out of following something that you know not to be wholly right and instead always search for something better, even if it means making mistkes along the way and sometimes not having a set code to live by at a given time? Let me put it this way: Is it better to follow something you know not to be 100% right -or as humanly right as we can get- (which means you'll make incorrect judgements anyway) or is it better to make potentially less or more mistakes whilst trying to find something better? In the first option, there's consistency and you do obtain a sense of belonging by saying that you believe in -Blank- (whatever blank might be). But there's always that little problem of being true to oneself and chances are that if you have to deceive yourself into believing something that you know not to be true, than it really isn't worth it. Of course, I'm not trying to underscore the value of consistency. The benefits to that are numerable - mainly that you know what to do or think in practically any given situation, you know your stance because it's predetermined by the group in which you've sided with; whether it be political, religious or gang related. Oh yes my friends, there is generally honour among thieves... however twisted it may appear sometimes. But the inherent problem I keep brushing up against is that you're lying to yourself, and you know it. So how can a wrong action be defendable if the person committing said action knows that he/she is wrong? More generally, can a wrong action be defended if the person carrying it out is not confident in the institution who commands, recommends or otherwise endorses the action - assuming that they are unaware that the action is wrong? I'd go as far as to say that perhaps they shouldn't be affiliated with that group; even if it is the lesser of two evils; extreme circumstances notwithstanding. But what about the other option? While you're looking around for something that's fits perfectly, how do you base your decisions on any moral ground? Based on the supposed intrinsic rules? Even that has it's faults - like nobody being able to agree on what, assuming they can agree that 'what' actually exists, is and is not innate to our very being (before the influence of society). That's not to say that one must belong to a certain group to have a moral understanding of things, but everybody has to have something to believe in. -Everybody- So you wander through various beliefs and systems all the while never knowing exactly what to do. But at least you haven't thrown your lot into something you know you won't fully believe. Sure you'll make mistakes, but is it not better to make mistakes in the name of personal progress than a blind following? Or would it not be better to make mistakes for a real cause than a mistake for no real benefit at all - 'cause we all know that personal progress and self discovery can hardly be classified as a bona-fide cause. I was curious is all. Both sides have merit and really, it's just a matter of how you spin it. The real question is which one would improve the measure of a man in the court of public opinion because in all honesty, that's the only court that does and has always mattered the most. If you were unaware of that little fact, then let me be the first to welcome you to the Republic of Reality, my friend; Permanent Residents: 0. Capital City: Opinionville. Largest City: Cape Greed. Smallest Settlement: Port Hope. Government: Totalitarian. Climate: Chilly. Major Exports: Death, Unhappiness, Corruption and Dental Floss. Currency: Truth and Lies; whereby 100 Lies equals 1 Truth. Welcome indeed. So all that nonsense aside, I best be getting to the meat and potatoes of this entry before I lose any more of your attention. I was talking, er, rather typing to a friend the other day about something and it occurred to me that perhaps I ought to put this out to the masses... or at least the four people I have on my friends lists and or any random(s) who wish to input. I've been reading this series, or I was reading this series and there was this interesting concept. Well, you all know of the theory that whatever can happen, does. So that's to say that if there's a cookie sitting on the table behind you, and you choose to eat it, you choosing not to eat it also happens, you choosing to ignore it happens, you choosing to give it to someone else happens, you choosing to drop it n the ground happens, you choosing to throw it out happens etc. etc. etc. With that in mind, there are so many realities, if you will, that it's feasible that you're either dead, pregnant or incredibly rich in at least three different realities. Oh you laugh but it's more possible that you think. Back on topic, I stopped and thought, I thought long and hard. Let's say you could interact with one of those realities - you were given the chance to go and see how you turned out after making a different decision up to this current point in time. I'm not currently making this about regrets, because that's wishing you picked something else. This is about fulfilling a curiosity - would you not be just curious to see how your life might have changed had you taken that trip you had the chance to or asking that guy to the dance or whatever it may be. I realize that for each event there are more than two possibilities and that after each event there are other decisions to be made, but we'll follow the rule of probable actions and suppose that after you made a different choice, your decisions are what you'd most likely choose or most likely happen, so that only that one event and whatever it changes are changed. To not confuse the exercise with anything else, try thinking of something you think would actually change your life or really effect your current standing, as opposed to something you'd have liked to experience or wish you done/stopped etc. So you tell me, what's the one reality that you'd like to see how things turned out; how you would've changed as a person. Email me, comment, post it in your own diary or just think about it. When I really thought about it, I was surprised - not by the list, but by what occupied the number one slot. Funny how things work out sometimes eh? As for the rest of the list, it's on a need-to-know basis. But more importantly, it hasn't been created yet. Ever notice when you're putting your resumé together how easy it is to find a technical name for an otherwise menial job? More importantly, have you ever noticed how tempting it is to get carried away with the B.S.ing of your responsibilities? I just made my general labor job sound like I was the assistant manager of the department - sans title. Hopefully it'll fetch me a nice sum of money this summer. If not, at least it was fun creating it. Sometimes you gotta just lay, enjoy the ride and not worry if every single detail doesn't go according to plan. The way I see it, "there are two types of tragedies in life. One is not getting what you want the other is getting it." 100 lies later, - Captain B. Truth

It's been awhile since I've taken to the pen, but alas, I find yself driven back to the depths of my mind to create yet another entry. I'm sitting in an office, belonging to a doctor, in the middle of ChinaTown. As far as I can tell, so long as they keep me hopped up on T3's, I really don't care what they say is wrong with me. I mean, as long as I can't feel anything, the pain won't bother me, right? Actually, the pain won't even exist, so really, what pain? But I've realized that I've spent a good deal of my time here doing just that - not feeling. And this time I mean without the aid of medication. In my absence, I increasingly found that nothing makes me happy. Actually, I shouldn't say nothing because some things do, but everything else that I use to find joy in, I don't. The list has been narrowed down to the following: Newfie/Celtic music and Big-Band/Swing music. All other forms of music fly in one ear and out the other and, like I pointed out earlier, everything else I use to find refuge in, I can't. Friends, talking, listening, writing... even my vices which use to provide at least some form of relief for a short period of time do nothing for me. It would appear as though the so-called rock-solid foundation I built everything upon will no longer support me for as long of a period as I had hoped. I'm thinking of a number between one and 15, can you tell me what it is? The answer is 37 Seriously, I need a hobby. Something I can be passionate about, something that I can identify with and something that will assist in the creation of self-actualization and self-understanding. I think maybe I'll take up the fiddle again, maybe swing dancing? Truly, I can't keep on doing this - whatever this is. Seems to me that every six months or so I end up losing myself and having to tear off yet another band-aid because of it's over-used and has never been replaced. Not as if the wounds are any better - they're just not as identifiable, nor the weapon of choice. Who knew that facing your own humanity could be such a grueling task? Part of the problem is that I have no-one. No offence to any of you, 'cause I don't mean it in that sense of the term. Maybe I should clarify. Recently, it became abundantly clear to myself that I had placed a great deal of care and time into a friendship in lieu of having a real relationship. That said, when said friendship began to break down due to distance, wear and tear, I began breaking down because I had no-one. I had no single friend to care about, just a large friend-base where nobody stood out or had the criteria for the top spot. I realze now the err of my ways, in so much that certain priorities shouldn't be masked by other like priorities... if that made any sense. It's just that lately I've been concerned about what I'm really here for. No-one to willfully care for - no goodfriend, no girlfriend so what's it all really worth? Not that I'm thinking about suicide - no, no, no. As Hume put it, " I believe no man has ever thrown away his life while it was still worth living." And mine is still worth lving, it really is. Why would you pay admission and not actually see the feature film? Nobody pays for the previews and I'm sure as hell hanging around to see how this one ends, savvy? In other news, I get to attend another prom this year. Turns out that one of my associates couldn't find a respectable, dancable, non-boyfriend material date who also happens to get along with her friends, so we decided thatI was the best substitute. Committee decision really. Just a matter of wearing a suit, or a tux... I'll tlak to her about it. Something tells me that there's going to be some kind of pink in this one. I can feel it. Also, I had to sign my life away to the school so that they'd let me come. I was surprised that they didn't ask for a CPIC printout, but I suspect that the school board will foot that bill, which means that I (through my taxes) will end up paying for it anyway. Gotta love the sytem eh? Speaking of payment, I really owe you all some kind of update as to what's been going on. I don't know about you, but I was expectng some kind of huge occurance that would shock, rock and otherwise stun my world, sut sadly I cannot provide you with a great tale of love, loss, great sacrifice, explosions or tricks. That is, unless I make it up . But I won't. I got ill, recovered, grew more facial hair, got new specs, got told that I look/act/speak too much like my father and I can now drink anywhere within this great land of mine, and in fact in most of the world, save the USA, but I bet I might be able to pass. Let's see, spent $68.00 in order to get my heart broken and, perhaps most importantly I can rightfully say "That's the second time I've had to watch that man sail away with my ship." Except change the words 'sail away with' to 'whisk' and 'ship' to 'girl.' I had to face her this weekend, I got a half-hearted "sorry" for my troubles, but at least she apologized. Come on, work with me people. On the upside, I no longer have to attempt to see if our old relationship is reconcilable. I realize that it isn't, despite what I use to... no, despite what I still feel for her. The Captain - 1; Lonliness - 37 "...And still I have the pain I have to carry A past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried After all this time I never thought we'd be here Never thought we'd be here When my love for you was blind But I couldn't make you see it Couldn't make you see it That I loved you more than you'll ever know A part of me died when I let you go." That looks about right to me. I'm done here, so maybe you can amuse yourself somewhere else, 'cause this it's not looking as though this year is going to be a good one. Sorry to dissapoint, again. Disarrayed, -Captain B. Twisting the Knife

Not much to say here really. I actually put this together earlier, but forgot all about it. It's nothing great or grandiose, but it's all here for a reason. *shrugs* You Are a Classic Martini You area sophisticated drinker, who knows that simple quality is over-rated. You're a knowledgeable drunk, but sometimes you're a know-it-all when you're blasted. You should never: Drink and gossip. You tend to forget who's standing right behind you! Your ideal party: Has a real bartender. But no one mixes a better drink than you. Your drinking soulmates: those with a Chocolate Martini personality Your drinking rivals: those with a Margarita Martini personality What Flavor Martini Are You? Your Blogging Type is Pensive and Philosophical You blog like no one else is reading... You tend to use your blog to explore ideas - often in long winded prose. Easy going and flexible, you tend to befriend other bloggers easily. But if they disagree with once too much, you'll pull them from your blogroll! What's Your Blogging Personality? Your Personality Profile You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant. Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle. You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs. For you, comfort and calm are very important. You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection. You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong. The World's Shortest Personality Test Cherrio, Captain B. Classic