The next day, all I could think about was my arm. I was so scared of someone seeing it. Either they would tell someone, or just think I was seeking attention. That was always my immediate reaction. When I saw someone with cuts, flaunting them, as if it was something cool; even if someone accidentally showed a cut, I would still start thinking so much worse of them. I had no idea how much they must have been hurting to do it. When Kelli first told me about her SH, I told her it was stupid, she was attention seeking and she should just stop. I was so ignorant, stupid. But more than that, I wanted her to stop so badly, hearing about it made me feel like complete shit, I knew she was unhappy, but not to that extent. I needed her to stop, she was my best friend, no one likes to see a friend in pain, and it’s what I had to cope with every day for years. But I couldn’t do anything about it, if I asked her to stop, she would either say she ‘couldn’t’ or would pretend she had. So many times she promised me she had stopped or at least was trying, then the next day I would see new cuts. Somewhere, I hated her for lying to me, and I hated myself for hating her, I was too ignorant and selfish to realise that she was truly hurting and I wasn’t helping one bit. Of course I never showed how much it made me dislike her, I could never tell her, and I could never say a harsh word to her. I was scared of what she could do to herself. And I loved her so much, seeing her hurt felt like I was being ripped inside, so many nights I cried, praying for it to stop. Above all the hate, all the fear, all the despair, Kelli was still my very best friend, and I could not bear seeing her in so much pain. I had no one to care for me, to want me to heal, to pray for me. I was on my own, against everyone else, every pair of eyes that gazed at me, every person that would see my arm, every person that would see my tears. And I knew they would have the same immediate reaction as me, and I couldn’t blame them for that. But just like I had no idea, they wouldn’t know a thing about how Kelli’s death was burning me, eating away at me inside, I couldn’t move on, she was too close to me, and this pain would always be there.