god this music is depressing, and horribly meaningful dammit. westlife hav ruined it bugger them. english was ok actually, we got 2 play wiv laptops hehe. and then we just watched a video of someone hu wanted it 2 rain (?) in geography. iv finished all my belgian chocolate :( i was thinking erlia, as u do @ bus stops, how much of my opinions of things depend on addiction. 4 example, i wouldnt b pissed off if i found that my friend had smoked a fag, but i would b if i found out they wer addicted, and the same with drugs, SH/SI. hmmm, not very interesting thought processes, cos they kinda stopped there, cept i thought of examples n stuff. maybe im just tryin 2 get myself out of being hypocritical, but hey, twas just a thought. :s my mother just came in n sed she was gettin worried bout the fact that i always minimize t screen wen she comes in :s o wel. oh yeh, iv just discovered that none of u can c my diary like i can, cos im using a different font that ive downloaded from t net. tis called evanescent n is t evanescence font if ur remotely interested. just 2 let u no, tis alot cooler wiv t rite font. i dont no wot 2 say tumtetumtetum. please comment cos im bored n tisnt nice ewn no1 comments cos u havent ritten nefin interestin l8rz susie xHUGx

thank you sitdiary, you have served me well for over two years. unfortunately, you're a bit of a pain in the arse in terms of actually loading pages. and theres stuff on here i'd rather leave behind. susieis.blogspot.com visit me sometime. bye.

Life is good right now. Tech is over. Drama was fantastic. Ditto english results. And today, i can sit and relax, happy in the knowledge that i'm not supposed to be doing anything else. I#m going out for a walk with Ami and Georgia this afternoon. I love walking. I was going to go out by myself, then they called me. It'l be cool :) Too much has happened since my last entry. Its been over a month. Its quite apalling. Quite a few times i've written half an entry, then just not bohtered finishing or posting it. I just get so much more done when theres nothing i have to do. Smile people. The stress always ends at some point. xxx

I have done absolutely nothing today. I feel like i should care about that or make some effort to not do nothing in the future. But i know thats not going to happen. Today, i lay on the sofa. My sister bought me lunch. I put it in the microwave. I watched television. I realised that i had 5 hours til cafe 42 and i should really bother to have a bath and get out of my pyjamas. As a result, i havent worn my sling for the last 5 hours. Or taken any pain killers for the last 24. Would you look at that. They do help. I'm going to go straighten my hair and stop boring myself with pointless entreis.

Yesterday i had my first experience of a hospital. I guess I've just had an oddly lucky and healthy little life. I've never broken anything, never thought iI'd broken anything. In fact, the most serious thing that i've had is tonsilitis. And lets face it, thats hardly an A&E situation. But yesterday, i dislocated my shoulder. Its quite amusing, since i saw a thing on TV where a guy dislocated his shoulder and had to have it put back in, i've always thought about dislocations way more than breaking something. If i broke my arm, i think i'd be quite surprised, but for some reason, i wasnt partiularly surprised about my shoulder. In terms of the injury iself, that too was fairly amusing. The experience of being able to feel the gap between your shoulder and your arm is one which i think everyone should have. Cos it's just so gross and so interesting and just a very odd but very cool reminder of how the human body is made up, and how easy it is for something to just pop out. I was also amusingly lopsided for a fair few hours, but only I noticed it, cos i know what i'm supposed to look like, and i know when my arm is hanging down 3 inches lower than it should be. One thing i keep getting asked: Was it painful. In short - yes. A horrible consistent aching pain all the way down my arm, kinda like a cramp actually in my shoulder, occasional twinges of bloody agony, and then just insane discomfort. Knowing that your arm is not where it's supposed to be = not fun. Thats another thing you wouldnt think you'd notice; all the time, you actually feel how close your limbs are in relation to the rest of your body. The thing that frustrated me most was feeling my arm much closer to my body than its supposed to be, and not being able to move it back to where it's supposed to be. After a few hours, i got used to the pain, and it was just annoying. People don't give enough credit to the NHS. The hospital was actually great. I had to wait about an hour in A&E, but thats just because right before i was about to be called in, an ambulance came in with a little person. Which is fair enough. After that, i went to see the pediatric assessment nurse, she was lovely. I told her i thought it was dislocated, she said, 'you know, i think you might be right' and called in a proper doctor man who took one poke at me and agreed. Normally, after seeing the assessment lady, i would have had to go back out and sit in A&E waiting to be seen by the doctor. But he came straight in to the assessment room, and prescribed me some Oromorph. Lots of it. Which almost completely took away the pain. Then i went through to Xray, waited about half an hour, it lasted about 2 minutes. When i got back to A&E, nice doctor man had already seen my Xray and was on the phone to an orthapedic surgeon to come sort me out. And we got our own little room to sit in with a dolphin on the wall. It was a cool place. My orthapedic consult was called Andy. I liked Andy. He was veery sweet. And rather yummy. And he told me that they were going to put me under a general anesthetic to pop my shoulder back in. Cos it's easier and less painfull that way. They sorted me out a bed in the pediatric ward, in a room all of my own again, with an awesome TV internet phone thing going on. Then they took me pretty much straight up to theatre. I got my general, which was veery amusing, wouldnt mind another one of those. You go aaall tingly and woozy, then the next thing you know, you're being woken up, and youre all fixed :) I then had to lie around in the ward for 4 hours, just in case. I had some mushroom and leek pasta which was very yummy, and even more yummy in the knowledge that my new friend martin the nurse-I-think wanted it, and i'd just taken the last portion. Hehe. Anyway. So yes, the hospital was really good. I saw the assesment nurse at about 2.15, and i was in theatre by 4.15. And everyone was so lovely. We're so bloody lucky to have an NHS, and people should stop complaining about it. Granted, it probably wouldnt have been such a great experience if i wasnt still technically a child. Primarily because they wouldnt have given me a general, they would have just popped it back in then and there. Also because there was a 4 hour wait for the adult triage nurse. And the pediatric ward was immense, it was all colourful and awesome, and all the people were really cool. I liked them alot. So yes, if you're ever planning to dislocate your shoulder, do it before you're 16. As for now, i have to 'rest' for a few days. Basically, although my shoulder is back where it should be, all the muscles and ligaments around it have been streched and bruised and weakened. So the slightest thing could easily pop it back out again, which is a litte disconcerting. In fact, now i've done it once, the cances of me doing it again in general are significantly increased. Basically i just have to be careful for the rest of my life. For now, i'm in a sling for 3 weeks, and getting some phsyio soon to sort it out. No PE for 3 weeks, and i just have to be uber careful. Its not painful unless i move it, but that could be somthing to do with the regular painkillers i'm taking. And i've just realised that i've been holding my shoulder in the wrong position for the last hour that ive been on this computer. So i should end this uber long rather boring entry here.

'You got a fast car But is it fast enough so we can fly away We gotta make a decision We leave tonight or live and die this way I remember we were driving driving in your car The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk City lights lay out before us And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder And I had a feeling that I belonged And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone' Tracy Chapman - Fast Car. Class song. Thanks to Shmami and Georgia, my jamming buddies (NOT band members :P) for introducing it to me. As the 'Current Mood' so pleasingly states, I'm feeling oddly comfortable at the moment. Comfortable, not in a physical sense, because, to be honest, i hate this chair. But comfortable in a general all round 'emotional' way. Using the term emotional very loosely there, because i couldnt really think of a better word to fit in. And to be honest, i'm not entirely sure what i'm trying to say by it either. Comfortable in my life, and the way its going. Comfortable in the way relationships with different people are changing. All i'm hoping is that while i'm sitting here, taking it as it comes, allowing life to live tiself for me, that these changing relationships are changing for the better, and chaning in a way that will keep me sitting so comfortably for as long as i know them. 'It is a well known and popular fact that things are not always as they seem' Sadly, no revelations about the true intelligence of human beings, and certainly no singing dolphins are going to follow that statement this time. Instead, i am going to get off the computer and go to church. Not because i am super dedicated and spend all my time at church, but because it is sunday and i am late. Oops.

I hardly got any sleep last night. I got back from the party and of course grandpa was staying in my room, and when i got into lizzies room, there was crap all over the bed. So i slept on the floor. In terms of the party itself, parts of it were great. Others were terrible. To start off with, itwas great fun, everyone was dancing, having a good time. About an hour into the party, Twiggy came over to me, already smashed. And i didnt want to be pissed off about it, but i guess it just made me realise what the rest of the night was going to be like. Gradually more and more people got pretty much pissed out of their heads. And i still felt nothing from the 5 drinks and 3 shots i'd had. So basically the rest of the night consisted of hearing Rosie apologise at me. Constantly. Trying to keep a paralytic Rudi conscious. Being scared shitless by Gemma and Zoe. Comforting those who were also scared shitless and incapabe of doing anything. And generally having a go at keeping everyone happy. By the end of the night, a lot of people had sobered up, at least a bit. Which fortunately meant there were a couple more people to keep me sane and help out with the drunk people. I think i'm going to make sure i'm never around that lot and alcohol again. I dont see why my night should have to be ruined, just because i'm apparently the only one who can handle their drink. Before the party, i was talking with zoe. She was worried that people were going to get smashed. I told her that that wouldnt happen. Cos of course we're all sensible people who arent out to get pissed, but just to have a good time. And i said that if one person looked like they had had too much, other people around them would stop them drinking more. And i really belived myself. I trusted my friends not to be so fucking stupid. I trusted that if they knew they were a lightweight, they would pace themselves; that if they knew they cant hold their drink, they would ask someone to watch out for them; that if they hadnt eaten the entire fucking day, they wouldnt immediately run to the shots. I just thought that maybe my friends wouldnt be the typical example of everything i hate about teenagers. With people not having a clue what theyr doing, people thinking its cool, the hostesses being more out of it than anyone else, people helping themselves to more drinks than they can handle, and nobody batting an eyelid, people throwing up all over the place. Mike was incredible. Truly. And people had better bloody be grateful to him. There i was, desperate to even remotely feel the slightest bit tipsy, just to make it all seem a bit easier; and he didnt drink all night. I honestly dont know what i would have done without him there. I think we both kinda kept each other going. Being around him seems like a bit of a self-destructive cycle. Its all great when i'm there, and it makes me happy just knowing he's there. But all these stupid feelings which i thought i'd got rid of dont seem so stupid anymore. And i'm relentlessly reminded of how much i still like him. Which then means that i can't get him out of my head, and i want to see him more. And stupidly, however crap everything going on at the party was. I would give anything to be back there with him now...

I have a tech deadline tomorrow, and theres not even any point me trying to make it, i should just welcome the 5 detentions and be done with it. This weekend's been nice. I did absolutely nothing yesterday, just lay on the sofa, literally, all day. it was great. 1st time i'd done that in ages. today was good too. church in the morning, as per ususal. then a bit of church orchestra, always a giggle. Then me ami n georgia had a lil jamming session thang. it was fun. and seeing as i havent touched a bass in about a year, and even when i did, it was just me messing around on my sisters, i think i did surprisingly well. its probably helpful that almost all the songs we played consisted of G E A and D basslines, which would be the 4 strings of the bass... I'm so uber tired recently, its not even funny. I spend too much time talking to people online, when i really should just go to bed. But sometimes, people are worth it, dont ya think? I made my A level choices the other day. Biology Chemistry Theatre studies and German. I also made a decision that my father is never coming to an options evening type event with me ever again. I also feel guilty for not taking english after mr pattrick gave me a very sad look when i told him i wasnt planning on it. I feel like i should go and do something productive. Maybe i will. Or maybe i'l sleep...

I just got back from cafe42. i Swear that place is bad for me. But i know i'm gonne be down there every other week. I tell myself that i'm not bothered about luke, and that whatever happens happens and i'm not gonna go making a prat of myself to try and change that. But then i see him and hes so fit and so sweet and so funny. and i just forget all about that. And then he plays the bass and i just forget about the rest of the world. i cant believe someone can be that insanely talented. he's amazing. he's not gonna be at dyd tomorrow, which is sad. but oh well. I'l see him in two weeks i guess. by which time i'l have forgotten about him again and stopped caring and be back too saying 'nah, i'm really not that bothered'. I see a vicious circle looming nearby. it was the lighting up brentwood thing today. i got to look like a bit of a prat and do a drama. dressed as mary. truly lovely. ah well. it was fun i guess. last night was the 1st full nights sleep ive had in weeks. for once i didnt get woken up by an alarm. i swear hell is full of alarms, and you never sleep but are just constantly being woken up as if you havent had enough sleep. eurgh. I've got silly amounts of tech work going on atm. or more accurately not going on, which is the problem really. I dont know what else i have to talk about. my head is too fuzzy. i need sleep. or maybe luke.

Well, mocks are over. Yay. I guess. I did kinda enjoy the freedom and the lie-ins. somehow made the hideous exams and lack of revision worth it to some extent. So many people have access to this site nowadays. Makes me think back to the old days when i could write anything, and not be worried about who was reading it. The thing is, they're not even people i wouldnt want reading it. Its just a bit weird. Its funny how you find yourself caring about those people in your life who you thought would never be very significant. And eventually, you find yourself wanting to see them more and more. They're not just in the background anymore, they are the front of your mind, all the bloody time. And you dont necessarily 'like them like that', but you do love them, more than you would ever have thought you would. And it starts to hurt when you see them in the arms of someone they dont love even half as much as you love them... Maybe thats the point where you're supposed to back out. Stop it before it gets out of hand. Or something. But it's not that easy. Cos just talking to them makes you happier than youve been in a long time. And they have that odd ability to make you feel special, in a way that others have to try bloody hard to acheive. And its pretty blindingly obvious that i'm talking about one particular person. And its pretty blindingly obvious that he's gonna end up reading this, and i'm going to look like a complete twazzock. But i think, on some level, he already knows...

I'm so relaxed right now. I think it takes a few weeks of insane amounts of stress to make you really appreciate what life is like without it. Like I've said, the last couple of weeks were pretty hellish. I dont think there was a single night when didnt end up in tears just stressed out about the whole thing. especially the last couple of days. And, even though i did really enjoy the whole day, i am bloody happy it's over. The baptism was as good as it could have been. Managed to put the whole stupid father issue aside, mostly thanks to our wonderful steve. i really dont know what i'd do without that guy. And the evening was great. Granted i was pissing myself. But it was all so worth it. The feeling of doing is something 'out there', doing something for God, and clearly making a difference to the church is a feeling i dont wanna let go of just yet. So yeah we crapped up occasionally, but that isnt even remotely important, cos we did it, and we did it well. And i'm so unbelieveably proud of all of us. Mocks are a joke. Theyve gone so well so far, i'm starting to see the point even less. Anyway, i have some small girls to attend to. No i am not a paedophile.

Yes, I am beyond cool. Sitting in the computer rooms at school, yet again, and i have gone on raz's myspace just to listen to this song. I may as well just loser sign myself really. This week has been shaping up better than i thought it would. Firstly i thought i was going to get bollocked in tech, and i didnt, in fact she rather loves me, cos i'm making a pants-shaped box... And i havent got killed for anything else either. But theres always time i suppose. Yeah the song's finished now. I think i may wait a little while before i put it on again. Just to try and reboost my coolness. Hah, like that could work. I'm really tired at the moment. Realising that i cant survive on anything lass than about 12 hours sleep. But i can rarely get 12 hours sleep, cos i always wake up so stupidly early, and not even deliberately. Also, i'm just a but generally nervous. I'm not really sure why. I guess the whole 10 days til baptism etc is kinda taking its effect. I've written my sermon/talk. But now i need to write the rest of my testimony. And generally just make sure everything is going to go right. I keep thinking its this really long way off and ive got loads of time, but its not. It's bloody close and i dont think i'm ready for that. Heh. I cant to maths. In terms of all the teenage crap which i'm sure you've come to expect from this diary. Things are just a bit annoying. me and Fergy are ok i guess. 'Friends' and all that. But theres something wrong which i cant quite put my finger on. I think until i tell him that i'm completely over him, he's still not gonna treat me the same as he treats other people. After the cinema issue, we dont talk anywhere near as mucha s we did for a while, which, i'l admit, its a little sad. But i'l get over it i'm sure. Forcing myself not to feel anything and just get on with life seems to have frankly not worked at all in the past. But there's a first for everything i suppose. Turns out i'm going to the brentwood fireworks with ally and sam chapman. Should be a giggle. Heh, i remember the last time i was writing about the fireworks. I think i may go back and read my entry from exactly this time last year. Thats always fun for some reason. Oh crap, i should get to chemistry...

So here I am, thursday of half term, the one day when i had something planned. Something I was really looking forward to. And i can think of nothing I'd rather be doing than talking online to the guy who stood me up. Typical.

What would possess you to text a teenager at 8 o clock in the fucking morning, on the first monday of half term? And not even about anything interesting. About a meeting. I dont know Linda Tav, sometimes your mind baffles me. I want to be asleep. I've felt very popular recently. Many interesting people have texted me. All those kinds of people who its actually worth wasting your credit on. We didnt even have particulary long conversations. But they all texted me first, or asked me to text them. which made me feel loved. I realise the offect of that was somewhat ruined by the fact that i got a text from my sisters ex boyfriends mum... but still, i have chosen to ignore that text and continue to have an inbox full of insanely worthwhile people. I'm currently writing my sermon for the evening service on the 12th. It's quite scary, thinking that i'm gonna be up there chattering away, and anything up to 200 people (optimistic for an evening service, i know, but theres always a chance) are going to be listening to me. Some will be really interested by what i have to say, some will be falling asleep, some will be stilling there tutting because my girl boxers waistband will be on show, some will doubtless seriously disagree with what i'm saying and complain at Dad for even consitering a youth such as myself take over his sermon. and then there'l be my friends. I have no idea what they're going to think. They all know i'm a chirstian, lets face it, they're all coming to my baptism, but God knows it's gonna be odd to hear me 'preaching'. Hell, its gonna be odd to hear myself preaching. Absurd in fact. Well now i'm scared. Ah well, if it all goes horribly wrong, i can always burt into a rendition of 'Come on in and taste the new wine'. If you havent ehard it, check it out, its a hilarious song. We've got a rehearsal today to choose all the songs for the evening service, and probably the morning one aswell, seeing as i get to choose them n all. and then we're gonna rehearse them, with th drum kit and everything, we hope. It should be good. As well as giving me n sally time to plan the sermon. The fact that i'm going to have pretty much written my bit by then is quite irrelevant. Hmm, its not so much as sermon as the kind of talks we get at youth events... I wonder if thats a good or bad thing... ...It must be good... It's a youth service.... They can live with things being a bit different. Ok, i'm going to go and stop distracting myself. I might be back to write more later. Depending on what there is for breakfast..

I've just got back from skating with YP. It wasnt as bad as i thought it would be, people were pretty intent on skating off faster than i wanted to, adn i was perfectly happy to skate slower, just thinking to myself. It's strange how what goes around comes around in this world. I dont know if thats the phrase i want, but i dont really care. Just an hour ago i was skating round riverside rink, with Sam holding my hand. And I realised that this time last year, i would have klled for a chance to do that. On October 18th 2005 (a year ago tomorrow) i wrote an entry, i was absolutely tearing myself up over sam. And looking back at it jsut feels so weird and stupid. He meant so damn much to me, and all i wanted to do was skate holding his hand, and all this time i've just been missing out on the chance to do it as friends. This time last year, i never would have thought that we would have gone through so much by now. Especially the whole him and Raz thing. Only the paranoid side of me would have predicted that, and i would have said to myself 'dont be stupid, that wouldnt happen'. I'm not all that clever. Things are great between the two of us now. We're really good friends, jsut like i wanted. He asked to sit next to me on the minibus, and we talked and laughed as if nothing had ever happened. And it just made me smile. And all this thinking about how stuff with me and sam has changed in such a short time; it made me think about how fragile and changeable life is. I could never see myself getting over sam, and i could never see myself meeting or liking someone new. So now, I'm not going to let myself get so involved in crap which will pass any time soon. I dont want to be looking back in a year's time at how fergy fucked me up cos i coudlnt get over him, and how we went through months of not being able to be around each other cos of some worthless drama which should never have got in the way of our friendship. There is nothing on this earth which should get in the way of a friendship the way things did with me and sam. And i wanna stick to that as much as i can. Things which seem so important to us now, could just be part of the scenery in a years time. Anything can happen, releationships change all over the place. But no matter how bad it may seem, it'l sort itself out in the end. And one day we'll all look back and regret not sorting it out sooner...

I wish it didn’t have to be so complicated. I wish it could have just worked how it does in the stories. Boy meets girl. Girl likes boy. Boy asks girl out. It might work, it might not; but that’s not what matters. What matters is that it happened. Maybe if I hadn’t got so worked up about Sam and Raz, this wouldn’t be like this. I wouldn’t feel so hypocritical, and she wouldn’t expect me to. Maybe this is just a lesson that sometimes you should watch how you react to someone, cos one day they might end up reacting the same way to you. No doubt it’s a valuable lesson and everything, but it could have been done in a nicer way. Damn it I really like him. And I don’t think its just cos I want to like someone, cos I really don’t. I don’t want to get caught up in all this crap, again. Or maybe I do, maybe deep down I want the teenage drama, I want to tear myself up over something again. I can’t stand this. I just want to tell him, get it out in the open, that’s who I am, that’s what I do. But that would be counted as ‘doing something about it’, and I said I probably would do that. He likes someone else anyway; I don’t know why I’m even bothering with this. I guess I’m just too naive and overly hopeful about theses kinds of things, I let my mind run away with me. I think this would be easier if it was a bit closer to my situation. If she had ever liked him, or he was her friend first, or whatever. Maybe then I’d understand it; maybe then it would be easier to walk away. I just want to see him again, is that such a crime? I just want to talk to him. But then I’ll be tempted to tell him. And then I’ll just become everything that used to make me cry. Maybe she’ll suddenly be ok. Maybe everything will be like the perfect story I want it to be. That’s the 8th time I’ve said maybe in this entry. And maybe never happens. I should really be doing work now. But haven’t emailed myself the first half of my essay, and I don’t have the spec sheet. I wish I could be bothered, or stressed, or interested, rather than so bloody indifferent about all this ‘work’. Who knows. Maybe I’ll get it all done.

Well, this has clearly been a long awatied entry. Not because i have anything worthwhile to say, but just because i havent updated in a veeeery long time. I'm not really sure why, i just havent got round to it. Very little has actually gone on since the last entry, I'm obviously back at school, which has been rather more hectic than i like to admit. I've been given a LOT of work to do, but i have real issues caring. Unless its overdue, or i have a very scary teacher, i'm really not fussed about work, which,as you might guess, hasnt got me far as of yet. Oh yeah, steve and laurens wedding. That happened. Awesome day. *grins* I'm currently sitting in the school computer rooms. At 4.45 on a friday night. I know, 100 geek lane, geeksville. Its actually cos i was going to do tech, which was due in earlier today. and i would have done if i had been allowed in the tech room. Somehow it just has a techy atmosphere which demands work. But as it is, we werent allowed, and i'm not in the IT room, writing a diary entry. And i just spent about 10 minutes having wheely spinny chair races with schbeccy and raz, and the 10 minutes before that playing with a large stuffed rat. So i think geeksville is actually not deserved. Ooh, we're off to costas Laters y'all xHUGx

An ironic title for you there, because infact i have absolutely nothing to talk about. I wrote the longest entry in the history of long entries the other day, then i accidentally clicked on an old entry and lost it all. I was very annoyed. But now i realise that none of it was really worth saying. Just a long rambling about soul survivour. Shyty sessions and Sam pretty much sums it up. Joy. This entry is going to be alot happier than the other was going to be, because, at the end of the day, i am fairly happy. Infinitely happier than i was during the last entry. Because, after some chats with Scbeccy and Soul Survivour itself, it has finally sunk in that God is bigger and more important than and shyte my friends may do. I dont want to live my life dragged down by teenage drama. Cos its just so pathetic. So, for a little while at least, i'm going to focus on other things: God, school, trying to actually do things for other people, that kind of thing. Maybe if i stop letting it stress me out, things will start to sort themselves out. Well, heres hoping anyway. I have to dedicate like the entirety of next week to coursework, its a bit of a bum. I'm quite looking forward to doing my tech actually. when i get round to it, it could be good fun. But the RE wont be quite as interesting. Plus i have a feeling i'm supposed to have read pride and prejudice by the start of term. Bugger. Oh well. I'm nto gonna let myself get stressed, at least until school starts and we start talking about mocks and gcses. then i can get a little stressed.

There was once an episode of Scrubs, when Carla wanted to go out with an old friend. JD stupidly invited Elliot along, and Carla couldnt say no. On the night, Carla and her friend pretended there was some kind of emergency, and stood Elliot up. She found out. Later, when Carla came to apologise, Elliot said this 'If I was going out with my girlfriend, I wouldnt invite you. Oh, who am I kidding, yes I would, and she'd probably like you more and neither one of you would ever talk to me again.' I know how Elliot feels. I have always had an underlying fear of introducing two seperate friendship groups to each other, or just having them mixing at all I've had experience in it. Gemma and Ben. Gemma and Zoe. Gemma and Max to some extent. And now Raz and Sam. And it all winds down to the fact that I don't want them to like each other more than they like me. And I realise how selfish and pathetic it is to say that, but i think everyone fears it to some extent. The worst thing is, I have absolutely no right to have a problem with it. I have no right to say 'you can't like each other' or even 'i wouldnt be happy with you two going out', because, true as that might be, I dont like him anymore. If i was still as crazy about him as i used to be, then yeah, i would say something, and i think they would respect it. But right now, if either of them asked me if i was ok with them going out, i would have to lie and say yes, becuase i have no right or reason to say any different. When you're friends with someone for a long time, you start to see their faults. Sometimes you start to see them over their positive sides. And again it all goes back to not wanting to be liked less than someone else. 'Cos if Sam chose Raz over me, with all the faults that may be there, or may just be a product of spending far too much time together; what the fuck does that make me? Having seperate friendship groups, at the end of the day, makes you feel special. You get attached to a group of people, and, more than anyone likes to admit, you get protective of them. Other firendship groups are there so that if everything mucks up in one, youve still got other people who love you and will be there for you. And you don't have to worry about other friends being liked more than you, because they don't know them. They become your friends, your little reason to be happy, your seperate life that no one has to know about if you don't want them too. You know more about them than anyone else, and theres something about that which just helps you sleep at night. But when friendshiip groups mix, they're suddenly not yours anymore. Everyone knows everything, anyone can talk about them, and anyone can spend time with them, without you being there. And that brings about a sense of rejection that no one should ever have to know. Either way this ends up, it's going to be bad. If they don't go out with each other because of me, then i'l just end up tearing myself apart for denying a friend of something i wanted for so damn long. If they do go out, I dont know what I'l do. I can hardly stand being around Gemma and Max, Let alone Raz and Sam. I wouldnt be able to talk to either of them, especially about each other. If i remembered that they were going out, chances are i'd start crying on the spot. Just remembering they fancied each other made me cry in church yesterday. And I know that I'll stay friends with both of them. But its the fact that now, both of them like each other mroe than they like me. Theyv heard every story before I have a chance to say it. It doesnt feel great. And things were just starting be normal with Sam. We were good friends, and i couldnt have been happier. But now this has happened and will fuck that up. With both of them. When it was all so damn perfect. And as well as all my selfish reasons for hating all this, I dont want Sam to get hurt. Everyone know Raz treated Jono like shit for a fair amount of their 'relationship'. I couldnt stand it if she did that to Sam. In our school friendship group theres alwaya been two Sams. And sometimes we have to distinguish between them, jsut so we know who we're talking about. We don't use their surnames. We use the same of the person theyr associated to. Theres 'Beccys' Sam. And 'my' Sam. Anytime now, 'My' Sam, isn't going to be called 'My' Sam. He's going to be 'Razs' Sam. That wraps evrything Ive just said into two little words. And that hurts more than anything. --- I've been writing this for half an hour, and thinking about it for even longer. And theres still more i could say, but i cant seem to put it into words. Maybe another day. This should probably be a private entry, but I'm going to leave it public anyway.

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