it has been a while... yes it has... im so proud of how much i have grown... when i look back i see a girl who looked so confident on the outside... but had no control over herself.... now i feel cool, calm, and collected... ready to face life... of course i still have some flaws i shall never lose but im ready to leave this old image of me behind.... for updates check me out on myspace... http://www.myspace.com/ijackson

liberate your mind be yourself and be free all around me people are falling stumbing and crumbleing as their they are seperated from their "other half" i cant understand "i havent eaten all week it makes me sick to my stomach" i hope im not that dependent i am myslef i know that i can stand on my own but i need to be loved and i dont feel it from home so i need to get it from else where i refuse to be like them i can stand on my own my brain in spinning with thoughts i have nothign to hind i am who i am slighty strange and severaly deranged i dont know whta i did to make you so angry dont ingnore me and pretend like everything is cool because its really starting to piss me off lets go down

twisted 11 was amazing (ps) some people are too nice i hate watching poeple get crushed because they are too nice and i have just realized that i my self have used a too nice person... and im trying to make up for it but i dk if it will work... but god... i want to just have fun like i used to... looking back at jenni's pics of like me piss as drunk at paiges passed out on the window... i mean yea it wasnt good to be that drunk all the time but it was hella fun and i wasnt worrying about all this shit i just was.. yea it was brushing my problems aside but fuck it worked... i mean i dont even remember most of that night but all i remember are the fun great parts... i dont know things are way werid... i miss bre... she was always so full of life and now yea she has moved and changed and made new friends but... she always made things interesting and xiting she would make anything fun or at least funny.. can we go back to the past? cuz i miss the good old days

what i day... i woke up and waited around for haze to call me so i could go out with them for allies b-day.... i waited all fucking da... juts to be let down dinner was fun but after the hockey game i gave up my seat in the car being the nice friend i am and then i got fucked... we went to a party and to my companys astonishment we werent allowed in apperently to them thats "a 1st ever".. hum? well they went off and not wanting to intrude on thier crowd, already feel odd enought, i went home...even better she droped me off at my next door neightbors house and i didnt even say anything just got out there and pretended like it was my house... i didnt wanna say anything i htough i might brust... i feel so shitty but i dont wanna ruin everyone elses night... but what the FUCK! why do i end up fucked? i juts want my life back, is that so much to ask?

now i remember why i stayed away i need to be shealtered from the pain the thoughts and ideas u expose like frayed wires are sparking ideas of self distruction i need your detications i cant be just a freind i have to be taken care of i need you to be there and have my back i would rather not die alone ideas are flying through my mind im trying to choose which should be my posion i just wanna feel numb dead to the world i dont know if i cant handle this..myself my rage is insane you think you stand a chance against me ha good luck this knife grows bigger and bigger at my side when will this temptations end bodyly impulses will cause me to do things i dont want to do... ideas its all rushing back i cant stop it i dont know what to do i could use a cig

Coach G: Jill i dont care about wiener right now.. JILL: G when do u ever care about wiener? Coach G: now thats getting a little personal! ahhhh!!! smoke again... keep um high

its ur big day and im missing it.. im sooo sorry... i want to be there so bad u have no idea... i feel so awful... i wanna be there... damn stomach.. ill killl u... please forgive me i wanna be there with u so bad today on ur special day... ur start in a new place

Forgiveness. It is a simple concept that at times, times like this can be so hard to grasp. Times when you know you should forgive, put yourself in their shoes, but for a while you just want to be angry and let them feel your pain. It is at these moments that remembering the importance of forgiveness is key. Humans, by nature, are flawed. Everyone makes mistakes, some worse than others but in the end, we all need forgiveness for what we have done. Whether this forgiveness comes from ourselves, our friends, or our family we need it to clam our souls. We want to feel accepted and supported by the people that we love most. You are your biggest critic. You judge your every move and cringe when you make the wrong one. But you must forgive yourself. Mistakes are made and lessons are learned from them. Never forgiving yourself causes feelings of worthlessness and incompetence. And it is for this reason, this inner critic in you, that I can allow myself not to criticize you more. The mistakes you have made are life changing. Only God knows when I will see you next. But never the less I love you, and I want you to know I forgive you. So please forgive yourself too.

im gonna exploide soon! im so addicted to this crazyness.. please let it go away i look down the path that my life is headed down and it is not what i want im in stupid apush cuz all my friends signed up.. and now they all droped out... over the summer my mom said i was dumb and couldnt make it in that class.... so now im forced to stick it out... i just hope i live through it im sick of trying homework is such a pain in the ass... we already have to endure so may hours of school y should we have to do school when we get home in all honestly i wish i was more into my religion... religion keeps people hopes up.. and hope is something i could use right about now.. its strange as one thing in my life get into place.. another aspect has to fall apart... i wish i was an artist.. i dont know how to express everything i feel i wanna be numb... numb to all this where is the peace man? i swear im going to kill my mother soon if she keeps up this bull shit... personally i think its even worse when she is a bitch all day afterschool and then at nite too... but then when i wake up she is all sweet... what the hell if ur gonna be rude be rude... dont be bi-polar! just let me pass out and wake me up when it all is over... but the question is will it ever end...thta i highly doubt i need a life...

fewf i juts need to get that out.. i hung out wiht haze this weekend i enjoyed it... i miss my freinds like crazy i juts dont have then energy to put myself there.. i dont know if people understand but... its just hard... i just wish that one day could go by with out my mom thinking im insance... or that i hang out wiht the "wrong crowd" just let me live my fuking life... be happy being u

let me holler at the dj... my softball team is soo ghetto... enough said... (nate hit me in the face with a softball... revenge will be sweet) i have to say i do agree with eunice... lots of people have flip-floped with different ideas... esp. she who shall not be named( the person who ur tlaking about eun) but i also have to admit i think i have...i used to stand for bullshit but now im just not taking it... i dont need it... i miss my freinds like crazy... i think about u guy 24/7... yay for shoshi for getting a little bit better everyday... i miss u babie.. get better NOW!!! things are confusing man.. i mean one day ur fine... and then the next week ur starting to feel like shit agian... me and sam talked some i felt a lil better... later skater... yea...rah...hockey (i heart u Moen)

school has started... i have 0 classes with haze... i have 0 classes with eunice... i have 0 classes with rachel... i have 0 classes with shoshi... i have 0 classes with allie... i have 0 classes with T... i have 0 classes with megan... i have 0 classes with L may... i have 1 (kinda)class with sam... i have 1 class with linda... i have 1 class with liv... i have 1 class with brett... i have 3 with pagina... so bascially i see paige 24/7 and i see no one esle i heart u paige i miss the rest of u, sooooooooooooooooo much anyhow... yea JV-A... ill miss u JV-B lol!

its simple my prayers are with shoshi just thinking about such a wonderful person being so sick brings tears to my eyes... seeing her in such pain crushes me... shoshi stay strong make it though this... i know u can... i thought the worst was over but its obviously not... i love u so much... pray for my shoshi

sometimes i dont understand u at all... i should i should know u like the back of my hand but ur actions dont make sence with the person i know u too be... y do u act this way? if i say anything ull just be offended... maybe im just over reacting i tend to do that too... i dk... i dont know how much longer i can take being a girl... i sick of all the bitch shit that comes with it... "she said, that u said, that u think im a slut, do u think that?" AHH! guys are so much easier to handle... y cant we just have fun like we used to... and i dont mean like when we would just get drunk i mean like in 8th grade.... we had so much fun and i dont even know how... i wish we could go bakc to that... and have shit loads of fun to the point that we were laughing so hard our side ached... i dk when i went out with berns yesterday it was fun... it was so simple but it was still so fun... it doesnt take much to entertain me... i want to pain my room but i want it to be really creative... hum lets see any ideas?

i was going to got thought provoked but of course they didnt have that... i look around me and it seem depressed is the new thing to be... who will be the next to join the fad? like when they do "i love 2004" they will be like, "well all teenage girls claimed to be depressed" i dk i was just thinking... its sad... and i was reading mals diary and who ever wrote that shit has no right to... if u have something to say say it to her fucking face... dont take trash to her and not let her know who u r? i know blah blah blah i dont knwo the whole story but i do know that if u say that to me i wanna know who u r... so i dont go aorund thinking ur my friend when ur not what r we fighting about? i dont even know so if u do please fill me in? things are confusing... im going...

im free! yeaaa.... what to do, what to do? humm cleaning my room its dusty as hell and i cant breath... oh well *ur sliping away and for some reason i cant seem to stop it, its not my fault if u cant see that i still need u* i cant wait to see all my girlies i miss u all tons! *esp carz ;)* haha we arent lesbos GET OVER IT!! extend ur prayers to shoshi... hold on shoshi and recover so we can all come and see u we miss u! time to play maid!

its 2 am and im 100% awake... yes i have been grounded for a long time but does that mean u completely forget about me... yea i promise ill call... and u never do when u were grounded i spent at least some of everyday at ur house... and yea i know ur not allowed over... but u cant even call to say hi how u doing what do i mean nothin? and i dont want to be the annoying girl friend how calls every 5 mins... but at this point im bored outta my mind i think i should be allowed 10 mins of ur time and yes it makes me jealous that while im locked up ur going out to luch with ur x-girlfriend! and yet u say u dont really like her and u invite her every where im sad and im lonely and i feel like im loseing everything espically u...please tell me ur still there

at home rocking out.... its ironic that i said things couldnt get any better cuz tey def didnt they just got 10 times worse i cant wait till monday so i can just get outta this house.... granted i wont really have any of the freedom i used to have but whatever... everything is so fucked up... we're teenagers let us live our fucking lives as for things with sam i do not know... this all sucks... shoshi has surgery tommorow... best of luck shosh!!!

the notebook... fucking amazing movie... see it! i saw it with eunice today... we couldnt stop crying... oh what an amazing movie... i feel like im being pulled in a million different directions... trying to please everyone... and then not having time to take care of myself... sometimes i love just being alone... or speading time with just bret... and other times i feel like being social and hate to be alone... im so damn picky... sorry... i love my babie... i love brett... simple as that i think about him everyday... and how much he helped me... but sam will never really know how much he means to me... and thats just a sad fact i will have to live with life can be a bitch... but right now its great and i dont know how much happier i can get

learning from my past As the days pass slowly And the weeks creep by I find myself obsessing About ways that I could die. I lay awake at night Thinking of my pain. There's no way it can get better; I have nothing left to gain. Suddenly thoughts of death Are controlling my every move, And every battle with my mind I always seem to lose. I no longer want to be around The people that I love. All that I can think about Is what's waiting up above. I cut my arms with razor blades To dull the pain inside, But that can only last so long; I don't want to be alive. I manage to keep my composure When people are around. They wouldn't understand me So I don't make a sound. I smile when I have to. I break down when I don't. I know I should be strong, But I also know I won't. So I make a plan to take some pills. It shouldn't take too long. I write out notes to all my friends To read when I am gone. I ask my mom to understand That life is just too hard. My mind can't fight it anymore; My heart is way too scarred. I plan it out so perfectly I even set the date. I'm pretty sure I'm ready; I know this is my fate. My bed is made up neatly AS I take them one by one. I start to feel a little scared; I know I'm almost done. All I can think about Is how I'm letting go, And how much I love my family. I really hope they know. My eyes are getting heavy. My body feels so weak. Everything inside is numb. That's the way it has to be. I'm glad that Mom's not here right now To watch me slowly die, But still I wish that I could say, "I love you and good-bye." I give in to the darkness. I slowly slip away. I hope I go to heaven Where dark night turns to day. I wake up in confusion, I don't know where I am. Is this heaven, or is it hell, The land of the eternally damned? There are people all around Although I can barely see, I can hear the soothing voices Of people dear to me. My family and friends are here Comforting one another. I can hardly make out any words Until I hear my mother. Each tear she cries feels like a knife Stabbing at my soul. I let my pain and suffering Blind me from my goal. At one point I was determined To make it through this test, To lead a life of fulfillment And to do my very best. But I somehow lost all sight of that. I hope she can forgive. I promise not to waste My second chance to live. I sit up in my hospital bed Tears streaming down my cheeks. My mother rushes over crying Like she hasn't seen me in weeks. I tell her that I'm sorry For causing her so much strife. I tell her that I will succeed In leading a better life. Together we figured out a way For me to get some help. I know no that I can go to her Instead of doing it myself. I know that it's not over yet; It's a long road up ahead, But I appreciate the little things Because I could be dead. I've learned to live each passing day As if it were my last. I look forward to the future And I'm learning from my past. Rachael Bennett