learning from my past As the days pass slowly And the weeks creep by I find myself obsessing About ways that I could die. I lay awake at night Thinking of my pain. There's no way it can get better; I have nothing left to gain. Suddenly thoughts of death Are controlling my every move, And every battle with my mind I always seem to lose. I no longer want to be around The people that I love. All that I can think about Is what's waiting up above. I cut my arms with razor blades To dull the pain inside, But that can only last so long; I don't want to be alive. I manage to keep my composure When people are around. They wouldn't understand me So I don't make a sound. I smile when I have to. I break down when I don't. I know I should be strong, But I also know I won't. So I make a plan to take some pills. It shouldn't take too long. I write out notes to all my friends To read when I am gone. I ask my mom to understand That life is just too hard. My mind can't fight it anymore; My heart is way too scarred. I plan it out so perfectly I even set the date. I'm pretty sure I'm ready; I know this is my fate. My bed is made up neatly AS I take them one by one. I start to feel a little scared; I know I'm almost done. All I can think about Is how I'm letting go, And how much I love my family. I really hope they know. My eyes are getting heavy. My body feels so weak. Everything inside is numb. That's the way it has to be. I'm glad that Mom's not here right now To watch me slowly die, But still I wish that I could say, "I love you and good-bye." I give in to the darkness. I slowly slip away. I hope I go to heaven Where dark night turns to day. I wake up in confusion, I don't know where I am. Is this heaven, or is it hell, The land of the eternally damned? There are people all around Although I can barely see, I can hear the soothing voices Of people dear to me. My family and friends are here Comforting one another. I can hardly make out any words Until I hear my mother. Each tear she cries feels like a knife Stabbing at my soul. I let my pain and suffering Blind me from my goal. At one point I was determined To make it through this test, To lead a life of fulfillment And to do my very best. But I somehow lost all sight of that. I hope she can forgive. I promise not to waste My second chance to live. I sit up in my hospital bed Tears streaming down my cheeks. My mother rushes over crying Like she hasn't seen me in weeks. I tell her that I'm sorry For causing her so much strife. I tell her that I will succeed In leading a better life. Together we figured out a way For me to get some help. I know no that I can go to her Instead of doing it myself. I know that it's not over yet; It's a long road up ahead, But I appreciate the little things Because I could be dead. I've learned to live each passing day As if it were my last. I look forward to the future And I'm learning from my past. Rachael Bennett