I've been in a relationship for a little over a year. There's a guy I know, he doesn't know I exist, but yet I'm completely infatuated with him. What do I do? Do I keep the one I've got or try to somehow stalk and then get together with the other one? Problem is that the other one doesn't even know my name, literally.

1. Would you rather be an African elephant or an Asian elephant? Definitely Asian. They seem to respect their elephants more, and I'd get to wear fun, sparkly outfits and headdresses. 2. Would you rather freeze to death or burn alive? I hear that after a certain amount of time in the cold, you know, after the burning sensation, you go numb. Numbness would be much better than my flesh melting off my bones *shivers*. 3. Name three movies you like: The Terminal, Five People You Meet In Heaven, Girl Interrupted 4. Name three books you like: Catcher In The Rye, Da Vinci Code, 9/11 Commission Report 5. Have you ever fallen in love with a fictional character? Which one(s)? Why? Jake Ryan in Sixteen Candles. That's a movie though. As far as books go, not so much. 6. Republican, Democrat or other? Democrat all the way. 7. Attendance percentage at high school dances? Ohhh about 90%. 8. What television shows do you watch regularly? OTH 9. Abortion is... pathetic and gross. 10. The death penalty is... controversial. 11. How do you take your coffee? Cream and sugar 12. How do you take your tea? I don't. 13. Who's your favorite teacher/professor? Sharawi 14. How do you feel about your parents? Mom=YAY! Dad=BOO! 15. What sort of music do you listen to? All kinds, honestly. 16. List five or ten bands you listen to. Queen, The Killers, Dream Theater, Black Eyed Peas, Dashboard Confessional, Hawthorne Heights, All American Rejects, Alkaline Trio, Rockapella, Wolf Parade 17. Do you use public transportation? Nope. Only the safe ride to get across campus. 18. Ever told someone you love him/her? Yeah. 19. Morning person, night person or both? Morning. 20. Siblings? 1 brother (22) 21. What are your friends like? Loyal and dorky. 22. Amusement parks are? Fan-fabulous. I miss Cedar Point. 23. Cafeterias are? Fatteningly good. 24. Dogs are? Adorable 25. Any phobias, traumas or other weirdnesses? If it was anything rational, I'd mention it. dan: i love you... alice ayres: where? dan: what?? alice ayres: show me. alice ayres: where is this love? i cant see it. i cant touch it...i sure as well cant feel it...! ...i can hear it. i can hear some words... but i cant do anything with your easy words! whatever you say, it's too late.

Why is it that I always have dreams where I cheat on him? Last night was bad because I had one that actually seemed real because it was with someone I'm here at school with. And in my dream it felt so right. Then I have dreams where I'm raped or where he's dead or whatnot. Am I trying to tell myself something? I kinda think so but I'm not sure what.

Why do I only have depressed friends? It seems like they all want to kill themselves, harm themselves, or have some crazy thing wrong with them. I'm not saying I don't like helping people because I love it. But it's so draining to deal with. My one friend wanted to kill himself this summer. I'm in college now and he's still in high school, barely making it by. All I hear about is how he misses his graduate friends, hates life, is scared, and all that. My other friend broke up with her boyfriend and thinks she threw her entire life away because of it. She's talking of transferring schools and killing herself where no one will find out. Hell, my boyfriend right now keeps talking about how he was gonna commit suicide before I came along. I mean, why the hell are they drawn to me? Do I have a sign saying that I was suicidal once too or something?! Gah!

I got my nose pierced today with my roommates. All four of us have them now. I'm really bored. I need to get The Sims back from my friend soon so I can play here at school. Maybe then my Sims pet thing will work. I still love him. I've just decided that I get pmsy and angry with him once a week every month. Last week was the week. Otherwise I totally love him.

Sometimes I really wish he'd remember anniversaries. We once made comments about how they're pointless and how Valentine's and Sweetest Days are stupid holidays that people celebrate. Tomorrow is eight months with him and I guarantee he won't remember or won't acknowledge it. I wish he would because it makes me feel... less special when he doesn't.

I want to be happy. I want to have no strings. I want to flirt. I want to make out with random boys. I want to get drunk. I want to go to the club and dirty dance. I want to be carefree. I want to kiss all the boys that I see and not feel guilty. I want to have fun and be young. I DON'T want to be thinking about marriage, kids, having my life all planned out. That's terrible. I'm in a rut. http://hotzone.yahoo.com/b/hotzone/blogs1152 That site is terrible but worth viewing.

There's a site where you can send in anonymous things. It's www.postsecret.com and basically you design a little postcard with your secret on it, send it in, and they'll anonymously post it and it's just a way to express yourself. Since this diary is anonymous anyway, I figure I can write some of my things on here. -I'm 18 and still so terrified of the dark that I sleep with a light on. -I still somehow believe that there's a boogie monster. -I think my life is like The Truman Show and I'm completely oblivious. -I'm pissed that my brother is gay because I wanted a sister-in-law and to be an aunt in the future. Now he's not even planning on adopting. -I'm not 100% sure that my father cheated on my momma but I tell people that he did. -I believe in the Harry Potter-type magical world. -I promised my boyfriend I wouldn't self-harm myself unless I call him first. Since I know he'd guilt me out of it, I'm going to get a second tattoo and endure that pain instead. -I wonder what it would be like to ram my car into the concrete posts under bridges. -I use my pacemaker as an excuse to get out of doing things I don't want to do. -I fear something awful happened to me as a child that I've blocked out and my parents kept from me. -I wanted to be a virgin till marriage but I've let my boyfriend do every sexual act to me without actually having intercourse. -I am an excellent liar and yet I don't really feel bad about it. I lie to everyone in my life. -I think I want to break up with him but I'm too scared because he's once said he was about to commit suicide before me and that he'd die if he ever lost me. -I like to piss him off and get mad when he keeps his patience and tries to make me feel better. -I've picked up my mother's spending habits. I've bounced three checks in one week. -When people give me their opinions, they become my own. Someone told me the only liked books with lots of dialogue and suddenly the same with me. Someone else got nauseous after eating applesauce because of how it felt in her mouth. It happens to me suddenly now too. -It is physically impossible for me to cry in front of another human being. -I don't know what happiness is. -I don't know HOW to be happy. -Sometimes I say "I love you" when I don't mean it. -Misery loves company.

I feel worried because I keep having dreams where I've been raped. Actually, in my dreams I'm BEING raped. Normal? Probably not. It's odd because I've never had sex. Though I have done other stuff but that's not the point. I also feel content. I think I want to marry him. I confronted him about my fears that he might be in love with his ex. He laughed, reassured me, and explained all of my concerns away. Now I'm a content little child in love. Sappy and pathetic? Yes, it very much is. But I suppose that's what makes life, these sappy and pathetic moments. He wanted to be able to take away all of my pain. I told him that I didn't want him to because I will only fall more in love with him when he holds me during my tearful times. I want to marry him now but we have to wait until after undergrad college. So we have to wait until 2010. It's going to be so hard but worth it ultimately.

Why do I always get cramps late at night when it's like pointless to take a midol for the one hour I'm gonna be left awake?

Is it too much to ask that my daddy at least like me more than he likes my own boyfriend?

I want to get married. I want a big wedding with the man of my dreams. I want the perfect dress, the right flowers, the people gasping at my beauty. I want it all. I want it now, with him. I want it to be possible at this age. ...We read to know we're not alone.

He's in.

I don't understand the appeal in drinking, smoking, and drugs. I honestly don't. My grandma smoked so much that she had the permanent oxygen tubes in her nose and had to take the tank with her everywhere she went. Like, what's so great about smoking? I can understand craving it once you become addicted. But why start in the first place? Same with drugs. My roommate smokes weed. Her friend likes to too. I don't get it. I mean, why would you want that kind of high? You can get so many better emotional highs just by being with the right people and having lots of fun. Why do it with pot? Drinking too. Everyone thinks I'm crazy for not being a huge college drinker. It's stupid though. If I'm upset, sure, sometimes I'll wanna drown the pain. But why go out with friends and crap to drink? I mean, find some other way to have fun. I have my other ways of having fun. Maybe I don't get to do it every weekend or with huge groups of people. But I like them and I don't wanna have to get drunk in order to express myself and get silly. I'd rather play stupid games with my friends. I just don't get the appeal. If someone wants to explain it, please do.

If you're "sick of all this high school drama bullshit" then don't start the bullshit in the first place. Don't go out with your best friend's ex. You wouldn't like if she dated yours. Don't be worse than high school and sink to middle school level by getting friends to gang up with you. YOU'RE the one that fucked up. You SHOULD be feeling bad and like shit. You shouldn't suddenly feel righteous and refuse to take other's shit because this you deserve to take. You brought it on yourself so grow up and deal with the consequences. You need to end your own high school drama bullshit because you're the one causing it. I wish I could say that to her. But then I'd be making my friend look like she's in the middle school level, just like her. Oh well. Why do friends try to get you mad at other friends just becuz they are mad at them? It really bothers me. People just need to stop bitching about every little fucking thing and get over it.

Dammit, I'm so in love and I can live with the annoyances!

I've been happy the last few days. Not sure why. But I have been so that's good.

Do these entries mean I'm suicidal?

I have this problem with needing to let people go in my life. It's scary though because some of them I've never really been without. I really just feel like leaving everything behind. Stop talking to my friends and get new screen names. Stop answering my phone and refuse to answer texts or voicemails. Break up with the boyfriend. Call my family periodically just to let them know that I'm alive. And spend the rest of my days with the new people I've met and will meet in the next few years. I'm tempted to go out drinking and just ignore all the pain going on around me. My life really isn't that bad though. I shouldn't be sitting here and moping because I have all that I wanted. I'm in college. I have spectacular roommates who like me and take care of me when I'm hurting. They do what they can and it helps. I have great friends at home too. Ones who pretend to have oddly-placed penises, pinch my butt, kiss my shoulder, and do the typical romance situation of running towards each other and hugging. I have a guy who totally loves me. Loves me more than I ever thought was possible for another person to care for me. But yet, for some reason, I just long to throw all of that away and start completely over. That's what I was gonna do in college. I was gonna be on my own but then I had to go get a boyfriend and now it's like I can't do that. Sometimes that's why I want to end it. Then I can start over for real. Not that I believe in reincarnation. But then I'd be in heaven with people who know me as the person that I'm striving to become but am so incredibly far from being. I never would kill myself. It seems so easy though. A car is a very powerful thing. It would be so easy to just swerve and hit those concrete columns. To swear it all away. But that would be terrible of me. The radio was talking the other day about railroad tracks and how people commit suicide on them. Train engineers have some of the worst memories ever of watching the person just stand there in the last moments of their lives. They can slow down, blast the horn, but they can never stop the train in time to save the person on the tracks. I could never give that much pain to someone else. Ever. That's why I could never end it. It would be so easy otherwise.

I seem to be all about the questions in this diary. This will probably be no different. As I was driving yesterday, I was looking at the bridges that I was driving under and wondering... wondering what it might be like to just let go of the wheel and crash into one. Whether I would live, die, be horribly hurt. Mostly wondering what people would do. I see the tears of the people that knew him. Or had seen him in the hall. I wonder if they'd do that for me. I wonder if I'd be happier afterwards. If I did ram my car into the concrete beams and survived, would it somehow make it better? Would it make them see me, accept me, or would they finally sever and let me go? Would it make me finally realize that I finally have the life I desired and that I should be happy with it? Or would it just cause more pain? And could I finally let go of the people I need to let go of? Looks like everyone's broken.