I have this problem with needing to let people go in my life. It's scary though because some of them I've never really been without. I really just feel like leaving everything behind. Stop talking to my friends and get new screen names. Stop answering my phone and refuse to answer texts or voicemails. Break up with the boyfriend. Call my family periodically just to let them know that I'm alive. And spend the rest of my days with the new people I've met and will meet in the next few years. I'm tempted to go out drinking and just ignore all the pain going on around me. My life really isn't that bad though. I shouldn't be sitting here and moping because I have all that I wanted. I'm in college. I have spectacular roommates who like me and take care of me when I'm hurting. They do what they can and it helps. I have great friends at home too. Ones who pretend to have oddly-placed penises, pinch my butt, kiss my shoulder, and do the typical romance situation of running towards each other and hugging. I have a guy who totally loves me. Loves me more than I ever thought was possible for another person to care for me. But yet, for some reason, I just long to throw all of that away and start completely over. That's what I was gonna do in college. I was gonna be on my own but then I had to go get a boyfriend and now it's like I can't do that. Sometimes that's why I want to end it. Then I can start over for real. Not that I believe in reincarnation. But then I'd be in heaven with people who know me as the person that I'm striving to become but am so incredibly far from being. I never would kill myself. It seems so easy though. A car is a very powerful thing. It would be so easy to just swerve and hit those concrete columns. To swear it all away. But that would be terrible of me. The radio was talking the other day about railroad tracks and how people commit suicide on them. Train engineers have some of the worst memories ever of watching the person just stand there in the last moments of their lives. They can slow down, blast the horn, but they can never stop the train in time to save the person on the tracks. I could never give that much pain to someone else. Ever. That's why I could never end it. It would be so easy otherwise.