there's bad memories and there's good memories mixed into this thing. but everything good i remember, everything bad: i don't want to remember. reading these entries makes me remember. i don't like who i was. i like who i am now. delete?

christmas is soon and i am very excited. words cannot describe my feelings on christmas. i hope my mom isn't all depressed about the lack of presents under the tree. like she is every year. we just don't really want items this year, just moeny for clothes. it'll be so amazing, i'm real excited for christmas. i think the quirk's will like their present. i think my mom and dad will as well. i hope kiefer likes his. i need something for jade, she really liked her birthday presents though. i want to get something for brandon, but i don't know what. so i think i've made my decision. and i made a new decision as well. the second is a poor and unhealthy choice, but i'm doing it anyway. so long. and happy christmas.

one glorious day until i am home. i am stoked. then show on saturday. not the best bands in the world, but i'm still real excited to be going. i haven't been to a show in about 75 months. my family is driving up today! they're leaving right now actually. they won't be here until weee hours of the night, but still yay!! then we drive on home. oh crap i need to pack. one more final then i am thruuuuu with this semester. yes. and with this gay roommate. home =)

i'm so happy to be going home that i'm even excited about the 10-11 hour drive home because i get to spend it with some of the people i love the most. i drew pictures today. i made a fairly awesome picture with crayons. i'm proud of it. i'm going to be happy to dye my hairs again. i have 2 almost 3 inch roots, ew. luckily my hair hides them well. i hope i can get my hair cut for christmas too. that would be a good present. i want a really neat and unique hair cut, something mildly crazy. and i'm hoping to find permanent blue and purple hair dye to put in my hair. all i've seen so far is the gay shiz that washes out of your hair and turns greyish. kiefer's going to hang out with me all week, i'm excited for that. i love blink-182. they made some b.a. songs in their time as a band. i'm contemplating something mildly serious and i don't know what my decision will be in the end. i guess i'll just decide when the time comes, see how this semester goes.

today is the 7th of december. we're already a week through december. it's amazing. 17 days left until the most fantastical day. 6 days left until i get to go home! i only have a math final wednesday, piece of cake- i am a math god now. and an english final that's a joke. it's a mechanics slash grammar final. wow.. really? college english and this is the easiest english final of my life. she's snoring again. girls shouldn't snore. i don't want to be mean, but it's because she's on the large side. and she breathes with her mouth open so the whole room smells like bad breath. i'm out of febreeze. just 6 days left of wearing earplugs. i'm really truely excited to go home. i need to start being serious, serious about college. i need to look at real universities and see which is best for me. i have no clue what school i want to transfer to.. i hate growing up.

christmas is nigh. [meaning near in time or place] i'm dreaming not of sugar plums dancing, but friends, family, and amazing adventures. i plan on teaching those n00bs how to properly tp, i have secrets. i'm excited for the frantic christmas feeling as i lay in bed on the 24th creeping into the weee hours of that oh-so-beloved day of the 25th. christmas day. a day for warm fuzzies, family, friends, pictures, memories, let downs, and surprises. a day filled with joy and laughter and toys of course. every single christmas eve we get to open one present. we know what that present is of course, but we're still excited about it. pajamas, always, and i love it. we model the jams and head to bed around 10, but never make it there until almost midnight of the last minute wrapping. there's always one room we're not aloud to enter on christmas eve night where my mom stays locked up until four in the morning wrapping everything up. i'm too excited to sleep, i'm too excited to quit smiling, but eventually i drift off into the best dreams ever- christmas eve dreams. every single christmas morning i am always the first awake. every single christmas morning i get up around five and i take a peak at the lighted tree with its bottom covered in presents. the most magnificant sight to behold. beautiful bags, boxes, bows, wrappings, lights, ornaments, trappings. i stare at the tree for a minute or two. i glance into the bedroom of my sister, still asleep. i glance into the bedroom of my parents, still asleep. i go back to my room knowing my mom has only been asleep for an hour. i try to sleep just a little longer, a little longer. i wake up at seven, there is no more a little longer, it has to be now. first i go to my sister's room. i jump on her bed. i beg her to get up. i tell her, "jade, it's christmas." she slowly gets up. i run to my parents room. i jump on their beds. they never notice. i shake each of them awake. they always say first, "what time is it?" i never answer, i don't care, it's christmas, time is now. i beg them to get up. they say, "where is your sister?" i run back to jade's room. she's still in her bed. at this point i start to freak out, i go a little crazy, christmas is now! it's finally here, and everyone is in bed! i don't understand it! i get jade up. we walk to the parents room. she lays on their bed, i beg everyone to get up. about a half an hour later i threaten to start without everyone. i go downstairs with christmas in my eyes. by the time i get down to the tree everyone comes out to the top of the stairs. they make their way down and they're going so slow i'm about to pee myself. i just can't understand why they don't feel the urgency i do, christmas is now! christmas is here! we all sit together under the tree and look up. it's the most beautiful thing i've ever seen.

i hate complaining about the same old poo, but there aren't too many things that seriously seriously make me upset. there are three things. only three that truely make me upset. it used to only be one, but since i moved up here i have more than doubled my list. alright i won't complain about the same old poo. just a matter of 12 days until i see my famiry. and two weeks until i get to see all my friends again. man i miss everyone. annnnnnnd only 23 beautiful days until christmas. i like being a big christmas freak.. alright homework ahoy!!

my ass hole of a room mate came in at 2:15 this morning, turned on the light, took her contacts out, and left again. i wake up at the slightest thing, and i've told her this many times. so i've been awake for the last hour praying that i will fall back to sleep. all attemps have been unsuccessful. i have a big day tomorrow that i would like to be alert for. it's not my fault that she never ever ever goes to class and stays out all night. why do i have to suffer through it? and today her big ass bitch of a friend britney, or as we call her, bitchney, came in at 8:30 this morning and woke up andrea and she got ready and then left at like 9:00 to go to the cafeteria. the whole time they were having conversations in normal voices. they couldn't even have the courtesy to whisper. and andrea was at the cafeteria from 9 this morning to 6 this evening.. how the hell do you spend all day in the cafeteria? wow.. she just came back again. it's 3:30. i hate my life. kill me. yes? fuck her!! god damn it i hate her so bad!! alright so she left again..to do god knows what. maybe take it up the ass again from the dick loser marcus that she's "in love with." writing this later: i was really upset when i wrote that last night.. i ended up falling asleep at 4:15, i don't know when she came back.

i'm real stoked becuase i get to go home in a wee bit over 2 weeks. work tomorrow, bleh. math test tomorrow, i'm kind of excited. i like math.. i'm weird. i think i picked all my classes for next semester. it's 17 credits total. idk if i can do it. but i'm going to try. they're pretty much all neat classes, but it's still school.. i won't like my history class though, yuck. i hate history. a lot. christmas is soon. i've gathered everything i need for quirk present. i got a piece of kiefers. i got my moms and my dads. i need to find something kool for my sister. she has been so so so nice to me lately. it's really awesome. so i'm going to try and find something real nice for her. i don't really know what yet. probably some neat scene clothes. hahah, no something awesome. she tells me like everyday that she misses me, it's real cute. sleeeeeeeeeeep now.

everywhere i go i always see puppies! it makes me so upset cuz i miss my puppies. but then i'm excited cuz i know i'll be home in 3 weeks. then i'm excited about when i get my own puppy! =))) it;s gona be so cute. aw i'm so excited. kiefer and i are going to have the cutest puppies ever ever ever!! puppies!!!!!!!!!!

so ten people showed up to the thanksgiving here at the dorms. wooo! [and two of them were the R.A.'s that cooked the fod for us.] hahah, no it was alright. at least it was mostly kids i can stand to be around. the conversation was alright as well. i;m too full. and i never really eat that much at thanksgiving. i don't eat that much at all actually. i think it's the day that gives you that stuffed feeling. the feeling just comes with the day. so now i'm going to watch a movie and work on my paper. happy thanksgiving everyone. i truely hope yours was better than mine. i hope it lasts longer too hahah. everyone was only there for an hour.. p.s. i'm really annoyed about this whole our phones aren't working very well thing. i'm not receiving any texts. and nobody is receiving mine. why?? why?! especially on a boring day like this! i need the texting!

i'm so upset. i went to the tattoo/piercing place today for the fourth try this week. they were finally open and we finally found the place. i went in, "hey i wanted to know if i could get my septum pierced."-me "jason! jason come here."-some guy "ya, what."-jason "she wants to get her septum pierced."-some guy "oh i don't do that.. you'll have to come in on saturday when cameron is working. he'll do it."-jason "oh.. ok what time?"-me "sometime after three."-jason "kthanks."-me dissapointed.

my english was canceled!! i'm so happy because i was so dreading going to it. and now i don't have to! kiefer is on the train right now. and i'm bummed because i won't be able to see him for two weekeds. but i'm also real excited for him because of what he's doing, he's so cute. he's surprising everyone. i wish i was there getting surprised right now. that's al kinds of awesome. styg in exactly one month! so exstatic! then christmas!

i'm very tired all the time now. and my body still hurts. k not really my body, but my feet, butt, back, and now my finger cuz i burned it. oh and the vagina cuz of the cramps. i keep falling asleep right before it's bed time. then i'm not too tired when i need to go to sleep. exactly one month until i'm home! just one! i'm so excited! yay! and i don't really have any fianls! oh i'm excited. home!!! ventura!! christmas!! real stoked.

my room is so quiet now that it's uncomfortable. i turn on the tv just so there's noise in here. i miss kiefer in here. he's real noisy hahah. so is the tv. hahah. ok that's mean. i like his noisy-ness. "all this talk about eye gouging has gotten me all frisky. really, there's about a half a pack of rolaids in my diaper." -stewy.

i pretty pissed because of my body. it huuuuurtss. in places it shouldn't. and i'm on the period which doesn't hurt, but it's very annoying. one month!! only one until i get to go home!! and play with everyone!! it's 30 days away! then i'm home for 40 days! ahhhh amazing. and christmasssssss!!!!!!! yes i'm stokeddd. except i need to start working on everyone's presents. i know what everyone is getting, i just need to jump on it. i can never remember the place with the jolly jumps, what's it's name!? i did it once, i remembered. but now, nothing. i'm seriously procrastinating on my homework..

oih goshg kz i'm so excited for this weekend now!! four day weekend!! (no school monday, but also i don't have friday classes!!) so thursday after class i'm going to kiefer's, spend the night, have fun, then friday he's coming over here and he's not leaving until monday!! wooo! big plus: my room mate is "sick" and she went back home for three weeks, so room to myself!! yussssssssssss. have a fantastical weekend. =)

time for some honey nut cheerios! oh how i've missed you, you delicious tasty treat. with your honey nut goodness. mmmmm. so happy. this is definitely one of my comfort foods. and i also had a peanut butter and jelly sangwhich earlier, mmm missed that too. grocery shopping blows, but it blows far less than cafeteria food all day, everyday. =) beginning of the weekend sucked hairy balls--- went to the emergency room because my faggot room mate got alcohol poisoning. but the end was fantastical--- got to hang out with baby all weekend, played pool, watched batman [my favorite one, with catwoman and michael keaton as batman (he's the best batman by far)], watched saturday night live for the first time since i've been here, shower =), watched betelguise [it was a michael keaton weekend], and watched who framed roger rabbit. have to go read the kite runner now.

i actually went to sleep early last night. i was happy to be tired at 11:30 instead of at 2:00. but what happens to me at 4:30 in the morning? i wake to the sounds of someone banging against my door, pressing random keys on the key pad to get in. who is it? off her ass, piss faced, drunk andrea accompanied, of course, by the always wonderful marcus. they were yelling at each other in that drunken way, they were fumbling loudly all over the room, and they were being so obnoxious. she kept asking him to kiss her and she wanted him to stay with her in the room. they thought that kiefer was here with me, so they didn't come close. then once they saw that he wasn't-- marcus came over to my bed to try and wake me up. i was already awake, how could i not be, but i didn't want to take part in anything that was going on, so i pretended to be asleep. i didn't want to have to be the one to take care of her. so marcus was yelling my name trying to wake me up. i was so scared, i didn't want him touching me. i grabbed the covers as hard as i could in my fist and tried to look asleep. i had gone to sleep with two jackets on, a thermal, a tank top, and my jeans because i was so cold. and around 2 in the morning i woke up because i was so hot and i stripped down to my chonies and the tank top. so then he came right next to me and was shaking me trying to wake me up- i had to act awake at this point. i was so scared that he was gona take my covers off to try to wake me up. he asked me to take care of her. i said, "no fucking way, it was her decision to do that." and he was like, "do you want her death in your hands?!" and i said, "sure." then he laughed and was stroking my hair telling me that i was harsh. i freaked out, freaked out at that point. i couldn't move, i was like an animal playing dead so that the predator will go away. andrea was being a drunken retard on her side of the room and she drew his attention over there luckily. he finally left at 5:00 after making her lay in bed. after he left she was yelling after him for half an hour. she was yelling, "can someone come take advantage of me please? i'm so drunk right now. the code to get in is 25432. someone come take advantage of me." then she was in the bathroom for a half an hour throwing up. ugh..the retching and the sound hitting the toilet was horrible. i was singing in my head and i had the blanket over my ears trying not to hear. i was so mad at the entire situation i almost cried. she finally got in bed and was talking to herself for the longest time. then she was snoring loudly and i knew she was asleep at last. i finally went to sleep around 6:00 or 6:30. that was the worst night.

new month. new life. [sort of..] so i've been serious-ish about school, but i for sure haven't been trying my hardest. i have hugely slacked in the past two weeks and i feel real awful about it. so since it's a new month and all, and since the semester is over in a month and half exactly- i've decided to be super serious about this lame school business. sure it's boring, but most things in life that you don't want to do are. i'm doing real well in math 98% on my first exam and 92% on the second. next one is on thursday, so i hope to get another A. psych i'm not doing good at all. my teacher is awesome, real neat black man, but the way he teaches is so boring. so boring i have to have an argument with myself over if i'm gona go to class or not. we do the same thing every class, so boring. the papers we have to write every week really get to me, i hate doing them. like i STRUGGLE when it comes to those. but all the other papers we have to do that aren't the weekly ones i get A's on, so hopefully that helps. plus my attendance is good, so i hope that helps. and english it looks like i'm doing horribly. like i freaked out when my teacher showed me my grade. but turns out she hadn't been recording my scores in her book. she was grading my shit and passing it back to me, but not writing it down. she's one of THOSE teachers hahah. i guess she did with a few other kids too. but ya, i mostly get A's and B's on assignments in that class. except my huuuuuge paper i did, an ad analysis, i was so proud of that paper, i thought i did so wel on it, and i turned everything in right [most kids didn't], and i did everything properly, i felt real good about it, other kids in the class who read my paper were all impressed and they liked it, but i got a C- on it.. 72%. i felt so horrible when i got my paper back. ek. work is going well tho. i've made closer friends with all my fellow employees. even tho they smoke the weed, they're still pretty neat. one girl, roxie, is really nice and respects who i am. i made her halloween costume for her and she really liked it, that boosted my ego hahah. and all night she kept pointing back to me and telling people that i made it. felt good. she was puss in boots. it was cute. alright this thing is too long.