I haven't updated in a while. I know. I've just been so busy, and my computer like had a virus in it or something, and I think it still might, But it got a little better than before. umm.. Lately it's what I breath. It gets all up into my mind and I don't know what to do. I feel so confussed and I know I'm just being used. But it feels so wonderful to be wanted like that. It feels like someone is actually fufilling what I wanted for once. Because afterall I did agree to this arangement. Just now, I guess I want more than what I'm getting out of it. Is there such thing a commitment here. Or is it all just fake, and a time waster. Something to ease the pain and pleasure while in use. I don't know, I don't know how, I don't know why, but it makes me let go and let loose. ♥

What could possibly be new with me? I had a weird ass dream about Ashton about a week ago or something like that. It kind of freaked me out a little. I know I said I would never eat at the Ruby Tuesdays by my house, but last night I finally broke down and ate there for dinner. It wasn't that bad, it just made me think a lot and I didn't like that. Thinking like that is always a bad sign. _____________________________________________ umm .. what a 'd r e a m' I had last night. interesting as it was .. there's just s o m e t h i n g missing from it. I don't know. I'm just s o i n c r e d i b l e y confussed somehow it doesn't all make sense to me the whole time. ♥

I think this is the perfect oppurtunity to say that I'm confussed. This whole thing that I got myself into, I didn't exactly picture it as ending in this way. I don't know maybe I was just expecting w a y too much, out of something where the possibilities were very little. I hate it when I do that! I'm not hurt .. I'm just dissapointed. _____________________________________________ I just wanted to take a chance that's all, I want my fun side back. And I don't want to be the dull little girl that's always trying to stay out of trouble. I want to be my old self again, I had more fun then. I don't know. I know that a lot of people would totally dissagree with everything I just said in the past paragraph; but I'm just confussed.

My old layout for this diary got umm .. old and it was so like .. b l a c k and w h i t e .. you know? I need some color in my life! So I re-did it. And if you want some places to go for layouts I'll give you two. And I NEVER do this because I'm selfish and I don't like to share my layout sources with anyone .. but 1. whateverlife.com 2. xanga.com/tres_superb_lyts okay well I'm out for now .. I'm gonna redo my myspace .. and to add me for myspace my link is .. www.myspace.com/a_walk_in_my_pink_sandals ♥LAURA

Lets be bland and have a good time I'm gonna tell you a story and with my luck it just might rhyme Last night was something different I don't know just how to tell it but I might as well try because last night I had a pretty good time lets hear those noises get louder I think it's a one night rounder lets hear the bed posts jumping I can hear your heart thumping Lets keep the volume down in hear there's people near so just shhh .. this is between you and me this will be secret number three

Tonight wasn't a very good night .. my Papa Lenny is in the hospital because of a heart attack; and they took him off life support. I came home alone because I was tired and I needed to take a shower and stuff. But THE KiD decided other wise .. So I shared a little bit of hospitality for about 5 minutes; nothing happened. I wasn't in the mood for fun and games .. just expired P0P TARTS! But tonight might come as a shocker ..

I'm not saying that I waited up, because I didn't. I just couldn't fall asleep because I was the adrenalyn was pumping in my body. But of coarse, just like I predicted.. he was a no show I'm not too dissapointed; I just wanted to have some fun. But there are always different nights, and better times. ____________________________________________ I showed up at school today. I tried to see if he treats her the same way as he did me. I didn't get to see anything. Didn't get to compare their relationship to my past one. he was a no show; and same with her I guess it's better that way; I had one less day of having to experience the humility, and go through the torture of whittenising them in action. Maybe this day saved me, and gave me one more day of relief from that horid sight. Of what was once mine; and is now hers. And I am nothing apart of anymore. _____________________________________________ If you haven't notice which I'm sure you haven't; I'm in a very poetic mood tonight. I don't know why. I'm just kind of .. I don't know .. missing the old days where I would sit at the desk in the corner of my room writing in my composition book of my poetry. You could have mistaken me as a suicidal or a goth back then. There's nothing wrong with that. But sometimes I wonder if my personality on the inside matches the one I have on the outside. And my body figure. Maybe I'm supposed to be someone else? To much thought? I think so too. _____________________________________________ REMEMBER LITTLE LADY THERE'S ALWAYS T0NIGHT _____________________________________________

0kay he is now going out with her It's not like I like him or anything; so why does this come as such a big deal to me? I don't understand this! We are absolutely nothing anymore not friends not a couple not anything He wants me totally out of his life, and he doesn't want to have to deal with me at all. And I would rather not have to deal with him either. So I don't see why this is such a big deal to me. What's up with me? I don't want him, I don't like him, I don't even really want to be his friend. It would have been nice, but it's never gonna happen anyways. UGH! This whole situation just bothers me!

Well all of that confussion I was having before, I'm done with. It would never work again. When things end, they end for a reason. And I think that I'm okay with it now. But I think that I might like someone .. I'm not sure. And it's not Jordan, or Ashton. So that's the good news.

WELL I THINK IT'S 0KAY F0R ME T0 SAY THAT I'M 0VER ASHT0N C0MPLETELY Things are just so weird now between me and him, it's not like how in normal [ex]relationships it would be akward to be around that one person .. in ours we're like fighting like a married couple about to get a divorce. At first it was all me and I was being gay to him because the truth is: I still kind of liked him and I wanted to hate him so I'd stop. But now that I'm trying to be nicer he's getting to be more mean to me than EVER! Just some things that he does and says it's just gay. I mean we're not friends like at all and I don't know .. sometimes just sometimes I kind of want to be his friend like before we ever went out and before the school year even started; like durring the summer. I don't know .. but sometimes it feels like it's too late to just be normal friends. I mean it will be three months, in five days, since we broke up. [I remeber lots of dates/times/numbers] Don't you think that things would get back to normal by now? Whatever .. But honestly the way I feel about the whole Ashton situation .. When we first went out we liked eachother so much, and if you analyze it deeply sometimes you can even start to think it could have been something like love. And we were always together, and we were so close to eachother until the very end when I had to go and sqrew it up. And then after that we were still friends I guess you can say. And then as time went on we started to fight more and more But the part that I don't understand is how could two people that seemed to have liked eachother so much - end up like this? Was it all just fake, or is this all fake? Somewhere in between there someone turned into a phonie..

umm .. Laura + Ashton = happiness and luv .. yeah! Laura & Ashton - Ashton = tears .. saddness.. missery .. and all that junk .. - i think i'll go anti-love .. butterflies in the tummy and hearts skipping beats .. that can't be safe

i'm deffinately one lovesick little girlie!! -- i'm supposed to be headding off to the movies right now but -- umm i'll leave in 5 min. hehe . Well time has been going pretty slow lately -- ever since the break up! Nothing has been going right .. i miss Ashton like a fat kidd misses cake on a diet! it's horrible!! i wanted him to come to the movies tonight with us (me and my shadow) and i think that he was actually going to .. but his dad made reservations for dinner -- at the best resteraunt ever!! .. well i'm still living -- and homecomming is still going 0CT 15 -- i think it'll be way better by then !! hopefully we can work this all out over the weekend -- but i won't beable to see him so i don't know how that'll work!?! I don't know! I'm so confussed lately -- all i know for sure about is .. that i want Michael Ashton!! --She ignores all the other guys who want her because she's too busy noticing him Laura Monique

P0SSiBLE PR0BLEM well Ashton told me today that his parents just told him he might not be her the weekend of Homecomming! they might be in Alabama for the stupid Auburn game!!! BUT .. they thing it might actually be the weekend before homecomming weekend -- and if it is (hopefully it is!) then there is ABSOLUTELY no problem there! BUT if it ends up being the weekend 0F then i'm not going to go to homecomming -- which will really suck! LiKE TO AN ABSOLUTE EXTREME!! and not to mention i can't even find a flipping dress! -- cause these are the m.o.m.e.n.t.s these are the times lets make the best out of our -->lives

well last night's party was really funn! but yeah -- a lil too much .. Ashton is now deciding weather or not he is madd at me. he went to football and like 5 guys told him he should break up with me! i'm so scared about what he's gonna do about all this. I really don't want him to break up with me!! i didn't know what i was doing .. and then when i did i felt HORRiBLE! --i'll be missing you when i see you smiling .. and i'm not the reason

hmm -- well RITE NOW AT THIS VERY MOMENT -- i'm in a cutsey mood!! No school tomorrow so yeah -- i want Ashton to come over my casa but i don't think he's going to -- he's TOO cool for that .. anyways yeah -- i'm BORED and NO ONE leaves me f*ing comments! -- any other boy's lap doesn't feel as right and as conferting as yours

Well the movies was great -- then at the very end Dereck opened up his mouth and said something about Ashton moving. So then i had to know what it was .. So then Ashton told me that his parents were talking and they might want to move back to Alabama at the end of FRESHMEN year! So that deffinately limits the time that i could possibly have, or not have with him. Then so i thought about it for a while after that .. like when they both left and on my way home and stuff -- and i'm really afriad that 1. this might actually last that long and then what i just forget about him 2. i'm afraid that i'm gonna get too attached to Ashton because i'm already starting to 3. i'm afraid that i'm not gonna just beable to let go of him like that so i tried to end it now before that all had time to happen . but he wouldn't exactly let me -- dR0P A hEARt bREAk A NAME

0h GARSh! Ashy asked me to homecomming yesterday! --------------------- x3 We were on the bus ride to school -- and then i l00ked at him and he was taking off his polo shirt (but it was nothing unusual cuz he does it EVERY morning) then i l00ked at L0l0 then back at him -- and i saw his shirt and it said "H0MECOMMING?" SO -- then i couldn't even say yes .. i was laughing so much .. i almost cried .. and i was so happy!! but of coarse i eventually got to say YES! hah! it was the best .. then in second hour a balloon was delivered to me (i was in ALGEbRA) and it said "i L0VE Y0U" and it was a red heart!! from Ashton! -- and then i remembered how he kicked me out of the balloon room that morning !! And then i was with him after he did striders at f00tball practice -- 0MG!! so flipping hott !! we were together like for .. EVER .. and he didn't have his shirt on!! Then the F00tbALL GAME!! -- the memories lie in the the dugout

Tomorrow is mine and Ashton's 1 month anniversery!! .. it's special to me because i've never actually gotten the chance to celebrate an anniversery.. i've only had two before this. - Michael Y & - Steven they both either went totally wrong a day before .. or we were basically NOT talking durring them! so this one is special! i really like him -- like a lot -- and i think it's safe to say that i'm over what ever was happening before .. me and Mr. Raisin are just friends now .. and i can deal with it -- i won't risk anything like that .. Ashton's too good to me well can't wait till tomorrow!! -- do me a favor .. and don't love me if your not supposed to

- - - on the phone with my fLiPPiN l0ver!! .. i'll write more with this later -- i have to get busy! mommy's yelling at me - d0N't WAiStE Y0U'R tiME EAtiNG - x3

i LikE hiM a lot i PR0MiSE!! but i just don't know if it's right! Because if it's totally right and we're meant to be with eachother -- why would i be thinking of .. him?? MR. RAiSiN Why would i be having any doubts -- or complaining -- or unsatisfaction over the stupidest things i could possibly find! i dUNN0! i'M S0 C0NfUSS3d!i! -- kiSS3S iN thE hALLWAY d0N't hELP ANY0NE