we are so close to breaking up &i just want to die. ive never been happier than i am when im with you. if i could change what i did i would. in a heartbeat. i wish someone would kill me. because im not strong enough to do it myself. i messed up. im sorry. youre too good to/for me and i know it. random statements strungout. it doesnt make sense. &neither does what im thinking. insane.

i just love it how you talk shit, and still expect people to be friends with you. :)

so i havent been around here in awhile. time for an update? most likely no, but let's cut to the chase. im not longer who i thought i was. which, is not bad. i realize now, how much more i could be. im quite comfortable with everything. from grounded, to myself, to everyone else. highschool is not everything. neither are the people that ''hate'' me. Frankly, i honestly gave up on them. i dont hope they die. i dont wish them bad luck. i just dont care. hopefully they can realize one day, how childish we BOTH have been. And whether we are ever friends or not, doesnt really matter anymore. im happy with this. new years resolution? quit smoking. i'll do it.

ohgod. im falling too fast. i dont think anyone can catch me now. i need to write. really. butlater.

so someone asked for an update. ;alsdkfj things are good, i suppose. other than my uncle passing, Christmas was good. Josh is wonderful. +i dont care if you think we wont make it. he's worth it. +you sure as hell dont know him like i do. mm. newfriends, oldfriends, bf, enemies, and family. dont fuck this up, thanks. &&&&&idc. take me into the sun. we'll burn together. forget the past, remember the future. we're making history. take my hand. run with me. we wont stop. not here, and not now. we'll be at the finish line waiting. you wont catch up to us. we're faster than you think. (C)

getting in trouble was worth it. i love my friends. thankyou.

so im talking to marissa. and i dont know what is going on here. we arent friends. but we are able to talk without yelling at eachother. improvement. curtis is a good listener. +nice. ♥ gah. everything is good. im writing again. and its ew. but whatever. He was killed. She read the words he never saw. Bound by them, she gradually concluded the end. The end. As for now, his deadeyes compliment the shattered tile. from cream to wine-red, the bathroom floor takes on a new illustration. there's nothing left now. fresh skin underneath her fingernails makes this reality. Imitationglass replicates her every move. crying. the smiles are concealed, but I know. I know. walk away, contradicting girl perish beneath the leaves, go now. they will never comprend your meaning of this. the trace of artificial love. leave him here. tiny girl. fragile, brittle. Did he try to tear you, little girl? You did it. guilty. you did it. Forever boundless. They'll never know. Forever gone. Never. Forever hidden. to the end, we'll know. (c) Needles and Thread Either shut the damn door, or tear it off the hinges. One way or the other, some one’s going to die. I want to show you something. Getting the nerve to stitch up my face once more; The pattern is more lovely than ever. The art is yours, darling. With so many unspoken words, and no beginning. A rejected conclusion. Breaking the silence, “You sew up beautifully, Baby” Hearing you, but not wanting to. I don’t want you here. Throw me up against that wall. If you don’t do it, I’ll do it myself. I know you want to. I’ll become the finest tailor. Sewing, stitching. My impeccable needlework in front of your eyes makes you proud to be a man. Calm down. Don’t go too far. I’m no surgeon. (c) yeah, i dont care if they suckfuckingass. only i know what they mean, and thats all i care about.

like i said before, pathetic people; i feel sorry for them. update about my dad's and things later. now; time for school.

haha. yeah, OKAY. ohgod. today was awesome. pretty much the whole day. Comming home from school felt like it took forever. I noticed I forgot my key, so I went to Kae's. At first, going over there wasn't what I really wanted to do, although now I'm glad I'm forgetful. Making cookies, eating burned flat cookies, playing in the snow with 3924839847layers on, and going on a car ride was pretty much the most fun I've had in a while. It might not sound that exciting, but you have NO idea. Burger King [aka: bryan kinney] was supposed to come over after school, but due to the snow and me being locked out, I wasn't able to call him. We are most likely going to hangout this weekend. GAH. Mike finally got it that I'm not looking to have a relationship with him. I'm starting things over. With who I am, what I am. Everything. New friends, New people, New me. I honestly don't care about pathetic people anymore. I feel sorry for them, and that's where all feeling ends. I'm done with you. love, hilary.

haha. are you really that insecure about yourself? ohgod. i love it when you think you hurt me. im happy with me, and you WONT ever change that. how long did it take you to leave me that many comments about how you hate me? get a life. honestly.

the concert was fucking awesome. i met cathy's levi. and some girl. the first band was annoying.-bilogy. classic case was good; better than i thought they were going to be. crazy. From Autumn to Ashes was fucking amazing. [i got a couple winks and smiles from the guitarist. :) and he gave me his guitarpick. ] omfg. ♥ emery was pretty good. during the their 2nd song, some kid accidentally stuck me in my nose with his elbow. it fucking hurt, and it was bleeding. i decided it wasnt bad enough to leave. the singer gave me his bottle of water. fuckyes. kaela and i had pretty much the best spots. right by the speaker, but right infront of the stage. after the show, ian found me. we went and talked to ryan and tyler. it was cool. as we left ian went to hug me. :) i didnt think anything of it until he kissed me. man. ♥ im so sore. and i have so many bruises. but it was all worth it. i dont know what is going on with me and anyone anymore. mike- wtf? who knows. he acts like we go out, yet we dont, and i dont know if i really want to. ian- he's really fucking cool. and sweet. and i still dont know. and then, there's someone new, he was in success this morning, like everyother, and i was so tired. no makeup, my hurr wasnt did, and he told me i looked so cute. aw. i didnt know what to say back. godddd. im quitting smoking. seriously. slowly but surely. parties tonight. i have to figure out plans. meg. wants me to hangout. ryann wants me to hangout. ian wants me to hangout. and so do someothers. im not sure yet. [thank you for fucking nothing.] :)

Everything is so boring right now. the same routine each day. same people. same conversations. i need a change; seriously. tomorrow is november 30th. and ive already cried more than once. i hate this if we would've played the cards right; tomorrow'd be a year. everything's changed so much from where we started. in love to hate to just friends. we've both grown as people, for better or worse. And now it feels like i dont even know you any more. i fell so hard. [i will always remember;; i hope you never forget] i hate memories like this. fuckkkk; i hate the way you are.

I broke things off with derrick. I guess he wants to get back together maybe in the future. ryann and mitch stopped by last night. ha. goodtimes. later, its gonna be a me and sarah day. [old times] its going to be fucking awesome. ryanns going to come over ♥ god. i have no idea.

yeah. this is really gay. and i hate it. i dont know what's going on with derrick. it seems like lately getting high is more important than anything to him. and that really fucking bothers me. i dont want to cut off his life, and make it so he has no friends and nothing to do other than hangout with me, but i do want to actually feel like im in his life. i dont even fucking know. the friends? dustan is really nice. its getting to me. ?he licked my cheek today? go figure. mikecollins and i are supposed to hangoutsoon. asfriends. dont get any ideas, kids. mitch and i are able to talk to eachother with out the akwardness now its nice. can you believe thats it has almost been a year? me and mitch. holyfckingshit. this really brings back memories. a lot of them good. bad. funny. everything. all of the firsts, all of the lasts. jesus. i dont want to think about this. i dont know what im going to do about the derrick situation. i couldnt live with myself if i broke up with him over something this stupid. but i dont know. i really thought this was going to work. well, here's to the snow, the cold, th leaves, the food, and the friends. i love this;; fall.

mm. everything is finally back to normal. and i'm loving everminute of it. sarah + me = stillfriends. and it will always be that way. i havent been getting sleep much. but that is doing just fine. for now anyways. i have pictures of me and derrick. mmmm. i think im actually bored enough to post. [some are of nights before durk came over] fake smile? kaela came over, before it got bad. im glad i stopped before i really did anything. there was blood on my finger, and when i went to whipe tears away, this happened. i tried so hard not to laugh. he always makes me laugh. and here my gay bf is attempting to pick my nose. ohhhman. sosad. to sohappy. all in a matter of days. i'm fucking insane. [but this time, it's a goodway.]

i love fall. he told me he loves me. and i believe it. im fucking terrified. kaela and i had one of our serious, down to earth talks tonight, and it was nice. i guess the whole me and derrick thing was much simpler than i made it seem. i want kaela to be happy so much, but there's not much i can honestly do. except be a friend. a sister. a bestfriend. ryan's thinking of killing himself. and im about to throw up jsut thinking about it. i can honestly talk to him about anything. and it scares me because we hardly know eachother. this year, ive become more and more reserved. i dont talk to anyone anymore. im not as, i guess you could say, friendly, anymore. i only talk to those who are close to me. i used to be friends with everyone. literally, everyone. and now. no one. kaela. derrick. allyson. erika. in that order. i dont want more friends. they're all i'll ever need. sitdiary makes me depressed. so im leaving. goodnight.