i love fall. he told me he loves me. and i believe it. im fucking terrified. kaela and i had one of our serious, down to earth talks tonight, and it was nice. i guess the whole me and derrick thing was much simpler than i made it seem. i want kaela to be happy so much, but there's not much i can honestly do. except be a friend. a sister. a bestfriend. ryan's thinking of killing himself. and im about to throw up jsut thinking about it. i can honestly talk to him about anything. and it scares me because we hardly know eachother. this year, ive become more and more reserved. i dont talk to anyone anymore. im not as, i guess you could say, friendly, anymore. i only talk to those who are close to me. i used to be friends with everyone. literally, everyone. and now. no one. kaela. derrick. allyson. erika. in that order. i dont want more friends. they're all i'll ever need. sitdiary makes me depressed. so im leaving. goodnight.