Okay. I love this. No one is probably ever gonna read this and i still get to get my thoughts out in the open. So i feel like this whole thing with Ron is just one big mistake. I wish it had never happened. I mean nothing good has really come out of it. It's like the onlything keeping everything togethr was that I was willing to do anything to keep his attention. Just another case of me being an attention whore ofr lack of a better term. But still, I never really realized what was happening. It's not that Jade didnt point it out to me, it's just that I didnt want to see it. I feel ignorant and kinda stupid at the same time. Jeez. I hate myself so intensly. Which sounds weird, but honestly I couldn't care less. He said we're friends with benefits. That's like the one thing that I didnt want to be. Becuase it just means that you get the benefits of a relationship without the commitment. I mean, so much for friends. He didnt even tell me he was leaving. The first time he left for Ohio he didnt tell me. And now he's gone AGAIN and didnt tell me. I mean. I always tell my friends where I'm going, just out of curtosy [sp!] but anyway. I hate this whole situation. More than anything. I dont think I know what it is, but it's giving me this intense loathing feeling. Like when you've been taken advantage of or been lied to.I think that's kinda what it was. I allowed myself to believe in something that probably wasn't even there. I never meant to feel the way i did about him. Then when he said "i love you" it just made things worse. I believed it. But of course none of this was real to him. It was just a lie. Something on the side. It was never going to become anything and he knew it, but he never let me believe it. So here I am realizing that this whole thing has been a lie and i feel terrible. I was going to sacrifce so much to be with him. I dont know why. I would have and could have easily made one of THE biggest mistakes ever. I just cant believe taht I could have been so stupid. I was willing to leave my school, my friends that mean the world to me, and everything that i've known since 7th grade behind and start over at teh bottom of the food chain at a new school in a new home, EVERYTHING. just for him.What was I thinking? He's not important to me. && one reason writing all of this is so important is because I will need a reminder so that I dont make the same mistake twice.I dont want him to come backa nd to have all those feelings rush back. I need to remember how i feel know. Because these are real, raw, and honest.This is how I really feel about him. And honestly he couldn't say anything right now that would make any of this any better. It feels bad, like I feel like he doesn't respect me. And he doesnt care enough about me. I mean he didnt even tell me he was leaving. Not that I expect him to, he doesnt owe me anything. But just out of consideration for the other person. AHHHHHHH. i hate it so much. jeez. i think i feel like crying myself to sleep. Or maybe im just tired. But I hate this so much. Damn Conformists.