well nothing new has happned. still a little home sick. i just feel out of place no one ever to call when im home alone to go do something. i have to depend on andrew to go do anything with anyone... which my life is alot more empty then his with out having started school yet. but hopfully as of tomorrow that will as of tomorrow that will have ass changed. if i ever get the money i will move back home and have a place there... which would be wonderful to be back around all my friends. maybe i should try harder to make my own set of friends but its just not easy

yes i have almost forgotten about you diary. i dont even know what to put in here anymore. i realized today that maybe ive never let someone really hurt me but in reality ive been hurt over and over. but i dont know what. or even how to change it. maybe im just dirty and cant hold onto anything. or maybe because with each new bed its a whole new adventure. so may good and bad things to both sides. yet ive only experienced one. ive always been the slut since 8th grade i was the bad girl. and i always though it rocked. but maybe it dosnt. im not saying im over all of it but at least some. idk somethings is probably gonna change and maybe soon who knows. maybe it will all just stay the same.

boy o boy ive recently realized ive only got two friends in my whole school and everyone else has something aginst me. im to loud to much or a druggie to sluty to happy too everything there not. ive also realized how much better i am then them no matter how consided that sounds i believe it. i talk to other people at school and when they tell me that all they did last weekend was go to a movie and dinner with a few friends i want to laugh i never have a day or a min with out something to do something awesome even if its just catching up with the friends who are home from college (which means blazing thoes stoners) or another kick back at robs or angles and maybe even a huge party that always gets broken up at 9 i love all of it. i dont know what this entry is about i think its mostly just to let myself know how much i love who i am no matter who tells me im wrong.

lol so i guess people hated my last entry... so what... i honstly like the way i am and im sure im not gonna die. everything seems to be goind my way. latly ive realized how important my friends are to me... i dont know if someone could have friends that mean this much to them. everything they do makes me happy... today this guy jessie asked me what would hurt me the most to lose and i thought about it for a long time and then decided it would be my friends because family means nothing to me.

realize if you read this and you know me... its a secret... That means you Andrew dont tell are group about the shit im about to write... So ive been thinking about my life latly and its been kind of of nuts in just over two weeks i have four insane stories the first one is when me and Kristin take just about everything in her medicine cabinet and then go watch her brother smoke heroin she starts to hallucinate doesn’t know who i am doesn’t know who her mother is sees people that aren’t there faints wakes up the next day and doesn’t remember any of it then that weekend we hippy flipped which is taking shrooms and e at the same time.... its is the most insane and instance thing ive ever done but it was also the most wonderful then on Monday i got taken away in an ambulance because someone called the cops on me for being drunk then wed me and Kristen decided we would see how crazy we could get off of coke at one time so we ended up doing a gram in like 3 hours then my nose both holes at once burst out in blood and then one of kristins start bleeding so we decide the most sensible thing to go do is go up stairs and watch her brother smoke heroin.... there were many small stoner seshions in between and a few small coke gather gautherings but thoes were the most exciting.

so i feel stood up... and they have excuses but i dont feel like listening i want to stay mad at someone for runining my day. i always give in when someone tells me there excuse and i bet most of the time its bull shit... i bet i was just forgotten about i was grounded this weekend begged and begged to be let out tonight just for a little. finally got the ok got ready for an houre and then waited for them to call called them no answer then 4 hours later they tell me some excuse! i dont want an excuse i want my 5 hours back! the 1 for getting ready and the 4 of waiting.... but i cant get that... and then (of course) they get annoyed that im mad at them... i think they should just be sorry is this being bitchy? i hope not because im sick of people walking all over me!

i honestly feel alone.... i know it sounds stupid but the only person around that i love im not aloud to see i have to sneak around and constantly get in trouble for it.... everyone else seems to talk bad about me... i dont care if i bring it on or if its true just why dose it have to happen... this is kind of coming from me finding out that when i dont go to youth group someone i really love goes and talks bad about me to my little sister... so at church and my little sister... dose that really need to happen? But thats not the only time its just one of the upsetting ones... i dont get it im fucking alone now i used to have everything figured out. who the hell knows im just sick of it. im sick of feeling like i only have one person to watch my back and everyone else is trying to stab it. I need people to back off for a while just let me be. i dont even hang out with anyone from canyon so why dose it matter?!?!? God damn it i wish i had a real journal but my mom kind of fucked that one up.

5 day binge...... feeling like im the best person alive...... thinking im unstopable... losing 5 lbs in 4 days.... depressing comedowns.... horrable headachs.... over $100 in a week... i dont know why i do this to myself but im many many ways i love it... and for some reason... i keep doing it picking up tomorrow

so schools started.... damn... swimming sucks because my lungs are shit! homecomming is almost here... well kinda its in three weeks i have aboy in mind who i want to ask me but... who knows

ok so life is def good i just have to play my cards right... kinda got caught agan for partying... well nto exactly but close im not sure what gonna happen with that tomorrow and its sad because if i get more shit for it... it wont be worth it.. well next week school starts and i get to have the easyest classes EVER! i only have three hard classes so for once im nto dredding going back... not looking forward to it but its not bad... i think thats all good night

forget it... this is so my emo journal but o well i have three one is aloud to always be sad... people dont understand drugs dont control me at all there jsut an addition to my life i just sometimes hate how i have to kee part of my life a secret from my close friends.

i feel full of emotions... you know that rush when you shake your hair back and forth for a while... it dosnt make since we are the weaker half of all man, there are more of us because we are expendable, we dont matter, we can be used and left. this entry isnt even about me... im writing it only because of someone else’s journal entry on a different web sight and it made me realize what pieces of shit we really are and that we really dont have value... fuck the world… I know my entries have sounded super emo but this is the only place I vent and no one reads this anyway so why not put it all out there.

My last entry i was sad and i felt used and stood up but I'm complety over it. i mean i act like no one new will come along and like its super hard to find people but theres a good amount of partys this weekend and theres a good chance of finding a hot guy to hook up with jsut to get that last one off my mind. bla being stupid and getting upset about things just complacates life. so we will see what happens this weekend but i cant say im not super excited for it!

do you know how bad rejection feels... even worse when you thought things were perfect... i think ive just been stood up and i dont even know why... this seems to always happen to me and it only happens when its with someone i really want... why do i have such bad luck or do u just throw myself at the worst guys?

not really cute, not to smart, nothing super special... but hes been a friend of mine for a long time and somehow i seem to have a crush on him and i shouldnt... how do you let a friend know you kinda have a crush on them and becides that were way different...

ive changed my mind about my hole last entry my mother has made mistakes but i dont think i have anyright to still hold them aginst her it dosnt make sience to not forgive someone who has done everthing in there power to get better... i just wish she treated me better

maybe if you didnt start drinking maybe if you didnt leave me when i was to sick to leave my bed maybe if you didnt get arrested that night maybe if you would have never hit me maybe if you would stop winning about how "sick" you are and pay attention to someone else maybe if you honstly loved me maybe if I hadnt decided i hated you fuck you

when is it my turn to be selfish to take my turn... ive lowerd my standers and now i dont deserve it.

ooo gosh! i dont know how things could be better i go and do somethign awseome everyday and its making my life super perfect... i know the way ive been living would sound horrable to most people and it would give my parents a heart attack if they knew what i did wen i was gone but i like it this way and i have no regrets!

well i hate december! i hate all the planning and getting ready for christmas it sucks but im excited for tomorrow i love the food and family stuff! marry christmas!