I don't know what to do.. I'm just not happy with myself. I hate everything about me. Everything I say... everything I do. How I dress.. how I act. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. I'm tired of putting this fake smile on every morning. Tired of pretending that everything is alright.

I would rather graduate in 2006 like I'm suppose to. But with the way things are looking right now... there's a possibility that I'll end up going to school next year too. I don't want that! Fuck that. So.. this means I need to start busting my ass and catch up with all that I've missed. And that's about 1 1/2 weeks of school. God this is going to blow.

I have to go get blood drawn.. I've been really sick a lot lately. I don't want to.. cause I know it'll start up a craving but I know that I need to. I need to figure out what's wrong with my fucking body. I hate being sick. Had a bagel and cheese today for breakfast today. Now I feel guilty.. I know I shouldn't but I do. I just feel guilty for everything I do lately. It's driving me crazy. I don't understand myself. ...I can't take this anymore.

I often question my sanity. Sometimes I just feel so out there it's unbelieveable. But.. a crazy person doesn't know they're crazy. Don't really know where that came from. It's part of what I have written down in my paper journal. I really need to start writing in my poetry book again. I miss having something to type up for all of you to read. It may not be all the exciting to read.. but hey, it's something. Something besides the bullshit that just flies out of my mouth.. fingers. Miranda said she's going to omaha this weekend.. she almost sounded like she wanted me to go with her. Get coked out.. drunker than hell. ..I'm past all that now. Aren't I? I don't know. Sometimes I just don't know. That day after school when I went with her and smoked pot.. I just felt so guilty. I mean, I know it wasn't what I use to do.. but it just felt so different. Like it wasn't worth it anymore.. I've been going through some of my old notebooks and other crap. I was such a tweaker. Maybe I still am even though I'm clean. I don't want to throw away anything. It reminds me of where I was. I never want to go back there. Ever. Well.. now that I'm spacing off into nowhere. I better just end this entry right here. Besides.. I'm probably boring you to death already. That is if you even made it this far. Leave me some love.. I'll leave some back.

My sister is a wreck.. Tyler can't stop crying.. The family is worried sick.. And me.. I don't know where I come in. I feel as if I'm just watching everything from a far. Or maybe it's more like I'm walking through a bad dream and soon I'll wake up. I dont know. The past couple of nights have been hell. This was my first weekend away from Aaron. And I had dreams of him packing up and leaving.. just leaving without saying good-bye, nothing. And dreams of us commiting suicide. Lovely 'ol suicide. I actually hit this time. The bottom I mean. Scared the shit out of me. Woke up screaming.. no one heard, thank God. ..More people are arriving. I need to get ready.

-Thursday, September 15th 2005- Is this really a day to remember? Maybe.. maybe not. In a way I will remember this as the day my sister's torment and sorrow has ended. But then again, a whole new world of pain and tears has been unleashed. She feels lost without him. She's confused as to why he would even do such a thing. Is is wrong that I feel angry? To me.. this was revenge. He wanted to hurt her, like she hurt him.. but she never hurt him. Never. She escaped. Escaped from his controlling hands. All she needed was time to herself. Time to collect her thoughts. He left behind his 10 year old son, who now has to grow up without a father figure. This saddens me.. and yet, slightly happy. Kevin was no role model. So many thoughts are running through my head right now. This death brings back so many memories and buried feelings. I've lost two great friends from suicide.. I'm really at a loss of words right now.. maybe I'll write more later.

Just like the title says.. I'm tired of it all. Everything. Tired of living each day. Maybe I'm just bored with my life. I don't know.. I dyed my hair. It's now a dark brown with two green streaks in the front. It's kind of cool I guess... I had to change something though. I had to have something new to look at. Senior pictures are coming up. October 14th. Yay? No. I hate having my picture taken. Why you ask? I just do. It's just proof that I actually exist. I don't want anyone to have proof that I was ever alive. I'm not going to become anything big. Never. I'm just going to fade away.

It's come to my attention that no one is even reading my diary. Can't say I blame you.. I'm a very boring person. I just wish someone.. anyone could take a few minutes out of there time to leave a comment or two. You know? Just to show that they care.. or know how I'm feeling. I know my entries haven't really gotten into anything deep yet. Nothing that juicy. But they will... they will with time.

My username on xanga is x_mylastwords. Check it out if you want to.

I find myself wandering back into past memories. Wishing I could return and relive them once again. Would I make the same choices? The same mistakes. It's amazing how many friends you'll make in your lifetime.. only to eventually lose contact with them and feel sorry for yourself cause your so alone. I don't know what I'm trying to get at here... but I just feel like shit lately. Everything has changed so drastically.. Carrie getting sent away for 3 months for suicidal tendencies. Jamie becoming anorexic. Becky.. the alcoholic. Then there's Christina and I.. the pot head meth addicts. Only I got sent to Norton Valley Hope a few months after switching schools. And Christina.. well the people she was staying with got busted. So now.. now I have no idea where she's at. Of course there was more of us.. we were just the main ones. Thinking back on it now.. even though we were so fucked up.. we were happy. Happy in our little rundown town. And now.. now we're all in seperate places.. living seperate lives. It's amazing how badly I miss it.. I miss everything. Getting high in Christina's bedroom as we talked about what happened during lunch at school. ..It's something I can never have back though.Those friendships are gone.

Just wasting away.. Another day is passing by.. and I feel as if I'm in a dream. A nightmare.. of darkness. Walking the halls, a lost soul.. stranded in this sea of beings. I'm alone.. so alone. Today is Friday.. and I don't want to be in school. I just want to sleep the day away. I feel like crap. After school yesterday I went over to Miranda's house to pick her up. Then we went to the trailer court just outside of town and got stoned as hell. I don't think Aaron even noticed I was high.. which is good. I don't and didn't want him to. I guess I had fun... but I just feel like shit now. It's really not worth it anymore. It's not.

Feeling lost even though I'm surrounded by so many people. Feeling broken even though these pieces have been mended with black thread. Bandaids cover these bullet wounds. And I break down and cry again.. I can't explain how I'm feeling at this very moment in time. In a way I'm at peace.. but then again, I feel as if I'm in the middle of total chaos. The chaos inside this head of mine. I took a preagnancy test. The results were negative. I don't believe it. I want to... God knows how badly I want to. I'm only 17 and I'm not ready to have a child of my own. Not now.. not this early. I'm still freaked out by this whole situation. Hopefully the results are true.. I'll take another preg test if I miss my next cycle. Today is my 6 month birthday for being clean and sober. Go me? Yes! I just can't believe I've actually made it to 6 months.. and still going. Tonight I'll get my 6 month keychain from NA. It'll be great.. I'll have to speak and tell my story about how I've made it this far. And to be honest... I really don't know how I've made it this far. When I got out of Valley Hope in Norton KS, I told myself I would make 90 meetings in 90 days. But I never went to a meeting. I didn't work on my steps again. I did nothing. Absolutely nothing. I sat on my ass and kept playing thoughts over and over inside my head. I drove myself crazy. I had dreams and thoughts of using.. days of craving. It's truely a miracle that I've made it this far.

So tired of this life that I'm living. Sick of not knowing who the hell I am. Why am I like this? Why am I here? To me.. I serve no purpose. I have no meaning. Well.. my very first entry on sitdiary. Yay? Go me? Heh. I can't decided what I like better. SitD or Xanga. My fucking school blocked xanga so I guess that means I"ll have to get use to SitD now. My life is so fucking screwed up at the moment. I can't stand myself. I feel like I'm going insane, fucking crawling out of my skin. Old habbits are boiling up to the surface again. These urges to cut and get fucked up are getting stronger. And it's scaring me. I need to talk to my med. doc. -- suicidal thoughts are setting in. Espically now.. now that something is happening that I never thought would happen. ..This entry is meaningless.