goodbye...

Your memories will always haunt me like a ghost To put it nicely I hope you choke A poet of sorts but I'm not enough to give you an eyesore It's hard to swallow with your hands around my throat I'm sick and tired of, I told you so You can call me at home but I know better than to answer the phone When people ask about the last time that we spoke I let the stitches do the talking for the most part And I leave out how you threw a lamp through my front window Just burn the photographs and bury all the pages that we knew In short this is a long goodbye to unexpecting you Even if I spend 2004 listening to Morrisey in my car I'm better off alone than I would be in your arms In your arms I'm better off alone (In your arms) Just burn the photographs and bury all the pages that we knew In short this is a long goodbye to unexpecting you Just burn the photographs and bury all the pages that we knew In short this is a long goodbye to unexpecting you To unexpecting you To unexpecting you (Just burn the photographs) To unexpecting you (Bury your memories) To unexpecting you good bye. The.End.

this is to someone...you know who you are. this song is for you, every fuckin word of it. ...not that they'll listen to the message this song is sending them... but i tried, no one can say any less of me than that, right? i fucking tried. it just wasn't enough. Always I hear... a voice say "Don't be so blind"... it's telling me all these things... that you would probably hide... am I... your one and only desire... am I the reason you breathe... or am I the reason you cry... Always... always... always... always... always... always... always... I just can't live without you... I love you... I hate you... I can't get around you... I breathe you... I taste you... I can't live without you... I just can't take any more... this life of solitude... I guess that i'm out the door... and now i'm done with you... I feel... like you don't want me around... I guess i'll pack all my things... I guess i'll see you around... Its all... been bottled up until now... as I walk out your door... all I hear is the sound... Always... always... always... always... always... always... always... I just can't live without you... I love you... I hate you... I can't get around you... I breathe you... I taste you... I can't live without you... I just can't take any more... this life of solitude... I guess that i'm out the door... and now i'm done with you... I love you... I hate you... I can't live without you... I left my head around your heart... Why would you tear my world apart... Always... always... always... always... I see... the blood all over your hands... does it make you feel... more like a man... was it all... just a part of your plan... the pistol's shakin' in my hands... and all I hear is the sound... I love you... I hate you... I can't live without you... I breathe you... I taste you... I can't live without you... I just can't take any more... this life of solitude... I guess that i'm out the door... and now i'm done with you... I love you... I hate you... I can't live without you... I love you... I hate you... I can't live without you... I just can't take any more... this life of solitude... I pick myself off the floor... and now i'm done with you... Always... Always... Always...

today was okay i guess...we got our schedules for the new semester and startd classes. im changing my C block class, hopefully i get into pottery with Stan andor ali...i ♥ those two ♥♥♥ im not sure what to think of my a block...i mean, i love the teacher and the class seems pretty cool, but...it makes me think too much for the most obvious of reasons... its A block shakespeare... but anyway my friend brought whiskeyt to school today...we shared it, haha. it wasn't enough to get me staggering or anything, it was just...enough. and my lindsey got her license today...so we consumated her getting her license by breaking the law, lmao. she drove me home even though shes on restriction. i ♥ that girl... i used to sort of like her...well, i thought i did anyway. now that i think of it i realize it was more of a pathetic attempt to make the *other* person jealous then anything...but of course, how can you make someone jealous if they don't care in the first place? but anyway...she has a boyfriend now and i freaking love that kid, and shes happy, so yeah...i guess i'm happy too. shes an awesome friend to have, i wouldn't trade her for anything...now if she'd FRIGGIN SWITCH INTO ONE OF MY CLASSES...*eyetwitch* haha, just kidding, not her fault, all of my classes that she could come into are full right now...im hoping they'll empty out a bit... hmm...i need to think about this one for a bit...o_O wow, and i'm ramboling...haha, this is what happens when things happen...lol eh well, whatcha gonna do? anyway...Sanna is now my new hero...we went snowboarding today (me, her, and sara) and on the way home we stopped at mcdonalds for food...and sara went to the bathroom, so me and sanna snuck in after and sanna hid under the sink and i was by the door, and sanna grabbed sara's leg when she went to wash her hands...lmao, sara screamed, it was fucking priceless. which reminds me, i must go put sanna under my heroes section of myspace now...

yeah, because you know, everyone goes to the ones they care about most and say "hey, lets date...but lets have an open relationship, so i can fuck around with anyone i want and you won't be able to consider it cheating." yeah, i'm definetely feeling the love on that one.

you can't save me (everthing's my fault) ok, i'm going to go through this ONE. MORE. TIME. and THATS IT. ...i hate him because he used you. i know you don't see it, but of course you'd refuse to see it... but he fucking did. i hate him because he is for you what i'll never be... what you are for me... i hate that he had fucking everything with you, and he could've had fucking anything he ever wanted...an opportunity i would've killed for...and he fucking threw it away. i hate him because all it would take is just a few simple words, and you'd go back to him instantly. and then its "hey, fuck you, i dont want you anymore...you were just my rebounder... you were there, and i took it because i couldn't be with him." i hate him because you love him...

so... today. *deep breath* today...sucked. majorly. not that i expected anything else, considering... still, i wouldn't have minded being wrong this time. it rained alllllll day today. actually, we lost power and got sent home early from school. i don't normally like the rain...but today it was okay... i walked in the rain...and no one knew i was crying. i don't know why i let everything get to me today, i just...can't help it... when i was in 7th grade, i met this girl...her name was april...she was my best friend. around november-december...some bad things happened...she did something really stupid, and she got suspended from school because of it. she was crying, so i hugged her and told her everything ould be okay... she told me she was afraid to go home because her parents abused her... after that, everything changed. she became less of a best friend to me and more like a...well, like a kid i guess. i looked out for her, i protected her, i took care of her... i loved her... i dunno, when i look bck on it...i probly did have a crush on her. i might have even been able to love her eventually, if i wasn't so damn homophobic...but that was back in the time when it wasn't okay to be gay, when if you weren't straight you were shunned by everyone you knew... but i did care about her...i did everything in my power to make her as happy as possible, and to help her, and when that didn't work i tried to help in ways that were really beyond my power...but i still tried. anyway...eventually she moved out of her dads house and moved in with her mom who lived a few hours away. and eventually, i found out she'd been lying to me the entire time...to use me... her being abused, and afraid to go home, and all that shit about how bad her life was...it was all a lie. and i haven't really talked to her since then... i dont know why im bringing all this up. i guess i just feel like my friends deserve an explaination for why i was so...out of it today. and i don't feel like telling them in person, because i hate doing that. then i get the whole "oh you poor thing how could someone do that to you thats so horrible blah blah blah..." don't get me wrong, its good to know they care...but i don't want pity. especially when shes the reason behind it. it's in my past, i'd rather just deal with it on my own, i don't need anyones help, because this isn't something that my friends can make go away, and it isn't something i like to talk about much. so...yeah. shes in my past...let the memory of her die there. so yeah, thats why my day sucked...and it didn't help that when i wasn't thinking about that, i was thinking about her...and the song that was stuck in my head all day didn't help much either... but what can you do but push past it and hope for the best? The storm is bad tonight, so how could I awake without you here? Your picture's on the wall. You haven't called. But I'll wait for you. To her own reflection, she says, "I will hold on" To her own reflection, she says, "I will be strong" The storm is letting up, but it won't die. If you weren't wrong, was I? Your picture still remains, but I wonder are you still the same? To her own reflection, she says, "I will hold on" To her own reflection, she says, "I will be strong" Am I losing you? Am I losing you?! I've waited, I've waited til it's over It's over now... To her own reflection, she says, "I will hold on" To her own reflection, she says, "I will be strong"

well i love the way you roll excuses off the tip of your tongue as i slowly, quielty fall apart. a group of people went around asking 4-8 year olds what love is...If only we were as smart as they are. "When someone loves you,the way they say your name is differemt.You just kno ur name is safe in their mouth" "Love is when you go out to eat and give someobody most of your french fries without making them give you any of theirs" "Love is what makes you smile when you're tired" "love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more" "Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen" "Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day" "When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you" "No reason why i should try to go on anymore. My reason's all gone, no reason why you should try to make excuses to make me feel alright. Excuses call for stupid reasons, and I know that it's not much that I can offer right now. Just give me one little second and I will try my hardest to make you feel like i'm someone else."

pull the fucking trigger i surrender. i'm finished. if you want me, come and get me...because i am not gonna let you take me alive. if you want me, come and find me... i'll be waiting.

im here now...oklahoma rocked...travelling there and back SUCKED though... i spent the night in chicago on the way there...spent 6 hours on plane for a flight that only takes an hour and 1/2 on the way back... but whatever, im "home" now. not even an effing phone call...

im going "home" tomorrow... i hate it there. it took a second trip back to know that this is where i belong. this is the place that im meant to be. this is where my heart is. in all honesty, i dont want to go back. as awful as it sounds...i dont even miss anyone. i could never see any of those people there again, and it wouldn't phase me... im home. dont get me wrong...i love my friends. but this place, with these people, everythings just so...right. this is where i belong. theres only one person i truly miss...and i know that when i get home, they wont be waiting for me. i wont be able to go to them and ask for them to hold me while i cry, and fix my freshly broken heart...for my heart breaks every time i have to leave... but i'll be lucky if i even get a fucking phone call. so...i really have no desire to leave. seriously, whats the point? its only going to break my heart...and knowing that theres no one waiting for me on the other end makes it that much harder to leave. theres nothing there for me. and no one to listen... people know me here. and when i speak, they listen...and, they understand. such a simple request...and yet, so hard to acheive. and so easily taken for granted. im sorry...but i dont know if i can do this anymore. so heres to a new year, and a whole new slue of heartaches...what a way to start the year off. happy fucking new years.

"Did I ever tell you that I really love you and I think about you all day? I really miss you and wish I could kiss you, but why are you so far away? Since you've been gone, I've thought over and over about you inside my head and where I went wrong, where I went wrong. Every day, I've been thinking a lot about all of the things you'd say since I went away, since I went away... I guess I could call you and ask you "How are you?" but I really don't have much to say... I sit all alone and I stare at the phone and I hope that you're doing ok." i never wanted this to happen...i never wanted us to end... but we have...thus, as we end...I end... its christmas day, and i'm surrounded by friends and family but at the same time...im completely alone.

heyyy im back! haha, not really. im at jenos. it hasn't been bad so far, except the part about how my 5 hour trip ended uop taking 2 days...grrr. yeah, so when we got to chicago, the plane landed at 7, and we got off at 7:15, and went straight to our gate. we got there at 7:30 for a 7:45 flight, and they were all "oh this flights closed, youre not going anywhere." and we were all "wtf? the planes still attached to the terminal, all we have to do is walk out there and we're on it." and they were all "NO. go to gate 3." you know, i wouldnt have been so pissed if it wasnt for the fact that they didnt even announce the flight. normally you can hear flights being announced for boarding anywhere in the airport, and had we known they were boarding ours, we wouldve run. but they didn't announce it at all. so we go to gate three and spend a good 5 minutes yelling at the people there, until they were all "well we're not going to help you, go to customer support." so then we go to customer support, and wait in line behind at LEAST 20 people who had missed the same flight we had, for an hour-ish. then we get up to the desk, and the guys all "well, im sorry, but the next flight out we have is 7:15 tomorrow night." so then i was all "WHAT?" and he was all "oh and you can't have a hotel room either." so then i lost it on him. i was all "DUDE were fucking sixteen FUCKING years old, we have no fucking money and nowhere to go, and you're telling us that were stuck in this FUCKING airport for another 24 FUCKING hours when theres at least 4 flights to tulsa between now and then?! hell no, i am NOT staying here that long." then i started crying and he put us on the 12 o'clock flight...lol. so THEN, they still wouldnt give us a hotel room because "were minors" and even though were old enough and responsible enough to fly by ourselves unattended, were apparently not trustworthy enough to have a hotel room to ourselves. SO, we had to sleep in the fucking airport. have you ever slept on any of those airport chairs? theyre too fucking small, and theres a fucking bar running through the middle that stabs you in the back anytime you try to lay on them. AND, it was fucking cold because the airport turns down the heat at night to save money. needless to say, we didnt sleep much, and we ended up getting up at about 3 and walking around until out flight left at 8 (we were on standby, so they pushed us up). and THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is my story. NEVER fly through the chicago o'hare airport, it fucking sucks and the people are assholes. other then that, im having an awesome time...wish i could stay forever :( eh, someday... anyway, i'll post pics as soon as im not lazy anymore...lol ♥ edit PICATURES! the last three are me and my jeno, i ♥ her

heyyy yeah, so just to let everyone know, in case i don't get on before then, im leaving on tuesday (the 20th) and i won't be back until the 2nd at about...5pm-ish? im going to see my Jenni :) and the Rob, because he rocks my fucking face off (don't ask) yeah, so while i'm there i will be quite unreachable...and by quite unreachable, i mean i probably won't go online at all, because...well i dont want to. SO if you want me over those 2 weeks...tough shit. haha okay, not really. if you want me, contact Jenni, she'll be able to find me. and if you don't know how to contact Jenni...call me, i can tell you how to find her. haha...give a couple of you a second or two on that one... anyway i'd love for people to call me...not that they ever do... but even if no one does, thats okay, because i'll be with two of my favorite people in the world ♥ ♥ i love my Jeno and my Barry...they make me happy. and so does my bobby :) he can get a smile out of me even if im ready to cry my eyes out. but anyway. haha, work was cool. this girl Sarah (yes, i know, another one...god, thats the third one this week ;) is wiiiiiiicked funny. i actually go to school with her, but we never really talked much. anyway, theres these 2 spanish people that also work there, and they don't speak any english, and they were like, 2 hours late today, but no one knew why because they couldn't tell us, lol. so later, sarah goes up to tony (the manager) and shes like "so tony, did you ever find out why they were so late?" and he was like "nope." and she was like "im telling you, they were out in the parking lot having sex in their car." and of course all i heard was "sex" so i turn around and im like "what...?" and shes like "see? brandi saw them too, didn't you?" and im just like "um..." *blank stare* haha, i guess you had to be there, but...it was pretty funny.

ive been getting the weirdest songs stuck in my head today. *shrugs* eh. so today was ok...i guess... i dunno, not really sure what to make of it yet. so apparently, my work has a "no piercings" policy. im thinking about telling them to screw it and have my piercings anyway. im not taking my eyebrow out, thats out of the question. but theres a couple others i might just... "accidentally" show up with. i swear, it was an accident! i slipped! i wear retainers in them anyway, so i dont see why it would be a problem... hey, wow, my aunt and uncle love me...they sent me money for christmas...lol haha okay, i just wanna say thank you to my bobby because i ♥ him. he made me feel better last night as only bobby can...OMG LOOK! A LESBIAN! haha, i forbid you to date people with such bad taste ;) I ♥ bobby!

snow day. whoo. today was weird. i was supposed to be working on my research paper thats due tuesday. ended up not doing any of it. eh. school just doesn't seem to have much of a point to me anymore. if i don't do my work, i'll fail. if i fail...so what? i dunno. i needed physical pain today-long story there. so i guess i have another piercing now. again. im up to 9 now, and planning on 2 more...whenever i need them... whatever.

pity sex

...if you break my heart ill fall apart inside... ...but i swear ill tear you to pieces if im ever whole again...

yeah, so...blah. today was...eh. woke up early (blah) got my hair cut (eh) discovered my hairdresser person was hot (eh) waited around for my mom for a couple hours (blah) came home (eh) got picked up by sara (...) went snowboarding (whoo...) came home (blah) so as a whole, today was okay, just...blah. i dont know. i tried to talk to kim last night about things...maybe work things out now that ive finally gotten out all the things ive been holding back for the past 4 months... but she didnt seem to be too interested in working things out... and i tried to call her a couple times today... maybe she doesnt want to work things out at all... Robs really been helping me out lately. i ♥ that boy, can't wait to see him. lol, we have the awesomest nicknames too, hes my shock rocker rob and im his belt buckle brandi/pooky poo. then i asked him if i got to have any special powers with my nickname, and he decided that i have the power to undo an emo boys belt faster then you can blink...? haha, hes a cool kid...it really helps to have him around to talk to...even if he doesnt know what to say when you're upset, hes always good for a laugh, lol. hes just so effing random. like, ok, heres an idea of his weirdness...apparently, hair dryers turn him on. AND, people licking his boots is another big turn on of his. and his boyfriend Quesey is a total sex fiend...and Rob manages to wear even him out. trust me...thats big, lol. but anyway...yeah, i ♥ him, hes my amazing gay guy, lol. other then that...i got nothing.

my friend Ian's band sings this song...and i think its fricken awesome. what do you guys think of it? BE HONEST. "Lovers are Liars" the stars, they shine like fireflies deep within the depths of your eyes and im melting down, i hope you don't mind everythings gonna be different this time ive been locked inside the depths of my mind since long before i wrote this line and everything is crashing down you've let go, and I'm spinning wildly around but i'll hold on forever, and wait for that sign i know for a fact that you were never mine with a restless air i awake to find there's nobody home, i must be losing my mind my insides burn with my intent every time you cut me the blood turns to black spiraling down, darkening up angel, i think you need to loosen up your words are meaningless and im starting to think maybe my intentions are hopeless this ship was meant to sink lovers are liars, talk is cheap yet seeing you still makes my heart leap forever running this useless race your kisses feel like a slap to the face "i'll always love you" is ALWAYS a lie and now you've stuck me with this record until i die it once was possible, once I flew but then you shot me down; its true a candle burns only to shed its light he found you, and you lost sight this pen writes tales of a lonely heart sweetheart, every word you speak tears me apart i swear to you, i'm giving up but just one last time, let me feel your touch strangle me with the belt around your waist you know...you've got such a pretty face