So as a typical first entry (since it seems strange to jump into the middle of things) here are all poems that I have posted on my Xanga and Myspace. And then you may possibly expect more of something later. *****Please not that thes poems continue backward for two or three years. And I only posted the ones I didn't detest enough to destroy.***** Broken Girl What would happen if she ran away? He was the only one to have ever stayed Through all of the smiles and the tears But now she was afraid She refused to eat, yet again Though her bones protruded through her skin Because he wouldn’t love her Unless she was thin The cuts were deep on her pale bruised arms And all of her good luck charms Couldn’t save this broken girl But nobody heard the unending alarms He treats her like a toy Cast aside, when it ceases to elicit joy Why would she stay With such a ruthless boy? She found herself alone again She was without any friends She didn’t know That this was the end Her whole life was in a whirl Tumbling down in a hideous swirl Because who would ever love Such a broken little girl Remember She goes home and paints her nails Straightens her hair And changes her clothes She leaves her house as someone else He called her name again and again Finally he ran to her and as she turned He asked if she had not heard her name She looked at him, quite confused And simply stated, who Late that night when she comes home She takes a shower and does it again She paints her nails Straightens her hair And changes her clothes She leaves the house as someone else He sees her again and stares at her You’re so different now What’s wrong with you? She shakes him off and runs away Get away from me I don’t know you Early that morning when she comes home She takes a shower and does it again She paints her nails Straightens her hair And changes her clothes She leaves the house as someone else He tries once more to make her see He stops her again and looks in her eyes You don’t remember me You don’t remember anything You were once amazing But now you’re gone Come back to me, please I’ve never met you So you don’t know me I’ve seen you before I think I remember I think I believe you now Maybe I am not me Late that night when she comes home She takes a shower to do it again But she stops She can’t remember She doesn’t have to leave today She starts to paint her nails What color does she like? She tries to straighten her hair What style does she wear? She looks through her clothes What should she wear? She doesn’t remember anymore She sat on her bed and began to cry If I am not myself Than who am I? The Truth Here's the truth of all I've said. I'm nothing that I want to be. And I'm everything I hate to be. If you think I slit my wrists, That's a lie. I'm an honest little girl. And I really do try. I don't cry for myself. And I'll never cry for you. I sound so dirty, But I'm really squeaky clean. My posse members aren't my friends. They don't care about me. And I don't care about them. Walking in my shoes would hurt your feet. So I suggest you don't try. You'll never understand. So don't bother thinking. I'm so innocent I make Mary blush. My mind is so dirty It'd make a prostitute gasp. My heels are too tall, My skirts are a bit short. I wear too many bracelets, And the Cosmetic Gods worship me. My rings would break your face, Though I really wouldn't care. Gym teachers think I'm lazy, But I'm not scared of anyone, So I don't need to run. English teachers don't like my words, But they shouldn't malicize. They just got izz-end, I think they should admit it. If I were a super hero, I'd be the Black Widow. I'd kill my lovers When I don't want to play. I'm so anal retentive, I clean department stores, And I don't even work there. The only powder I ever intake Is in striped tubes. The only thing I drink Is carbonated caffine. I own over Sixty tops, Twenty skirts, Fifteen pairs of pants, But I never have anything to wear. Scaring people at the mall Is the best thing to do. The stares I get, And all they say, Makes me giggle And run away. If you fall down, I'll laugh at you. Call me a bitch, I'll laugh and grin. Touch me, And I'll kick your shins. Life's no fun. We all die slowly. So let's eat some Sugar coated Sugar Cookies, With a side of Sugar, And Sugar to drink, And laugh at the idiots as they go by. No One I tried to be good But no one praised me. I tried to be naughty But no one scolded me. I tried to join in But no one let me. I screamed and cried But no one heard. I slit my wrists But no one saw. I poured my heart out But no one listened. I died inside But no one noticed. I killed myself But no one cared. For All Of Us This is written for all of us Those that have died inside Those that have given up All hopes of happiness Those that have lost All they held dear All that they had loved Those with nobody else To seek shelter from reality with This for all of us that have Lost our will to live Yet, we remain here Afraid to let down those We had hoped to please And please those We had hoped to let down When tears will not fall And smiles can not be found We lose ourselves Amidst the strangulations Of pressure and fear Of responsibility and honor We can not be what was wanted And now we mean nothing We are worthless And hate to live Wishing for someone Who loves us enough To kill us Someone who hates us enough To kill us Someone who wants Us to leave enough To kill us Someone who isn't afraid To set us free This is for all of us Who wish ourselves away To be rid of this guilt and pain And all promises that were made To be free of all obligations To be free so that we may leave We've wasted our lives Hoping everyone would Stop caring But they didn't Now they worry And we feel guilty We have hurt those we Desired only to please And others smile at Our misery The life we tried to Forget and leave Has kept us here only To be burdened with the Knowledge that we had Wasted it all And left ourselves In confusion Rid ourselves of life And please ourselves Or live in pain And please another This is for all of us Who are but an empty shell Because we tried so hard To be worth something To be considered better Than we really were Who would rather die trying Than to live worthless This is for all of us who have Died inside Painful Accumulation I'm out of line And wasting time I'm slashing wrists My life consists Of gruesome pain My hopes of happiness Are held in vain This languid abyss Pulls me under And shreds my life asunder Loves are found It may astound But not for long Before it's lost It makes me strong But at a cost I lose myself On the shelf With hopes and dreams I go to extremes Just to please Someone who doesn't care It is my heart they sieze Leaving me in despair But I always try And refuse to cry For someone who leaves me hurt But they can't revert What they did wrong Words were said They move along So this life I dread I am so forsaken The risks I've taken Were merely a ploy To destroy Myself and all I had I won't give in That's too bad Even when you chagrin You have made your choice And I'll rejoice When you are gone I'll think of things foregone And remember the smiles That faded away And all the piles Of letters left to decay I won't forget But you're still just a silhouette A pitiful shadow Like an innuendo Causing the suffering I feel inside This pain accumulating Until the day I died Your Turn Of all the lines I've heard And all the lies I believed The worst, was that you Would always love me Such a lie Such pain it brought It made me smile It made me laugh But now I cry And now I bleed If anyone should make me hurt It should be me I won't let you do this Not to me Never again I'll never believe Never cry All I want Is for you to die So take your pain And all the lines You fed to me So I wouldn't cry You've had your fun Now I'll have mine I'll make you hurt And make you cry You'll have your turn Because I've had mine So prepare for tears Prepare for pain Because my suffering Is never in vain I Didn't Cry I didn't cry when my grandparents died. Or shed a tear when my mother was in the hospital, once again. Nor when I was verbally abused. I didn't cry when my uncle tried, to kill himself and his child. Nor when he was in the hospital because off drug abuse. I never cried when I sat with him as he was paralyzed either. I never cried when I had to listen to all of the yelling. I didn't flinch or wince as names were called and fists were thrown. Thinking back on all the days, I had to hide within my room, I didn't shed a tear, not for the ones who held me dear. Through all the pain I held my own, And smiled at a world unknown. Then I met you and things were fine. We smiled and laughed, and never cried. We had so much fun as we danced around, Happy to have each other. Never once did I frown, because I thought I had it all. Then one day, you walked away. I begged and pleaded for you to stay with me. You didn't listen, you never even heard. And I fell to the floor, And cried and cried, and cried for you. In hopes that one day, you'd love me too. My Beloved and I My beloved and I, we wait apart. Knowing no joy in our lonely hearts. Smiling so often with tears in our eyes. Trying to believe, that we hear no lies. Desiring another to share our pain. All hopes of love, held in vain. Wishing each day, to be taken away. Knowing our faithfullness shall never know betray. In each other, we find someone on which to lean The two of us, are far to keen, To keep secrets hidden behind a facade. Desperatley searching the esplenade, For trace of one another, searching the sea, For answers to questions that hold no glee. Finding no one else to understand, we wait. Ignoring all those that berate. Hoping one day, to find each other. Because we could never allow ourselves, to love another. A Tear Shed for Someone Unknown Why do I cry for someone I have never met? Someone I may never meet? Why does my mind fade out thinking of you? I subconciously repeat your words. Why do my eyes tracce you face, lingering on your dismal smile? I fear I may never forget you. Always wanting you back, rather, here for the first time. Somehow, when I so deperately desire you here, I am afraid you will find me unworthy and simply leave. All that I had wanted for so long, you dare not trouble with me. As if I were to be your downfall. How pathetic of me, to cry for you, when you do not love me. I feel so empty without you. Even though I have never known the pleasure of you prescence in mine. I fell in love with a dream. A dream that shatters as I wait for you. I sit, waiting for you to talk to me. As if your voice and philisophical words were the energy on which I fed. Yet, relentlessly, I wait for you. You shed not a tear for me, even as I cry you a sea. Disconnected I feel so disconnected. Every day it feels as if another of the strings that hold me to this world are being clipped. Every word i speak that no one seems to hear is like a blade shooting through my heart, shredding its remains. Each tear that i cry is yet another reason for me to die. I wouldn't cry if someone knew. But no one cares to listen.I always feel as if no one really understands. They just tell me that they do to make me stop. I have done the impossible and convinced myself that all that i do is because I love it. Thinking back at all the smiles that have disappeared, I realize that I never smile at what I used to. It seems as if I have become devoid of all feelings. So I sit and ponder and sit in wonder at how dark I have become. Why have I given up hope and how can i get it back? I could stand living, if only I weren't me. Anyone else is better than me. I feel so disconnected and ripped apart. As If She Were She writes as if she were dying As if her heart was being torn apart As if she herself were being torn Limb from limb She sings with such pasiion Her voice filled with fear She sings of it all Her face streaming with tears She draws people as if she could see their pain As if she could see them Fading away These were the things they said They should have used their head They knew what was coming They knew they would find her Dead Daddy Dearest Daddy Dearest said I'm his little girl Daddy Dearest gave me the world Daddy Dearest gave me all I ever needed Daddy Dearest gave me all I ever wanted Daddy Dearest said I was the perfect child Daddy Dearest said I always wore a smile Daddy Dearest said I would be famous Daddy Dearest said every1 would know my name Daddy Dearest saw a change Daddy Dearest knew it would never be the same Daddy Dearest said he had limits Daddy Dearest said I had gone to far Daddy Dearest started to push Everytime Daddy Dearest pushed, I pushed back Daddy Deasrest said he wanted to pull me from the edge If Daddy Dearest isn't careful i'll pull the trigger and that will be the end Delusional Reality A day when you just wanna cry And you have no idea why Run to your room And beat your head against the wall Until it fades and you forget about it all A day when you just wanna scream Until you cant decide If this horrifying reality is your life Or a terrible dream When you don't know whether These people that call themselves your friends Are lying backstabbers Or will they be true till the end When people tell you so many lies You don't know yourself But it doesn't matter You still wish you were someone else When you stop listening Because you're too busy wishing yourself away To another life Another place Or at least another day When you ask yourself Whether you forgot Or just refuse to remember You scream at the top of your lungs And everyone just stares You kill yourself And no one cares Facade They ask her if she's alright, is she okay She tells them yess just to make them go away But in her head she scream and she cries No! Please help me I just want to die! They tell her she should be happy At least for a while So she'll laugh and she'll smile But in her head she screams and she cries Someone Please help me I just want to die! Gone By the time you find this note I will have set myself free And cast my body into the sea I've been in this world for far to long So this note is my goodbye song I'll never have to think of my past For I'm gone and am never coming back Tell everyone I'm sorry, I just couldn't take it I promise this time I am not faking it I'm sorry I'm gone but I wish you well I do not fear the afterlife Even though I've been sentenced to hell Here Take me away Please just take me away I don't want to be here Not here Please take me away From all I hate From all I fear Take me with you Leave me somewhere Let me come with you Anywhere but here Please take me away From all of my pain From all of my tears Away from it all Anywhere but here Don't make me stay I'll do anything you Just don't leave me here I'd rather die than be here I'll do it myself to get away from here To be anywhere To be free Please just take me with you at least for a ways I don't want to be here Anywhere else is better than Here Trapped I hate the light and fear the dark So I'll stand here surrounded by all I'm afraid to become I'll run from the dark, and fall to my knees, and pray for the light, and beg for my life But I'll never cry Only the weak cry, and I never want to be weak Not Again Iv'e become so great, I won't let myself fall Not because of the dark, not because of the light i refuse to be that weak, I'll never speak they can't hurt me if I don't know I'm wounded I can't escape, they won't let me die I'd embrace the happiness found in the light, But I hat it so I'd surrender to the darkness But I'm afraid to let go So I'll stand here surrounded by all I'm afraid to become I'll run from the dark, and fall to my knees, and pray for the light, and beg for my life But I'll never cry The Ugly Girl She insisted she wasn't hungry, said she already ate So on the table sat, her still empty plate She kept running, from the ugly girl inside her head She couldn't make her leave, though relentlessly she tried The ugly girl inside her head, the one that wouldn't die The days she lay, powerless in bed Too weak to move, only strong enough to breathe She lay screaming, desperately inside her mind She couldn't make her leave, she couldn't make her die This ugly girl that lived inside her head Finally she fell, broken to her knees, Desperately she cried, just love me please She stared up with biug hopeless eyes, All that was left of the girl he knew, She tried so hard to make him love her He scowled and left, their love, no more, She cried please stay, I'm better than before, He didn't turn as he told her the girl he loved, was no more, Her hatred of what she was, Of the ugly girl that lived inside her head, Destroyed the girl he loved, And she caused the man she tried to please, To turn and leave Life of Lies There is no heaven There is only hell We should not live We should be dead Yesterday was a nightmare Today is a dream Tomorrow is a lie Because things aren't what they seem My Fall This world is cruel, they try to fool They push and pull, this world is cruel I'm filled with pain, I've gone insane My tears fall as sure as the rain, I'm filled with pain I'm full of hate, I can not wait for my dieing date, That is my fate, I'm filled with hate All is hell, nothing is well That's why I stopped it before I fell, all is hell Roxy This is the story of a girl named Roxy. Roxy hated her family and had no friends. She wore all black and always wore a frown. People yelled at her and alwqys brought her down. Roxy always looked distant and rarely ever listened. She hated the government and conformity. She thought the world was superficial. She spoke with passion, her voice filled with fear. She was afraid to be hit and wished the pain weren't so near. Every night she cried herself to sleep This girl who nobody thought could weep Everyone she knew lied to her Everyone she knew despised her Roxy was only 15 And had her whole life ahead of her Her hopes and dreams were merely a were This is the story of Roxy Roxy hated her family and had no friends She put her own life to an end This is the story of me And how the darkness set me free Soul My soul is foresaken, I have been abandoned They said it was useless for me to try My soul is hopeless, I have given up on life I don't want to fight I just want to die My soul is a crescent, It has been torn and Shattered It is the moon and my black heart the sky My soul is shrouded, I hide in the dark, Iv'e been told no truth, only lies My soul is bleeding, It has been wounded These are the tears I will not cry To Do List 1-Turn an enemy into a friend 2-Prove that no life has a happy end 3-Make sure all haters pay 4-Make traitors see things my way 5-Go someplace exotic and meet a nice guy 6-Go to a bank a tell everone to reach for the sky 7-Find a new life, one that is bold 8-Get a new family and dispose of the old