Man, I really suck at this journal. I keep neglecting it. However I have been busy. Despite by being busy I have been being stressed out a bunch and having to handle everyone elses everything other than my own, when I have been wanting and trying to deal with myself. And things just keep seeming to get thicker and thicker. Bleh. So other than complaining about how I am sucking at this journal, I guess I don't really have much more to say... I am going to assume and hope that everything will at least slowly get better in less than 2 weeks now. Stuff is supposed to happen. And, I am going slightly crazy with things the way they are right now. I think I am going to try and put almost all of my hope in the events soon to come. If I fall, I guess I wont have far to go. But if my hope isn't denied, then awesome. Greatness. And, I am sure this journal will hear of it.

..I feel what is wrong with me right now.... I feel many of my flaws right now... I feel... Bland? I feel... sad...

I hate myself sometimes...

I am glad that I am able to help other people, even if for some I don't even actually make any difference at all or anything... I sometimes wonder if the things I do or say go recognized. Or such things like that I suppose, even if I don't have the words to explain. But I don't mind it so much. It isn't so bad. I just sometimes have to wonder if I actually make any difference, or if I am actually helping at all. Or if it even matters to the person that I at least try. The only question I really have to ask though... I'm talking to so many people at some times.. I am trying to and helping so many people... But who will watch over me? All too often lately.. I feel all too alone when it comes to my life.. Like there are people to hang out with, and see, and some I can talk to since I can't see them physically right now... But about my life... I am alone.. I watch over so many people... But I don't have anyone to wach over me.... And it gets depressing... Because even though I am with people.. I am all too alone...

There is too damn much I could explain right now... I haven't posted in here in a long time.. But I haven't really had the time when I could find the drive... So it's been neglected... But different long stories short... I don't think I'd mind if I died right now... Of course I would love to live... if my lifes story didn't suck the damned way it does... But.. we can't always get what we want now can we? ...

Ozzy Osbourne - I Just Want You There Are No Unlockable Doors There Are No Unwinnable Wars There Are No Unrightable Wrongs Or Unsingable Songs There Are No Unbeatable Odds There Are No Believable Gods There Are No Unnameable Names, Shall I Say It Again, Yeah There Are No Impossible Dreams There Are No Invisible Seams Each Night When Day Is Through I Don't Ask Much I Just Want You I Just Want You There Are No Uncriminal Crimes There Are No Unrhymable Rhymes There Are No Identical Twins Or Forgivable Sins There Are No Incurable Ills There Are No Unkillable Thrills One Thing And You Know It's True I Don't Ask Much I Just Want You I Just Want You I Just Want You I Just Want You I'm Sick And Tired Of Bein' Sick And Tired I Used To Go To Bed So High And Wired Yeah - Yeah, Yeah, Yeah I Think I'll Buy Myself Some Plastic Water I Guess I Should Have Married Lennon's Daughter Yeah - Yeah, Yeah, Yeah There Are No Unachievable Goals There Are No Unsaveable Souls No Legitimate Kings Or Queens, Do You Know What I Mean? Yeah There Are No Undisputable Truths And There Ain't No Fountain Of Youth Each Night When Day Is Through I Don't Ask Much I Just Want You [6 Times] Yeah, Yeah, Yeah I Just Want You I Just Want You Hey, Yeah, I Just Want You Yeah, Yeah, Yeah I Just Want You, Hey I Just Want You I Just Want You

Bleh. Now life is just so damn confusing. I don't know what the hell right now. Are things good? Are they bad? Does it even really matter? What is happening? What happened? What is going to happen? Are things O.K.? Are they not really? Should I do something? Should I not? What is someones opinion? What does someone think about the situation? What is the situation? Gyah! I am so confused. I don't know what to do. I am trapped by the confusion. I don't even know what people think anymore. I don't even know what people think of me right now. Why am I even so damn confused? I feel so connected with myself, despite the mental and pysical pain I am going through right now that is deterring me. So why am I so confused about everything else? Bleh... I really want to know right now... But for some reason it really isn't just that easy... So what do I do?

I fucking hate my life... Why is it I am never good enough for anything? If something good happens, then it is too good to be ture... And as it happen usually when something is too good to be true, it is just that... I knew I didn't deserve any of the good things I was getting... Because if I did... then why did I lose everything? Like I said, I guess I am just not good enough... Because I tried with the best of me... and it wasn't enough. Is this just a phase? If it is then it comes too often... Like a story of my life... I thought things could be different for me... At least once... I was dumb to think that. Just by looking at the rest of my life I should have realized that it doesn't work that way. But I just had to try, and I got burned. I'd say, "oh well." But that isn't going to make it better.. It will rot inside me, and no one will care... When no one cares, it is like adding water to anything that is dead, it immenses decay that much faster...

"I am just a sorrow expert now, the more I love the more I drown."

::Tilts head:: And what is it you want out of life?

A pain, from deep within. A pain in which i believe, if applied correctly, can bring anyone to ruin. Loneliness. Even those who can have a high enough physical fortitude to withstand exterior pains are subjectable to the pain of loneliness. Inner pain is so much different from exterior pain. Those who can be built like a rock on the outside, can be subjectable to inner pain like any other person. There are people who are hurt so much at times that they grow cold inside, as though staring into their eyes is like seeing the hardest snow of the coldest winter storm. But that is not a defense against internal pains. When people do that, they are taking away a gateway to emotion, to feeling. And when you take away a feeling you take away a definition of life. There is no life in a lack of feeling. And i ask, how is it a defense against something when you are taking away your life? Well, no one is as strong as they can think they are when it comes to internal pains. i find myself to be a very strong person when it comes to emotions and inner feelings. i do not cut the cords of emotions or anything inside of me from my life, i just grow a defense of tolerance. Tolerance, fortitude... It is accessable externally, as well as internally. But it isn't an easy thing to aquire. If it was easy, do you think it would be all that rewarding. The more you can bring yourself to the edge and back, the stronger you can become. With the more experiences, the more you have handled and came back from. i have the internal pain of loneliness. i am so very alone all too much of my time lately. And it is mostely out of my hands. But i am in an internal struggle of my own. My own trial i must pass. A story which is my own. As we all have our own stories. Mine is at a low point. Often finding myself talking with no other. Feeling as though my needs are not addressed as at least would be hoped. Observing the world, seeing everything i want, i wish, i dream. Seeing/hearing other people being addressed without question, where i am alone. It isn't as tragic as it seems, i do have times of days where i have my joy. But with my life, that is so little to a whole day which i have to endure. But as i said, this is my trial. i will succeed in the end. All shall be well, in time. However i am a person who lives life in the present, so the loneliness can get to me at times. At least it end... It is just sad when i feel the loneliness and there is nothing i can do about it...

Today, I brought myself to a dark place. I figure there are more than 1 kind of dark places a person can enter. There are kinds of "evil," sadness, anger, hate, pain, or silence. I would be willing to believe that there are more but I am not making this entry to list them all. I had brought myself to one of those dark places. I didn't exactly do it intentionally. Well, I did intend on bringing myself to a place to push me further. But not to bring myself to a place of anger, sadness, and pain rolled into one. It did push me further, but the further I went the further down I also crawled. I don't exactly know what to think after or during this place to help myself... When in it the sorrows thought and felt seem so real as though there is no other option that is right. But when just leaving it you can feel so used, or just hollow as if used or something, and don't know what to do with yourself. I had no freedom from the feeling. No one to tell me anything different. No one was there for me. I had my own mentality to heal with. I am not a very aggressive person when it comes to myself. Unless I break like everyone does (more often now given these are sadder times), I don't much enjoy bringing myself to anyone. It means so much more when someone else looks to you. And so I still rot inside. And I am not the one to help it. It is cause of a festering wound caused by things simply out of my hands.

So, unsurprisingly i had another battle with myself today. Funny thing with a fight with yourself. No matter how you turn out in the end, you always lose in one way or another. For better or for worse. Either way, it is that loss that gets to me. Even if for the better, the fact that i had that confrontation inside of me mean that i had a fight in the first place that i was caused to lose to. A battle inside of yourself isn't fun. The battle i had today had both endings to the story. I lost and won. For better and worse. Had clarity through the fog, yet at the same time the fact of the concept for which the battle took place gave me a sadness i hate. The kind of sadness where you don't want to live. Not the kind where you want to die, but the kind where you don't want to do anything. Sad thing is that even not living feels too hollow to actually do.

Well, i suppose this is a new "diary" i can use. i am not sure what to say right now so i suppose i am going to just read around and see if i can find anything interesting for now.