I've spent the past few minutes reading over every single public entry I've posted here (Trust me- it didn't take long). I sound like such a pathetic and whiny bitch. I wouldn't even date me at this point because I AM SO DAMAGED. Reading over everything--I couldn't even pinpoint maybe a fourth of the persons I was discussing because I did such a great job of being ambiguous to myself. Has that pattern changed? Sadly, no- but I've been more cautious with my feelings lately. As much as I'd like to let myself be open to the ideo of meeting new people; I've done absolutely nothing to help myself.

I'll say this here- The last person I was truly attracted to was Alex and it just didn't work out and it was truly 100% my fault because I pulled away when I felt we were getting intimate in an intellectual way. God that sounds so fucking cliche to type out. Having sex is easy; connecting with someone is difficult. I don't think I was able to handle letting myself be completely vulnerable with anyone at that point. He is one of the only persons I've ever dated that truly got to know me and I froze. I really left him hanging. Although I've been kind of anxious to tell him about everything that has happened in my personal life lately, I've practiced restraint because he's invested in someone else and I don't want to emotionally dump onto him. That wouldn't be fair. With everything he told me about his personal/home life; I feel like I OWE it to him because he has such a grasp of these sorts of things and I know he would be able to talk me through this. But I can't; I'm too proud to admit I made a mistake. For all he knows; I may be dead and I really am.

That's enough for me to say so far this year. My personal life is a wreck; I've been questioning all of my beliefs lately because so much pain shouldn't be allowed to persist without reason. Why be a good person if it gets you absolutely nothing? Is the universe really this random and spiteful that it has chosen to turn my entire life upside down? What is the point of smiling when I'm dead on the inside? I wish the least of my problems is that I have a drug problem or an eating disorder or continued to harm myself in another way; but that's not the case. I've just been a victim of circumstance and it has a strangle hold on me. How is life supposed to be beautiful if my heart has been ripped out of my chest, placed in a blender and beaten to a pulp, how am I supposed to continue to pretend nothing is wrong when absolutely nothing is right?

And worse of all- how will I get through this when I feel so FUCKING alone when I've alienated myself from the only person who would understand. I can't even turn to GOD right now because he's been playing a cruel joke on me my entire life. The thing is; if you were to see me; you'd think there was absolutely nothing wrong- that I shit rainbows and glitter and live a charmed life. Well FUCK; I'm a great actress; I'm so sick that I get off on fooling everyone. If they only knew what I was thinking.