Im glad Ashlee is in my life...shes the only person outside of my family that really cares about me and shows it. Unfortunately she didnt call me back tonight...lol ;-(. whichever shes still the best, Im glad ses my best friend...

I think I need to grow up. I'm really upset right now. I think I need time away from my girlfriend. I love her so much, but I mean I feel like I'm forgetting about my needs or even more, my dignity. I know that I love her more then anything and I trust her....but she is always pissed, and always gets me pissed. She keeps apologizing to me randomly saying things are gonna get better but Im sick of it...really i am. I think I am one of those boyfriends that you dont find often, I seriously drop everything for her and treat her so well. When I do something that she doesnt like she flips out. And when she does something I dont like I try so hard to suck it up. I DONT KNOW....I just think I deserve more respect then what Im receiving. I gave up on even calling her anymore because I dont want to get my hopes up, If i dont call her I cant get mad at her. whatever Ill figure something out. I think my patience has ran out though...Im not happy at all right now. we'll see what happens

Blank thoughts: Lose-Lose misery. with or without you. smiles deceive. invisible shield. unwashabe black stains. incomplete. destruction without movement. small heart and a big hole. one hundred and twenty minute hours. headaches and a sore chin. denial with a pinch of false epectations..... these are my thoughts, good or bad. I don't care.

Blank thoughts: Lose-Lose misery. with or without you. smiles deceive. invisible shield. unwashabe black stains. incomplete. destruction without movement. small heart and a big hole. one hundred and twenty minute hours. headaches and a sore chin. denial with a pinch of false epectations..... these are my thoughts, good or bad. I don't care.

Blank thoughts: Lose-Lose misery. with or without you. smiles deceive. invisible shield. unwashabe black stains. incomplete. destruction without movement. small heart and a big hole. one hundred and twenty minute hours. headaches and a sore chin. denial with a pinch of false epectations..... these are my thoughts, good or bad. I don't care.

Wow first off my profile still says Im 18...I never knew I had this thing for so long,lol..... So anyway this is what is ok, down to the point. The girl that I hated the most, at one point in time, fell right into my arms and has stolen my heart. And for so many reasons I couldnt be any happier that she did. I fell in love with her over summer and shes everything that I would want in a girl and more....nice huh? well...She also happens to be my ex from 3 years ago. Yes, yes the one that tore my heart and dumped it in the street...lol. but that was forever and a day ago... I know this is definitely a weird story but It just keeps getting better, hold on... We started talking to each other again and made ammends and stuff last year. But the point is its been like almost 3 months and Im not sure whats going on in this relationship. I keep letting myself fall more and more in love with her(which, isntmy fault, she's just so damn perfect...lol). whats the problem...? Well she goes to UCLA, 2 hours away from. Shes been in Summer school for like a month or so and shool is starting up soon. AAANNNDDDD She parties....hard, which, is fine you know thats what you do in college. Fine until we talked one night and she said that she doesnt want to see me on halloween...again, which is fine. Well fine until she said because she wants to party....lol. Her partying is fine until I feel like its more important then me(well thats how I feel things will end up).. I think our lives are so far apart right now and that the odds are against us. She hasnt done anything wrong I just feel we're in 2 different worlds right now. I want this to work out so bad, probably more then anything else in this world.... I just feel like God is telling me to move on, but I refuse to. And my worst fear is that God gets what God wants. And I know she loves me a lot....I dont know if she loves me as much, but shes not an expressive person. What should I do? I love her... P.S. sorry if this is butchy I just kinda threw this together

Wow first off my profile still says Im 18...I never knew I had this thing for so long,lol..... So anyway this is what is ok, down to the point. The girl that I hated the most, at one point in time, fell right into my arms and has stolen my heart. And for so many reasons I couldnt be any happier that she did. I fell in love with her over summer and shes everything that I would want in a girl and more....nice huh? well...She also happens to be my ex from 3 years ago. Yes, yes the one that tore my heart and dumped it in the street...lol. but that was forever and a day ago... I know this is definitely a weird story but It just keeps getting better, hold on... We started talking to each other again and made ammends and stuff last year. But the point is its been like almost 3 months and Im not sure whats going on in this relationship. I keep letting myself fall more and more in love with her(which, isntmy fault, she's just so damn perfect...lol). whats the problem...? Well she goes to UCLA, 2 hours away from. Shes been in Summer school for like a month or so and shool is starting up soon. AAANNNDDDD She parties....hard, which, is fine you know thats what you do in college. Fine until we talked one night and she said that she doesnt want to see me on halloween...again, which is fine. Well fine until she said because she wants to party....lol. Her partying is fine until I feel like its more important then me(well thats how I feel things will end up).. I think our lives are so far apart right now and that the odds are against us. She hasnt done anything wrong I just feel we're in 2 different worlds right now. I want this to work out so bad, probably more then anything else in this world.... I just feel like God is telling me to move on, but I refuse to. And my worst fear is that God gets what God wants. And I know she loves me a lot....I dont know if she loves me as much, but shes not an expressive person. What should I do? I love her... P.S. sorry if this is butchy I just kinda threw this together

Hey well um let's see...I love college...I've been here for like 3 monthes and it's nothing like high school and theres none of those kingspade/kotton mouth kings fanatic fags, I mean dont get me wrong I listen to them too i just hate the groups that say things like "DGAF"...GROW UP!...I just can't believe how much fun this is...lol I heard Nellie is gonna go to COD, that sucks she's too smart for that and she's gonna miss out but Im excited that Ash is coming out next year...hmm what else is new...oh I'm still single and lovin it...I had a gf for a week but it wasn't for me...I guess Im not the relationship type as far as that concerns me, I love it...lol.too many girls too little time!!!!!!!j/k I think Im gonna play football next year but we'll see. I also think Im gonna change my major to Middle Eastern Studies, I figure if I waste my time researching Palestine so much then I might as well just get paid for it and who knows maybe Ill write my own books someday and I found out that I had 2 very big writers in my family(one of them I guess was a president or something like that for Eygpt)how awesome is that?...and I have some of their unpublished work that my parents had stored away so I could use that as my final thesis...but anywho thats a long time awayand Im too tired to go into it, im going to bed...peace up a town

Well hey wats new...hmm.i just got from Australia a week ago and i did extremely well on the all star team and we took home the gold and i recently went to havasu for my future brother in laws bachler party....um steph broke up with me but its ok i dont think she was right for me anyway, she turned out to be everything i thought she wasnt but its all good cuz im going to college ina month anyways. My sister is getting married in like a week and im stoked. Um i think now im closer to God now that steph and i arent together so thats a good thing i guess...but i hope she does really good for herself cuz she did mean a lot to me. anyway peace up A town, bye!!!!!!!!

Well I'm tired..I'm really tired...I'm tired of people maing fun of me. People laugh and think it's funny that I'm committed to God. You know what, I feel bad for those people who arent... and I do love christian music... I love relient k, FM Static, Chevelle, Underoath, and all those chrstian bands I didnt mention...so seriously everyone can back off...God has done a lot for me. Through him all things are possible, so if I ever get dumped I wont curl in a ball a cry myself to sleep cuz I know I'l never be alone. AAAANNNNDDDDD...I do support my church and I love it, it makes me feel so good.....AAANNNDDDD I DOOOOO wear shirts that support my faith....SO like my favorite shirt says..."I would die tonight for my beliefs"....so I'm not ashamed or embarassed...later! "For God loved this world so much he sent his only begotten son, and whoever believes in him shall not pesh but havre eternal life" -John 3:16

It's great...you know God plays with us...he really does you know?, He wants to test all of us, he throws random things at you to see what your gonna do. For me this year was my break up with my ex., my disappointing football season, 3 broken knuckles, a broken hand, fractured ankle, and overcoming a fighting problem...all of these were big bumps in my path in my eyes. But he knows that you can't do it alone because humans really do suck by themselves, so what he does is throw gaurdian angels down here to guide you..Well one day my sister came up to me and invited me to her church. At first I hesitated then I was like ok whatever...Its been about 3 or 4 months and let me tell you, I haven't been so happy....this church brought me so close to my angels, I can't believe he much closer I am with my sister, ashlee and most important The big cheese himself, God. Then on top of it a month and a half in church I started praying...I told God, hey you know what God I give up on girls. If you want me to have someone to keep me company then I trust in you and I'll humble myself to that and obey it. I told him I love him and I trust his decision....so no joke as I walk out of church that Sunday, after praying...who on this earth do I see...STEPHANIE. So we start talking and hanging out everyday and this week is or one month aniversary. Shes so awesome...anyway I gtg bye everyone....

Well I'm in a really good mood so i thought i would write in this....um life is awesome...I've been having loads of fun lately...I think Stephanie is the best thing thats happened to me at this school. we've been dating for a little while now...its so cool to date someone that my parents actually like...hahahaha. they still make fun of nellie mainly cuz she does drugs and shit now...i hope she finds God in some way. I also feel really bad because like everyone literally talks soooo much shit about her its so sad...even I feel bad for her.its ok though she's still 15..anyway Steph and I ditched school on friday and went to san diego and then mexico it was so much fun...I'm trying so hard to abstain with her...it takes all the will power I've got not to sleep with her but I've done a pretty good job at it, I know God doesn't want me to and he's helping me along the way(...a lot)...Its really hard cuz she's so freaking hot...I've never had a girl that looks like her before so I'm trying real hard to get used to all the guys that hit on her..its no biggie though...lol.its kinda funny. Everyone has been telling what an upgrade its been to go from nellie to steph...but god bless nellie and i hope she sees what everyone else does...

Tonight I, like I do every tuesday, went to youth group. I was playing basketball there after the meeting was over...I sat there by myself...I couldnt stop playing its like I was having so much fun by myself...I havent play in a league in so long and its like I was just thinking of that...but when I was playing I came down on my ankle so hard...It hurt so bad and I got so pissed off...I dont know why I did....but I ran and jumped and just completely dunked the basketball...I haven't done that since like my sophmore or junior year...I dont know how I did it after all my ankle injuries but I did...lol. Afrter I did that I kinda cheered up...I ope God will show me why he did this to my ankles...and show me the path he wants me to follow...I'm kinda lost as of right now

Well Shelli just talked to me today...I feel bad now...I guess Ashlee says things to Elena,I mean I'm not gonna say thats right of Ash...but at the same time I'm not the one to judge her because everyone's guilty of that,and Elena who being the good friend she always was...went and told Nellie. Shelli told me to stop talking crap with Ash but I tried to tell her that we don't...but I didnt know about the Elena situation. So I guess someone told Nellie or something that I still call Nellie my girlfriend...but im pretty sure that I dont because I got over Nellie a loooonnnngggg time ago. Please someone tell me why is it that we broke up but the drama still follows...I dont think about Nellie I dont care who shes with or what she does...I'm serious, its not like I was even happy when I was with her....WHY DOES THE DRAMA STILL FOLLOW ME?...I found God in my life...thats all I need, I'm happy right now I have no need to talk crap about anyone....Why do peopl still think I do?....SO what happens is people spread rumors and Nellie hears them and her being her she believes them....Oh and guess what I heard Nellie still reads this journal so I dont know how much I'm gonna write in this anymore...Its time that everyone gets over themselves....I really dont notice Nellie around school anymore and she needs to stop reading this...I dont care what shelli or what anyone else thinks, we are cool I dont mind them...and Ash needs to stop talking about nellie to Elena...problem solved...everone's happy...

well...i dont know if im in a good or bad mood....someone sent me something i didnt want so i got mad earlier...I wanna go to the gym so bad but I worked 9 hours today i have to get redy cuz im going to a concert tonight...I've been doing things like that with friends cuz like i actually have to do things now that im single...lol..but w/e...I'm happy...oh and guess what...I'm almost under 200 pounds. I was weighting in at almost 225 earlier this year at one point...I like have a six pack again, kinda and I'm getting thicker but its not fat...I'm like healthy again...I think it's cuz you know how when ur with someone for a long time you pick up habits that they do...well I think I was so out of shape cuz like my ex like never went to the gym or she would run like once every two weeks.. and she doesn't watch what she eats....I picked up those habits from her...but since I'm not with her anymore...I'm doing all that again...I'm almost dunking again in basketball too... get pumped... I think what also helped is that I hyavent drank in like almost 2 weeks i think...

OMG...I think friday was the best night of my freaking life....I won tickets to a football game in LA on friday...so mike jeff and i went down ....we jack like 2 12 packs of New Castle beer and a 30 pack of Bud Light.....we fucking drank it on the way down to LA.... We were so fucked up in the staple's center it was unbelievable...we were throwing shit at people and the lady came down and wanted to kick us out so we like kept doing it and before security could get us we left....it was so funny....then like the next thing i remember is being at some strip bar in LA and the hotest cjick in the world is on my lap floppying her tits in my face....lol...omg it was so funny...we did so many dumbass things it was great but i cant type for shit so im just gonna go....oh and guess who's bf tried to cheat on her this weekend?...I'll write it privately later cuz its a secret...

Well I just wrote in this like an hour ago but I'm bored to death...anyway did I mention that this weekend couldn't have got any better...lol. I'm so glad I'm not dead in LA right now...Cuz God was definitely looking out for us that night...you have no idea of some of the shit we did...oh my gosh I'm sooo tired..I've been at the church since like 9 this morning we were moving everything to our new church today so this tuesday at youth group we'll have everything set up at the new church...get pumped..and I'll be able to see Eryn too(like the coolest person in the world...and shes a ACDC freak too.....what more can you ask for in a girl;^)...anyway I'm trying to cut back on drinking...not that i really drink a lot anyway...but when spring break comes im spendin almost all of it in mexico at steves house.....yesssssss...I've been getting a lot closer to God lately...I used to be so close except for like the past year and a half...I've even got ashlee to come to youth group lol...anyway this is the second time ive written in here today...im such a loser.........oh an guess what...I found my "take this to your grave " fall out boy CD...get pumped...i thought i lost it like a month or 2 ago...anyway TTYL...

Morning...Well I just got back from the University of Arizona lastnight. I thought that I was gonna fall asleep while I was driving and crash(prolly would've made my Ex happy if I did...lol)That school is so sick...The girls were sooooooooooooo hot I don't even know where to begin. I can't wait to go there...the school is really big too...Im just pumped I'm going to college, lol, I just don't want to be a bum lol...I dont want to stay in the desert like a lot of people do and turn into a loser...omg if being single is this fun now I can only imagine what it's gonna be like next year... especially since I'll have a house to myself to do whatever the fuck I want to do....oh and get this, Ashlee has been dying to go to U of A also, my parents want her to move in with me,lol...I thought that was pretty cool, I thought that was weird though I dont think my parents ever wanted me to be so close with a girl...it's weird...I was in a relationship for like almost a year and a half and they never showed any hospitality like that to her....but they do with ashlee and Im not even in a relationship with her...I;m so excited to go....but sometimes I'll admit it sucks to try to go to sleep when memories that can't be forgotten fly around in my head and drive me crazy or mad....but fuck it... I'm happy, and she's stuck in that mess...lol. whenever I get like this I just go over to ashlee's and play billards...

It was so fun lastnight, Shteve, Nick, Ashlee, Katie Mattews, and I hung out all night...around 10 we snuck into some country club pool thing and went hot tubbing. It was fun...Ashlee left early adn nick didnt stay for too long either..But I had fun with just shteve and Katie...We stayed until like almost 1...lol...we're freakin losers...my mom got pissed at me cuz icame home at like 1:30 wearing nothing but a pair of basketball shorts that i dont even remember how the hell i got them...lol....Today Jeremy is coming back down from CSUSO and we're probably gonna go get fucked up...lol...get pumped lol. I think this time we're gonna go down to palm springs though cuz Im sick of Palm Desert....any way gtg, later