My lovely cousin Kristen and I decided that we wanted to go shopping in Charleston since the mall is much better up there and there are many more outlets and stores and shoppes, etc. We planned it all out. We were going to get up super early, go shopping, grab a bite to eat, then make it back to Beckley in enough time to meet Bethany and Stacy at Rio for our Brooks ladies outing later that evening. I expected getting up early to be the most difficult part of my day since I stayed up late the night before, but I woke up surprisingly alert and ready to start my day. So that part was fine and the rest of the day was going to be awesome. Little did I know.... So I took a shower, started drying my hair and then suddenly felt sick. I had stuffed my face with a 12" sub the night before so I thought that had to have been the problem. I was right...because the more I thought of it the more sick I felt which eventually led to the close friendship I made with my toilet. I'll spare the awesome details of that. But anyway, after that was over I felt fine and I still wanted to go. Kristen zoomed up the hill in the Blue Bullet (LOL ) and we were off. We didn't make it too far until I was sick again and had to stop at Go-Mart of all places. Anyone who knows me knows I am the girl with my sleeve wrapped around my hand whenever I open doors and the person who won't drink after anyone no matter what...so getting sick there and in that bathroom was a dream come true for me. Ha! Anyway, Kristen was so kind and considerate that she asked the young man working to lend us a trashbag since we were traveling and I was sick. He did and we were off once again....only to make it to the BP Station (LOL which is like 2 seconds from Go-Mart)...this should have been the turning point in my head to decide to just go back home but I was determined to go to the Town Center and get it done...sooo after he gave us a CLEAR trashbag (who does that?) and a HUGE roll of papertowels, we hopped onto the Interstate and our day was ahead of us...with the worst part thought to be behind us. The whole way to Charleston my stomach was just churning and I felt awful. I cannot even describe how horrible I felt. The way down my window was open blasting in cold air on Kristen while she drove the illegal bullet and tried to make sure I was okay and that her driving skills were top-notch, I am still shocked we weren't pulled over for the expired sticker. Anyway, I tried to stay very still but all the turns and loops in the roads once we got to Charleston got to me and the wonderful clear trashbag came in handy for me. Poor Kristen hahaha . Anyway, I started to feel okay and we concluded that yes we could go to the mall and stay for just a bit but if I started to feel sick again we would just leave and go to Kristen's house in Cross Lanes. (which is like 10-15 minutes out of Charleston) We got to the mall and parked and talked about how sweet the woman taking the parking money was. We walked inside and it immediately hit me again. I was so ticked off! We kindof panicked because I didn't want to be the person who throws up in the middle of the mall and Kristen didn't want to be the girl WITH that person, so we ran up the escalator to the Food Court (which made things so much better for me), and into the bathrooms where we stayed for the next 20-30 minutes. At this point I was honestly feeling VERY sick and bizarre. I was extremely hot, I was shaking uncontrollably and my head was spinning...my chest felt as though it would explode. I started crying and asked Kristen to call everyone at home and have them to pray for me. She didn't hear me so I then proceeded to yell at her from my stall and tell her to hurry and call them and have someone annointed for me. Everyone in the bathroom was so scared of us! They thought we were in a cult. hahahaaaa. After all of this went down, I busted out and told Kristen that I didn't know what to do and that I was scared and I had never felt that way before. I wanted to go to her house and lie down. We only made it to the Food Court and I had to sit down again at the table. There was something about standing up and walking that made things 10 times worse. So Kristen knocks on the window of the Senior Citizen Services office (lol!) on the upper floor and asks them to come to the door. They finally did and she told them that I was very sick and wanted to know about a mall office or nurse of some sort for these kinds of things. A guy, a really nice fellow named Jimmy, came out and talked to me for a while...he could tell I was very sick and asked the woman to call the Nurse's office (it was on the first floor) so they could come check me out and see what was wrong. Well, she came back a few minutes later and told him that they simply just really weren't that concerned and treated the issue how they always do. The next thing I heard are the words I wish I could erase from the whole experience...."Call 911." I can't believe Jimmy said that! Kristen and I were both like Oh my gosh...NOOO!! But before we could put a stop to it, the lady was back in the office and there was no way for us to get in. (the doors have the security code locks) Whenever she came back out she said they should be there anytime and of course, what happens next?? A mall cop, two paramedics and a MASSIVE stretcher come flying down the Food Court towards us. Another 'common knowledge' thing about me is that I absolutely despise being the center of attention. I can't stand it. But here I was, sitting at a table on the 3rd floor of the Town Center, barely able to keep my head up, surrounded by everyone. I was so mad! At this point I am just simply asking God not to let me get sick because I was beginning to feel that way again. I thought the worst was over. I still couldn't get over the stretcher. But at about the same time that thought went through my mind, I heard another commotion behind me and my embarrassment seriously couldn't have gotten worse. A situation like this couldn't be complete without a few firefighters busting onto the scene, right? That's exactly what happened and I wanted to die. I couldn't do anything but just look at them and apologize. They kind of just looked at me and turned and left. lol. They hated my guts. The whole time all of this was going on, Kristen was on the phone trying to explain it all and neither of us could believe how ridiculous our day was. I was sick, mad and trying not to laugh at the same time. I'm serious, this would only happen to me. Right before they packed up their stuff and left, the guy paramedic asked me to stand up because I was very shaky and he wanted to make sure I was alright before they headed out. This just set if off again and immediately after they left I was bound for the restroom again. We FINALLY made it downstairs and to the parking garage but of all times couldn't find the blue bullet. We walked around and I felt like we were in the episode of Seinfeld when they lose their car. We eventually found it, one floor up, and were off. I only got sick once more after that. The poor clear trashbag was skanked out to the max. I was so, so happy to arrive at Kristen's house and lay down for a bit. I can only thank God, and Kristen's rendition of 'My Heart Will Go On' on her keyboard, for touching me, because once we were at her house, I felt 100% better. I actually felt great. Everyone thinks I may have had a touch of food poisoning from the night before and just had to rid my system of it all. I will never, ever eat another turkey sub from Subway. That basically sums up my daytrip to Charleston. I really enjoyed having to go through Lester on the way home because of the chemical spill. Being extremely nervous and scared of the psycho Lester-cop only added to it all. Oh, and I love Kristen more than she knows.

the last time i wrote seems like such a long time ago. i actually cannot believe just how long it really has been. i had forgotten my password on here and could not remember it to save my life. i never check my e-mail, being the deciding factor in cleaning out my inbox of 300 some new messages. whenever i was going through each page deleting junk mail, i saw a message from sitdiary confirming my password change. i was so happy! i have missed writing. things with me are going exceptionally well. life is good. i'm getting ready to go back to school, there is an amazing opportunity knocking on my door... and lance and i are still together. he has become a very major part of my life. i'm not 100% positive about the school thing yet.. i called and have to schedule an appointment. probably sometime within the next few weeks. if i decide to go, i'm thinking this spring would be the best time. i have never felt as though my worth is held in my attending school, and i'm not in a huge rush. however, i know it will most definitely be boosted and very much emphasized if i finish up and continue on with it. i'm excited. i am now the Youth Director at church. i enjoy it. it's hard work. it takes complete dedication and sincerity, which is good and a wonderful thing for me. we have had a lot of fun thus far. we have also grown. we're going to Winterfest in Ohio in March. i'm looking forward to it. i think it will be an excellent way to connect with the kids and become more familiar with their likes and preferences concerning worship and fellowship. i really love them all. all i have now are some pictures from the past several months. i'm happy to be on sitdiary again. i can't wait to get back into the swing of things and update regularly. :) :) me with Alec, Ashton, Hunter and Andrew.. they're the sweetest Uggs.. I love him Lindsay's wedding with some beautiful girls! half of the grandkids he looks way too excited.. me & Kristen.. love her here we are again at the Rock-a-Thon two of my favorite people in the world, Bethy & Chris oops, cut off half of his face, haha me

so i'm sitting here at work with a list of contacts to call about possible work opportunites or joint jobs they have available for us, yet i can't reach anyone. it's either music playing for 30 minutes or a machine talking forever or a message about them being out or on another call and for me to call back later. AHH! frustrating. i usually have incredible patience but it's just annoying whenever it's like that with EVERY SINGLE number i dial. i'm thinking about getting a second job at starbucks. it's new in town and they're hiring so i think it would be fun. and i love coffee. of course it won't take precedence over this job.. but it will be something else for me to do and a few extra dollars in mi bolsillo. :) things with Lance are going really well. he's in Indiana right now for a ministerial class. he had originally planned on staying until thursday, but he's coming home tomorrow evening. yay. yesterday i recieved a call from a flower shop verifying my address. they told me they had a "special delivery" for me. whenever they finally arrived at my house (about an hour later) the guy handed me a huge vase filled with 12 beeeeeeyootiful calla lilies.. my favorite. i thought it was for sure from my dads parents or from my 'secret sister' at church, but they were from Lance. he had arranged everything on Saturday before he left. it was such a sweet surprise. they really are beautiful and i love them. the fair is this week and i really want to go just to have something to do and to have a super cheesy t-shirt made like every other year. Lance and i are going to have our names inside of a heart made out of two dolphins jumping with the sunset in the background. LOL, i know. we're going to be so hot. i can't wait to grub down on a huge funnel cake and drink lemonade. i think everyone is going saturday, if at all, since it's the last day so i'm pretty sure that's when we'll be going. i've never been on a ferris wheel and neither has Lance...i think we're both really terrified so we're going to try to overcome our fear..wish us luck. we're all also planning on going to the Biltmore sometime soon. i can't wait. from the pictures it looks absolutely breathtaking. i have noticed that i have no idea how to act whenever a guy hits on me, or even says something in that context. whether it's a friend, an aquaintance, or a complete stranger. i'm not sure if it's because of my shyness or if it's just a complete result of my lack of interest...but whatever the case, it always leads to an embarrassing and awkward conversation/situation/moment. i really hate it. i should probably start at the top of the list again and get back to work. hopefully this time i'll get in touch with someone. hope everyone has a really good day :)

i've been feeling a lot like i've left sitdiary out in the cold and abandoned taking time to write. i miss it. i miss everyone on here. hopefully i'll be able to get back into the swing of things and begin updating regularly like before. i've been so busy though. my summer has been amazing. i am dating someone now. i have a job. i'm going back to school...it seems to me that things can't get better. i know they can though. i'm sure they can get worse too, but for right now this moment is awesome and life is good. :) i started to think about my life and what i wanted and i wasn't doing it and i didn't have it. i know i'm the only person who can make a change, and that's exactly what i have been doing. i'm so happy. i feel good. my ambition and determination is pretty much unstoppable.. i have my sights set high. the best part is that i can totally attain all of my goals and reach them if i keep up my persistence and dedication. and i don't plan on going on hiatus anytime soon. i am certain a small part of it all has been a result of the relationship i'm in. he lifts me up and encourages me and motivates me. we talk about things and i get excited about life and about my future. he is a man of God and one of the most committed people i have ever known. he is entirely devoted to any endeavor he attempts...and i want to be that way too. i truly respect him and think so highly of him. he makes me feel so good about myself and he pushes me forward. i guess i have never had this before, it's foreign to me. i love it :) i just got home from the doctor not too long ago. my kidneys are crazy. i have suffered with bladder infections for a few years now and they are horrible. she gave me some super strong antibiotics so hopefully it should clear things up and take care of everything. i hate going to the doctor more than anything. especially sitting and waiting forever for the doctor to come in. it sucks. thank God for magazines. i'm so excited for fall. i think i've decided that october is my favorite month. i love it! football season makes me happy. i still can't believe it's almost august. this year has flown by already. it's crazy. sometime soon lance (the guy i'm dating) and i are going to take a road trip and find a crate and barrel. i know there are a couple in ohio and pennsylvania so we'll probably hit one of those. i can't wait. ashton mckenna is here so it's time to go take pictures of her eating corn on the cob. it's everywhere. i love sitdiary, i'm glad to be back :)

it's been about a month since i last wrote anything. a lot has been going on. it seems like every weekend i have a wedding to go to. the past 3 weekends have been weddings, and the next two are booked up with another one and a huge reception that has been planned forever. it seems like everyone is getting married. geez. anyway.. things are so wonderful for me right now. i really can't even explain it. but i can honestly say that this is the happiest i have ever been. ever. i feel so good. we finally took the boat out on memorial day and it was just beautiful. it was probably the hottest day we have had so far...the breeze felt awesome. next time i'm going swimming for sure. for years the "beach" part of the lake has been deserted. back in the 70's and 80's it was literally the most popular place around. you had to search and search for a place to lay your blanket down and hang out. whenever we were out we noticed that it has picked back up again and it was packed. i can't wait to go. .....

not a lot has been going on. i've had probably the most unproductive week of my life. strep throat + migraines + kidney problems = no fun. at all. so i've been kindof down and not able to get out. there have been a few changes in my life since i last wrote. not bad changes. i would say nothing major, but it kindof is. the good part though is that i am VERY happy with the outcome. very, very happy. i'll elaborate more later whenever the situation starts unfolding. anyway. Uggs left for a while and i was beginning to think i would never see him again. he finally came back a few days ago. i was so happy. he has cuts and scratches everywhere, so i'm assuming he was out fighting over girls, lol. he has an "appointment" on wednesday, so hopefully that will take care of the problem. lately i've been feeling blah. i don't know what it is. i can't really pinpoint where it's coming from, but i just have this sadness with me. it freaks me out. the best way i can describe it is whenever someone tells me they absolutely care for someone so much, but they can't do anything about it and they just have to live and settle for being best friends with them even though they want so much more. i'm not sure why i associate my feelings with such a situation since i've never had that happen, i just imagine it to feel how i'm feeling now. it's all rather strange. besides that and being sick, i've been good. i'm really thinking about going back to school. recently i have put tons of thought into the idea and i have realized that i really miss school. not campus and not everything going on, but school. learning and speeches and presentations and homework and even studying. right now i would be thrilled to go to a cultural credit event. yeah, i know. haha. there was just way too much going on in my family and in my personal life whenever i was at school and instead of being there to acheive something, it was an escape from reality for me. i couldn't concentrate on anything, so i just lived there and tried to avoid going home or thinking about things going on. that's not how it should be though. i know i need to focus and do it right. i feel as though i'm really ready to now. before i go.. everyone go welcome my friend Will to sitdiary.. he's everwill!! :) Holly

so last night my mom and i were going through a ton of junk from Bethany's old room.. we're trying to finally clear it all out to make it a suitable guest bedroom. there's so much left though that it's taken forever. anyway.. we found a huge pair of old panties.. i'm not sure whose they were, my grandma's maybe? oh and they were clean.. in case you were wondering, lol! so what other choice did we have? we had to take a picture. enjoy! :P

i think yesterday was my most favorite Easter ever. it was such a good day. i can't really write a lot right now... so i'll post a few pictures instead. Bethany & I (i love green!) me, Bethany & Mamma here we are again... my baby love, Ashton, muah!!! adorable, love her!! LOL, my favorite... (being goofy after church)

today i went shopping. yes. i did so well. i also bought a book. the perks of being a wallflower by stephen chbosky. i've been reading it nonstop since i got home. i never fully decide if i like a book or not until i'm past halfway through it. i think it always takes a little while to delve into a good story and set up something worthwhile...so i guess that's my reasoning behind that. overall, today was simply awesome. with the huge exception of my grandmother being sick. something hit her hard today and she looks awful. we're taking her to the doctor tomorrow so hopefully everything is ok. she's too precious to be so sick. i seriously love her more than anything. i think i may make this friends only soon. the only problem with that is that i hardly have friends on here. i like the opinions and input of lots of people so maybe i'll have to build up the friends list then make such an important decision. ha. who's getting in shape? i am. i've been working out the past few weeks and i feel awesome. it shows and i'm getting toned and ready for summer. i can't wait to go to the beach :). my mom is obsessed with antiques, so while bethany and i were shopping today, she went to the new antique store in beckley. she said she would be gone 30 minutes tops, but of course she was there for close to an hour. we felt so gay just walking around after shopping, so we ended up sitting on the benches in the middle of the mall waiting for mom. of course we were harassed by the chick-fil-a cow again. the sad part is that the bench we were on isn't even that close to chick-fil-a. i really wanna know who's underneath the big cow costume. he (or she, eww) never fails to come wave at us and try to give us a hug. it scares me so bad. i'm way too sleepy to be writing on here and i'm getting frustrated. i have written comments to beth and sarah but when i read over them they were so stupid and didn't really make sense...OR they were too long and it cut me off. i'll have to reword them sometime tomorrow. so beth and sarah (if you read this) i'll be leaving you some comments tomorrow :) goodnight ----------------- i finished the book earlier today. i was kindof surprised at how much i enjoyed reading it and how much i have missed reading in general. anyway. it was good. it was like a dawson's creek or felicity episode that's so good and memorable because of the few awesome quotes in it. the whole book wasn't amazing, but the "episode" parts really left a mark on me, so i would recommend it...especially if you like the catcher in the rye. that's one of my favorites :).

next weekend can't get here fast enough. i'll be in ohio friday through sunday for winterfest. i'm excited to go. first of all because of what it's for which is the most obvious reason...but secondly just to get away for a weekend and have some fun. it's going to be awesome. i don't really know what it was, but something happened to me last night. it's like the reality that has been so far behind me finally caught up and hit me hard. it knocked some sense into my head about some things. now i just feel so good. i guess carefree would be the word i would use to describe it. i'm not worried at all about what has had me down for the past almost year of my life. i realized last night that no matter how much i wanted to deny it, it's just not worth it. and that i am worth much more. i've been doing a lot of thinking, and before whenever i would think of marriage i would get so sad. sad because most of my friends and the majority of the people i graduated with are married or have recently been engaged. but whenever i am honest with myself...i'm totally not ready to get married. and i don't want to be married either. i've never been alone. never not dating someone or talking to someone. i need that. i think it will be awesome for me. so i'm going to take in all the splendor of being single and enjoy the time i have to myself and all of the freedom that comes along with it. it's a weird thing. chris was the one who told me just last night that it will happen when it's supposed to and to wait on God. it's odd coming from the person who i dated for 3 years. i mean we JUST broke up...but it makes sense and if he doesn't think i listen to anything he says, he knows now that i do. it SUCKS not being with the person i thought i was going to marry and spend forever with. but why worry about it if that's just how things work out? i mean people break up and get their hearts broken everyday...and i'm no exception. this happens to everyone. but i don't want to be the person who is sad about it a year after it happens. the person who keeps getting hurt over and over again because i just won't let it be. so i'm going to back off and let things happen how they happen. if chris dates someone else or even gets close to another girl and they hang out constantly...it will hurt me, yes...and i'm not going to want to think about it...but just because i won't like it doesn't mean it won't be happening. so why should i put my life on hold and hold out for something whenever every sign i get keeps telling me that it's not going to happen and that there is no hope. so even though yes it is really sad...i feel good about it because i have finally let go of the desperate, panicky feeling. i'm not in control and that's ok. i just have to keep saying that to myself. God has me and will keep me. i know that for sure. so i know i'm going to be ok no matter what the outcome.

today was a lot better than yesterday. i feel good, although the feeling of uneasiness is still with me. blah. i bought two pair of shoes today. i'm happy about it. it always seems to make my day a little more whenever i go out not planning to shop, with no money on me and i come home with something. my mom is awesome and the sweetest woman in the world. she would definitely spoil me if she could. we went to see Kristen at DQ where she works and this woman was acting crazy. she went off over two dollars to the point that they were going to call the police if she didn't leave. she left but went and sat in her van and stared at them for a while. seriously, come on. oh, and i have to note this. today was the first time in my life that i ever ate a hotdog with a weenie on it. it was good, but i think i'll stick with the chili buns. Hank, my cousins pug, slept with me last night. he's so sweet. he likes laying super close and it's funny because if you move, he moves with you. we watched Pride and Prejudice today. i love the story, but the movie isn't as awesome as i expected it to be. Kristens going crazy in her sleep again. i wonder what she's dreaming of and who she is talking to? i'm going to ask her tomorrow. i don't understand why some people wouldn't talk to me at all whenever i was with Chris because they claimed to know that i was serious and in love with him and that it would be disrespectul of them...yet since we've broken up (the day of) they have pretty much bombarded me. isn't it pretty obvious that if i loved someone, i'm not going to get over it that quickly, and i'm definitely not going to consider jumping into another relationship anytime soon? it bothers me and gets on my nerves. it's like i can't be friends with anyone without them coming up to me one day or messaging me or giving me a call to have the dreaded talk..."i have feelings for you, let's try this". i'm not being mean, and if i come across like i am then i hate that. i don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or cause upset, but common sense tells you that's what you're setting yourself up for if you pursue something with me right now. that would be like Chris getting into a relationship with someone from here when he's going back to Stafford in less than two months...pointless. not to mention it would cause very much unnecessary hurt. and it would just be something else to deal with and someone else to add to your past mistakes. i may write more later on, i'm not sure yet. i have a feeling i'll be awake for quite a while so maybe... if not then i'll definitely write about my day tomorrow scatting around Nitro in search of every antique store in the city. Kristen works so it's off antiquing with my mom, great aunt and Kristen's mom. hope it's fun :).

lately i feel like i've been shutting down. i'm very unhappy and seem to be at a stand still. nothing is moving forward. i try to reach out to people, but the ones i want to reach out to don't seem to really care, until someone else reaches down and tries to pick me up. i don't want to be a burden on anyone, but i think everyone needs to feel as though they have someone. a friend. just someone who loves me i guess. it's so easy to assume that your family will be there, and yes they are, but sometimes you just want something besides that bond. i guess someone you know who really cares about you, and not just because of the blood relation. sometimes that feels a little more real. i can honestly say that i have nobody. when it comes down to it though, i could have things a lot worse and be far worse off than i am. and although having someone would help, i know i ultimately have the only one who matters. God. God is a constant for me and i know He will NEVER leave me. i believe in the scripture and it states this plainly. He will never leave nor forsake me. i've been in a sudden state of confusion the past few days. i just feel frantic inside. panicky. i'm worried about myself because i'm usually a happy person. i am normally someone who is ready to laugh at any given time. recently though i am seeing the shades of gray in everything. nothing seems bright to me anymore. and to me, the happiest, most awesome times in life are bright. i'm at my cousins house in Charleston right now. my mom and i thought it was a good idea to just get away from the house for a little while. i think we're staying here about a week. it does feel good to be away. but in all actuality, i haven't escaped anything i wanted to get away from. it followed me here. the same things are still on my mind, still weighing on my heart. i have prayed to God and told him my petition, what i sincerely want and need. if things don't change it is truly just because this, for some reason, is in His divine will for my life. Kristen (my cousin) is talking in her sleep. it's hilarious but a bit scary at the same time. she just busts out talking really loudly. we had a good time today. we got a late start so we didn't do much. Kristen and i went out and bought some stuff for tacos and pud-snacks. then later we went out for krispy kremes. we rented 4 movies. flightplan, elizabethtown, guess who and pride and prejudice. we probably won't be able to watch all of them. anyway, we stopped by 7 eleven for some drinks and the guy working was kindof weird. he was nice but creepy too. i didn't trust him. whenever we left Kristen told me he was taking pictures haha. i actually believed her though. that's why i didn't trust him. i'm not sure what else we're going to be doing while i'm here. a little shopping is in order, so i'm going to try to convince everyone to go. and of course we'll be going out to eat. what's a mini vacation without eating out? that's all i have to say about Charleston for now. i've really been considering going away for a while. i'm thinking the missionary thing would be my best bet. i would get away and also be doing something i love and believe in. i just need time to myself. and although i would constantly be helping others and be surrounded by a million different people...it would be the most awesome thing for me, simply because i would be away from everyone and everything i know. i need to meet new people and surround myself with positive friends. i want to meet intelligent people. people who know what it is to be mature but also to be laid back and have fun. people on their way to being something they want to be. i guess right now i just need some inspiration in my life. i miss Uggs. i love him. i seriously do love him so so much. to some people he's just a pet, no big deal. but to me he's the little living thing that loves me back and depends on me and snuggles with me every night. i can cry in front of him and he's right there cuddling close to me. and for some reason, that always makes me feel better. so wherever i go, if permitted, he's going with me. and by the way, if anyone actually reads this whole thing. first off, nobody feel sorry for me, i hate that and i'm not out for sympathy at all. secondly, and most importantly, to everyone who has left comments, thank you. it's awesome to sign on and read something a total stranger has left just because they're nice enough to take time out and do it. it just means a lot to me.

i've been feeling good. trying to keep my mind off of things hasn't been the easiest task, but i'm doing pretty well. i think i have perfected the art of avoiding what's going on and ignoring how i feel about it. that's probably not the best thing in the world. i was thinking about tv shows vs. reality when it comes to couples and love. the person you have loved so much the whole time ends up being the one you end up with at the end. it's awesome and it was meant to be...but why not NOT waste all of the time in the middle and just be with the person you know you love? i don't know how it usually ends up in real life...if the people normally end up coming back to one another or not...i just think it's sad because although tv and real life and very far apart in truth...the concept of loving someone is the same. it makes me sad to think that i truly love someone but i'm not with him. that i will have to waste so much of my time and he his, just to come full circle and end up together again. felicity loved ben from the beginning and that's who she ended up with in the end. we all know about ross and rachel which in my case i can relate to the most...luke and lorelai, sam and diane from cheers. there are tons more. i guess i've just been watching too much tv. i don't know. this entry is probably totally pointless and i would more than likely delete it and start over, but i'm not going to read over it or proofread. all i know is that i don't want to always settle and be waiting in my heart and in the back of my mind for the person i really want to be with. why not just start things now and be happy and make it work? i'll never understand. that's all for now. time to go shopping. an excellent distraction :).

"Girls are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most guys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt, or simply just putting in the effort it requires to get one from the top. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy...so the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree."

i've been playing hangman on here like crazy. i have zero patience though so it ends up not being so much fun. maybe one of these days i'll beat scott's score. yeah right. the past couple of days have been ok. it has been nonstop which is good for me right now. i need that. justin, jacob, breighanna and courtney left yesterday morning headed back to florida. cathy and al are leaving sometime today. i hate the circumstances that brought us together...but i am so happy we were all able to visit and see each other. it had been almost 10 years since we had all sat down and really visited. i love them and i didn't realize how much i had missed them until now. they want us to come to florida to visit and i think we're actually going to. we would have a blast. probably wouldn't wanna come back. they're coming back in a few weeks to go through June's things and finish up all the business with the funeral and all. jacob, i think, is moving back here for good sometime soon. he loves it here. he says he's going to come back and marry me. lol. and he was my first kiss. on a serious note though, i'm so very happy we got to see them, it was long overdue. lately my chest has been hurting worse than ever. i've had heart problems and i had to wear a heart monitor almost my whole sophomore year of high school, but this time it feels different. i can't really explain it or describe the pain. it worries me though and it scares me when it happens. i know i should get it checked out, and real soon, but i'm kindof afraid to. stupid, i know. i think all boys are the same. well, the dynamic. i know some are just dogs and cheat and lie whereas others are sweethearts and awesome and truly good...but when it comes to wanting to be masculine and tough and attractive, they are adament about it. i think all guys wanna feel like they are in the lead. they want girls to think something of them. i don't really know what i'm trying to say but i have been seeing more and more of it. i think they will go to great lengths to impress and prove something. and the fact is that they don't have to do that. at least for me they don't. it's unnecessary. whenever someone finds out that another person is single, it's like they just pounce on the opportunity. it's like they think you are just free for them to approach and ask out and get involved with. it irritates me, but overwhelms me even more. i feel like i'm going to have a fairly difficult time being single. yes, i'm single now. i don't really want to get into it or talk about it. but i'm not the happiest person in the world right now. things happened SO quickly and i'd rather give it some time before i really acknowledge reality. blahhh. anyway, the reason i think it might be difficult isn't because of me. i am ok with being single. actually, i know it's the best thing for me right now and the last thing i need is to go and jump into something else or even barely get something started whenever things definitely still exist from the last relationship. but i live in a very small town. most everone knows everyone else and as soon as the word gets out it's going to be relentless. i am just not looking forward to it at all. not to mention being asked out or called or approached. i'm simply not ready for that yet so i'm going to try to avoid it at all costs until i am ready. one mistake i have made in my past is not praying about the person i am with. some people may think it sounds silly, but i am convinced God hears every prayer and will help, intervene, bless, etc. i want to take every decision or choice i could possibly make, to Him and feel at peace with it before i proceed. i want to know that it's in His will. i'm ok, just feeling a bit fragile right now. breakups are hard. no matter what. i am not anticipating there being another girl or him developing feelings and a relationship with someone else. but that's the hard part. it always is. don't wanna talk about it too much though. i've been doing an excellent job at staying busy and keeping my mind off of things. so... here are a couple pictures. me, justin, jacob, jessica, bethany breighanna, courtney, bethany, me

ahh i love james blunt. his songs kindof encompass how i've been feeling in the past weeks. a little sad and dreadful but hopeful and inspired at the same time. i've been so melancholy recently. i have been taking time to reflect back on my life during the past 5 years. i know it all has a purpose and as cliche as it sounds, i know it has helped mold and shape the person i am today...but why did there have to be so much hurt and defeat. there have been so many letdowns and obstacles standing in the way of what i feel should have been a normal life for me between the ages of 17 and 22. i can say that i have kept my head up in an incredible way. i had bad days, horrible days, and i still do...but i'm not going to let it get to me and hollow me out inside. i don't want any of my circumstances to take hold of me and make me lose sight of being ok today, because today ensures my future, and i know it's going to be so awesome. last night we found out that my mom's best friends mom died yesterday morning. it came as a shock. someone requested prayer for the family at church. my mom went in the back and sobbed. she's with the family now. they all just got in from florida earlier today. mom went to school with cathy and we grew up with her boys. june (the woman who passed) was always so very nice to us. we played there constantly when we were little. hopefully i'll be able to see justin and jacob soon. i am dreading the services...not only because it's obviously just a sad place to be, but because recently i have been so emotional and with so many other things on my mind, i am just hoping i can hold it together. wish me luck. yesterday i took Lilly and Daisy, two of the cats i had, to their new home. i was so sad about it. i cried just a little. Lilly is the kitten Chris and i picked up forever ago, so she was kindof our pet together. i had to choose though and Uggs has the best personality and loves me, so he was my choice. they went to my second cousins wife who LOVES animals and lives on a farm so i know they'll be happy and treated very well. so that's always a reassuring thought. and i'm fine now :). in more exciting, lame news...tomorrow night i'm going to a high school basketball game. i haven't been to one since i graduated in 2002. my cousins wanna go so my aunt asked mom Bethany and i if we would go so we could all sit together. so...why not. Chris and i got into an awful fight the night before Valentine's Day. i don't think anyone can comprehend the level of awful i'm speaking of. it was bad. we didn't talk until probably close to 6 the next day and agreed to go through with our plans of hanging out for the evening. it turned out to be much better than i had expected. we really had a good time and it was a sweet Valentine's Day. i'm glad it worked out that way. i don't really know what's going on with Matthew. we have talked here and there a few times lately and he just doesn't seem like himself. i'm worried about him. he's so serious now. maybe it's just a little awkward for him whenever we talk now. if anyone wants to know what i'm talking about just ask, although i'm sure nobody cares :). anyway, i need some food so that's all for now. look at my pretty kitties and brag :P. Lilly Daisy Uggs :)

Five things I plan to do before I die: 1. missionary work. 2. raise wonderful, Godly children. 3. preach to the world...T.D. Jakes style... :D. 4. travel, travel, travel. 5. own horses and ducks :). Five things I can do: 1. keep secrets. 2. be extremely loyal. 3. give good, sound advice. 4. make wise decisions. 5. find the humor in anything. Five things I cannot do: 1. make myself cry at any given moment. 2. make brownies without eating half of the mix first. 3. sleep with lights on. 4. tolerate completely obnoxious, immature people. ahhh. 5. go a day without praying and thanking my Lord for all He has done for me. Five things that attract me to the opposite sex: 1. personality (laid back, funny, dorky). 2. confidence, not arrogance. 3. a love for/a true intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. 4. knowing whether or not they could turn into one of my best friends whom i could have fun with and laugh with and hang out with at anytime. 5. when they show a true interest in me and don't care to show me whether we're alone or in front of a million people. Five things I say most often: 1. "pray we have a safe trip" every single day LOL. 2. like. 3. no way man. 4. love you. 5. seriously. Five things I want right now: 1. BK JOE mmmm. 2. nice weather. 3. cherry popsicle. 4. a massage. 5. good sleep. Five things I want TO DO right now: 1. ROAD TRIP!! 2. cuddle up with Uggs. 3. see Chris. 4. be in a hotel with bunches of friends. 5. be working in a dark room. Five of my favorite songs at the moment: 1. The Only Difference - Panic! At The Disco 2. Coming Back For More - Ashlee Simpson 3. Goodbye My Lover - James Blunt 4. Stay - Lisa Loeb (sooo old) 5. Hey There Delilah - Plain White T's Five goals I have set for 2006: 1. run with the gift God has given to me and begin to fulfill His calling. 2. vacation with Chris. 3. accomplish some missionary work. 4. start on a running routine. 5. FINALLY see the dolphins at sunrise at the beach!! Five of my must haves: 1. chapstick/lipgloss. preferably blistex lip fusion...awesome stuff. 2. compact mirror. 3. Bible reading every morning/night. 4. pen and paper or access to one of my blogs. 5. my camera! Five things that make me laugh: 1. SNL skits. 2. the Ron Burgundy voice. 3. silence. 4. the 4 Brooks sisters and their stories! 5. the banjo voice/sparrow whistle. Five things I hate: 1. psycho parents who don't seem to realize that a three year old will act accordingly and that it's not right or appropriate to scream at them and spank them in public for no apparent reason. 2. secretaries, nurses, doctors, anyone who is supposed to be a people person who clearly hates people and are incredibly rude and snappy. 3. girls/guys who get a kick out of coming in between couples and trying to break them up. so lame. God says you will reap what you sow... :). 4. loud, obnoxious, desperate for attention behavior. 5. having one of those super boring days that seem to drag on foreverrrrrrrrrr and you have no idea what's going on or where everyone's at. Five things I love: 1. going out to eat with friends :). 2. a good, intense ballgame. 3. huge family get togethers. 4. feeling the Spirit of God through reading, tv, hard preaching at church, etc. 5. Chris Neigh :) he is wonderful and i love him very much.

a while back i told my mom that i loved the gemstone, peridot. green is my favorite color so of course it would be likely that it's one of my favorite stones. i hadn't told anyone else so you can imagine my surprise and happiness whenever Chris finally gave me the mystery gift last night... mom didn't tell him, he's just that awesome. i guessed it to be a necklace, and i knew for sure whenever i got the Tiffany's box. it wasn't small like a normal ring box, so i laughed in his face in the i told you so kinda way. i seriously was so shocked when i opened it because we had even discussed how i knew it wouldn't be a ring and blahblahblah. i feel like such a dork now. i was so cocky about it, but now i'm oh so happy it wasn't a necklace! i love my new peridot ring :). it's perfect. i'll post pics of mine soon. -Holly

so Chris and i are long over our American Idol fight. lol, how stupid. seriously, it was the most pointless argument ever. anyway, he's on his way here now and we're going out. he's finally giving me the present i have been talking about for months. i convinced him not to torture me by waiting until Valentine's Day, so he's doing it today. but now i kinda feel bad so i told him it's totally up to him and that we should just go ahead and wait til them...but he is deadset on giving it to me today so yay...i can't wait. i'll definitely let you guys know what it is. i'm pretty sure it's a necklace but i could always be wrong. the clues all lead up to one though so maybe not. i guess i'll find out in a few. everyone i know is cheering on the Steelers. i think i'm the only person on team Seahawks. that's no fun...i wanted a cheering partner on Sunday. oh well. i think i may get a haircut. i don't know yet. everyone has told me for years that i would look super cute with a short style but i've always been too scared to do it. i definitely won't take it to dyke spike lengths...but maybe something how Jennifer Aniston's was on Friends when it was short. who knows. i'm just up for a change. recently i have been watching soap operas. i have never watched soaps...but now i get what all the excitement is about. it's totally lame, but now i really want to see what happens every day. the worst one i have been watching is Passions. sometimes i have to change the channel because of how stupid it gets...but i always change it back which makes me feel even more pathetic. i think i'm going to make Chris take me to the library whenever he gets here. the last time we were supposed to go we got into one of our biggest fights. at the time it wasn't even close to being humorous. we were seriously both SO mad and we couldn't stand each other. but now it's so funny thinking back on it. it's in downtown Beckley which isn't big at all, just kindof confusing. Chris couldn't find the turnoff to the libary which made him mad or embarrassed or something so he decided just not to go and turned around and sped away. oh wow i was so upset. i love the library. so hopefully we can find our way today :). gotta go! Holly Brooke :)

apparently American Idol is more important than girlfriends these days. wow. that's pretty gay if you ask me.