sucks some serious assholeness. I hate it. It sucks. Anywho, not much is really new with me. I broke up with the guy I was dating before... need to do some stuff before I finish writing in here. Continue this later. So, it's Valentines Day now. I got flowers and chocolate kisses/hugs from my friend. Nothing from my boyfriend. Anyways... As I was saying earlier, well before I left... I broke up with my boyfriend last Saturday. We got back together last night. He's been wanting me back for awhile now... and yeah... I need to be sane again. Lately I have been so-so emotional and I can't figure out why. The doctor made me get a pregnancy test but see... my cousin's friend went to the same doctor as I and it showed up she wasn't for two months and then finally she got an at-home pregnancy test. (Side note: Jerry Springer is the greatest ever!) It said she was pregnant and yeah. She's like 6 months pregnant now or so and yeah. But yeah... it worries me. Very much. My room mate and I figured it out that I'd be 5 weeks pregnant now, so she figures it would be too soon to tell if I am or not and that it's normal that it would not show up in the test. I have a sist (sp?) on my left ovarie too. Yup yup. Life's greaaaat! =D I go for another ultra-sound on Thursday. *Boooooo* Anywho, I should go and do some school work while the labtop works.

Sometimes I wonder if I should continue to care anymore. People keep doing and saying things to me that make me wonder if they even care about me and if they have ever cared about me. I really, most of the time, think that they haven't. I write my English departmental on Monday and my Social on Wednesday. I'm so nervous. I feel as if there is a buttefly in the pit of my stomache. I feel as if I could puke at any second now. My stomache is like a bottomless pit and it's neverending. Always changing it's mind. I never know what to think it's going to do next. I'm on these pills for a stupid bacterial infection that I got from my Ex. They make me sick to my stomache. It's a pain in the arse. My doctor also put me a long list of food that I can not eat anymore. I almost cried!! I have a new boyfriend. I think I may be insane for moving on too quickly but... I don't know how to explain it. There's just something about him that's just... whoa... and wow. Those are the only other words that I can think of to explain it. I feel like... safe with him. As if we are the only two people on this planet and there's nothing that could stop us from being apart. Last night I spent the night with him at my friend's house. It was so awesome. We felt... so comfortable with eachother and it felt so right as if I belong in his arms. As if we were MEANT for eachother. I haven't felt like this about someone in a long time. I haven't been able to actually fall asleep in someone's arms since my one ex. And that was almost a year ago. Anywho, I should go and get the baby. She's crying again. Lol. Later yall.

o.O I'm a sex pot. =-o I'm bored. Leave me 8237409812347659827502935871 comments and you will recieve... a.... nothing. =) Oh man. Isn't he so kick ass? [Frostie] gave him to me. -Smile- I'm naming him Bob. Bob, is great. I love him. He loves me. BUT he pisses me off, once. And his head will be gone. -Gasp!- -Evil Laughter- Hehe.

I feel so much more alive this past week than I have in months, maybe even years. I came to a lot of realizations the other day. I really need to start living life for myself instead of worrying about what everyone else is thinking. It's about time that I stopped and took a look around and realized that everyone was using me and that most of them, sure some of them did, were only there because they wanted something from me. I also learnt that I don't need a man in my life to make myself feel happy and loved. I am a great person and if noone else can see that... fuck them all. =) Anyways, I don't know what else to say.

I give up. Nothing I do seems to be good enough for anyone anymore. They were all ranting and raving about the fact that I am not "doing anything with my life." So... I did something. Is that good enough for them? No. Never. I will never meet their so called "perfect" requirements. What they do not understand is that I did not just want to waste my time doing something that I'd end up regretting and hating for the rest of my life. I want to be able to know that every morning I'm going to look forward to waking up and beginning a new day. I don't want to take schooling and then find out that, the course was not right for me. That would be a waste of money as far as I'm concerned. I started school at the Hair Academy here. It's a lot of fun. I enjoy waking up and have very little problems doing it too! It's not good enough though. I won't "make anything there." It's not enough money. It'd be a waste and I'm not going to go anywhere in life. Or so they say anyways. Fuck it. Fuck them. Fuck everyone. From now on, I'm not going to listen to a goddamn word that they have to say to me anymore. They can take a flying fucking leap right the hell out of my life. On another note: Dave and I broke up. I finally did it. After I cheated on him like three times.... oops, my bad. He was just really getting to me though. He didn't seem to be interested in me at all, was always 'busy' with only God knows what, or atleast what he calls 'work' and then when he did have free time, all he wanted to do was hang out with HIS friends. Fuck mine, they aren't good enough to him. Blah, blah, blah and fuck him blah! Yup. I don't know. I'm done writing. I'll be back today though. I have more to say.

It amazing what happens in just a short time. In the last month and a half, I have managed to end and begin my life. First of all, I went to visit my dad for Christmas and ended up getting a job offer, which I turned down. My dream job... wow. What the fuck was I thinking? Oh... right... school. Haha. Well, anyways... getting the job offer got thinking a heck of a lot and I decided that my best bet would be to go to school first. So! As of March 6th, 2006 I will be an official student of the Hair Design Academy right here in little ol' Moose Balls, Saskatchewan, Canada! Yay! I'm still not too sure that I made the right decision but I pray to God that it is. I think I probably do need some time to unwind and let loose a little though. There isn't one single person on this entire planet that can be sure of any decision that they make so atleast I know that it's not just me that is walking around totally confused and with a dazzed look on their face. Haha. Another change I made... was to break up with Dave. I just just did that last night and I'm still not ready to quite talk about it but I figure why the hell not?! So, I'm going to. For the past month, or more, all he's been doing is working and wanting to spend time with his friends. So fine whatever, fuck him and his stupid ass friends. Wait, no damnit! I told myself I'd be a good girl this breakup and act mature and responsible about it. Heh. Well I guess everyone gets to have their venting moments. And right now is mine. I don't know. It just felt to me that he wasn't ready to be in a relationship. He's got to much on his plate right now, just as I do, and the last thing either of needed was someone else getting in the way. I'd rather just be friends with him and know that I'm going to enjoy my time spent with him instead of fighting with him or arguing about something completely stupid and pointless. The way that I look at it, I need some me time. I'm young, dumb and full of cum (haha). I'm not ready for a full time committed relationship. I want to be able to explore my options freely without feeling guiltly about it or cheating on someone... for that matter. I just want everyone to be happy and noone's feelings to get hurt in the end. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLL, I'm done talking about Dave. I have another dilemia that I need to rant and rave about... Okay so, I was over at my grandmother's the other day and we were talking about a past relationship of mine. My grandma is like in love with this ex of mine and thinks that him and I should get back together. But anyways, she asked me the quick questions (where someone asks you like a group of questions as fast as possible and you have to answer them with the first response that pops into your head) about my relationship with Dave, Terry and how I feel. Well it turns out that I still have feelings for Terry... as a matter of fact, I'm finding that I'm falling for him. Not as hard as I usually do though, thank God. It seems to be like a slow process. Which is good. Well, I told him yesterday about my feelings for him. He told me he feels the same way about me but he also isn't quite sure what he wants right now. So, he said we will just take it easy. We both need 'me' time, especially me since I haven't really had much of it. I don't know though. Terry is just so easy to talk to. Maybe I just enjoy his friendship a lot. He's always been there for me, even when we weren't a couple and I have a feeling that he'll probably always be here for me. He's a great guy. I love him... a lot. To think of him with someone else, makes me wonder if I'd be able to handle it. I couldn't when I found out about him and Amber. I just about went nuts. Hah. Look at me, I'm getting all territorial about someone and he's not even 'mine' damn that sucks. It's hard for me. I enjoy being in a relationship because it gives me someone to hold and to love and that loves me in return. I guess I just thrive on someone else a little too much. I need to learn to rely on myself and be more independant, I guess. I think that going to school will give me a chance to do that. I'm going to stay living at my uncles until I've been in school for awhile. Then I'll see how the money situation is and if I'll need a job or a roommate... Yeah... I think I'm done writing for now. I'll probably be writing in here a lot more now. So, keep tuned for new entries by moi.

Okay so Dave and I have been dating for quite awhile now... and he told me last week that he loves me. It was so cute but I was so scared that I didn't know what to say to him. Anyways, though I told him later on that I love him too. Things are going to great between us. It's scaring me though... I'm just waiting for something to go wrong. Sure we have our fights and stuff but we always get over them and they are usually just little ones. My dad and I are always fighting lately though. He doesn't agree with Dave's age but whatever. He tried to get me to break up with him. I refuse to do so though. I'm finally happy for once in a long time. If he can't see that then he's stupid. Anyways, I decided against rehab for now... I might reconsider is after christmas though. Anyways, I'm off to do whatevers!

So... I've been seeing a psychologist. I only went to her once so far. In the hour, only an hour!!, that I was there... she came up with the conclusion- I should think about going into rehab. Now, I'm 19 and living life to the fullest. So what if I've made a few mistakes in the past and I sometimes feel the urge to have a few drinks or smoke a little bit of pot. It's scary though... because lately... it's been alot instead of a little. I'm high pretty much every single day... no.. wait, not pretty much... I am. If I'm not high during the day... I am at night for the most part of it anyways. That is besides the point though. Where in the past few months did I start to begin to have a problem? Or atleast enough of a problem to have to go to rehab? It's a scary thought... especially for someone my age. It almost makes me feel like I'm crazy or something. I don't know. I've been really depressed lately though. The doctors feel that it's chronic depression. They put me on some "happy" anti-depressant pills and figured that and talking to someone "about my problems" would help and make it all better. But by talking to someone "About my problems" they just realized that it's "worse" than what they thought. So, they figure that by sending me to rehab that it will make me all better and I will come back all better. Hah. Not. I've seen people and know people who have gone to rehab and they weren't nearly as far gone as "they" think I am. They just went right back to the drugs and the drinking, but even harder. I don't know... I just don't know. Everything just seems to be going all wrong for me... but then again, some things are going allright. Like Dave... he's great. Such an awesome person. So caring, understanding, loving, kind, generous, sweet... and he worships the ground I walk on. He seems to believe that I am perfect in every single way. He told me that I don't need to change a thing about myself. That the way I am is how I should always be. He told me that my blunt and crazy outgoing personality is what attracted him in the first place and he would just be unattracted to me if I changed it at all. I dunno... I think I'm going to go now though... I'm feeling tired... need to have a power shower so I can get some energy and get ready for the rest of the day (seeing that it's already 5 now lol).

Hmm... long time no see... Haven't been on here in awhile... can anyone tell me why it is that I have no friends anymore?! =( Not much is new. Decided not to move to Edmonton. Got pregnant, miscarried. Going to the Hair Academy intown in April... couldn't get in any sooner... sucks. Single... again... lovin and hatin it. Uhm... not much is new. Moving into a friends house again to be her Nanny. Much fun. Hah. Uhm yeah. That's all. Bye.

So, it's 9am here in good old Moose Juice, Sasquatchewan, Canadianan and I am back to report a few new things about little ol' moi. So, I am offically done school now. I graduated on June 10th, 2004 from Briercrest School, located in Briercrest, Sasquatchewan, Canadianan. I am single... =D and loving it. I was seeing a couple guys awhile ago but that stopped becaues of... differences... as in me wanting to expand my horizons more and explore my options... which is exactly what I am doing and loving it every single bit. I have been going to the bar here in town, called the Royal, quite a bit lately. I am there pretty much every Thursday, Friday and Saturday night. I am not an alcoholic though so =P at yall. I am often the one being stuck with the designated driver duty but the past few months have been a blast... and a blur. Time has just been going by so fast that I feel as if I am stuck in a tornado and I do not know when it is going to let me down. I am having the "time of my life" right now and it's awesome. I've been meeting lots of new people and revisiting a few of my old friends. Life is pretty much just peachy keenness for me right. Everything is going just as I want it to. I even got accepted for my massage therapy classes as Grant MacEwan in Edmonton and my transfer classes at the University of Alberta for when I am done massage therapy. But yeah... enough about me... I'm sleepy a bit and ready to go outside and tan the day away!!! Cheers all. Much love from the above. PeAcE OuT -GoDdEsS-

is what this planet is. I couldn't even go to school today. I think I'll just end up quitting and being a bum. Working at Movie Gallery for 6.65 an hour for the rest of my life. I hate life. Let me out of this box, God. I do not want to live anymore. I am just so incredibly sick of this and everything else. When will life just end? NoW?!

is a serious pain in the arse. My boyfriend asked me the other day if it was true that when a girl kisses a guy, it's a sign of affection. Then last night, laying in bed, he asked me if I thought it was a sign of affection when he ran his hands through my hair or vice versa. =/ If I wanted to show affection, I'd give him a hug. Not a kiss, or anything like that. Anywho, not much is new around here. School is about the same. Pretty boring. Oh well, just think! Only 4 months left! Speaking of months left, only one month and two days until my birthday. My roommate found me a job, well possibly. I'll get 9 dollars an hour working as a secretary for her bishop at her church, part time hours though of course. I'll only have to work from like 6 to 10 or so. He asked her if I had good typing skills and such. She told him that I'm constantly on the computer tapping away at the keyboard. Lol. I also might move to the upstairs suite sometime in April if everything works out for me. Hopefully, it does. It's not that I don't like living down here, but it'd be nice to have a little bit more privacy. Plus, I'd probably be down here a heck of a lot anyways. Now, all I need to do is work towards getting myself a used car. I wonder if my cousin would let me use hers for awhile once they get their new one, that way I don't have to feel like a burden on Amanda and Rob by using theirs all the time. Anywho, I'm tired. So I think I'll go take a nap or something or other.

Me! That was sooooooooooooooooo long ago. Like two years ago! =o Time flies by like crazy. I'm getting more pictures soon. So I'm going to be adding recent ones! Fucking hawt as hell. Makes me wanna drool all over the place!!! This is moi! Yay! Like from Tuesday. =)

He got his ass kicked by a girl. What a pussy ass little bitch!!! Guess yall are wondering who got their ass kicked by a girl. Well, my cousin's boyfriend! That's who. And I bet you're wondering even more WHO'S THE GIRL?! Well....... ME!!!! Little 5 foot nothing, 90lbs soaking wet me! I'll start from the beginning. Saturday morning I got a phone call that woke me up from my cousin. She was bawling her eyes out because her boyfriend left the night before and didn't come home. It was like almost 12 so she was really worried about him. So, when my roommate got back I went over to my cousins house. Then my cousin, Shannon found out where her boyfriend, Steve, was. She got her friend, Ashley, to go over to the place where he might be and see if her car was there. It was. So, she got her friend to take her up there so she could get the car. Then when she came back she kept trying to call the cell whos house he was at. Finally someone answered the phone and said he went to work at some... place. That doesn't even exist. Then they changed the story and said he working at XL Beef and what do you know? My dad works there too, so unless he was at work this morning. Steve's friend was lying. So Shannon called my dad and my dad said there was noone called into work that morning. So Shannon then called XL Beef and they said the same thing. So, Shannon called my dad back and got him to come over so we could all go up and find Steve. My dad came over so she didn't have to worry about not locking the doors and having someone come in and take something. So yeah!! Shannon, Ashley and I all went over to Steve's friend, Greg's house. When Shannon and I got up to the door we looked into the living room and Steve had his arm draping over the back of some girl's shoulders. Which set my cousin off and she went insane and tried to kick the door open because no one would open it. So, I started to yell at Steve to open the fucking door before I knocked it the FUCK DOWN! Then my cousin and I both tried to punch the glass, which hurt but I didn't care, so Steve came and opened the door and told us to go away. He'd be home in an hour and didn't appreciate us ruining his fun. He called us bitches but Shannon started to freak on his ass. Then I did, and he got all up in my face and spit in my face. I went nuts and grabbed him by the throat and told him to get the fuck in the car before I did something else. He started to call me on. So I pretty much ran up to him when he was walking away, jumped on his back and started to hit him until he threw me off of him onto the ground. Which pissed my cousin off because I have a bad back and she started to go after him. Then everything was calm and we all got into the car and we were all still yelling and screaming at eachother. Ashley was just driving and watching us and thinking "Wtf?! Crazy son of a bitches" but she was just as worried about Shannon as I was. Then we got back to the apartment and Steve started to freak out on my dad. My dad had done nothing wrong, he was just doing my cousin a favour. Anywho, Steve said something to my dad about me being a slut and trying to get on him the first night we met. Which was true. I was drunk, all the other guys were taken and I decided to say what the hell, why not? I was simply bored and had nothing better to do. =) But I got mad at Steve, told him that it was none of my dad's business. I don't live with him anymore and he doesn't need to know every move that I make. Finish later... =p February 22, 2005 As I was saying Steve was freaking out on my dad and I stepped and told him my dad had nothing to do with any of it. All he was doing was my cousin a favor so we could go and get his drunk lazy mother fucking ass. I then after yelling at him a bit more, started to leave but he followed me out the door-yelling. So I grabbed him by the throat, pushed him up against the wall and slammed him against it with my hands on his throat still. My cousin continued to yell at me to stop but I wouldn't. I couldn't. Something inside me... just snapped. I've wanted to beat the living daylights out of the motherfucker ever since he first hit my cousin and that was the perfect opportunity. If it wasn't for my dad, asking me calmly, to let go of him. I wouldn't have. I started to walk away and he tried to swing at me. So I went home to get Rob, after I yelled at him a millions time. Rob wasn't home... so I got Amanda (who's pregnant... I know, bad of me... but just read) to come and check with me to make sure Shannon was okay and so I wouldn't try to beat the living daylights out of him. We got into the building cause Ashley held the door open for me and then when we tried to get to the door, Steve wouldn't let Shannon open it. Even though you could tell she wanted to. Finally, he opened the doory and threatened to knock down our door if we didn't leave. We said all we wanted was to see that Shannon was okay and make her promise if he hit her, to leave. He said he'd hit her all he fucking wanted to. I told him if he did, he'd be sorry. Which he will be. The neighbour next to them came out to see what all the commotion was and took me and Amanada to the landlord. But he wasn't home. So we made him promise to call the cops. After another screaming match between me and Steve, we left. He called the cops. Well, she did for him but he talked to them. He wanted to press charges against me. The cops won't because I was just defending myself... Yeah. That's about it. I've been in a really weird mood ever since then. I don't know why but yeah. All I want to do is go over there and kick his ass. I guess I was in a weird mood before it happened. I've been sort of... depressed, I guess you could say, lately. I'm not sure about a lot of things... I'm not even sure... that I'm sure about myself anymore. What to do. What to do. I could really use my Smurf right about now. =/ Meh... I'm going now. Bye.

Lalalala. No one loves me! =o No one comments my diary anymore. =( Meh anyways! Hehe. I'm in a good mood. My cousin and I were on MSN and shit last night fucking around with people's heads and one of my old friends from back in the day wa on and we started to fuck with her head and that got us into a big huge dispute. It was great. I should put the email and stuff on here. It's awesome. =D Anywho... went to the doctor today. For an ultrasound. Got a cyst on my left ovary, don't remember if I wrote about it yet. It scares me but at the same time I don't care. Cause yeah! It shouldn't be serious anyways, my mom had one too. But yeah. I'm hungry time to eat.

Devin's an ass. He broke up with me on Jan. 1st. Two fucking days before my grandma's funeral of all times!! Yeah. Guy's suck. But bleh. Felix, an old friend, asked me out last night I guess and I don't remember because I'm sick and on a shit load of meds and yeah, hahaha. I'm such a bitch. Meh, oh well. Anywho, not a heck of a whole lot else to say though. So later all.

So, not a whole lot is new with me. Friday is mine and Devin's three month. Don't think it's going to last til then though. All we ever do is fight so yeah. School is good. Almost done this semester! Woot, woot. Family is okay. My grandma has 4 to 6 weeks yup yup. Cancer is worse now but what can I do about it? Nodda. Well, just thought I'd update a bit. Don't really have a whole lot to say so yeah. I miss yall. Laters. -Sarah

Guess what?! On Sunday it will be mine and Devin's one month! Yippeeeeee! Yup, I'm weird but that's okay. Oh boy, was thanksgiving ever weird! Sunday night I went to my aunts for thanksgiving supper and my grandmother seemed competely fine but then later that night when my other aunt and uncle were bringing her home she had a stroke, went to the hospital, got released later on and then just before she went into her place she had another stroke. She's doing okay now but... the fact that she had two in one night scares the shitless right out of me. Oh well though, what can you do.. eh? So, I got my first English exam back a few days ago... guess what mark I got?! A 89%! Yippee! I got the highest mark in the class. Tehehehe. But yeah anywho. I got a promotion at work too. Hehehe. Things are seeming to look up for me lately, hehe. I am now recieving a whole 7! dollars an hour at work. Going from 6.65/hour to 7/hour is a heck of a lot better if you ask me. And they are considering raising minimum wage too, which means I will be making close to 9 dollars an hour by the end of January. Woo hoo!!!! But yeah, I have to go and meet Devin at his house so later yall... Peace, love and happiness. -Sarah

no brain. But I do have a new boyfriend. *Giggles* His name is Devin and is.... *Inhale*a year younger than me*exhales* But he looks older than me... cause he's a meanie head. But yeah whatever. Can't write much so... not much else is new. Schools fine. Works fine... busy and fine. Lifes great and now I have to jet. I'll comment people back another day... Sidenote: Jaclyn add me to your new diary... damnit!!!! Love ya all!!!!!!!!!!

Oh my fucking good God, I am so mad!!! Hotmail fucking sucks ass!! I couldn't get to a computer for the longest time, until today of course, because I forgot that the public library here in town lets us use the internet here... but anyways, I went to check my email and Hotmail has erased everything off my account because I haven't checked it in soooo long. Okay well anyways, I'm guessing that ya'll have been wondering what I've been up to. Well, not much really. I FINALLY found a job in town. I work at Movie Gallery :-) I'm so proud of myself. Lol. I've been there for like uhm... a month almost now and it's really cool. Also, I started school again last Wednesday. It's boring as hell but oh well, what can you do about it, eh? I only have to go an hour a day and it takes me half an hour just to get out there, lol. That didn't make my father too happy but oh well, at least I'm going and planning on graduating this year. Lol. Last month we found out that my grandmother is sick. She has cancer and it's spread throughout her entire body, so the doctors don't know if they are going to be able to stop it or not with chemo treatment, but they are going to try at least. My cousin is pregnant again. My friend is pregnant too. I thought I was for a while but I'm not. THANK GOD!!! Uhm... what else is new with me? Oh yeah, my dad and I moved into my grandmother's house at the end of August... and she has no long distance... (Note to Jaclyn: Otherwise I would call you... and you too Lindsey!!!!!) I miss yall so fucking much. I can't wait til I can get a computer and get back to email everyone and stuff. I just need to find out everyone's email addresses again... SINCE THEY WERE FUCKING ERASED!! :-( I wrote my ex-boyfriend, Kevin, a letter a little while ago and sent it on Tuesday. I still have Jaclyn's sitting on the table waiting to be mailed since I just finished it last night, Lol. It's way long. Uhm, what else? I don't know... hmm, did I tell yall about my cat? If not, I have a cat!!! His name is Cuddles and he's almost 4 months old now and he's a brat and he's light orange with darker oranger stripes and white on him. He's adorable but a pain in the ass. But yeaaaaah. Hmmm, Shaun and I hooked up a few more times... he's lame. And a dick. He needs to die. *Cue the evil laughter and music in the background* Yup. So, yeah. Well, I should go because I only have like 10 more minutes on the computer and I have other sites to go and see. Love yall and miss yall toooooo!!!! *Hugs-n-kisses-n-such* -Sarah