Ok, so this weekend was amazing. That is the only word to describe it. Yes yes. I am happy. John doesn't seem too depressed, and all is right with the world. For now.

Can't get ahold of John again, and Im really worried. I have been feeling really sick lately. Just bleh. My dad came home from the hospital finally, and he is a lot better. The whole family is happier, and even Wyeth is being civil to me. This can't last long. Jack came down again to help dad for the weekend, and I got a day off to go look for John. I haven't talked to Rhonda yet, and she has been trying to talk to me. Im still really pissed about her doing that to me. But having that opening in my heart where John should be sitting makes me want to do something like that again. Its so much easier when he is here, and I hate myself even more for relying on him like that right now. He has enough troubles of his own. Christmas is fastly approaching, and I hate it. I wouldn't call myself an athiest, but I just don't like this holiday. People get too weird around this time of year. All the shopping and the pushing and the eggnog and the stupid mistletoe that guys OVERUSE. It should be banned or something. I have cramps too. Stupid bloody menstration. Or as Marie Antoinette said, "General Krottendorf is a pain" I love that term. Better then Aunt Flo, or Riding the Crimson Wave, or Riding the Cotton Pony. I just dont like it...who does? I should go, Im really tired, and I plan to sleep in very late. My only worry is John.

I have really never seen John so spitting. His eyes are onyx in rage. He just left in a flurry of pain and such. Janice thought we were having a fight, because of all the yelling. I was just yelling to try to get myself heard. I've been wanting to be with him, but he is so wrapped up in everything with his dad, that I don't think he even notices me there. I'm not angry at him. Just confused.

Today is Turkey Day. I have not eaten a bite. Thanks Rhonda. Thanks a whole lot. One upside on my almost over-dose is, that John is now talking to me. He made me swear to never take, shoot up, swallow, or snort anything Rhonda gives me. I told Janice that I thought I had the stomach food, so she made up a plate for me for later. I love her. John has been here almost all day, and I can't say I don't like it. We watched a movie called Underworld, about vampires and junk. It was pretty good. They said that John's dad's death was suicide, and wont try to investigate. I have never seen him so mad.

I feel a lot better, but there is still this pit of nothingness growing bigger in my stomach. I saw John at school today. Still looking haggard, but not as bad as before. He gave me a half-hearted smile, but I got pushed through the crowd in the rush to second period, and was late as it is. I didn't see him after that. Beth's black eye is more greenish now. Gym was pretty cool though. Matt, Bea, Rhonda, and I just sat in the bleachers surrounding the football feild and got an F for the day. We told some funny stories. Then in the break before the last period for the day we all went under the bleachers and had a smoke. I bought some altoids...and yeah. Im turning into such a rebel(sarcasm).

Woah, its freezing. Im so cold....Im cold? Anyways, thats not the reason why I am sitting here in my pjs still. Its because: 1: Lets face it...its a weekend. 2: Everytime I get dressed, something stupid happens. Seriously, like yesterday. I was contemplating taking a shower and all that junk, so I did. Well, as soon as I put on my shirt, Jack is home to lecture me. 3: You know how when you look your worst, you always manage to run into the person you really really like? Yeah. So my hair is in a sloppy pony tail, and Im wearing my mst ragged pjs. I hope it works. 4: If I get dressed, then Rhonda's gunna pounce on me to go to some party or another, where they play music that shatters your ears, and everyone is plastered. Im not in a plastering mood, sorry. I ran out of reasons... Oh...and has anyone seen those ads on my diary? Love spells? What the fuck is that about? Lol.

So, Jack drove down just to lecture me today. Instead, we started talking about his hell raising school days(he passed with a 4.0) but the teachers hated him. Like pie. you know, 3.14, or whatever it is. Everytime he need to put down pie...he put down "cake", and got it wrong. (I honestly dont see how he could lecture me anyways. I mean, it wasn't my fault Mrs. Wilson was practically begging me to degrade her in English...she did use inncorrect grammer on the board. And the whole business with the morse code I wrote on my desk, so I could pass the term paper cant be counted, because it was the teacher's fault for getting me interested in the first place...besides, I would have failed otherwise, but no...I was, and I quote "putting my good talents to waste, because I didn't aply myself", thats what the princple said) So yeah. Whatever, hypocrite. Rhonda mentioned today that yesterday Beth showed up to school wearing glasses, and in Chem, had to be forced to take them off. Ha! Im good. Still no word from John, and Im really starting to get worried.

Ok...Im grounded, suspended from school for a day, and now the hero of the Jr. and Senior classes. Why? I shall tell you. 1: I ordered a pizza in class. Seriously. I was starving, and I had to skip lunch because of a long test. So, I was in Biology, and when Mr. Kaner went out to get something, I quickly ordered the pizza. So, I got sent to the office and a warning. 2: I got in a fight with Beth. It was her fault, really. I mean, she was instigating, and what else should I have done? Gave her a nice black eye, and got a fistfull of hair as a momento. Frank and Matt are now like...worshiping me. It was hilarious. So, Janice is really angry at me, and Wyeth skirts around me. I got a large lecture from Kevin, and my DAD even called from the hospital to chew me out. It was so totally worth it though. Im not even supposed to be on the computer...oh, damn. Someone's at the door.

Tuesdays are just an extension of mondays. Same old thing in brand new drag. John wasn't there, though. I tried to call(I was gunna hang up if he answered) but the phone kept ringing. I hope he just his headphones on and writing or something. Deep inside though, I know he wasn't. I decided to take up the art of smoking. Cigarettes, that is. Rhonda's foster dad gets them for her, and so she is going to give me half. Newports I think. I dunno. I kind of dabbled in it last year, but I have nothing else to do. No one better comment and say "its bad for you, you can die, lalalala".

Wow, I really really hate school. Even more so now that John and I are fighting. Bea was sick, and I think Matt had a court date for something. Frank wasn't there and so it was just Rhonda and I. One of the air-heads(Steph I think her name is) came up to me while I was rooting around in my locker and said; "So, tell me, did you and John break up? Because he sure is stuck to Beth," then pointed a perfectly manicured finger down the hallway and sure enough, this bitch Beth was completely HANGING on John. I mean it was sickening. John looked pretty fucked up. His hair resembles that of Johnny Depp in Sleepy Hollow, and he looked almost ashen. His eyes were red as well. I don't think he even noticed that Beth was almost eating him. He had this very far away look in his eyes. Why did he even come to school? I didn't go to school for weeks when my mom died(I was only in first grade) but there he was slugging through the day. A huge part of me wanted to comfort him. But the things he said the other night really hurt. I know half of it was in a drunken state, but still. I have been drunk a few times, and each time I knew exactly what was going around me, and remembered everything that happened later on. It took everyone ounce of my self control from punching Beth and trying to comfort John. Beth obviously wasn't trying to. She was just chewing his ear off, the little bitch. I expressed all of this to Rhonda, who got this very curious look on her face. Like she was thinking of something heavy and didn't like it. Then she said; "You know, I heard some stuff that his dad might have been murdered," I was shocked. "Whatdaya mean?" I asked. "I thought his dad died in a car accident." Then Rhonda shook her head. "Autopsy showed there was a lot of narcodics in his system." Then I asked; "Why did they do an autopsy if he died in a car reck?" Rhonda seemed annoyed now at my ignorance. "Because, it was daylight out, there was no one on the road, and all of a sudden he wrapped his car around a tree." I started to finally get it. Then I said; "Maybe he was fiddling with the radio..." Rhonda then took me by my shoulders and shook me; "Sadie!" She yelled, "Are you stupid or something? What would he be doing with a huge amount of horse tranq's in his system? Don't you see it? He was drugged, then fell asleep and hit a tree." I was quiet for a long time. Then, to top off this wonderful day, George comes ambling up to me during break, and drapes his big ape arm over my shoulder. I ducked out of it and turned around to face him with my hands on my hips. "What the hell?" I snap at him. "You're the one who dumped me...so why aren't you leaving me alone?" He simply smirked and said, "I got the feeling that you didn't really like me after we DID IT, and so I said we should have a little break. It was for you." Suddenly it dawned on me. "You just want some more sex," I declared. "I can't say that wouldn't be welcome." he admitted. I glared at him, and turned round to leave. But he grabbed my arm and swung me back around and kissed me. I jerked out of his grasp and slapped him, then said, "Do you want me to break your nose again? Or how about something else that you would...miss." He glared at me, and raised his hand like he was going to back-hand me, then thought better of it and stalked away. I wouldn't have admitted it any other place; but I was shaking when I got to French. Today just sucked and I wished it could be erased from my memory, or never happend. I still get a strange pang in my stomach when thinking of Beth and John. Wow that was a long entry, sorry.

I hate fights. You yell and scream things you usually wouldn't say(except some people) and then have this large lump of guilt hanging in your stomach until you resolve the fight, sometimes you never do. Like this one girl when I was in like...third grade. We used to be best friends, then we fought over me getting sand in her eyes. We never spoke after that. I don't know why that suddenly came to mind. Sometimes the fight can be really petty, like that. Other times it is over something to huge that you don't want to forgive that person. Like George. Got what he wanted and dumped me. I usually wouldn't care about getting dumped. But I finally gave into him(thought I loved him) and next thing I know, I'm dumped. Yeah, anyone would have a hard time getting over that. Yes, I am still ticked about it. Who fucking cares? Wouldn't anyone else be? "Its not like you were raped. You did it on your own accord." Yup, he said that to me. My boyfriend. I suppose you would be bitchy as well if your dad just died. And I really feel for him. I know what it's like to loose a parent. I didn't expect him to start dancing on tabletops or anything. But getting stone cold drunk, and then bitching at me just pisses me off. Am I alone in that thought? I suppose that I had set the premis. I did invite him over, and everyone was out...but come on! All I wanted to do was hang out with this guy that I really really like. So, he comes over and I notice that he is absolutely DRUNK. But he is trying hard not to act it. Next thing I know, we are all making out, and I really didn't want to. Im not a prude, but seriously, I just didn't want it. And then he got pissed. I just told him that I wasn't exactly in the best mental state, and that I didn't know whether he was gunna pull a George. Well, eeeexxxxxcccccuuuuuussssseeee mmmmmmmmmmeeeee. So, then let the screaming begin. He left in a foul mood, and Im in one. I sometimes hate men.

Wow, another update! Woo. John left a Beatles cd here, and now I am listening to this really coolio sweet song called "Here Comes The Sun", I think. My dad is getting out of the hospital in a few days. Jack left back to school, Wyeth is still being a dick, and Kevin is being the only good one of us and doing his homework. I think he wants to be a doctor. The other day I had a really odd fear of dying in my sleep. It passed as quickly as if came, but it left a sort of lingering uneasiness.

I decided to delve a little deeper into all that has been going on of late. As I stated in the last entry, John and I are now going out. He asked me two weeks ago, and it took me about a week just to answer him. I really like him a lot. Im just afraid of being hurt again. He understands and is willing to stand at arms length, yet hug me when I need some arms. Im very open with him, and he says he likes it because most girls expected him to read their minds. I know how he feels. George was like that. Just like I have one person in music I really listen to, so does John. He likes a band called the Beatles. I've heard of them before, and I like the few songs I have heard. There is one, and he played it for me to hear. Its called "Sexy Sadie". I laughed but it doesn't really sound like me. I looked up the words, and stuff on the internet. I go back to school on Thursday, because it was friday when I punched George. John and I were sitting at the one table I usually sit at during lunch, and he was showing me some of his horrific short stories, and I even revleaved one of my poems. George came up to us, and sat down next to me. I tried to ignore him, but he kept putting his hand on my thigh and what not. Finally I shot up and asked him what the hell his problem was. It just then started to rain, and most of the airhead were running for the cafateria(spelling?). George started to say how sorry he was, and how much he loved me and lalalala, and then John started to get pissed. Before John even stood up, I punched George square in the nose. He went running to the office like the little weiner he is. John kissed me and said he hadn't seen such a beautiful punch in years. I said it before, and I will say it again, I really really really like him. Im just afraid of screwing it all up. He is coming over after school to bring me my work, and he is bringing the first three original Star Wars. He says that we are going to watch them, and then tomorrow we will watch the newest three. I have never watched them, but he said they were really good. He says I look like Princess Leigha. Is that how you spell her name? I've never seen it in writing.

I have no clue why I am calling Barnes and Noble. Nurse Jean recomended a book and no one has it. There, I just hung up. WOW, I have not updated in forever. Its just that life got turbulant, and all that. My dad had a heart attack, my step mom almost had a breakdown, me and my brothers kept getting into fights,Rhonnie almost got thrown in jail, Bea broke up with her boyfriend, John asked me out, and I punched George in the nose, getting suspended for five days. I swear, the school board is really stupid if they think this is some form of punishment. I think that is a good sumary of everything that has been going on of late. My dad is still in the hospital, and my step mom is ALWAYS there. Leaving me at the mercy of my brothers. I swaer, I could have killed Wyeth the other day. So I simply grabbed up my coat, threw on my boots, and walked out of the house. I walked around our neighborhood for the longest time, before Rhonda drove by from the police station. They are thinking about moving her to another foster home, on the other side of town. So, she gave me a lift back to my house and when I got there Kevin was all worried where I was, and Wyeth went to his friends house. My dad had gotten so bad that Jack came home from college. I asked him to look at a few of my poems, but he was mostly distracted. I guess I never mentioned what I said to John, huh? I said yes.

I said it once, and I shall say it again; I love Nurse Jean. Yesterday at lunch, Rhonnie was gone, Bea had to go do some extra credit thing, and their boyfriends were all palling around. I went to the nurses office and stayed there with her. She was playing some old folk type music, and one song stuck in my head; Seasons in the Sun. I would never really buy it, or listen to it, but its alright. Nurse Jean kept my brain occupied and told me some cute and funny jokes. Then, later on during our last break, I saw the new guy J again. His name is actually John. But he waved at me. I smiled and walked away. I am just not quite ready for another person. I know it sounds stupid, but its true. I had my heart ripped out(as well as my appendix) and stomped on, and displayed before the whole school. Its not pleasant.

Oh my head hurts. I hate mondays. I might hate them more then George, but its close. I don't even want to write, because I hate monday so much. Ick.

Stayed home, AGAIN. Rhonnie left this morning, saying that she wanted to go see Herald, her foster brother. I swear, I wouldn't put it past her to have a relationship with him. She may be hardcore on the edges, but she is one of the best friends I have. I called the school and asked to talk to Nurse Jean. I quickly blurted that I had the stomach flu. She said; "Dear, I know why you are at home. Just come to school on Monday, and dont worry about it hunnie, most people have put it out of their minds," then we hung up. Sometimes I wish Nurse Jean was my mother, but I do love my step-mum, she has been there through it all. Besides, she introduced me to Blondie, my only music love. Well, Rhonnie gave me a book about pirates, cause she knew I had interest in them. I think I will go curl around a mug of cocoa(spelling?) and read it.

I stayed home again. Rhonda came over, saying that we should form a plan to make George have an "accident". She then gave me a sly wink and mentioned something about new guy J. We watched ER together, drooling over Dr. Carter, and Luca. I am the only person she tells her crushes to. But Frank knows of them. Because I tell him. About a half hour ago, the phone rang. It was Bea, Frank, Matt, and someone else I didn't remember their name, all calling on speakerphone during their break. They said how rumors were flying around about Rhonda beeting up a freshman and sending him to the hospital. She looked pleased with herself. They also said how George was acting like he did nothing, and gave them back my diary, saying that he grabbed it from someone; playng the hero. Im tired, and Rhonnie is blasting some of her music, saying that I should listen to them. Whatever.

My brother is blaring The Doors, and I can't concintrate on the situation at hand. Killing George. He managed to nick my actual diary when he was over here last, and guess who's hands its in now? I don't know; half of the school has read it! My most intimate and dark secrets splayed out for all to read. I might as well just go into the quad naked and lay on the floor going: "Ok, do whatever, look wherever, Im yours,", because its just as bad. If ont worse. *facepalm*. Oh I want to die die die die die. George was sore because I told him that if we aren't going out any more, then he shall expect no sex. He wanted cake, and he wanted to eat it too. But, there is this new kid at school, in my homeroom. His name is like...Joey, or John, or something with a J. He is really good looking, and the usual gaggle of airheads flocked to him, until he plainly stated that he thought they were all ugly, and he hated girls with blonde hair, manicured hands, and boobs that were obviously fake. Yes, we have a few girls at school, mostly seniors, who have gotten boob jobs. But, this J fellow sat by me at lunch. Bea was off with one of her latest catches, and Rhonda was stalking George, I think. But I was alone, at the table in the back of the quad that only I sit at, and he was came up to me, "Excuse me, I was wondering if this seat was taken? You look like the only decent person here. Not fake, I mean," I was so stunned I was like...."humanahumanahumana," but he sat down anyways. He has jet black hair, and dark brown eyes, that I notice become black when he is angry. He isn't all pasty like most of the boys with black hair at my school, but has a complexion. He doesn't like music that much, and he writes short stories, mostly horror. We spent most of the lunch period talking, our pita and whatever the yellow glupm was going to waste. Then George came up and ruined it. He saw me talking with cute J and was all "Why did you run out so fast last night? I thought you rather enjoyed yourself...or were you embarassed by how loud you were?" once again, I was too shocked to speak. Once again, J spoke his mind. He said, "Maybe she ran out so fast because she saw your backne. Maybe you should go get that checked out, it could be cancerous." I laughed so hard that coke nearly flew out my nose. It wasn't as witty as I had heard him speak, and he later told me that he didn't want to waste his vocabulary on someone such as him, but it put George in his place. Thats when he got back at me. During the free period between the second and last class of the day, people kept snickering at me. Rhonda, Frank(her bf), J, Bea, her boytoy Matt, and I were all sitting on the small bluff by the school statue and they would walk by and throw some sort of comment about me. It was the one that really got to me, and thats when I figured out that someone had my diary, because this little weasel of a freshman was all "Did you really see stars with George? Oh..and I don't think that your teddy was watching your perversion, he would surely have puked stuffing," I mean, once again, stupid, but it hurt. Rhonda threw a punch at him, and got carted off to the office. I dunno what I would do without her. Bea, and Matt went to go confront George, and Frank went to go make sure that Rhonda wasn't putting up a fight at the main office. So I was alone with new guy J, who I had only known for one day, but he somehow got into our group...and I was crying. I thought that the embarrasment would never end. He looked at me, and smiled...actually smiled! He said that once, during PE at his old school in Georgia, when he was trying to show off in front of all of the cheerleaders, someone pants him right when he went to do a victory type jump, and everything went down. I was about to scoff, when he quietly mentioned that it was winter. Then I shut my mouth. He said; "Sadie, I don't think I can imagine how it feels to have your most intimate secrets out there, but I can sympathize. Just keep your chin up," and with that, he left. I leaned against Bernie(the statue, as we named him, I honestly have no clue who it is), and closed my eyes. I could still tell that people were walking past and quoting things that I had written, but I was all; whatever. Then, Rhonda came back saying that she had been suspended for the rest of the week(which she enjoys)and needed to get her bags and have me pick up her homework and Bea and Matt walked with me to French. It seems impossible that all that happened TODAY. OH, I still want to die, and I still want to kill George, but I think I feel a bit better, now. What I loser I am.

I hate school. Not because everyone always does...but because I hate it. The only good part of school is Mr. Riek. He is like...the best teacher around. Too bad I only have him for homeroom and Geometry. Greorge was there, strutting around with all of his stupid cronies. He shot me a wink, and walked away. I had to hold Rhonda back, because she was wanting to go jump him for me. Great friend. Always was. But I pointed out how if they wanted to-and I don't put it past them-they could really mess her up. She calmed down. Sometimes, I wish I was Rhonnie. She has waist length black hair and eyes. Her face is like, perfectly shaped. She could have been an elf extra in those crappy movies about those short people. She has a sickeningly good eye for band junk. She is always trying to get me to listen to these bands she finds from the depths of the garbage can, or wherever they spring up from. Some of them only have demo cds. What a weirdo. Most of them are from NY anyways. During lunch I went to the nurses office and asked if I could have an asprin for my cramps. She secretly gave me one; they aren't supposed to hand them out. Nurse Jean is pretty cool. She is all wrinkly, and she lookes like one of those hound dogs with the long ears and all those wrinkles...you know, droopy eyes..Basset hound, or something. And she has silver hair that she braids and wraps around her head...twice. She is so cool. We had a sub in English. I cant even remember his name, but he was like... a student teacher. Some of the other air heads thought he was good looking. If you like the dark and mysterious looks, that is. Im tired, and Bea was supposed to come over and help with my geometry. Worst subject ever, as the Comic Book Guy would say. Teehee.