Anyway, I'm hoping that my absence hasn't been met with overly negative connotations. Life has been good. School was busy, busy, busy... but there's nothing I can't handle. The lack of female contact has been mitigated somewhat by an OkCupid profile and a ladyfriend in Tacoma. No, I didn't meet Tacoma on OkCupid. Just some other girl. Some other sociopath. It turns out, sociopaths are great in bed. Lousy at telling truths, though. The girl was a compulsive liar. As a result, I haven't heard from her in weeks. I just got off vacation, during which I conquered my finals. This week, i'm working at the Lowe's location by my house, covering their inventory. It's inexplicable, but I feel this imposing sense of anguish. No, it's not guilt. Definitely not guilt. But it feels like I'll be alone forever. Like I'll never be close to anyone again. I've grown a rapport with a few classmates. I was even invited to a party. But my parents volunteered me to move a gym floor for a cheer competition. Father summon, son respond. Blargh. He cooks dinner without talking to anyone, and if he's done and we aren't at the table in five minutes he flips out. Or goes passive-aggressive. It's annoying either way. They question why I spend so much time on the computer. The alternative, as I've discussed ad nauseum, is staring at the tv with my brain in stasis. Pawn Stars? Seriously, history channel? wtf? They say the key to finding love is to love oneself. I find this hilarious. I'll end up alone in a 2-bedroom apartment. I'll use one room for myself and maintain a guest bedroom. Occasionally I'll pick up a girl online and bring her back and spend our intimate time in the guest room. Fun times shall be had. Anyway, that's the gist of my life at the moment. I need some dessert. Maybe I'll see you on AIM sometime, jerk =)

Lol, just kidding.

Who in their right mind would miss me?

I don't feel like I'm as close to a particular individual as I should be. Maybe we've both been too busy. Maybe that's a lie. A convenient truth to conceal excuses. I wish I could be open with this particular individual. This very... special young lady. Yes. She's special. To me, anyway. Perhaps not to herself. Then again, I don't feel special to myself, either. I wish I could spend time with her and cut loose. Get to know her again. We used to be close. Again, I just wish we could be close. She probably wouldn't like that.

Follow me, down the streams of the sweat on your body Catch and release, the lure above Come and see how the wind in your hair will feel differently Can't believe the lure was enough... And who knows how this feeling grows? Was it truly worth-- truly worth the starting? And who knows why the engine's blown Was it truly worth-- truly worth the parting? This will be a *really* good song for me someday, hopefully soon. And in case I case I miss the chance: Happy birthday, Michellesaid.

It's entertaining to watch people. Currently I'm on the second floor of the Pub building at Clark, waiting for the remaining 2 hours for the club committee meeting to start. Normally I'd use this time to complete homework, but it turns out I don't have any! Lame. It also turns out this where the social outcasts have congregated and found their own family. There's a girl who was in my writing class last year-- she seems the most normal. Then there's the mostly attractive girl who speaks of nothing but her parent's meth problems and incestuous tendencies. They walk back and forth together, migrating from group to group. I think the one recognizes me, but we'll see. Across from me is the daily Magic game. Either the players are really good, and know how to make games last, or they suck and don't know how to end games. It' shard to tell. Scattered throughout are people like me, getting their homework done before they have to be somewhere. But I don't have any homework. So I watch. It looks like I'm the only one here who's bathed today.

But this ice cream will just *have* to do. A friend asked why I'm so concerned about love. Why I let it destroy me. I can't even begin to dissect why. Why is it so much to ask, to want to give someone everything I have, only to have her do the same, no questions asked? That's terribly phrased. Perhaps that's part of the problem.

Why is it that a person can work hard his entire life chasing practical dreams? Hard work and perseverance are championed as the keys to living a successful, happy life. Then why doesn't it help with the things that really matter? Why does the longing and the chasing, that which works on every other goal, only chase the friendship and the love away?

I've lost myself. I'm not sure where it happened. At this point in my life I'm working my ass off cleaning toilets (how the fuck did that happen?) so I can afford to go to the local community college (so I can get looked down on by all those B-average Affirmative Action All-stars in the Ivy League) all the while trying as hard as I can to stay in shape. I either need to buy or fix a car, which then needs to be registered and insured. On top of it all, I'm supposed to meet, attract, and keep the love of my life. I'm tired of waiting. It makes me sick to my stomach to lie in bed, alone, again, knowing that when I wake up, shit-covered toilets will be waiting for me at work (Clearly, aiming is hard) and I probably won't receive or give any affection. People want what they can't have; girls don't want what they can. I just want to be wanted, but in wanting I've driven those I care about away.

I was sitting here doing daily quests in WoW after work, and while my shaman was floating across Northrend on his flying carpet I just alt-f4'd out of the game, because I couldn't stand to play for another second. There are cookies on the counter; dinner is soon, but I feel I must eat them all the same. My heart feels dysfunctional. The term "heartbroken" was never meant to be literal, I think. I have to force myself to inhale, and when I exhale my depression seems only to deepen. Yet, I am becoming more and more alert, my eyes widening though I make no conscious effort open them. I long for affection, for friendship. Everyone I could call a friend has other friends who are closer, banded by virtue of time or the nature of their relationships. For so long I was the shoulder to cry on, for all of them. Now that they've found happiness or whatever, I'm left no one to turn to. I originally had tomorrow off, but now I'm working at 4-am. My job at a hardware store is my only source of self-appreciation. Occasionally I feel like I belong to a group when I'm at work: then I swiftly realize how sad that is. I'm not contemplating death at all, but my shaman doesn't realize how accidentally dropping a totem causes his carpet to disappear. At least the game is realistic where it counts: A 3000-foot fall means instant death for my shaman, and expensive damage to his gear. They're serving dinner. I'm not hungry. Maybe I'll eat myself to death.

It has a habit of disappearing. I don't know who to talk to about this. It's long, but it pays off. Trust me. I can't sleep at night. I have no control over myself. My scalp itches constantly-- No matter what shampoo I use, antibiotics I take, or whatever, I can never get rid of the acne. My whole body itches, for that matter. When it comes to school, it's at the whim of some overpaid administrator whether I wasted $12,000 in Coos Bay or not. Chances are, the collection company that harassed me for the last 9 months was a scam. Or they could chose to hold my transcript ransom for some other arbitrary reason, and everything I've ever worked and sacrificed for will be gone. And yet I can't stop itching. All the fitness in the world can't keep me in shape. I lay in bed and I feel disgusting. Flesh, oil, stench... mo matter how much I shower and scour myself I can't stop being aware of myself-- how much filth my body produces in a matter of minutes. Just laying there trying to sleep... Work. Doing things for other people in exchange for more money than I could ever spend, but never enough money than is ever useful. If I lived on my own I'd never be able to make rent-- much less pay for school or these loans. Video games bore me-- I play WoW as something to do and a way to keep in touch with my SWOCC friends. The largest portion of my job is building BBQ's for my customers. This lets them cut to the fun part of owning a bbq by ignoring its setup. it feels like that's what I've doomed myself to: Prepping other people's fun. Home. Yeah, I live here. Yeah, I have family to support me. But my mom is bitch who's always looking to pick a fight, and nothing my dad says is positive. So I keep to myself. I listen as my parents fight about who's going to ask me to take out the garbage, who's going to ask me re-bag every piece of garbage Jack scattered across the back yard, and who's going to find the money to let me take said garbage to the dump. I'm in control of nothing around here, except how fast the fudge gets eaten. Games. I've done everything there is for a person to do by himself in that stupid game... to get anywhere now I have to depend on 4,9,24 people to show up, know what they're doing, and not be idiots. That's an incredibly hard thing to pull off. Sometimes it falls together and everything is perfect and fun, or else it falls apart and my poor character spends most of the night licking the floor. Again, depending on other people. Romance. All the girls my age at work are already pregnant. It's fucking frustrating. A few of the older women like to hit on me, but wtf is that about... it's gross. My girlfriend from last summer wants me to start dating her friend, but after she introduced us said friend went on a 3-week trip to Europe. Though, apparently, Sarah's been selling me pretty hard. There was a time when you depended on me. I took it for granted. When I felt you slip, I got rough. That was wrong of me. It's something I must live with for the rest of my life. I am sorry. I think in all the propaganda of the last year I somehow forgot to apologize. Let's not hold it against each other. Maybe now we can both get our hands on the reins. Haha, half the songs on my Zune are from your CD collection. I don't think I could get them off here if I tried.

All this unused space in my bedroom. If i tear out the doors to my closet, my desk fits perfectly: My room is wide open now, and I have a nice little office nook. In the process I discovered what I might call a Cache of Hopeless Love. From my senior year onward, each major holiday netted me a nice little gift from someone special to me. It was never anything big, but always very thoughtful. An uneaten candygram, a photoshopped/MSPaint'd valentine card, a couple christmas cards and a mix cd I still listen to on a regular basis. It was nice to see how the tables have turned, and how valued this person really is. I should really show it more.

I spend most of my thought cycles seeking out refreshment. I'm rarely not drinking something, be it water, Gatorade, coffee, coke, whatever. I feel I could ingest Lake Superior and I still wouldn't be sated. Normally something cold washes down my throat and I get a refreshing chill that starts at my core and breezes out from there, but now my insides stay uncomfortably warm. The constants in my life are few and certain, and this... thirst. This hunger. It extends beyond simple nourishment. I hunger for love, for companionship. The hole where they belong is filling up with fluid, stifling my breath. My heart feels like its too big. Like my lungs are constricting its movement. That's probably bad. Give me someone to love. Give me someone who will give me her heart.

I know, the show will (probably) be back on in the fall, but still! It bothers me. Here we are, we've spent 15-26 hours of our life watching this show, and they have the audacity to leave us with a cliffhanger. It's especially bad when they don't even wrap up any story arcs, just "LOL WAIT TILLNEXT SEASON NOOB." w/e, gtfo.

In other news, I haven't heard from Michelle in like two days!! Coincidence?!

Silversun Pickups. Just read it. Listen, if you can. Time It's not worth my time Moonshine Bleeds into my eyes I still Sleep on the right side Of the white noise Can't leave the scene behind Could I be anything you want me to be And show me the way to be seen [Chorus] Do you see yourself in a crowded room? Do you think I'll snitch? Are you pistol-whipped? Do you step in line or release the glitch? Can you fall asleep with a panic switch? When you see yourself in a crowded room, Do you think I'll snitch? Are you pistol whipped? Do you step in line or release the glitch? Do you think she'll sleep with a panic? And I'll try to hold on tight tonight. Pink slip, inviting me inside. I want to burn skin and brand what once was mine, But the red news came ripping in to fight. If I go anywhere that you want me to go, How do I know you'll still follow? [Chorus] I'm waiting and fading and floating away I'm waiting and fading and floating away I'm waiting and fading and floating away I'm waiting and fading and floating away I'm waiting and fading and floating away Waiting and fading and floating away Waiting and fading and floating away Waiting and fading and flailing and fading [Chorus] Too perfect.

So I got promoted to a full-time position as an Assembler at Lowe's. I have my own lair in the back of Receiving, past where all the overstock appliances are stored, with all of my tools and everything. I'll still be working out on the sales floor occasionally, but my main responsibility is assembly. Today I was asked to fix the blind cutter. Easy-peasy. I could have used a 90-degree L-Bracket, but we didn't have any that were small enough. We do, however, have access to all the raw materials in the store. Do you know how friggin' awesome that is? How that makes all these years of using inferior supplies to fix shit around the house an easily forgotten memory? So awesome.

You can hold your blanket and feel like you've got company. It almost feels like you're not alone, right? Right?

You said you're distancing yourself from me. You do realize that leaves me with exactly 0 close friends, right? STOP IT. Not everyone feels comfortable reaching out to strangers on the internet. Not everyone can post a picture to the internet and have half of fucking myspace say how gorgeous you are. It's not my fault I continually attract losers, liars, and nobodies. Go figure the one person I feel comfortable opening up to and being honest with because she's fucking honest with me wants to distance herself. I've a long ass day tomorrow. The ceiling says I should get some sleep. I would, if it would stop talking....

I turned twenty today. I woke up. I ate breakfast. I drove my sisters all over town. I fucked around on the computer. I went to work. I came home and ate meatloaf. Wtf, meatloaf? It wasn't bad, but it's hardly my favorite. Certainly not the boxed cheesy potatoes and stale greenbeans that went along with it. Anyway. Time to fuck around on the computer some more and watch my 20th birthday tick away with barely a peep.