Somewhere between the lines i slip... Some how i lost my self in all this i dont know how or why this happened but its taken me way too long to realize what damage i have caused. my friends that have supported me are now as distant as ever, and yet they keep trying to help me, and up until today ive heard them but not really listened. i am doing thigs to destroy all i have built up and my expectations and opinions about things are now so incredible distored im a mess... i want to go back to being that fun loving little girl, but it feels like im so tainted and jaded that i just cant ive tried the whole pretending thing and i got burnt out on that, im not that girl anymore but i just want it back. all the lies, love, drugs, friendship, cigaretts, lunch dates, coffee, broken bones, hearts and dream have become jumbled in to one big mess... and thats me i dont kno what i think anymore im out of control i want to find happeniess but my expectations have taken a blow

busy busy busy!!! school, work, applying for school, bry, friends... crazyness do you ever feel like your in a daze adn just going thru the motions... its wierd...

so now everone has been talked to the situation is "under control"... everyone is just pretending nothign ever happened, feelings were never hurt, promises were never broken and lips were never split in two... and its just random that for some reason i cant kiss my bf... hummm white washing things wont make it better... white washing wont make problems go away... when the paint starts to chip... there your problems will be waiting once again...

for those of you that read this... which is basically only kim lol... let me fill you in! I had a mental break down at school on friday, i cried to my councelor all day... Bry and i have been going out for 3 and a half weeks and he makes me happy... he fills that void... he makes me feel pretty, special, needed and one of the most important things in the world... on top of that one of my friends that shall remain nameless was dating his best friend ( i set them up) so the 4 of us were having a blast... homecomming dance sucked... but i had fun anyways and my three "best friends" all went together with thier bfs and eachother and were matching... guess who wasnt... me well its okay... im over it... were all still friends... right... well im too stressed to ask and too scared to know the real answer okay now were up to current time.. The one friend who shall remain nameless has been stressed lately and taken it out on everyone shes never in a good mood, shes always crying, and when she gets mad her bf gets mad and when they get mad... life is hell tonight got out of hand long story short.. this nameless friend wasnt geting her way so of course she started crying... she was taking her problems out on everyone when we decided we had enough... this lead to someone making a comment to her which lead to her bf getting mad at bryson for "provoking her" and they fought... bryson now has a hole in his lip from his tooth... this nameless friend got her way and bry is now at his friend kennys house... the only person that has seen both sides of the story is me... and no on bothers to care about what i think because "im brysons gf adn everything i say will b biased adn to his advantage" they dont see the rude remarks made by this nameless friend, they dont see the faces and gestures, they dont hear the bitching and "all high power" ruthlessness, they dont kno the info that i am privy too... but because i am the gf i cant had a say... this friend is stupid to talk shyt to me about my bf and ive had enought... now i am hearing that a house full of people that are my "so called freinds" and talking shyt about me... they havent heard what i have to say.. and i really had nothing to do wtih it... but because i said im fed up with peoples bull... a house full of my peers are talking about me... about how i have "wronged all of them"... i cant even imagine what thier saying... humm i consider myself a pretty democratic person... i have not raised my voice, i have not done one thing to n e one in that house... i hvae listen when they need to vent, taken care of them when thier sick, listened to them when their crying, gave them my input on tought situations, i have brought then food, bought beer, driven them to god knows where for thier stupid ass boyfriend... i cant image what they have to say about me... and it hurts... i dont want pitty... i am just hurt and venting... i just want to get out of this juvinile place, off to college, away from this petty woe is me im a princess adn dont get me way so jered please kick teh shyt out of n e one i said cuz when im mad you dont get n e .... im done... im straight up done...

Where is everyone? Why have we all fallen apart... what happened... we were all such good friends... everything was great... now it seems like everyone is off doing thier own things which is cool... but some have lost sight of those along the way, brushed them off, or assumed and we would always be there... we wont... we're all graduating this year... then we will all truly go out seperate ways... why disapate now... i miss my friends... or maybe we were never that close to begin with, and now im just realizing that everyone has thier significant other and its better than n e thing i could ever be... what happened...

tired of this scene, tired of the same old routine, beautiful distaster thats what i am i long for a steady hand the epidimy of what you dont want to be i wish i could find a way to break free the only thing i can count on is my insecurity and the stress that i feel on top of me from lord knows where i always stare dreaming of the day this beautiful disaster will go away i dont kno what im after and that makes everything i go till them a waste i am traveling down a road and i have no destination im running on fumes and burning out my hope of this

life changes in a split second... never get comfortable with anything... dont be a pessamist but dont get your head too high in the clouds that you forget reality... ive been brought back down to my level... .not worth it. the end

Im Sorry Im sry i cant keep it together im sry you think you can do it better than me im sry im not up to standards im sry you thinkg you can be a better me im sry you think you kno, the real me thats inside im sry that you could do it better im sry you cant live my life im sry im not perfect im sry i dont care im sry i dont matter im sry that i stare im sry im incompetent im sry im a fraud im sry im a liar im sry im "think im god" im sry i want somethign better im sry that im looking for something thats not there im sry im some what optomistic im sry i wanna change my hair im sry i cant explain my feelings im sry i cant tell you why im sry im insecure im sry i occationally feel as if ill die im sry i want to be enough im sry im not worth it im sry i sometimes cry im sry you dont notice im sry for all these srys im sry for all these fradulent truths you see i just wanna be loved, i just wanna find me... everyone deserves something, no matter who they are everyone deserves a chance, no one is under par i want to be the exception the one to change the rules i wanna be the girl that is never used i wanna be the girl that changed your views i wanna be the one who changed you to belive i wanna be the one who helps pick you up off your knees i wanna be the girl who you choose to call your own to be honest... im tired of the life that i have to call my own...

isnt it wierd how events occur? have u ever really sat and thought about certian actions that lead to other, and so on and so forth? its wierd... to know that in a matters of random moments your life could be completly different. the actions, wether small or big, impact every aspect of our future. one random converstation could lead to a relationship, one wrong turn could lead to death, one mistake could lead to downfall, one unspoken truth could lead to a world full of regret, one word could send you in to blasphemy, one grain to tip the scale, one good day to instant confidence, one bad day could lead to eternal depression.... all it takes is one... and in the end its supposed to come down to one right... how do u kno if ur making the right choices... how do u kno that your perception is off... you dont.. when one thinks about it... we are all risk takers... our actions today refect who we are and who we will be... one wrong choice and our path has completly changed everyday we wake up into the unknown... unknowing of what the day will bring... unaware of the huge choices we are about to make and the experiences we are about to embark on... we are the captians and piolets of our own destiny and we are conquering and being defeated by new things daily... but then again everyone needs a wingman... they're your friends... keep them close... they'll guide you along the way... you can only do things for yourself... but its good to have a person to look behind you for trouble and in front of you for speed bumps... sometimes we just need bumpers to help us bounce back and keep on that treturous path down the lane...

im pretyt sure ive been silently waiting for someone to be my safety net since october im ready to b saved... ...and wait hummm that never comes along ...and when i think it does i get excited and forget that ppl are fucks and arnt how they say or act well ive tried it all: looking waiting pretending i dont care... aler-ego (i.e tyna in this case) thats why u have to wait for someone who is actually genuwine and isnt gonna look at you for sex or just for a girl getting on with other things they actually want you you just want a boy, because if you actually wanted a rrealtionship you would try and focus in on one person and not go out looking for someone else to hook up with. you first need to decide what you want and be set on what you want before you consider the options you have or are interested in ...and secondly, we live in palm desert and were 17...ur life is not over, you have a long time to look for that one guy and sometimes...its not found in palm desert lol ur gonna run into a lot of fuck heads along the way, but ur gonna have to to find the right one me again... ok well i dont even want "that guy"... i just want someone to be there, some one who understands, someone who wants to chill an dhave fun but b cute and sweet, i want someone who will want to see me everyday even tho i cant, i want someone who knows when to hold back adn when not to , i want someone who wants me back... decisions decisions....

...light airy fluttering... That feeling at the pit of your stomach, the contracting of your abs, the feeling that your heart is beating in your throat and stomach at the same time. That feeling that makes you replay past, present, and future situations in your head millions of times. The one that makes you change over and over and over, the one that makes you try to perfect the imperfectable. It makes your clammy hands quiver and your heart pound rapidly. You detest it and at the same time never want it to fade. What gives? It makes you uncontrolably smile outloud... and yet seeminly frown on the inside. You feel as if you will die but if they leave you will never really be alive again! what is going on... what is this beautifuly horrible soft intense frenzie of your stomach? ...... ...... ...... ...... ...... oh yeah. I remember these... They drive you to: second guess, overanalyze, rethink, doubt, love, hate, feel strong, childish, needed, transparent, delicate and vulnerable. note to self: figure out why we love these...

So here is my story... Since only my best friends are the ones that read this im not gunna type the entire thing that leads up to this point and ill be generalizing...so if ur lost... thats why... For the past week, ive been regretting a certian "action" i made that happened to lead to me being drunk, while confronting a rather... "sticky" situation... reguarding the opposite sex. Last night Nell called me and asked if id give her a ride to see jeremy. Well naturally jeremy was at jay, jimmy and mitch's house. Seeing as how im no longer welcomed there i was just going to drop her off and leave. But then i started thinking...(this is always bad) shelli in thought: come to think of it.. i really liked jay... hell i still really like him... i kinda threw away something that i had going for me... just cuz why... cuz i didnt like that fact that he didnt call me? cuz i didnt feel needed enough? but i have it when boys adn needy! but im mad cuz he dindt call enough? he wanted to take me to prom next year... he was thinking of our future... he would make comments like "look at my baby (in to a mirror)... just look at her!" and "ok princess" and "i should have taken you to prom... well there's always next year." why did i ruin that? hummmm... (and shelli thinks on) i really did have the perfect thing going there. not a hard core commitment, no call me 24:7 i wannt kno what ur doing, not oh well i dont care about u, nothing like that. it was perfect for where i wanna be in my life with boys at the moment... right??? or no... but it doesnt matter now cuz he hates me, or so i think... i wanna make things right with him. i want to be his freind. i want to atlead be able to hang out with his friends cuz thier my friends too! i want him to kno im not like that! i want him back... i think... so i picked up nell drove over to the boys and... we sat in my car for 20 min deciding wether i should go in and talk to him, or maybe write him a note and give it to him... or should i have nell give it to him... so i call jeremy and ask him. no help. he says jay will kill me and rip off my head. damnit not the answer i wanted. lets call sean. so i call sean. he says i should and it will be fine. so i do. we stand in front of the door deciding what nells gunna say to him... we decided to give him teh choice to talk to me or not. im outside for what seems to be FOREVER, then jay come out side. ohhhh bad idea i think to myself. i automatically just start rambeling about how im sry and i wanted him to know that and i want to be his friend and i dont expect him to forgive me blah blah blah... he just stares with his arms crossed... uh oh... never good... then he says we should talk about it on the patio... change scene. patio. so now were talking... well actually im doing most of the talking. it ends up being that i made him not trust people ever more, he says we can be friends, i can hang out there, but we can never be the same. i decided to accept that. then we try and make small talk as he finishes his cigarette. i try and think of something profound... something that will save me and the conversation from turning stale... as the cig grows smaller and the glowing red of the cherrie fades... so does my hope. well i came and did what i came to do. i tell him i wont keep him any longer and i get up... we pause and he opens the door. i walk back to his room to say bye to nell... and as i turn to go... there he is... good ole jay... leaning in the hallway. that damn hallway is so small and yet for some reason i find myself longing for it to be just a tid bit snugger... why... he hugs me as i leave... i dont want to let go... i dont... we just stand there for a secong and all i can mummor out is im sry, and i really mean it. i kno he can feel my heart pounding, i just say it again... im sry jay i really am. i cant help but look up at him... what's his expression? does he still care? does he know his sincere i am? wow looking up.. bad idea... i just look at his eyes... fuck stupid stpuid stupid.. god i want to kiss him and he knows it... i just turn to the side and a tiny tear rolls down my face. damn i really fucked up i thank him for his time and walk out... the second my foot hits the door matt i loose it. i get in my car... of course straylight run is on... just my luck... another loss in the book of shelli....

Ive been sick the past couple days and ive had a lot of time to think... A LOT! To put it in perspecitve.. ive been home for 3 days by myself. In this time ive realized a lot of things... 1.you never know exactally what you want 2.your NOT that person so stop comparing and 3. nothing is forever No matter how much you: want pray wish dream cry agonize (fill in the blank)... whatever your vieing for will not just come to you! Life (despite what were taught from the womb) is not a fairy tale. Opportunities and great experiences dont just fall into ur lap, walk in to ur life or appear out of nowhere. If you want something you have to make if happen, YOU have to get up and do something about it! You have to work ur ass off, for even a gleam of your goal being even within reach. And if you even get it, what do u do with it... you cant belive you have it, right... then u squeeze all the life you can out of it.. you never let it out of ur: hand sight touch whatever. Then what... it gets old... or it ends up being just a mirage... not what you thought... or maybe it is.. maybe its everything that you thought it would be... but it doesnt fill that hole... that gapping large space... the place youve been trying to fill but u dont kno exactaly what goes there. Now what... back to the drawing board.. humm more complicated than that.. in ur quest you have involved other: people things situations... now u have no undo them.. haha have fun with that one.. youve now involved feeling and emotion... and thats the worst company of all! Now ur affecting other peoples lives! Good job buddy... good job! Remember nothing is forever... if ur happy now.. it will change... and dont lie to urself and say it wont.. those of u that verify ur life "live in the moment" well what about the next.. what about when stuff turns shitty.. cuz lord knows it will.. what then... are u gunna live in that moment and end up killing urself... nothing is forever except death, NOTHING!!! And for those that are in a shitty situation... it will change... yeah im tired of hearing people say "it will get better" and "fake it till you make it" well im tired of that.. why cant i just give up... but if u give up.. then u lose... then what ever is keeping you down won... and im not down for losing. And when things could get better.. they wont.. becuase uve dug urself such a rather large hole that you cant get out of.. and no one will stop and bend down to lend u and hand... they just wont. So whats the moral.. theres got to be a moral... stop envying those that are happy, thats just rude... be true to ur friends and urself they're all you have live live to the fullest and have no regrets you get fucked over... pull up ur skirt, find ur balls and get up you fuck someone else over, thats life... be nice about it nothing is forever, cherish what u have right now

IM NO CINDERELLA Cast like a shadow on a wall, Forgotten like a glass slipper on a grand marble stair, Small like the horsemen back to thier native attire, Left shattered like the shriviling pumpkin on the gravel, when the clock struck 12 once again. Is this who your looking for? A girl filled with broken promises and just a dull sheen of once randient optimisum. Is this what you hoped to find? Dashed dreams, a sullen face A dim haze of grace. WORK IN PROGRESS