You don't write because you want to say something, you write because you have something to say -F Scott Fitzgerald so todays date is december 12th 2006. a long ways away from when i last wrote in here and i slowly contemplate why that is.. did i simply stop writing because i had nothing to write about? do i think my life is useless and uninteresting? or did i simply just get lazy... lately ive been thinking about my life and what im doing with it and it seems like im always second guessing my choices and decisions...and i dont know why. im feel like im stuck...stuck in what u might ask? i have no clue. its just that feeling of being trapped. i dont know wether its my life or my relationship or this hell hole of a desert that i am stuck in. everytime i visit my friends in college i wish i was out on my own. but to tell you the truth i dont know if thats just because im there seeing it, or if thats what i really really want. i keep myself busy now a days with cheer/dance 3 nights a week and the other 4 im working. now that school is out for xmas i have nothing to do during the days and i feel useless...maybe thats it..i dunno this is probably the most random depressing writing ive done in awhile...i just need help.

so its been exactly a year since ive written in this thing. i come back with new views and many new experiences. one year ago i was hurting...hurting so incredibly bad and i can see it from my entires. im happy to say its not like that anymore and its better than ever. in the past year ive gone through friendships, injuries, death, graduation, cheer teams and arguements. senior year does something to you, it makes you bond closer with your true friends...and causes some people to fall through the cracks and lose touch with who they really belong with. all i know is that i miss the simple days when you were little and nothing mattered. now im gonna have to start a new chapter of my life. i wish i could say im going off to a four year university right away...but im not. i wish i could say i got a cheerleading scholarship...but i didnt. but, i can say that i am doing exactly what i want to do and i am happy. im staying here in the desert and attending COD for the next year or two and then transfering somewhere. im back on mavericks senior elite advanced level 5 team which is kicking my ass. and im still working and just saving, keeping myself on the right track. staying out of the drugs and excessive partying. althought i have to admit ocassionally, i love doing that and i have...but nothing like my sophomore year dont worry! to tell you the truth i still dont know what i want to do when i grow up. from lawyer to real estate agent to interior designer to crime scene investigator to make up artist...im 18 and i have no idea where i wanna go. i thought i did but im just really confused. because i wanna get my associates degree no matter what just to have it. but i realized, if i wanna be a make up artist or real estate agent...i can just go straight to school for that....but i dont know if thats what i want to do. and i dont know how to figure out which one i want to do. lsjdflskdjflaskjfd help! part of my plan is just to win the lotto so i can sit in my amazing house in newport with my mercedes and just lay on the beach and go to the gym all day and then just be able to play the rest of my life...but i know thats a far cry from whats really going to happen. my mom has been driving me nuts lately. yeah my freedom is more there but she has just been making me crazy with all this bad stuff she has to stay about my relationship and how i dont know what im doing. i know perfectly well what im doing. she just thinks its too serious and that if i ever wanted to i wouldnt be able to get out of my relationship. and well, i really dont have a reason to? so why try and find one? so i can go out and fuck around or what? i dont understand where shes coming from. i know shes just watching out for her daughter and i can understand her saying this kind of stuff if i was in a bad and unhealthy relationship...but im not. im in a perfectly happy loving relationship that gives me space. so i really dont know, i try to stay out of those conversations with her. anyway...im gonna go rest b4 cheer kicks my ass later. ***to my friends who are still on this thing...comment me or something! kim i miss you! -krystyna

"Everything falls together eventually. When you least expect it, but just when you need it the most." "The moment you feel like giving up...just remember why you held on for so long." things are getting better. im happy again. :) love is an amazing thing let me tell you. it can break you but and it can also make life so much better. shirleys funeral is on friday, god..its gonna be so hard. last night i was watching fireworks with her family and steves family and her little girl is so adorable. steve and i were watching her play with her dad and it reminded me of my sister because my sister was the age when my dad passed away. steve and his mom cried for a long long time. ive never seen him cry before. i seriously think 4th of julys are just unlucky..really now. nellie and i had this dicussion and something bad as ALWAYS happened on them!! for the past like few years through out high school. gaayyyy anywho...im off to work love love love

"The Sun Will Rise Tomorrow Come What May And You'll Feel Better That You Do Today And In Time You'll Cry No More I Know Cause My Hearts Been There Before ----- Listen To Your Heart And Clear Your Mind And You Will Find The Answer Everytime Every Road You Travel On Will Lead To Where It Is Your Hearts Supposed To Be." ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Ya know, It's amazing how much comfort those 3 words can bring to a person. You know...'I LOVE YOU.' Love can come in so many forms, from boyfriend to girlfriend, husband to wife, mother to daughter, child to puppy, friend to friend. When one expresses love, it just brings so much genuwine happiness. I wish the entire world was like that, you know...just happy, truly happy. I have been truly happy at points in my life, just that feeling.. that sense of comfort and security...and you know, if everyone could just be nice to each other FOR ONCE, I mean...EVERYONE...this world would be such a happier place!! Okay thats my spheel about love lol. So things are getting better. It's amazing how quickly things can change... "Life throws many different things your way but the things you need will come to you when you least expect them...but just when you need them the most." I was talking to Nellie the other night about how nothing was going right and I realized I was being very selfish and cynical about life and I just need to realize that everyone has 'down points' in their lives and just need a break from the world, and in turn...they shut out everyone else. I realized this because I thought back...I thought back and realized that I too, have also had these points in my life and when I did...I didn't want anyone around. I realized Steven was going through a rough time and needed to sort things out for himself. Without me nagging him about it, and without me trying to comfort him...without interuptions and without me worrying about if it was me...which it wasn't. The other night everything turned around, he called me from the beach and it was just wierd how I could tell he was coming back to himself. He got back into town tonight but I was at work, I talked to him on the phone and everything was fine and for the first time in a long time...I heard, I love you. Just those 3 comforting sincere words, I havent been able to hear that from him in so long and it was just so...relieving...just relieving to know everything was going to be ok. I've heard I love you before, from one other boy...and I could tell he didn't mean it. There was no feeling to it, it was just kind of like..Im saying it to say it, I dont mean it. But anywho...On another note.... Stevens family friend that has been dying of cancer passed away tonight. Not even a fucking warning. I met this lady before, Steven took me for dinner over her house once when he had first started going out. She was one of the nicest, happiest, friendliest people Ive met in my life. She just talked to be about how beautiful I was and to Steven about how I was a keeper and on and on and I was just like aww you are so nice. Why do such bad things happen to wonderful people? I honestly dont understand it. As of like 4-5 days ago, the doctor had said she had 3 or 4 weeks to live. And Steves family had planned to do so much with her because there was so much she still wanted to do and stuff and wow...I just dont get it. I know everything happens for a reason, but wow... God bless her family and her little girl. That kinda thing makes me think. There are so many people in this world that take advantage of life and what god has given them and just arent thankful for what they have. And then there were people like her, like Shirley, who are dying of cancer and are still the happiest people around! They cant wait to see what the day brings them and they want to do as much as they possibly can with the time given them. Dont take advantage of your life, live everday to your fullest. Be thankful for what you have and who you love because you never know what lifes gonna bring and what obsticles are going to be thrown your way. Take this as an example and just know that what you have right now...even if you dont like it...there are plenty of people that would love to live the life you are living. God Bless

im so confused.i dont even know what to do with myself right now.things are just so complicated.this always happens to throughout periods of your life.things will be absolutly amazing.so amazing you think wow.this could really get fucked up.and things are too good to be true for awhile because NOTHING in the world could bother you and you are only cloud 9.and then bam.things start going wrong.not necisarily with our relationship because that is just wonderful.but he is going through such a rough time in his life right now that i almost feel helpless.hes the type of person that cant take help from anyone and thats all i want to do.i hope he knows just how much i love him and how i want nothing more for him to open up to me again and just spill everything out because i know its all bottled up inside him right now.this kinda thing happened before and it eventually blew over but he seems so scared.things are just going wrong for him and he feels like hes fucking up and i dont know what to do.nellie gave me a long talk last night and it helped a lot about how thats just how relationships are.but im not used to this.this is the first actual healthy 'relationship' ive ever had.i just dont know what to do in this situation.i know things will go back to the way they used to be.just might take a lil while longer.god please let everything just go back to normal soon.i dont know what to do.

can we just be us again.please.can things just go back to the way they used to be.i know your having a rough time right now in your life but i just want to let you know that IM HERE.im here for you through everything.cant you see that.im right here.please just open back up to me.things will get better i promise.i know you still care.deep down inside.i pray for you.and i pray that life will get easier for you.please let things just go back to the way they were with no more worries.

"I guess it's cause and effect Your heart and mine The way that we connect Keeps blowing my mind There you go again, it never ends What you do to me That I have seen the light of day Love is finally going my way Is it too good to be true Give me one more kiss, one more touch Baby I just can't get enough of you This time, too good is true All of a sudden I'm not who I used to be I had my heart locked But you held the key And you find a way, everyday To show me even more Some people say we're too good to be true But they don't get to be loved by you!" heyy there loves. k so hmm..havent written in here in a long time. ive been doin pretty good just so you all know lol. the last day of school is tomorrow im really excited. ive been applying for new jobs and i have an interview at babes on monday which im really excited about. i wanted a new job so bad. steve is back and everything is back to normal, as of my last few entries when things were a little shady. we had a long talk about everything when he got back and he was just scared he was going to lose me. everything is wonderful now. ive never felt so close to someone in my entire life and this...is gonna last a long long time. :) i could go on and on about it but i know you all dont wanna hear me ramble about how in love i am lol. i met his ex girlfriend the other day. the one of 2 1/2 years that calls him all the time to get weed and rides and stuff and he has too big of a heart to ever say no. we had to give her a ride the other day to a friends house because she got in a fight with her boyfriend so we went and picked her up in my car lol. she was really nice to me, even tho i had be refered to as "steves cheerleader slut" up until this point lol. shes really cute too. but has a baaadddd attitude and does a lot of drugs which just kills it all. later that day i met her dad who was just the nicest person in the world because steve is really good friends with him. we went to la quintas graduation tonight for her and we sat with her parents which was very awkward for me, but steve wanted me to go. i guess her mom doesnt like me too much because she was talking excessivly loud about how she was on the board at palm desert high school and how drugs werent as big of a deal there as la quintas but made it clear that i heard that she knew the palm desert cheerleaders all get drunk and go to parties all the time. i was just like woowww lol are we kidding right now??? but steve wanted me to be there with him so i didnt mind going, it was just wierd. it makes me happy to know that he cares about people so much and how genuwine of a person he is. her new boyfriend is someone i actually know, and is uhmm ...well lets just say she can do better. but anyway, thigns went over well for the most part. steves birthday is on monday, the next weekend im going out of town with him and his family which is a surprise for him which im really excited about. and uhmm thats about all thats new for now.. im gonna go get some sleep talk to you all later, hope everything is going good i love you girls -krystyna

"iT DOESNT MATTER iF THE SONG OF LiFE THAT YOU SiNG iS SiMPLE OR COMPLiCATED. ALL THAT MATTERS iS HOW MUCH YOU PUT iNTO THAT SONG. YOUR LiFE iS CONTROLLED ONLY BY WHAT YOU GiVE iT. YOU WONT GET ANYTHiNG FROM iT iF YOU DONT PUT ANY FEELING iNTO LiFE. THATS WHY PEOPLE FALL iN LOVE. IF THEY GIVE THAT FEELING, THEY GET iT BACK. PUT ALL YOUVE GOT iNTO THiS LiFE, YOU ONLY GET ONE, AND WHEN THE DAY COMES FOR YOU TO PASS ON, YOU WONT REGRET WHAT YOU DiD." OOPS, i HAVENT BEEN KEEPiNG THiS UP AS MUCH AS i THOUGHT i WOULD BE LOL. iVE BEEN SLACKiNG. SO NOTHiNG REALLY NEW. STEVES FiNALLY COMiN BACK TODAY FROM OUTTA TOWN, i GOTTA GO OUT AND FiND SOME SPONSERS FOR CHEER THOUGH WiTH MY MOM BEFORE HE GETS BACK. CHEER iS SO FREAKiNG EXPENSiVE THiS YEAR BECAUSE WE ARE COMPETiNG. WE STARTED HAViNG PRACTiCES WiTH THE NEW TEAM...iTS BEEN...iNTERESTiNG. GRAD. WAS THE OTHER NiGHT, iT WAS SO WiERD KNOWiNG THAT WE WOULD BE iN THAT SAME SPOT NEXT YEAR. LAST NiGHT i WENT TO SHAWNAS HOUSE BECAUSE JENEL WAS HAViNG HER GRAD PARTY, iT WAS FUN. SHAWNA AND i JUST WENT SWiMMiNG WiTH SCOTT AND MY EX BOYFRiEND CODY WHO WAS DOWN WiTH HiS FAMiLY FROM ORANGE COUNTY BECAUSE THEY ARE GOOD FRiENDS WiTH JENELS FAMiLY. iT WAS WiERD, i HAVENT SEEN HiM iN ALMOST 6 MONTHES i THiNK. FUNNY HOW PEOPLE CAN CHANGE, BUT THEN NOT CHANGE AT ALL. ANYWHO, iM OUT...PEACE! _KRYSTYNA_

"In a girl's life she will always have those '3 guys'. The one she loves, the one she hates, and the one she can't get enough of. But all and all, in the end...they are all the same guy." OOpsie! Totally 4got to write in this since I got back lol. Well I'll make that part short n sweet, the plane ride home sucked and I didnt get home till about 8:30. Steve had called me the day before telling me he had to go out of town up to Idaho on buisness with his boss and had to leave the day I got back and I didn't get to see him. :'( Its not Saturday night and he's supposed to be coming home tomorrow thank god. But yesterday I called him and he was acting really really wierd and I was out so he just told me he would call me at midnight when I got home. I asked him what was wrong and he assured me nothing was but I could hear it in his voice. Anyway, midnight rolls around and still no call so I called him got his answering machine and left me a message. Next morning, still no call. His phone has been off all day till now and I havent heard from him which is wierd. Im sure he just like forgot his charger or something and his phones dead, but sorry, im a girlfriend and I do worry...a lot lol. I just care about him so much, Ive never cared about anyone t his much in my entire life. And seeing that I havent seen him in almost 2 weeks now...I am SO LONELY. Hes like my other half and Im not the same person without him. He brings out the best in me and I love it. Ive become such a better person because of him and he has no idea. I dont know where things will go for me and him but we both see a long future ahead of us. :) anyway, tonight was kinda gay. Nellie called me really sad so I burnt her a quick "little kid cd" yanno..the ones with like spice girls and ashlee simpson and aqua on it! haha yeah anyways lol, I went and got her and like any good friend....took her out to get drunk! lol. We went to my friend jacque's party for awhile. It was alright, but Nellie was upset so I was upset cuz I hate seeing my friends sad. We wound up leaving at like 11:30 and here I am! But I am tired as hell so I will be going 2 bed now! xoxo <3 krystyna

"SOMETiMES YOU JUST HAVE TO JUMP OFF THE BRiDGE, HOPING YOULL FiND YOUR WiNGS ON THE WAY DOWN." "DONT BE ASHAMED TO SAY : WHAT YOU ARENT ASHAMED TO THiNK" "iVE BEEN THiNKiNG A LOT LATELY ABOUT TAKiNG CHANCES. AND HOW iTS REALLY JUST ABOUT OVERCOMING YOUR FEARS. BECAUSE THE TRUTH iS... EVERYTiME YOU TAKE A BiG RiSK iN YOUR LiFE, NO MATTER HOW iT ENDS UP, YOURE ALWAYS GLAD YOU TOOK iT." "iTS JUST SOMETHiNG THAT HAPPENS AS YOU GROW UP. YOU REALiZE iTS LESS iMPORTANT TO HAVE MORE FRiENDS AND iTS MORE iMPORTANT TO HAVE REAL ONES." "NEVER BE BULLiED iNTO SiLENCE. NEVER ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE MADE A ViCTiM. ACCEPT NO ONES DEFiNiTiON OF YOURE LiFE; DEFiNE YOURSELF. "SOMETiMES YOU JUST FEEL EVERYTHiNG AND NOTHiNG ALL AT ONCE. SOMETiMES YOULL FiND YOURSELF SMiLiNG WHiLE MiSSiNG SOMETHiNG AT THE SAME TiME. AT TiMES YOU CAN ABSOLUTELY LOVE A PERSON, ALL THE WHiLE WANTiNG TO HATE THEM. LiFE COMES WiTHOUT GUARENTEES, EXCEPT THAT SMiLiNG WiLL BRiGHTEN YOUR FACE, LAUGHiNG WiLL ENHANCE YOUR EYES. AND FALLiNG iN LOVE, WiLL CHANGE YOUR LIFE." --------------------------------- iM COMiNG HOME TOMORROW!! i AM SO FREAKiNG EXCiTED i CANT EVEN TELL YOU. iT WAS NiCE TO GET AWAY FOR AWHiLE BUT OH MY GOD, i HAVE JUST BEEN OH SO HOMESiCK! LOL. ANYWHO, JUST THOUGHT iD DROP iN 'N SAY..HELLO. AND i CANT WAiT TO SEE YOU ALL! AHH! HOPE LiFES BEEN TREATiN YOU NiCE WHiLE iVE BEEN AWAY, i MiSS YOU ALL DEARLY!. SEE YOU SOON! XOXO <3 me

"because that's what people do, they leap...and hope to god they can fly cause otherwise, we just drop like rocks. wondering the whole way down why in the hell did i jump? but here i am...falling, and there's only one person that makes me feel like i can fly...and that's you." hey y'all. so i am just so happy im coming home soon!ahh, it just makes me so excited lol. today was pretty good, this morning i went down to the cemetery and left new flowers and notes for my daddy :). afterwards, i went with my mom and sister to the beach and got extremely!! sunburnt! but its nice, cuz im also very tan now lol. after the beach we came home showered, went shopping for a little while and that was about it for today nothin special. tomorrow is my last day here and i hope it goes by REAL FAST! its supposed to rain too big storm. i was outside tonight talking on the phone and it was so cool cuz it wasnt raining or anything but there was soo much lightening, like every second. i sat outside for like 30 minutes. anywho, yeah i wanna come home!! i miss my friends. i miss my boyfriend...and i miss my dog lol. oh yeah, i kinda miss my car too :/ lol. nellie : i love you to death and miss you like hell and things will be better i promise. shelli : k wow dont get me started ive already told you how much i miss you and youre dane cook jokes lol. kim : WOW! come out of hiding please i miss you lol Kelly : me ..you...bonding time! havent seen ya in forever! Jessy : I miss our table dancing lol and our random drives to the beach..DEFF DOIN THAT SOON OH YA AND GIRLS NIGHT SOON EVERYONE!! VERY VERY SOON..

"I Am Who I Am. It Doesnt Take Much, To Be A Slut...A Druggie...& So On. But It Takes A Lot To Be, Yourself." HEY Y'ALL! ;)SO TODAY WAS A LiTTLE BETTER. THE WEATHER WAS AMAZiNG SO WE ALL GOT UP REAL EARLY AND WENT DOWN TO THE BEACH! FiNALLY! SUCH A SAFE HAVEN FOR ME. i FEEL SO CAREFREE WHEN iM AT THE BEACH. AFTERWARDS WE CAME HOME, SHOWERED AND i TOOK A NAP. THEN WE ALL WENT TO DiNNER WiTH MY GRANDPARENTS..BLLAAHH. TALK ABOUT BOREDOME!. AFTERWARDS i WENT TO SUPERTARGET WiTh MY MOM TO BUY DVDS CUZ i WAS BORED LOL. i WENT AN BOUGHT SWEET HOME ALABAMA WHiCH IS ONE OF MY FAVORiTESTS MOViES EVER!! iVE SEEN iT A BAZiLLiON TiMES BUT i STiLL FEEL THE NEED THAT i NEED TO OWN iT! HEHE. TOMORROW iM GOiNG TO THE BEACH AGAiN AND THEN BACK TO ViSiT MY DADS GRAVE AGAiN, BUT THiS TiME TO LEAVE NEW FLOWERS, AND NEW LETTERS AND SUCH. iTS A THiNG i DO AND iTS RELiEVING. SO i MiSS MYY FFWWEENNDDZZ! :( iLL BE HOME SOON! PEACE!

"Sometimes you just feel everything and nothing all at once. Sometimes you'll find yourself smiling, while missing something at the same time. At times you can absolutly love a person, all the while wanting to hate them. Life comes without guarentees. Except that; Smiling will brighten your face. Laughing will enhance your eyes. And falling in love...will change your life." I wanna come home...right now.I just want to hop on a plane and fly back.I am so incredibly homesick I feel like crying.It's wierd.I just miss my home and my bed and my boyfriend and my friends so fucking bad.This is the first time I've actually came out to Florida that I dont want to be here.I think its because of all the family drama thats been going on.I havent been upset in a long time.Ive just felt so stressed out.Being out here gives me a lot to think about other things going on in my life, the fact that it's my senior year next year and I dont know where I want to go to college or what I wanna do or where I wannna go.Fuck dude.I know Im going to be with Steve by the time I graduate too, and I dont want to leave him.I was talking to him tonight about that and I dont wanna mention that to him to like scare him off that I see a future together with us that far away. Hes going to be taking classes at COD and running for them on their cross country team and could easily get scholarships to go back to school and go somewhere away too...I dont know whats going to happen, I dont even want to think about college even though Im about to get forced to. Fuck Im too stressed out to write, ill write later.

"Sometimes you just have to jump of the bridge, and learn to fly on the way down." So today was my second full day in Florida and I was really bummed to find out I wasn't going home on Monday but on Wednesday :'(. Is it sad that I am already homesick and have been gone just all of 3 days?!Lol. Today was kind of a rough day. I woke up to my Mother and my Grandfather coming back from a doctors appointment he had and finding out that the pacemaker they had put in his heart is working but he has also developed other problems and has to have surgery tomorrow morning. His heart is taking in more blood than it's letting out and there is build up in his valves. I guess the same thing that happened to my Dad before he died of the same kind of heart attack so it kind of worries me. I'm not exactly sure what they are doing to his heart tomorrow but..I don't even know. Anywho, on a brighter note. I went shopping today finally then we went and saw my Dad's grave. Goinng there always gives me a sense of closure because it's such a pretty place where he is at but then again it's just so hard. This was the first time I went and actually cried since I was a little girl. He is in an outside mosolium (sp?) so he's not in the ground but in these pretty marbel walls and I'll always put my hand up to it and talk to him. But this time I just broke down. My Mom usually leave me there for awhile by myself cuz she knows I like to talk to him. My sister doesnt understand and it's irritating cuz she doesnt remember him and thinks im stupid for doing it. But I know he can hear me. My Mom doesnt like going there because she knows its only his body and she feels like hes with us everyday and there she isnt able to connect with him. But I know what she means. We always come down and visit everytime we are in Florida and replace flowers and write notes to him. I miss him so much sometimes. He died 10 years ago, but I can still recall that awful night like it was yesterday. To get our minds off of it everytime we go see him, we usually go to the beach afterwards because he loved the beach and we just look at the ocean. The ocean always seems to give you a sense of relief. It was like a breath of fresh air. Wierd to think Im just so so far away from home. I miss my friends and my boyfriend so much its crazy. It just makes me realize how much they all mean to me. Anyways Im done writing for today...goodnight <3me

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger May you never take one single breath for granted God forbid love ever leave you empty-handed I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance I hope you dance...I hope you dance I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance Never settle for the path of the least risistance Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin' Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin' Don't let some hell-bent heart leave you bitter When you come close to sellin' out reconsider Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance And when you get the chance to sit it out or dance I hope you dance...I hope you dance Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder Where those years have gone I hope you dance...I hope you dance

"I tear my heart open, i sew myself shut My weakness is that I care too much The scars remind us that the past is real I tear my heart open, just to feel." Whew! So I finally got my grandpa's computer up and running. I was on here for so long last night just TRYING to get online lol! How sad am I? Haha, anywho. So yesterday I left at like 9:00 a.m. out of Palm Springs, flew 2 hours 2 the airport in Dallas, TX, I got all thrown off cuz we left PS at 9:00 and it only took two hours yet in Texas it was already like 1:30 in the afternoon lol. Annndd let me just tell you, the airport in Dallas is INSANE! It's so huge, it reminded me of Disneyland cuz you have to take a tram to get to the different terminals, you can't walk lol. So we had an hour and a half layover in TX,even though it wasn't too bad cuz it took us 30 min to get to the diff. terminal lol then we got back on a different plane and flew 2 1/2 hours to Tampa, FL. So after about an hour of trying to get luggage and getting a rental car, they gave us a really nice SUV too I was stoked cuz I get to drive it lol. So by this time its like 8:00 and we still have 2 hours to drive to get to Melbourne where I used to live and where my grandparents house is...theeennn we hit road construction and get stuck in it for like a freaking hour and a half...make a long story short, we get thru that then travel down a back highway thats PITCH BLACK for the rest of the trip and I'm freakin out cuz Ive been confined in a car/tram/airplane all day and this looks like something out of Wrong Turn lol. Anywho, we get to my grandparents house at like...close to midnight and Im about ready 2 pass the fuck out. But I haven't seen my grandpa in so long so I stayed up to talk to him. It makes me sad how bad he's doing health wise because I know this is probably the last trip out here that he'll still be around. :'(. His alzheimers is getting really bad and he has a pace maker now. My mom took him to a doctor appointment this morning because they wanted to talk to her and the flat out told him straight to his face that he has 1 year to live. How fucked up is that? Telling an old poor man that has no idea whats going on that he's pretty much going to die...and the fact that his family is down here to see him too. I couldnt believe it. The doctor also told my mother that he has to have surgery on Friday..Im like great, we'll still be here...fabulous trip let me tell you. The surgery they are going to perform is on his heart because he has a heart murmur(sp?) i guess and something is blocking his aorta in his heart and isnt letting the same amount of blood out as it's letting in so its all off. My mom said that he was crying and I just wanted to punch a hole in the wall cuz I dont wanna lose another family member, expecially one that cares about me this much and told me he's going to pay to have my car fixed. He was drunk last night and it was so funny lol, we had a lil heart to heart conversation and he had me sit on his lap and hold his hand like i was a lil girl again. It made me want to cry though because he's so sad that we don't leave near him anymore and we can't spend as much time with him as he wanted to ya know.. ahh gosh this is depressing. It's about to rain here I think too its kinda exciting, I hope it doenst rain tomorrow though because I wanna go to the beach. I'm gonna go visit my dad's grave today. Its going to be very hard...But I like doing it. It gives me a feeling of closure and it makes me feel close to him again. It's such a pretty place where he's at. It's in an outside mosolium (sp?) in a realy pretty cemetery near an old train track and its really green and flowery and lots of trees and stuff. Anywho, this makes me laugh to think about the last time I was here, because I had this diary up but I had deleted all those entries about that lifeguard that I met lol. I dont even have the urge to hang out with him cuz I just love my bf so much. I dont even think Im gonna see him unless he calls me and maybe Ill go say Hi or somethin, or he can meet me at the beach when Im there with my fam. But Im not gonna go hang out with him. K anyways, I gotta go to dinner in a lil while so Ill write tomorrow and keep ya up on my vaca. in FL! Lol, I miss you all! All my sisters...you know who you girls are. xoxo -Tyna

hmm k soo...the rest of my night, i get to steves house today and bawl my eyes out to him. i really didnt think that argument i got in with my stepdad would bother me but wow...i just cried. i eventually wound up telling my mom because i couldnt help it dreading that she would approach him with it because i knew id have to face it again which i didnt want to. to make a long story short, the second i got home i had to face them both, having my mom on my side thought and he totally accused me of lying about it!! I almost flipped a bitch. we got in this huge argument. hes just trying to pick fights and i made him feel like an idiot a long with my mom because we prooved him wrong and he prooved that he ease drops on our conversations and all my shit etc. im not going to go into detail about it but it got sooo fucking bad...so bad. ive never seen so much anger in him...ive never ever seen him act this way. i just dont want him to wind up leaving us again because i dont feel like getting depressed again and have our household fall apart even though part of me thinks it will be better of without him. my moms strong, i know she can handle it, she knows exactly what hes trying to do.he wound up walking out and i called steve and just cried for an hour and seriously, i love him to death. he can make me feel so much better, him and my best friends and my mom is all i need. anywho its been a horrible night and my eyes are puffy from crying so much and its 11 i need to be up at 5:30 and i still have all my packing to do so ill be off now. much love -me

"i could conquer the world with one hand...just as long as you're holding my other one." WOW! So I just had the most awkward unprovoked conversation of my life!LOL! My stepdad and I haven't had the closest relationship these past few monthes and he's been being a total DICK! And suddenly he walks into the room where I'm sitting on the computer today and my Mother and sister had just left and he goes.... dad: so krystyna, are you having sex? me: excuse me? dad: oh, dont feel wierd or anything its just normal me: wait, what the hell are you talking about dad: are you having sex? me: no are you kidding me, i still have my virginity..i plan on keeping it too..im proud of it thanks. dad: yeah well whatever, youre probably just lying to me and dont wanna tell me...i wasnt born yesterday you know me: WHAT THE FUCK!? i cant believe you just accused me of lying about this! dad: well you have a boyfriend now dont even try and tell me he hasnt tried touching you or anything. i mean come on now, you guys are teenager dont tell me you dont have hormones. me: i cant believe you just said that, we have self control thank you very much. dad: dont even try and tell me youre almost 18 and havent had sex yet me: hi, hello, my name is krystyna sorrentino im almost 18 years old and i havent had sex yet thanks. dad: well ya know what you just cant get pregnant me: im not having sex! dad: well what do you even consider sex, even any kind of intercourse can be considered sex when you guys start getting close n dont even try and tell me u guys havent gotten close me: i dont even feel comfortable talking to you about this, this is ridiculous, you can believe me or not dad: im not accusing you of lying, i just know ive been a teenager once and i wasnt born yesterday, its just wierd you havent had sex its not wrong me: no shit its not wrong, ive only been going out with him for a month! i havent had sex, i have morals and he respects me thank god. dad: just because you have morals doesnt have anything to do with you having sex me: im not having sex, can you stop asking me about this now thanks. LIKE ARE WE KIDDING?? I couldnt believe it...wheewww sorry had to vent I just couldnt believe he even went there with me. After not being close for awhile and having good like healthy conversations then coming out of no where venturing into that kind of a converstion, are u kidding me? He hasnt met my boyfriend yet so obviously he has a bad impression of him cuz he has no idea what hes all about but come on! you dont do that! ahhskdjfhkashfkasdfh...k im done now. love y'all im leavin to florida tomorrow, im STOKED! except for the fact im leavin all my friends and my love for a week! I will miss you all dearly, i'll be on here tho, and online and my myspace so ill DEFF. be in reach! Lol k im out, PEACE! <3Tyna hmm k soo...the rest of my night, i get to steves house today and bawl my eyes out to him. i really didnt think that argument i got in with my stepdad would bother me but wow...i just cried. i eventually wound up telling my mom because i couldnt help it dreading that she would approach him with it because i knew id have to face it again which i didnt want to. to make a long story short, the second i got home i had to face them both, having my mom on my side thought and he totally accused me of lying about it!! I almost flipped a bitch. we got in this huge argument. hes just trying to pick fights and i made him feel like an idiot a long with my mom because we prooved him wrong and he prooved that he ease drops on our conversations and all my shit etc. im not going to go into detail about it but it got sooo fucking bad...so bad. ive never seen so much anger in him...ive never ever seen him act this way. i just dont want him to wind up leaving us again because i dont feel like getting depressed again and have our household fall apart even though part of me thinks it will be better of without him. my moms strong, i know she can handle it, she knows exactly what hes trying to do.he wound up walking out and i called steve and just cried for an hour and seriously, i love him to death. he can make me feel so much better, him and my best friends and my mom is all i need. anywho its been a horrible night and my eyes are puffy from crying so much and its 11 i need to be up at 5:30 and i still have all my packing to do so ill be off now. much love -me

hey y'all, what's goin on? well the weekends over and i'm sad. i just can't wait for school to be over! i'm leavin to florida on tuesday for a week so i'm kinda stoked to be gettin' away from this damn desert yanno, but i will miss you all just so much of course! anywho my weekend was pretty fun, friday i just stayed in and hung out with my boyfriend and his sister & roomate patrick. saturday i slept, then me steve patrick taleen jessy and steves sister bobbi went out to dinner at PF Changs and then went and saw Star Wars..long ass movie! kinda cool though, for me not liking star wards..i'd have to give it some credit. today i didnt do much, just hung out, packed a lil for FL and then went and hung out with my love. we slept and wound up goin grocery shopping later on lol, it was fun. its kinda of wierd how well we just connect, it scares both of us thinking we can see a future together but we don't question it. its the happiest we've both been in a long long time we've decided and it can only get better from here so i'm looking foward to it. i dont miss even being single which is a wierd concept cuz me and the word boyfriend NEVER used to go together! lol. anywho im out, i gotta go do some stuff ill write later and i think ill be able to keep this up in florida if my grandpa still has his computer up! xoxo <3 krystyna

Quote Of The Day (I think you all should start doin this) "The Greatest Pleasure In Life, Is Acomplishing What People Say You Can Not Do." So, cheer tryouts were yesterday, I'm really surprised how well they went. Usually every year I mess up, I mean come on..It's me your talkin bout here...the spaz of the group. All I can remember is everytime I had to rally by myself I said the same..damn..thing lol. It was funny but anyways, yeah..some girls that were on the team last year didn't make it back...I'm sure they are extremly pissed they didn't tryout for JV & Varsity, cuz they can't be on it at all now their last year of high school, which blows. I'm really excited for next year though. I can't believe it's already our senior year! I remember Shelli and I used to talk about how excited we were to be freshman in high school! And now think about it, we only have one more year left till we're all off to college, how scary is that? I was thinkin bout all this shit the other night when I was drivin home. Like, as we got older all our perspectives on things changed like alcohol, and drugs and sex and then just little things like boys. It's wierd how it just happens without even thinking about it. I remember me and Nellie used to talk about how gross it was to ever do stuff with boys lol. Hah.... 'nuff said lol. God where has the time gone? I'm almost too scared to grow up, I feel like I'm gettin old too fast..Im gonna be freaking 18 this year along with Kelly! What the hell?! I could have sworn just the other day I was 15 years old and a lil baby freshman in high school! lol. Oh well, I'm excited to see what the future is going to bring us all. K well I'm out I got some major cleaning to do, as of right now...my closet is the floor to my room lol, theres no carpet :x...that could be a prob. Anywho, it's a saturday night, im gonna go hang out with Steve but you girls should give me a call yeah? yeah!! i love you to death xoxo -krystyna