So here is my story... Since only my best friends are the ones that read this im not gunna type the entire thing that leads up to this point and ill be generalizing...so if ur lost... thats why... For the past week, ive been regretting a certian "action" i made that happened to lead to me being drunk, while confronting a rather... "sticky" situation... reguarding the opposite sex. Last night Nell called me and asked if id give her a ride to see jeremy. Well naturally jeremy was at jay, jimmy and mitch's house. Seeing as how im no longer welcomed there i was just going to drop her off and leave. But then i started thinking...(this is always bad) shelli in thought: come to think of it.. i really liked jay... hell i still really like him... i kinda threw away something that i had going for me... just cuz why... cuz i didnt like that fact that he didnt call me? cuz i didnt feel needed enough? but i have it when boys adn needy! but im mad cuz he dindt call enough? he wanted to take me to prom next year... he was thinking of our future... he would make comments like "look at my baby (in to a mirror)... just look at her!" and "ok princess" and "i should have taken you to prom... well there's always next year." why did i ruin that? hummmm... (and shelli thinks on) i really did have the perfect thing going there. not a hard core commitment, no call me 24:7 i wannt kno what ur doing, not oh well i dont care about u, nothing like that. it was perfect for where i wanna be in my life with boys at the moment... right??? or no... but it doesnt matter now cuz he hates me, or so i think... i wanna make things right with him. i want to be his freind. i want to atlead be able to hang out with his friends cuz thier my friends too! i want him to kno im not like that! i want him back... i think... so i picked up nell drove over to the boys and... we sat in my car for 20 min deciding wether i should go in and talk to him, or maybe write him a note and give it to him... or should i have nell give it to him... so i call jeremy and ask him. no help. he says jay will kill me and rip off my head. damnit not the answer i wanted. lets call sean. so i call sean. he says i should and it will be fine. so i do. we stand in front of the door deciding what nells gunna say to him... we decided to give him teh choice to talk to me or not. im outside for what seems to be FOREVER, then jay come out side. ohhhh bad idea i think to myself. i automatically just start rambeling about how im sry and i wanted him to know that and i want to be his friend and i dont expect him to forgive me blah blah blah... he just stares with his arms crossed... uh oh... never good... then he says we should talk about it on the patio... change scene. patio. so now were talking... well actually im doing most of the talking. it ends up being that i made him not trust people ever more, he says we can be friends, i can hang out there, but we can never be the same. i decided to accept that. then we try and make small talk as he finishes his cigarette. i try and think of something profound... something that will save me and the conversation from turning stale... as the cig grows smaller and the glowing red of the cherrie fades... so does my hope. well i came and did what i came to do. i tell him i wont keep him any longer and i get up... we pause and he opens the door. i walk back to his room to say bye to nell... and as i turn to go... there he is... good ole jay... leaning in the hallway. that damn hallway is so small and yet for some reason i find myself longing for it to be just a tid bit snugger... why... he hugs me as i leave... i dont want to let go... i dont... we just stand there for a secong and all i can mummor out is im sry, and i really mean it. i kno he can feel my heart pounding, i just say it again... im sry jay i really am. i cant help but look up at him... what's his expression? does he still care? does he know his sincere i am? wow looking up.. bad idea... i just look at his eyes... fuck stupid stpuid stupid.. god i want to kiss him and he knows it... i just turn to the side and a tiny tear rolls down my face. damn i really fucked up i thank him for his time and walk out... the second my foot hits the door matt i loose it. i get in my car... of course straylight run is on... just my luck... another loss in the book of shelli....