im an ordinary addict. i don't understand why people have to point it out every second of the fuckin day. i mean... so i do it. but im not an addict i still have a home and clothes on my babys back. how am i classified an addict?

After all this time im still abandoned. still alone. i miss you jesse. my tears still hit the floor. After everything you'd be soo happy to see our baby girl. my heart is broken. i think of you everyday. Nothing ever changed in our house. but Everything wont always remain the same. i need to let go but im not exactly sure how...

The Perfect GuyCreated by madhatter and taken 11532 times on bzoink!Hair color?brownEye color?greenHeight?6'0''Six pack?yesLong hair or short?shortGlasses?noPiercings?noEyebrows?yesBig butt or little?littleChest hair?yesBuff or skinny?buffTeeth?yesSection 2Funny or serious?bothParty-hopper or more stay-at-home?party hopperShould he be able to bake or cook?noDoes he have a best friend?yesIs it okay for him to have a lot of female friends?yesOut-going or shy?out goingSarcastic or sincere?sincereDoes he love his mother?yesShould he watch chick-flicks?yesWould he be a smoker?yesHow about a drinking?yesAnd swearing?yesWould he play with your hair?yesWould he have more than one girlfriend at a time?noWould he pay for you when you're on a date?yesDoes he kiss on the first date?yesWhere would you go for dinner?YaYa's house Would he buy you flowers?no... maybe some weedWould he lay under the stars with you and spout random philosophies?yesWould he write poetry about you?noWould he use endearments?yesWould he hang out with your and YOUR friends?yesHow about you hanging out with him and HIS friends?yesWould he walk you up to the door at the end of the evening?yesWould you hold hands?yesSection 3Does he play soccer?noBaseball?noFootball?noBasketball?yesWater polo?noGolf or something equally boring?noDoes he surf?noSkateboard?noSnowboard?noCan he sing?yes...rapPlay the guitar?noPlay piano?noPlay the drums?noCan he keep his room clean?yesIs he an artist of sorts?yes...rollin blunts...Does he write his own music?yes..own rap Does he have pets?noSection 4Does he use the word dude?noHow about tight?yesWould he watch the sun rise and set with you?yesWhat kind of car does he drive?noneHow old is he?18What's his name?troyCreate a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to bzoink!

i came to the ending of my story. I figure there is really hardly anything i can do to get my baby back. I git a job at a local club playing the blues. I got 378.52 for two hours. Its some pretty bad ass money. OHHH i never told anyon i played the blus well i play the blues i can play classical and of course rock. so i figure.... if i keep playing ill have enough money to maybe MAYBE get an apartment or a townhouse or something or ifi stay here or a bit longer i ca get a house. Maybe get out of the city. The worst part is i have a nice ss car but i live in a shithole.. i figure i work to hours a day for the next week ill have 5299.28.. depending on the hours i might have more. this guy vic said he can give me 9 hours (on and off) on the weekends (fri and sat and sun) but he has to check to see if its cool. I might be rich well to my standards. MAYBE te cout will see that i dont need the stupid bitches help. i can't wait.. Well bye.

The worst thing in my life has happened. The court gave my mother supervision untill i get back to my feet. From my view point i was on my feet. MOTHER FUCKERS! Ithink they are all just pissy with my "Drinking/smoking" problems i had backin the day. WHICH BY THE WAY, i did my time for.... and i only had onthft charge thats not bad ll i had to do was a shit load of community service famiy counseling and write two essays to the judge... A BUNCH oF SHIT! My fucking mom also used the fact i live in a "motor home" this is ho ive been forever... even when i lived with my pop-pop. How can i change something hat has made me who I am? I think i'll just kil her... That is all goodnite.

theresnothig in this world to live for. goodbye

Fuck you all! I hope you all die! see you in hell fuckers! Kill me pleease!

My mother is taking me to court she decided today for "ownership" as she said. If she gets pheonix im killing myself. Theres no point to live. I thought after jess killed himself life couldn't get worse now two things that i loved the most will be taken from me forever. I have no proof i am a goo mother. Anyone want to go to curt for me ad pretend like they've known e for years and say im am a great mom? Anyone know what i should say when i stand in front of the judge on "judgement day" Our Court date is August 2nd... Somebody please help, i can't risk loosing everything i ever had that means th world to me. I need jess. I have to go cry a bit. What if i can never see her again. what if im all alone for the rest of my life. What if i kill myself will she ever know abut me? SOMEBODY KILL ME PLEASE!

SO my mom my fucking mom tells me im not a good mother. FUCK HER that fuckiong bitch got the nerve to tell me im not a good mom. i said to her wow and you were a great mother considering i didn't see you till i was 11. Thank god to my father (past) who fucking saved me from the bitch. I only wish he could have live 7 more years untill i moved to die. That bitch tells me what to do everyday... and i say to her all the time... Ok ill liksten to you this time.... she so fucked up in the head with her zoloft and vodka every fucking morning. She took Pheonix to her house to stay untill i got of some of the drugs i do.. PLEEASE BITCH go drink your vodka and pop some pills. Maybe i'll kill her anyone wanna help kill my mother?

I love my daughter... i seriously never thought life could be like this....again.... sure the love of my life is missing but, when i think about him i look at her and i'm like damn.... life is good... for the time being. I went on a blind date and the guy was a pig.... i decided i wasn't ready for dating quite yet. It's nice to hear frm you people.... keep on replying...Any problems just email me at heartofxdarkness@aol.com Talk to you guys later!

hey yall. Im back in school. AGAIN. I kind of becoming friends with a boy name andrew...and hes a hot cowboy. He asked me out on a date. i said yes, I said to him "i'll have to find a babysitter" and he said "bring her along" i was in complete shock. what man would want a child present on a date? i guess hes a child lover. well thats all for now.. see yall later

After all i've been through live still goes on and im still living. i still love jess but, he is forever in my mind.

people need to stop being little bitches and rag on me... If your going to just go die already... others who are kind whats up just another day... if your going to hate on me leave your username or screen name ok you little pussies? later

hey. today jess' mom(kay) brought over some "hand me downs." and some pictures of jess. I broke down and cried forever today. It was the worst feeling in the world. Other than jess in my arms... As everyday passes live with out Jess gets hard and hurts more but also see how my daughter is going to grow up makes me so happy i wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Sure i still think of death all the time. just to see jess' face i would kill myself. I want to die now only because i don't want any other man in my life besides jess. But Jess is in my heart forever. and thanks to whoever said "DONT MAKE THAT BABY CRAZY" thanks for your blessing and hope kid lol just kidding. well yall have a great day

Hey people who actually enjoy reading what i have to say! lol! for the first time in my life im happy again. I gave birth to a baby girl i named her Pheonix Kristine. Her best feature is her nose. Her and Jess have the same nose.but yet she looks a hell of a lot like jess rather than myself. Even though i miss jess more now i know that a part of him is with me. when i look into her eyes my eyes cry but my heart thinks of jess' face and what he would say. Jess' mom was so excited she almost killed me when i said my water broke. i have pictures just tell me your address and ill send. Have a nice day everyone.I was upset for a girl only because the ultrasound hinted for a boy... it was wrong! but shes beautiful and im happy now! IM A MOMMY!!!!

so its a boy and im leaning to Alex James. my uncle (Who is mexican) wanted me to name him Fernando or misael... i was like im white and Jess was white... that would look like shit.... So Alex James or Dallas James... you guys tell me.... and for Robin sorry people i can't do that... its sounds like a girls name but in my head i think blue so its kind of a dyke kinda name (sorry to all people named Robin(i just can't let my son go down like that)) So still i sit in my room and just look at pictures of jess all day. I cry all day everyday and i think for a while i will still cry. Jess' tape i dont think will ever come out of my tape deck. Its so sad all the songs he song about me all about us staying together and being together forever and i believed it untill one day i woke up and he was gone. im crying i have to go i can't think anymore i just wanna die.

so today i just thought about jess and him being gone. The part that hurts the most is that i will never be able to hold his hand again and he will never look into my eyes. i was thinking about names today also... .Girls. 1. Dawn 2. Kaylin 3. Pheonix 4. Anoinette 5. Kerri 6. Danelle .Boys. 1. Brett 2. Matt 3. Dustin 4. Anthony 5. Alex 6. Dallas Me and jess were talking about kids and he never wanted his son to be named after him. So i think i wont name our baby (if its a boy) jess but i will give the baby his middle name. Jess like pheonix and dallas... so my ideas are 1. Pheonix kristine .or. 2. Dallas James What do you think? anymore names just leave me a message...

So i guess it wasn't the last time i wrote... Jess is gone he went through with it. hes fucking dead and so is a part of me... i found out i am carrying his baby...its been 22 days five hours 18 minutes and 42 seconds sine jess cut his throat and just laid in my arms i let him bleed whenever i sleep i see the fear in his eyes but i can still feel his touch and when i sleep his voice comes to me... Right now there is no point to life but will there ever be? probably not but i want to watch jess' baby grow up i wa see if he looks like me or more like jess. Life is a puzzle to me and i hate puzzles so i hate life but maybe i will find some kind of joy in it. I love you jess rest in peace and like you said baby, well be together forever i'll see you in the end.

i want this to be the last time i write...jess has given me a whole new outlook to life... he told me life sucks then we die... so he asked me if i would kill him and then kill myself... im actually thinking about it... he made a perfect point why waste my time here and work when i can have eternal sleep? i really like sleep... it really is true.. and im tired of the battle.... i hope our plan will work so i wont be in another hospitial again...i hope this will be the last time i have to see this fucking world... i want to see the world burst into flames... that is all.... Goodbye

what is up my little sneaky eyed readers? sorry great mood for killing.... so jess asked my out and yea we were making out and HE BIT MY LIP... he wanted to taste my blood.... so as i sat there letting him suck my blood all the preppies were looking at me in nastyness... oh well i had fun jess said my blood tasted good and quenched his thirst... then me and jess went around to like 7 stores and i had my short skirt on with my black skirt and my hooker heels... jess totaly flipped on guys when they looked at me.... one car full of guys cornered us in so they could watch the wind lift my dress... jess got his bat and busted up there car... they were preps and it made him insane lol he bought me a new skirt today..... a purple and black one....(hot topic) and some DC shoes and a pair of red heels... (his fantasy...a girl with only red heels on (I DUNNO?!?!)) but yep then he said those are only for me to see... i said ok all perky... he said i like how you say that it turns me on.... i said none of that right now (we were in hot topic) dont wanna get it on right now lol well thats all you people need to know about this whole day.... later