31 | smiths

31

by smiths on December 5th 2004, 12:00AM

I really am goddam selfish. It feels like everyone's so wrapped up in their own problems and they don't have to give me sympathy. Or anything like that. How fucking selfish is that? I don't know try... EXTREMELY It's just that it's not like I'm so fucking happy and everything's great. Now, lots of people are worse off than I am. Dont think I don't fucking know it. it's just that I'd like some goddam sympathy and empathy anything too. I always feel like I have to give up my feelings in order to help others because I want them to be happy. I'm a horrible person and a worse friend. I just wish everyone could be fucking happy. Why can't we all be HAPPY??? SHIT I feel like complete crap now. That's what I am so why bother. See? God. Why do I have to be this way? I'm a horrible person to think that I'm any different or any more deserving of people caring about me than anyone else is. not that anyone does care. I HATE feeling sorry for myself. I have no one to blame but myself for turning out this way. I can NOT fucking stand myself anymore.

Read 25 comments

haha how does it smell good? and why would you ever want to go to maine? lol

[Anonymous]

my friend's mom touched him and he purposely tumbled all the way down his stairs and said "mom you pushed me!" lol... falling down stairs is fun... i fall down all the time for no reason. but maybe it's one of those "feeling pain on the inside, want to feel pain on the outside to equal it" kind of things. ehhh

definitely know what that's like bottling everything up. One day at school (inbetween classes when no one could hear me) I screamed so loud because I was so upset and no one cared.. ya know? ehh I say buy a punching bag and write in a journal. well hope things go well 4 u

i know how it feels. but I've got superficial shallow friends who don't listen so that why I get frustrated... you? what's your situation? just wanted to say ello and don't feel bad! :) comment back if you wish.

if no ones gonna feel sorry for you...

someone has to! ..theyre selfish for not caring about you.

(which i don't believe is true...)

greenxxeyes

haha it's ok. i'm terribly excited myself! :D

[radiosound]

me too. i just got the "take it easy (love nothing)" EP that has burn rubber on it. its an awesome song.

oh okay I gotcha. well i'm gonna go now ttyl :o)

ahh. where exactly is indiana? :p

hah yeah it was fun

I know it. I wanna go to california. I have been to the bahamas and to italy but that's out of the states.

I hate feeling like that. I think most people through a stage like that, though. It'll all get better probably.

Or maybe my life is too good for me to really know.

;) Interesting, though, how you can KNOW how much you hate feeling sorry for yourself and feeling selfish, and yet you can't do a damn thing about it. *sigh* oh well.

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i've never been anywhere west of like pensylvania.. kinda sad yeah.

I'm sorry. I should tell you how much I love you more.

Its just..lately..I haven't really felt like I dunno..I just have felt [i'll use the word that Jon used, and that greg used] hollow. Where nothing matters. And no one matters. And such.

And I'm sorry the other day when you said I miss conner, I kept saying that I miss Jon. But I dont know. It just kindof made me sad because I dunno..It just felt like..at least you still had Conner

haha you've been to maine?

maine =|

so where are you from?

Alot of us go thgrough that same godamned thought cycle. It's inevitable. I like your layout!

[ohdetritus]

thanks =)

Yes I'm on aim.

Its the smiths book. :)

Yeah..I know. =/

Yeah, Jon said he erased it, which I'm really glad, because I hate logans stupid comments, they always put me in a bad mood, but the curiosity is killing me...

Thanks, I really do too.

But I'm just scared..ya know? It hasnt worked out anytime before.

Did you read the comment Logan left me yesterday?

Okay, I just want you to know that I do care about you, more than anything. and I wish taht I could take your pain away, and I wish that you could be with Conner...oh how I wish.

But I dont want to make you even sadder so I try not to bring those things up alot. But it kills me when I see you sad, I just dont know what to say, so I stay quiet.

I'm sorry

ct'd
and conner still loved you. and you guys still talked. and things were ok. and you would see him.

and I know that now im the selfish one, but I just couldnt stop thinking about how all of our plans were ruined [me you conner jon] and how I wouldnt get another chance with Jon. and I just..I dont know. Was being selfish too. But it just seems like nothing is fucking going right anymore.
p.s. I hate myself too, youre not the only one.