Aghh so much happening Wellll i got my boo backkk : ] But we've been having problems. Its only been 3 weeks and he likes resents me. He got mad cuz i was being "mean" to him. Idk how that happened. Somethings like going on with him and its affecting our relationship alot. It seems like he doesnt want to be with me but at the same time does. I know hes scared but he's changed so much. When he's talking on the phone he's a completely different person than when ur with him. He isnt really affectionate at all. Ignores me the whole time. Is an asshole alot of the time. And he acts like a kid. He's kinda immature. Idk. I love him to much to give up already. He used to call even though he was mad at me and now he doesnt. He used to talk to me about things that we were wrong but now its like he cant. I know i cant be completely trusted and believed because i hurt him when i said i wouldnt but he's giving me another chance but he's practically taking away instead of letting me prove to him that i can and have changed. Im not in this relationship to hurt him and he like thinks i am. Idk. I'm going to disneyland tomorrow so i hope things will cool down with him. S;AGH;AHSDGLHADSGH ahh idk how i feel anymore I want to give up but i know i cant ew w/e <3<3

Its been a while since i've written in here. Alot has changed. Its finally summer but its been kinda boring. I went to two parties so far but thats about it. Saw pam. Aww that made my beginning of summer. Yay. So last night i had a conversation with josh. Ya it was good because i told him what i wanted to for a while. He now knows that i am not waiting a year to be with him again. He knows that i cant do that. I know what i did was wrong and hurt him but what he's doing to me now is even worse. I cant take the pain he's putting me through forever. I would take him back indefinately right now but later, its just gonna be too late. We decided to get an apartment together and become roomies if things dont work out with us. Doubt that'll happen but eh, you never know what the future brings. He's an amazing friend and an even more amazing boyfriend. Whatever i get from him, i'm happy with it. I love him endlessly and i always will. But then theres this new boy named rudy. Aw he's so sweet and nice. I think i might be starting to like him. But idk if all he wants is a hookup and nothing else. I dont want to let myself get attached to someone like that. I'm not that kind of girl. Idk. I've been talking to him and he's really sweet. He's sooo cute. Ah i swear. But the bad thing is. I like josh still. Ya i'm still in aw with him and love him so much. I care about him alot even though i know i shouldnt. I should be moving on because i've just been hurting to much. I know i hurt him but wth is he doing to me. I know it cant be called right. I want to move on but something is just pulling me back. I guess all i can do is wait and see what happens So the summer is here and i cant wait for better things to start happening. Disneyland, the fair, camping, parties, friends sleep overs. Agh i love it. I'm gonna be a junior next year. Yay for me. Kinda scary & kinda weird. Idk. Whateva. Hehe

This weekend was really fun. I went to hadleys. Friday: We came home from school and just hung out. Then at like 7 ish we went and met tony and hung out w/ him. Him and hadley blazed it by the beach but i didnt want to. Idk i just didnt feel like it. Then he walked us all the way to the movies and we watched 'The break up'. It was ha-freakin-larious. Oh man. Vince vaughn is funny. Then we went to sleep Saturday: We slept in. Woke up and just watched tv. Then her mom took us to rite aid on the avenue and we got me a chris brown poster. ohhh myy godd he is so fine. And we saw a mentally challenged guy that was pretty creepy. Then alli & thomas came over and we took pictures of them from prom. They looked so cute together. Then saturday hadley cleaned all day to make money to go to disneyland w/ me. I didnt really help cuz i was hot and tired. I vacuumed though :]. Then later at like 6 reyna took us to cold stone & we got some ice cream. Then we went to toys r us and hadley bought me some stuff. A cinderella puzzle cuz she's my favorite. She stole me a ring and we bought other ppl things. Then we went home Sunday: I came home. I re-aranged my room with my new posters. Layed around and watched tv. Now i'm here & i'm doing nothing. :].

Today was a goooood day. Yeah it was pretty fun. Hahaha. At lunch hadley pushed me into this huge thing of bushes. It was so funny. I just layed there cuz i looked like an IDIOT. But after school i got her back and it was literally in slow motion. All of a sudden you hear a thump and hear her scream HELP HELP HELP!. So i started running cuz i didnt want her to kill me but she got up and chased after me. Idk lol. It was funny. But yeah these past days have been pretty okay. Accept monday. That just sucked. Anyways. Bye for now :] E/> Annette

I'm at hadleyssssssss Yeahhhhhh Tomorrow is the party. && i get to see joshua :] I'm soooooo excited its not even funny. Hehe. Bye for now <3 Annette

Today was eww okay Halfie dayyy :] Yeahhh I went shopping. My dad surprised me & bought me pants. Yesss. I was happy happy. I got new shoes. All black van slip ons. Yepp So yeah this weekend = tons of fun! Yeah Love ya bye <3Nettiee

Today was pretty fun It went by sooo slow though. I had to make up testing with hadley but one of my teachers marked me absent Ew stupid ass people. Anyways. Josh hasnt called me in a while. Idk. Maybe i shouldnt worry about it but like i just started carring alot about him again & i dont want it to end all over again. I told myself not to get excited over him but i kinda cant help it. He told me some stuff & i pretty much believed it. I mean what he said shouldnt just be made up. But ya hopefully he calls soon. I cant wait till jessicas partay. Its gonna be sooo much fun. Hehe. Theres gonna be food & everything! Yesss.. Anyways. Tomorrow is a half day & i'm getting new shoes at the mallieee. Yay. :] Bye for now. Annettieee

This weekend has been good. Besides the fact i got new pimples Can you say ewwwwwwwwwwwww Anyways yeah i'm excited for next weekend. I get to see my mannnn :]. Well he's not my man technically but in reality he always will be byeee

This week was weird & went by pretty fast. School sux & i'm glad its almost over. I'm just worried a little about my grades. I cant go to summer school cuz i guess i was too late for the summer school paper. Oh well at least i'll be able to sleep in. So yeah josh has been calling me lately :]. It makes me happy cuz he actually wants to talk to me & isnt doing it just cuz i say to. I havent told him to call me at all. He just does it and its real cute. I'm trying not to get all hyphy about it cuz i dont want to be let down but he's real sweet & from what i understand, we're getting back together sometime in the future. Near or far idk but i'm just happy were talking. He called me today to hang out but OF COURSE i couldnt. Always on the weekend i cant. Hmm next weekend is jessicas birthday party. Today's her birthday but her party is then. I'm really hoping me & hadley can go cuz josh is gonna be there & i'm super excited to be able to see him. I miss him & havent seen him since we broke up. He said he missed me and wants to see me too. But yah Other than that nothing new. Oh well. Life sux sometimes. Lol :] Byeeeeee

The past few days have been good. Me & josh have actually been talking. He's been calling and stuff & its nice. Good to know he's still alive & is ok. He tells me whats going on and he said he calls when he needs me or to just talk. :] im glad. I just hope it lasts & he doesnt drop me once he gets a new gf. I'd be hurt. So jessicas party is on next saturday. I think its gonna be fun and nice. It's gonna have food so of course it'll be good and yummy. It's by the beach so we'll have fun. Me & hadley are going together hopefully. School is actually going okay. I'm just really trying to keep my grades up so i dont fail any classes besides mrs. volics. I cant afford to do that. I have to make up 3 classes next year. & i'm taking chemistry in summer school this year. So im a little worried but i think i'll be fine. Next year is gonna change & i'm gonna work alot harder. Friends & drama i'm just over it all. Stupid girls with their stupid ass problems. & boys are over it too. They can just suck it. Yep thats all for now Love yaass <3 Annettiee

So today was ok i suppose. I am pretty sure im getting the flu tho. I went & visited hadley at her house today cuz she was real sick and i though "for sure" i wouldnt get it cuz i have a strong immune system but i guess i was wrong & now im regreting it I'm sooo sick and tired and i can barely stand up. I hate it But oh welll. lol So ya hopefully tomorrow im going to hadleys. yeah so bye for now <3 Annettiee

Today ended up a good day. So i ditched with hadley 3rd period because she is sick & wanted some company so i went. I came back at lunch w/ her and we stayed till after school. I got my report card & i have 2 f's & 2 d's. Pretty shitty. Im scared. Eek oh well. That'll change soon. Then i come home & i got a comment back from josh. I told him "Well i called you & you didnt answer ur phone & u basically flaked rememberr. & you act like u dont even want to know me anymore" So ya he called me. We talked for a while about good things & bad things. He wanted to know why i had to mess things up and it hurt cuz i honestly dont know why i did. I mean he said he still loves me & maybe we'll have something later but for now we just can't. I respect that. He's kinda upset lately though because of alyssa. I am kinda helping him get through it. He said im his best friend as a girl and im happy about that. I just hope he's not saying things to make me happy. I really do wanna be here for him & i told him he can talk to me about anything. He said he felt bad cuz he knows i still like him & have feelings for him but i told him im okay for now. I'll learn to live with it and id rather be the one to help him with his problems than someone else cuz i've always been there for him so why stop now. I hope we continue things like this cuz i miss talking to him. For now i just really want him to be happy & i'm gonna back his decision up 100%. Forever i will. I'll be crushed though if he drops me as a friend if him & her get together. I dont want to just be his "bitch" for now and once he gets someone else just drop me all of a sudden. But anyways... I'm happy that me & him are talking and things are good..For now at least. We'll see what happens < / 3 Annettiee

I'm so sick of crying & caring & trying & worrying & missing & falling & wishing so hard on things that just dont seem to go my way & on things that just seem like they shouldnt be anymore. It's just hard && thats all i have to say today :[

So today was pretty GAY. Boring as usual. Regular day. Eww Tomorrow is blocked schedule. 2 hours with each class i hate the most! Funnnn. NOT! Anyways. I seriously cant wait till summer. I hope i get to do alot of fun things. I cant sit at home by myself because things will get to me too much. It seems like when im by myself i get lonely and sad alot more. Disneyland is just gonna be awsome & fun fun funnn. Yep i cant wait for that. Summer school for 3 weeks. Chemistry; At buena. Hopefully i get to go. I'll be with leilani so it'll be fun. Yepp. I gotta sign up quick though.. So yeah ima bounce homiesss Hehe P e a c e o u t <3 Annettiee

So well i woke up and had really puffy eyes and red. They were all liquidy and swollen. It was gross I felt like crap and caca all day but im better now My daddy got me motrin and it helped alot. I might go to the doctors on monday if it doesnt stay better. I might have a sinus infection or just bad allergies. Idk yet. Well yeah im just chillin bein bored. Tomorrow im going to see United 93 with my daddy. I think it'll be fun I didnt get to work this weekend cuz i felt like crap Omgoodness My dad told me the saddest story: His friend when he was growing up was real cocky and like thought he could do everything his self and his own way. well on christmas morning one day the kids dad brought out a present for him and he opened it & it was a riffle gun. The kid ripped it open and his dad was like "here son i'll help you put the bullets in, we'll go outside & ill show you how it works" and the kid was like no no no dad i know how to do it myself. Well the kid put the bullets in and cocked it and all of a sudden the gun went off and he killed his own dad. It went off and shot him in the head. After that i guess the kid became a criminal and beat up ppl for no reason. It made him and his older brother go insane.

Aghhh I havent gotten sleep in sooo long Everynight i sit in my bed with all the lights off and everything turned off and i just lay there looking at the starts. I havent been able to sleep since ghaa idk. Like about 2 months i believe. Everythings finally getting to me and ugh it sux alottttt. The only people that actually get it are jessica & pam I'm always the strong one and i can always keep things in but i've done it for so long now, i just like exploded. I cant stop crying and im so emotional its making me sick I havent been able to eat in like 3 days and if i do eat i feel sick to my stomach. My head hurts and my eyes are always constantly red. Its hard to concentrate in school but i cant seriously afford to miss it. My grades arent good and it would ruin alot of things this summer if my grades are shitty.. Ew life is just real bad right now. I feel like this is the worst its ever been. Actually it is the worst its ever been. Its hard to want to keep on going when you feel so bad. Every morning i just hate waking up. I wish i could sleep & sleep forever. Never wake up & id be happy forever. Id seriously rather be dead then feel the way i do now. But idkkk. I hope it gets better but theres pretty much nothing that can make it better. Well there is but its not going to happen anytime soon; im pretty sure of it at least.

Today was real boring. Idk it was kinda like a so called "normal" day. Not to boring not to fun. Tomorrow is sat's and im so ditching that shit. I'm just gonna take it in like 3 weeks & make it up. Fuck ittt. Going to zach's w/ hadley to have some fun fun fuuun. Ya well theres not much to say today. I felt so weird today. It was like i was stoned but i wasnt. I was so tired my eyes were bright red and like my head hurt real bad. A million people asked if i was baked. Hah. It was funny Anywho. I gotta go do some stuff. Byeee

Agh today was kinda. Ew. Idk. Boring and Tiring. Stupid Star testing. Gross. 4 hours in a class with stupid annoying people. I hate my first period. It's fun cuz people are retarded and you can make fun of them but jeeeese. It wares you outtt. Me & Hadley went to the mall after cuz we had 1/2 day. It was ok. Saw some hotttiies. Da Da Daaamn. After 10 hours of waiting for her mom to answer her phone we got mad & just left. It was funny. We at pizza. =). Yummy. So hopefully tomorrow will be better. I think its going to rain cuz its clowdy. Agh. YAYY. Yeah right =(. Oh well. No half day tomorrow. Yucky. Peace Fools

Well i guess todays mood describes alot. I've been real disappointed in myself lately. It seems like everywhere i turn; theres challenges that i always fail. Alot of the time i wish i could have been brought up somewhere else so that i could have met different people. Seen different things. Not experienced the things i have so far && just maybe i wouldnt be going through the things i am going through. Most of it is my fault. Actually one huge thing is my fault and its hurting me everyday. This diary is like my escape from everything else. I cant really talk to anyone else about things because they dont understand and dont know. Top things that are bugging me lately: School - Grades arent great and school is coming to an end. Dad - Always complaining about how i act and treats me like crap alot of the time. He expects to much from me & i cant always give it to him. Friends - Most of them just dont get it. I always have to pretend like im happy because if i show my true feelings they wont see me as the strong person i seem. I always have to be my friends support system; i love it and all but damn. Its hard to not have one of my own. I cant really look to them for support or help anymore. Josh - Lately i feel like our break up is really hitting me hard. I miss him more and more everyday and all i want to do is be with him again. Being with him took all my worries away and made my life alot easier. I so looked forward to seeing him & talking to him but now its like all gone. I hate that i cant do anything to get him back & he's totally through with me now. I still have really true feelings for him but its like he's pushed me aside & is never coming back. It really gets to me how we were so happy together and we had such great times but its like 11 months of my life went by so fast & those were honestly the happiest months of my life. Life - Basically so complicated & i havent been doing good in it lately. Im like throwing alot of things away and getting into alot of trouble. I know its gonna come back to bite me in the ass later but i cant help it. I want to do good but no matter how hard i try i just cant. I want to like give up on myself but i know i cant because i cant dissapoint anyone else more than i already have.

Sometimes its hard to just let things go. The day me & josh broke up was kinda like a semi-end to my life. Things i used to do, and things i got used to doing while i was with him; i had to learn to change. Habits i got used to were suddenly annoyances i couldnt break. Time stood still that night and i couldn't believe what happened. I felt like; if i could just take back those little words i thought were right for that second, it would keep him with me. One mistake i decided to make ended up changing a life i loved. This guy i wanted to spend my life with was suddenly gone. Realizing its my fault isnt the easiest thing to do but its something that is and i have to get used to it. I do believe now that this is best for us but i'm not all for it. I cant sit here and lie and say i dont miss him because in all honesty i do. Yeah i wish he was still with me. Partially because i feel that i need him; and other because i want him. Theres not another guy in this world that can do the things he did and say the things he did to make me feel the way i did with him. His love is one of the only loves i've ever known. I've been with him since 6th grade off and on but in the time we werent together, there was no real relationship for me. Maybe this is time to find someone else but for me i dont want to. Not now at least. For my own selfish reasons i wanted something he didnt and i didnt care how he felt. I didnt realize what i was doing was actually as bad as it was. He meant and still does mean the world to me. I would never do something to hurt him purposefully. Weekends & nights are the hardest for me. Nights id look forward to those phone calls that would last until 2 or 3 in the morning and now i dont have those. Weekends id either be at his house or he'd be at mine but now i'm always at friends. I dont ever see or talk to him anymore and its like we ended on a hateful note. We're both doing our own thing now and its hard to think we might not be that anymore. Everyone thinks that because were over that im not still thinking about him and i dont care anymore. I guess its because im the one that started the whole break up. I wanted the break so it probably makes it seem like i dont care that he's gone but i do. I think about him more than anything or anyone honestly every day. I do want whats best for him and if its not with me then thats what it is but i just hope i get that happiness back & we can just start all over and he forgives me