Sometimes its hard to just let things go. The day me & josh broke up was kinda like a semi-end to my life. Things i used to do, and things i got used to doing while i was with him; i had to learn to change. Habits i got used to were suddenly annoyances i couldnt break. Time stood still that night and i couldn't believe what happened. I felt like; if i could just take back those little words i thought were right for that second, it would keep him with me. One mistake i decided to make ended up changing a life i loved. This guy i wanted to spend my life with was suddenly gone. Realizing its my fault isnt the easiest thing to do but its something that is and i have to get used to it. I do believe now that this is best for us but i'm not all for it. I cant sit here and lie and say i dont miss him because in all honesty i do. Yeah i wish he was still with me. Partially because i feel that i need him; and other because i want him. Theres not another guy in this world that can do the things he did and say the things he did to make me feel the way i did with him. His love is one of the only loves i've ever known. I've been with him since 6th grade off and on but in the time we werent together, there was no real relationship for me. Maybe this is time to find someone else but for me i dont want to. Not now at least. For my own selfish reasons i wanted something he didnt and i didnt care how he felt. I didnt realize what i was doing was actually as bad as it was. He meant and still does mean the world to me. I would never do something to hurt him purposefully. Weekends & nights are the hardest for me. Nights id look forward to those phone calls that would last until 2 or 3 in the morning and now i dont have those. Weekends id either be at his house or he'd be at mine but now i'm always at friends. I dont ever see or talk to him anymore and its like we ended on a hateful note. We're both doing our own thing now and its hard to think we might not be that anymore. Everyone thinks that because were over that im not still thinking about him and i dont care anymore. I guess its because im the one that started the whole break up. I wanted the break so it probably makes it seem like i dont care that he's gone but i do. I think about him more than anything or anyone honestly every day. I do want whats best for him and if its not with me then thats what it is but i just hope i get that happiness back & we can just start all over and he forgives me