David and I made love yesterday. It was... Perfect Beautiful Blissful Amazing Right When Brian and I had sex it felt like just that, sex. There wasn't any passion, for me at least. And I honestly don't understand. Brian means everything to me. I love him with all that I am, but it didn't feel right when he and I tried making love. With David, I cried. Not because it hurt, but because it was beautiful. I couldn't control the tears that followed him entering inside me. I looked him in the eyes and tears streamed down my face. I loved every second. With David it felt right. Even though I am unexperienced, I knew what to do. I knew what I wanted. What he wanted. I wasn't shy. It was short lived because his brother came home earlier than expected, but even though we weren't able to finish, I felt completely satisfied. I felt whole, complete, simply in bliss. I look forward to being able to make love to him again whenever that may be. Experiencing him some more. Showing him I love him in this newly found way.

My mom made a comment to me tonight that really upset me. I've been spending a lot of time with a new guy lately and tonight she said "You've gone wild". How in the world have I gone wild? I don't do drugs, don't drink, and I've still yet to have sex. Yes, I gave a guy a hickie, but that's the worse. At least I'm not doing what everyone else my age is doing. I just feel...unappreciated. It's like no matter what I do, it's never good enough. Nothing I do is ever okay with anyone, even though I'm 18 with a two year college degree and a full ride to get my Bachelor's. Even though I've never even tried drugs...and I'm still a virgin. I just don't understand people. :(

He makes me feel beautiful. He makes me feel amazing. He makes me feel...me. Spending time with him is amazing. He does the cutest things that make me feel so lucky to be spending time with him. He is absolutely wonderful and sweet. I want more of him.

I've been busy, dealing with far too much, but everything is going to get better, I know it. I'll be smiling before I know it. I can see myself now. I'm at peace with myself. Peace... yeah

How is it, that even though I've not lived at all that long, I've given up on life? This isn't the life I want. Why should I live a life I don't want? I'll take my chances elsewhere, thanks. My hands are scarred My heart is broken my life is torn. There's not any reason to continue living anymore. So I'm not going to suffer.

I can't believe it. It's gone.

And there it went again. Slipped through my fingers etched into the pavement under my feet. I couldn't seem to keep up with it. I couldn't seem to hang onto what I long for. I tried...... didn't I? I made an effort, but I'm slowely giving up. I'm breaking. Why? I wish I knew.

Hidden behind the faces of children,New in this world with one scream,The first night of freedom,The last night of hope,The laughter of the people around you,the cries of the people holding you,Cherished in every way,Thrown away,What else can we do with it?It's life.

That's all it is, folks. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuulll shit. =P

Fucking unbelievable... That's what it is. Ok, that's my rant. Good news... Things are going well I think, well... Kind of. But it's whatever. Post more when I feel like talking...

Please tell me what you want. I can't take not knowing anymore. I need to know what you want so I can get on with my life. I need to know. Please... tell me.

While I went walking earlier today, I thought of something funny... My father said he'd take me to work with him. Now, he works at an Asylum. I said I would go if I could see what a padded room looked like. He said. "See it? Hell, We can put you in one." "Sweet." We get to the Asylum, and sure enough, he takes me to see what a padded room looks like. He said it would be funny to show Mommy a picture of me in a straight jacket, sitting in the corner of a padded room. I tried to play along with his sick sense of humor, so I said. "Ok." They get me suited up and let me go into the padded room. Right before they set me down I say, "Wait, I need my hair pulled back." "Why?" "Because, If my hair is all up in my face, I'll look crazy." lmao. I love how my mind works....

That's exactly what your words did to me. They stung. Like a bee, Like a life full of lies just poured over me. Like I just realized that my whole life, our whole relationship, was a lie. I had lived a lie, and didn't even know it.

We argue, You forget. I cry, you play. I try and fix things, you ignore them. I ask "Why?" You say "Why not?" We argue, You leave, I stay, And cry.

Dear, of course I will catch you when you fall, but I'm waiting for you to get back up on your own. i'll be here always and forever, but you need to learn that you don't need me. One day, I might not be able to be here, and it'll be yourself you must lean on. I'm a patient person, normally, but I'm not going to be able to wait much longer. I know what is best for you, therefore if I have to, I'll push you away to it. You don't need me to fall back on every time something happens. All you need is your two legs, and your mind. With those two things, you can go anywhere in life. (lol. For some reason, that made me laugh my ass off) Anyways... As long as you see a path ahead of you, try not to let those little distractions get in your way. Keep focused on the things you want out of life and don't stop until you get them. No, I'm not saying play the lottery until you win, I'm saying evaluate what you truly want out of life, and pursue them. You can achieve anything in life if you work hard at it and believe in yourself. I believe in you, all you have to do is believe in yourself. I think I thought of something that might help. Lock yourself in your room, and cry. Cry about all of the things that upset you, the people who hurt you, and the things you've lost. Cry for all of those things. Then, when the tears have stopped, forget about them. Forget about the things that upset you, forget about the people that hurt you, don't worry about the things you've lost. That's in the past anyways. Just break down and let all of those bottled up emotions out, and when you’re finished. Write down any thing that's still bothering you, and burn it. THEN, after you've done all of that. Go hug the babies, tell your family you love them, then go look in the mirror. Tell yourself you're a better person. Say it, think it, believe it, be it.

In all honesty, I knew I'd be writing to you again soon, I just hoped I wouldn't have to. I'm not even sure what to tell you now. I thought I had covered the basics in the last few entries. I'm not sure myself anymore. I know you don't want to hear that now, You want me to lean on, but Dear, we all can't be strong all of the time. I've tried to be strong for you for long enough, it's time for you to be strong for yourself. I know it will be hard at first. Waking up hoping for that smile your used to feeling, but instead there's pain. I know the feeling, I honestly do. What do you want to come from this? Do you want to wake up every morning feeling like shit and not wanting to move on with your life or do you want to over come this and look at every day as a new start? I wish I knew what to tell you, but I can only tell you what I would do, and that's to move on. Life will always throw good and bad things at you, you have to learn to ignore the bad and embrace the good. Life gives you what you make of it. What are you making? fuck if I know, but something good will come from all of this, I promise you that. I think you may be a little over your head on this one. You're trying so hard to be an adult about everything. You're more adult than most people I have ever come in contact with. I've done some... research you could say, and I have seen that the people that try and be in control all of the time and have every detail planned out, are the one's who crash hard in the end. I've seen you crash before, it's not a pretty sight. You always try so hard to be strong for everyone but yourself. You're a wonderful person. You're nice to everyone. You put other people before yourself, I've seen it. When are you going to start doing the things that make you happy? No one can make you happy unil you've learned to make yourself happy. Go out in the world and learn. Depending on how well you are doing, I might be in touch again soon. Lets hope not.

I forgot how much I loved this band, but that's not what this entry is about. I believe one of the worst feelings in the world is being forgotten. I have felt this feeling far too many times in my life. I've felt forgotten by friends, from years ago. People I hardly know anymore. I remember when we used to hang out and goof off, just being a bunch of kids. but look at us now. They're off doing their own thing. Things they're not proud of. My friiend becoming pregnant... two times in the past 2 years. My best friend, being a total pot head. He even looks like it now. I hate how they're throwing their lives away. They can be so successful in life, if they just apply themselves, but no. They want to get knocked up or drugged up. These people, people that have long forgotten me, are people I don't even know anymore. I'm letting go of them now though, my year long goal. It's not as easy as it sounds though. You can't just let them go and move on. For me at least, it's a slow process. You have to take in the memories you have and smile for having the chance to make them instead of crying that you won't be able to make them again. That's life. People will come in and out of your life until the day you die, the only thing you have to do is figure out if they're worth fighting to keep in it. Of course, all my friends were worth fighting for, then. but i'm not sure if I'd like them now. They were awesome growing up, but I'm not into being friends with a bunch of pregnant pot heads. Not that I'm prejudice, I'd just hate watching them throw their lives away. Well, that's enough on this topic. Gets me all sad and shit.

This song seems rather depressing to me. Everytime I hear this song I think of someone sitting in a dark little room, laying on a bed crying. No idea why. Last night was rather eventful. Had another anxiety attack. Well, I'm pretty sure that's what it was... I'll google what I experienced, Yes. It was in fact an anxiety attack. I don't get them often, but when I do I feel like i'm going to go crazy. My chest starts to hurt and my arms never stop shaking. My breathing patterns change and my heart seems like it's jumping almost. It gets rather annoying, and the only times I have ever had an anxiety attack are when I'm fighting. I hate fighting, because of the way it makes me, and because fighting in general sucks anyways. Jesus... I've been out of it for the past few months, and I don't know what is up with me. I don't notice when people talk to me, I hardly hear a fucking word my instructors tell me during class, and I've just been messed up. I have an idea as to what is causing me to be this way, but there's nothing I can do about it. I'm in too deep

I believe that throughout the whole novel, Equality 7-2521 is changing his mentality of things. He begins to see how learning and discovering new things can be so life-changing. In the beginning he knows he is different and he's told one should not be different than his brothers, yet, you can get the feel when you continue reading that he believes being different isn't really a bad thing. I believe Equality is going through an internal conflict throughout the whole story. He knows he is different, yet doesn't understand why it is such a bad thing. When Equality discovers the light bulb, he decides to take it to the Council of Scholars with hopes that they will understand him and forgive him, because his discovery is the greatest thing they've ever seen. Instead, after they are showed what kind of gift Equality gave them, they decided to try and destroy the light, because they felt that a creation made by a man alone, is not a good creation. They condemned Equality for feeling like his mind was greater than the mind of his brothers. Equality feels that his creation will do well in the world, so he jumps up and takes it before the Council can destroy it and heads into the Uncharted Forrest. While on his journey, Equality is learning about individuality. He sees himself for the first time and learns that it is ok to wonder about things. He starts to have less appreciation for the society he was once a part of, which wasn't much to start with. I can't think of any more exact events that caused a conflict which in turn changed him, because I feel once the story even started he had already started the process of changing. He knew something wasn't right where he was. He just didn't know he could do anything about it until later. I feel that him going through these conflicts lead him to becoming a strong, out-spoken individual who can truly show the way to a greater, individualistic world.

The images keep coming back to me. Over and over again I see them. I'm not sure what they mean, but here they are. I leep seeing a man and woman, huddled low to the ground, holding each other as jets scream above them. One after another they fly above. The woman clutches herself to the man, feeling scared. She starts crying and she looks at him. All he can do is stare back blankly though. He knows what she wants to hear; she wants to hear that everything will be ok. That they'll walk away from this, together. But he doesn't know if he can keep lying. He looks up, and the sky turns red. His eyes stay locked on the sky, and that's where the image ends.