Said whoa.' A blindside. a hook to the ego you hit me with the truth of where our friendship died. when you stopped believing in me when i stopped hiding behind our friendship I think youre my first love. Connecting with another at the realest level shared experiences. Miles apart. living together until we met eachother. I miss you. I might hate you. Can your best friend be the love of your life. in the most platonic of ways? or your worst enemy. Heaven help me. sf

I'm not at home. With you. Without you. I look over to you and see nothing. Not a space for me. No room in sight. I'm not at home. Where the gentle mix of laundry detergent, cheap vanillla candles and disappointment envelope me in a warm cacoon. Protecting me from my self. Where i have a room. Where i have a space to do battle with my sins A place to come out with my soul rejuventated Will i fuck up again? There is no restart With you. Without you. There is no dispatch to call. To save me. I look at you and see nothing. No space. No room. Im not at home.

There are a few songs that I feel have the power to put me back together. Songs that illuminate my fears and force me to cry out the toxins that cloud my body. I go through waves. Waves of complete and utter self awareness. Waves of indifference to my own body and the person I've become. This ebb and flow eventually ways on me untill one day-- its like i wake up from a slumber. After days, weeks, months of instability masked by laughter and smiles-- I wake up and hate the girl who looks back at me in the mirror. Do I even know her anymore? Is she apart of me? Against me? My realization sends me into a spiral. I have to fix everything. All at once. Everything. But its impossible. I crash. I burn. But then one of these songs comes on.. it goes through everything--- my body, my mind, my soul. And rejuvenates me and puts me back together whole.

God, I would have moved mountains for you. You gave me this false hope. You fed me this illusion and then left me empty. You took everything and left me with nothing. I lost myself in you. I truly understand now why people go back to shitty people now. FUCK. You were my drug. Being next to you was intoxicating and draining at the same time. I left our encounters depressed and I still kept calling. My heart still skipped a beat when I saw your name. I didnt know the damage you did untill i felt my drunken shame that time when I had reached out to you knowing full well you were with her. The most sobering thought in my 24 years of life is to realize how ugly this kind of infatuation and love can make a person. You brought me to the worst parts of myself. If only i'd known sooner..

Its been 10 years and few months since I made this Diary. and every few months I come back. I read my posts. and contemplate my growth. I dont have time to fully update but i wanted to say thank you SitDiary For giviing me a place to run back to... For giving me salvation in darkness. It has always been you. Thank you.

To when I loved and lost. I'm reaching for every past relationship because i'm finallly realizing I'm alone.

/For the first time, in a long time, I like someone. THIS IS BIG. Normally I would run by now. But I cant. Not from him.. and i dont know why? I want to keep him close. I want to hnag out with him all the time. Is it because he's new and shiny? Do I like him or do i like the thought of him more? Am I crazy? I havent liked anyone like this in so long... Its so uncomfortable. I havent even let him in too far. But he's too close. The idea that someone can hurt me... scares me. Maybe I should end this?

i dream in non sequitors

Life. Have you ever danced from step to step on a cobblestone drive way that lead to hope? Under the warm sky of honey drenched in the rays of eternity. And there across the valley is a sunset and placed in the center of the yellow is a tree. With leaves made of money that fall victim to the breeze. ANd when you climb the tree and look out at the vast field. the sun begins to drip down the horizon. melting the world in the last of its rays darkening the sky with every tumble. the night air fillls the void and a crisp wind rips through your hair.

The books i read. The movies i watch. The lives i dont live. Have driven me to the conclusion that love exists. That the guy really falls for the girl. That stolen glances across the room really happen. And above all else. You always get what you want. I thought I was jaded and disillusioned. I thought i didnt believe in fairytales anymore. I was wrong, against my will and against my brain which knows better... i choose to revel in the fictionary. To dive into a literary fog of hope and love that dont happen in the realy world. You dont always get what you want. You dont lock eyes with someone at a party and fall in love. Lust and self satisfaction are what matter in this world. My acceptance of this fact doesnt matter.

Close your eyes. Imagine my fairytale world. Hey guy, I'm your girl. You like to kiss my forehead. Listen to my wishes. We like to lay in the park and listen to the pixies. Whispering non-sequiters. Telling stories about love and religion. Never hide. Oh no no no Dont hide those eyes I'm still searching for a home in them. Listen up now Welcome to my round world.

I like you. Your bed head is endearing. I find myself wincing. Was i weird? I hate first dates... Please tilt your head in my direction. one more time. just for old times sake. Fuck everything i just said. I like you. I cant sleep. I want to set your world on fire.

Stranger,'what is it about how met that drives me crazy? "helllllo" "heyyyyy" all it took was a simple gretty and i was hooked. like a fish finally reaching water relief.-- i mightve found you. I dont know you but the familiarity in your voice fooled me. Was it the muted golden lighting that made you seek me out or was it warm feeling of the alcohol circulating through your system?

You had a sly smile; a sparkle hidden beneath half lidden eyes. You tilt your head to the left. Flash- a flicker; an up and down movement of the brow. A roll of your neck -- you look up at me through those eyes and instantly-- I'm intrigued.

The speckled orange leaf-"look up or youre gonna miss it!" Me-"miss what?" The speckled orange leaf- "...the world"

Look up. The lights are on in most of the buildings Its six o'clock, is the world still working? Green, Then yellow and finally red. flash and fade. A primary color countdown. Lets goooooo

I need AIR. A fluid motion of cool crisp air to whisk through my lungs. There is a search. A scramble; a sprint towards salvation, a crawl back to self. And on the horizon is the possiblity of hope. The future at the center of the sun. Bright and ever-glowing. With the promise only good throughout the day. The girl hides in the night. Under a blanket of smoke and clouded thoughts. Her judgement: Questionable. Look up

where did summer go? So much is happened and so much changed. I cant believe i'm at where i'm at. I'm gonna miss you summer... you mightve been the best ive ever seeen.

im reallly really tired. my mind is blown. i'm just now realizing that i'm alll alone.

You're new and foreign to me. Your body doesn't speak the same language. As you try to decipher, I learn to hide. You don't know my faulty nature. On some days I wish to scream. On others I'm struck by the ambivalence of the situations i get myself into... and on most I just smile and nod. But you wouldnt know that. But does anyone? Willl I let you in? I've become so guarded. Where did I learn how to build wallls this big? I keep adding bricks, piling them higher and higher, I havent seen over the other side in so long. Will you be there waiting?