this is all ridiculous nonsense. but i miss being infinity. so maybe, at a later date, when im feeling a more compelled, a little more creative, i will write something in here of substance.

So in the end, was it worth it? Jesus Christ. How irreparably changed my life has become. It's always the last days of summer and I've been left out in the cold with no door to get back in. I'll grant you I've had more than my share of poignant moments. Life passes most people by when they're busy making grand plans for it. Throughout my lifetime I've left pieces of my heart here and there. And now, there's almost barely enough to stay alive. But I force a smile, knowing that my ambition far exceeded my talent... And rightfully so, I leave you now. Tomorrow my mind will be free of every memory that once contained you. Consider this a parting gift: May the wind always be at your back and the sun upon your face. And may the wings of destiny carry you aloft to dance with the stars

I decided that i hate you today, and that I'm never coming back.

Maybe what i needed this whole time was the fire and the couch on stilts or to lay in your lap w/ur arm around my waist and to feel warm, to feel safe let me sleep here forever and i'll always remember gazing dreamily at the moon that we will probably never reach -probably- but we can try and we can build a spaceship or hot air balloon anything to get there.

we exchanged words through smoke-filled mouths. and then we found our bodies speaking loud and our hearts rest against the flesh trading stories of loves pain, doubt, and rivaling insecurities when did we learn to speak without works and in tongues maybe we should just stop here

ok so today is the day i express everything ive been dying to say...i need to put an end to this. This referring to my "relationship" with he who shall remain nameless. but i know you know who im talking about. As much as i want to believe that this is magical, yet honest...its not. this is vile. this is cheap. and i will never mean anything more to him. i should be content with that. At least thats the way i want to be percieved. But obviously im not. I shouldnt care about what he thinks. he doesnt matter. he will always lead me back to this place of confusion. I dont deserve that... or do i? Either way, ive been through enough for this. I know i shouldnt feel cheated, or used but theres always that trickle of doubt. I think that no matter how hard i try, some things i can never forget. Am i holding that against him? Sunconsciously i think i am. and i dont want to. I dont want him to hurt me like he did before. it was all my fault then-and will be now again if i just dont stop. i hate these feelings. i hate thinking of your face.

uhh ------------------------------- tonight i write cuz im alone, tonight i write because im stoned and have been for days and days now nothings real anymore i dont remember what things feel like in reality i keep thinking and thinking and thinking i keep thinking that i need to get it together and make something of myself but then, i just get high i have to write this paper analyzing a relationship of mine and its very very hard to think of what to say I dont want to look at any of my "relationships" that closely. I wouldnt know how to explain them... anyway, silly me...i was driving home and i was certain that i had missed my turn, so i take the next possible left...it was just some random street and as i turn onto the gravel there is a sign that reads: DEAD END. now i have to turn around and get back on the highway...this seems like an easy enough task but no-i am completley inept. Eventually i get back on 71 and notice upcoming flashing lights. I do not want to get close to the policeman. Fear and paranoia overtake me..."should i keep going straight?" i wonder over and over. I keep going straight, and find that i didnt miss my turn at all because it was right in front of me. “...Therefore, since the world has still Much good, but much less good than ill, And while the sun and moon endure Luck’s a chance, but trouble’s sure, I’d face it as a wise man would, And train for ill and not for good. ’Tis true, the stuff I bring for sale Is not so brisk a brew as ale: Out of a stem that scored the hand I wrung it in a weary land. But take it: if the smack is sour, The better for the embittered hour; It should do good to heart and head When your soul is in my soul’s stead; And I will friend you, if I may, In the dark and cloudy day...” -A. E. Housman A Shropshire Lad 1896

On this Date... In 1512, Michelangelo's painting on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel were first exhibited to the public. In 1604, William Shakespeare's tragedy "Othello" was first presented at Whitehall Palace in London. In 1870, the Unites States Weather Bureau made its first meterological observations. In 1944, "Harvery," a comedy by Mary Chase about a man and his friend (an invisible 6ft tall rabbit)opened on Broadway. In 1950, two Puerto Rican nationlists tried to force their way into Blair House in Washigton to assassinate President Truman. The attempt failed, and one of the pair was killed. In 1952, the United States exploded the first hydrogen bomb at Eniwetok in the Marshall Islands. ::With Liberty, and Justice for All::

I woke up, and it was sunday. I sat in my pajamas for hours, i did laundry...LOTS of laundry, i cleaned and vacuumed. After Vacumming, i quickly cleaned out my car. In the little red engine i found a delicious bit of pot hidden under the drivers seat. Not only was this a lovely little nug, it was also the very same one that had gone missing from the former bag. That made me happy, very happy. I came back inside to do some folding, and hanging. I took a nice loong shower, the kind that wake you up on the coldest winter day. Then i did my english homework, and helped my mom with supper. TARGET called, pleading me not to leave, offering raises and benefits. I kinda chuckled and said i would call them some other time because i was busy. I ate supper with my family and then went to the movie "Elizabeth Town" with my best friend. My friend is my best friend because hes the one who knows me best-maybe? I think so, but everyone still has secrets. My best friend makes me laugh. My best friend makes me cry because he makes me laugh so hard. He helps me learn new things, things that are important to know, like traffic rules and good bands. Hes my best friend because i dont have to tell him that. [i decided that if i can remeber tonight, i will make it through the week]

Part II: Marla Singer Avatar of Susie Derkins? Somewhere between the end of high school and beginning of college, uptight, grade-obsessed Susie Derkins lost her way. The pressure to get good grades, the pressure to succeed, simply became too much for her, and she snapped. Marla remembers the girl she used to be. Free from the protective bonds of her parents guidance and the bland safety of her suburban home, Susie loses her moral bearings entirely and sinks into a dark, seamy, grim world of sex, drugs, and eccentric Albert-Einstein-like hair. Her transformation is so complete that she no longer even remotely resembles the upright citizen that her parents and society wanted her to be: thus, she changes her name. Like Calvin, Susie has become a misfit, one of society’s lost lambs. It is for this reason that she soon finds herself frequenting support groups such as "Remaining Men Together." Fate has brought her back to Calvin, whom she probably spurned back in junior high. But the two have changed so much that they no longer recognize each other! The pink dress Marla wears in one scene slightly resembles something that "Binky Betsy," Susies favorite childhood doll, once wore: the doll that Calvin stole and attempted to ransom. While Calvin and Susie mostly teased and tortured each other, Hobbes was infatuated with the raven-haired beauty. Accordingly, Jack despises Marla, whereas Tyler takes an *ahem* sort of interest in her (definitely inappropriate for the Sunday Funnies). When we are first introduced to Marla, she is but a tumor on Jack’s slowly deteriorating world. She is disenfranchised, morbid, socially apathetic”and Jack despises her because she is a mirror image of himself, his own female double. On the other hand, Calvin hates Susie because she is his exact opposite: Bright, obedient, demure—the unruly Calvin has every reason to hate her. However, certain strips definitely infer that Calvin has somewhat of a crush on Susie, and some even imply that Susie shares these latent feelings. But as a cootie-fearing grade-schooler, Calvin may only express these strange feelings through attention-getting antagonisms such as constant snowballs to the head, ransoming her dolls—and through his separate, conveniently more mature other personality—Hobbes. Unlike Calvin, Hobbes has never been bashful about showing his affection for Susie. Calvin’s imaginary tiger-friend has called her a "cutie," worn swim jams to impress her ("Girls flip for guys in jams"), and even claimed he would betray their club’s secret code if she gave him a tummy rub (which is one of the key differences between Tyler and Hobbes). Naturally, all of this confuses and frustrates Calvin beyond words, even though Hobbes is really nothing more than a product of his own mind! And though Hobbes and Susie never consummated their love for each other (he’s a stuffed tiger and she’s a kid, you sicko!) this is, of course, the exact same deranged love-triangle that is shared between Jack, Tyler, and Marla, or at least a natural progression thereof. Perhaps Marla puts up with Jack/Tyler’s apparent nonsense for so long, because it’s the sort of thing she became used to as a child? And perhaps, in the end, Jack finds solace in Marla because it’s the exact same connection he should’ve made long ago, in his suburban youth. A connection that may have saved them both.

The weekend is over friends, how do you feel about that? This is no great illusion when I'm with you I'm looking for a ghost or invisible reasons to fall out of love or run screaming from our home 'cause we live in a house of mirrors we see our fears and everything's our songs, faces, and second-hand clothes but more and more we're suffering, not nobody, not a thousand beers will keep us from feeling so all alone but you are what you love and not what loves you back that's why I'm here on your doorstep pleading for you to take me back and the phone is a fine invention it allows me to talk endlessly to you about nothing disguising my intentions which I'm afraid my friend are wildly untrue it's a sleight of hand, a white soul band, the heart attacks I'm convinced I have every morning upon waking. to you I'm a symbol or a monument your right of passage to fulfillment but I'm not yours for the taking but you are what you love and not what loves you back so I guess that's why you never call me back I'm fraudulent, a thief at best, a coward who paints a bullshit canvas: things that will never happen to me and at arm's length, it's Tim who said I'm good at it, I've mastered it avoiding, avoiding everything but you are what you love Tom not what loves you back and I'm in love with illusions so saw me in half I'm in love with tricks so pull another rabbit out of your hat

Meaning is sometimes hard to spot It begins with the flickering of cigarettes In the darkness of a dorm room Ssomewhere in the suffocated mid-west But if this is real then I was mistaken And if there is truth then why can't we find it? But beauty comes to those who have been waiting For something that is bigger than themselves But this is the sound of the hopeless kids As they scream from the basements Of the houses of their parents And this is the sound of the hopeless ones As they stare down at their books And realize that they've been lied to But if this is real then I was mistaken And if the vision's gone, then I was not aware Consistency like that which I have craved Is that people change so unexpectedly And realization finds you in a drunken airport Some planes depart and others never arrive So with this in mind I don't plan on waiting If it's time to leave and break these old ties Without something more the vision is fading But until it's gone the pain will make us try It'll make us try But this is the hope I've been searching for As the wings catch the sunlight Of the cold Nebraska skyline And this is the dream I am dying in As I wake to find tomorrow Be content without perfection But if this is real then I was mistaken And if the vision's gone then I was not aware psst...he doesnt exist

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) i am never without it (anywhere i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)i fear no fate (for you are my fate,my sweet) i want no world (for beautiful you are my world,my true) and it's you you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart) -ee cummings he may not always be around, but he always seems to call when i need him most. he asks all the right questions like "are you ok, we can meet if you need to" "no, im no my way home." "well than just talk to me, talk to me right now on the phone." "ok..." and so i spoke, and i cried. yes, I cried without shame and without guilt. As my cries twindled to soft weeps he didnt accuse me of ignorance or femininity but continued to listen and tried his best to understand my weakness. Then as calm as the waters of a dying sea, but stern and strong like the waves that float above it, he told me what he thought i should do. He didnt say he was right, or that i was wrong. He just said what he thought. And that my friend, is exactly what i needed to hear. Its exactly what i wanted to hear. Never before have my needs and wants matched so accordingly. After the turmoil was over, we set aside the "bad" in the conversation. He made me laugh, he made me laugh until my side ached, and made me smile till my cheeks were sore. He continued this until i realized that i was trully happy-in my heart and in my head (alkaline trio, Bleeder). Perhaps this feeling wont last, as most feelings are fleeting. But i will choose to remember the feeling of my side,my mouth, and my heart the next time I feel alone. Correction-the next I am lonely. ::and if love is blind then im just gunna have to feel my way through all of this::

feeling: Infinite today was probably the best day of my life. i cant even find a day to compare it to. you were the perfect ending to my perfect day, maybe you being in it is wut made it perfect? I love to laugh because laughter makes me happy and when im with you i'm always happy. always. I found a new road to take, and im taking it with you. We dont need a destination to get somewhere in life...just us. just now. just give us forever, and we will make the most of it. The only roots that matter are the roots that are really there. And there you are, sitting in my car teaching me how to forget all those sad songs that used to play through my bose speakers. And even when the volume is turned way down low, and the road comes to a sudden turn, you remain calm. You trust me, i can tell. And i equally trust you. I guess unexpected things are always bound to show up, in unexpected places of course. and history always has a way of repeating itself. so who really cares where we've been and who we've been there with, i dont care. Do you? Of course you dont...why would you. Hm, i like to think about all the more that couldve happened if i wouldve been in my apt. Its a nice daydream, imagining what will be once im there. and you are too. and he said: ::Shine on you crazy Diamond::

We are the roses in the garden, beauty with thorns among our leaves. To pick a rose you ask your hands to bleed. What is the reason for having roses when your blood is shed carelessly? It must be for something more than vanity. Believe me, the truth is we're not honest, not the people that we dream. We're not as close as we could be. Willing to grow but rains are shallow. Barren and wind-scattered seed on stone and dry land, we will be. Waiting for the light arisen to flood inside the prison. And in that time kind words alone will teach us, no bitterness will reach us. Reason will be guided another way. All in time, but the clock is another demon that devours our time in Eden, in our Paradise. Will our eyes see well beneath us, flowers all divine? Is there still time? If we wake and discover in life a precious love, will that waking become more heavenly? just another xcapade, and now im drained and tired. But it was worth it.

you know wut annie, i did like ur present but if ur just gunna fucking complain about than you can have it all back. i dont even care. take it back and get ur money back. and lets see... i believe you have my death cab for cutie cd and my garden state soundtrack that i was hesistant to lend you in the first place. but you promised you would return them the very next day. how many months ago was that? and as for my jacket, well you've had that since last winter. just give me my things, i'll give you yours. and that is that.

on the surface of a blackened river below a blackened sky we spin slowly and we speak of life of life and of reality of mythology structure configuration while all around us the world is ending yet we recline onward to end of days on this raft of burning timbers -cicero. Here i am again, trying to find the words that explain this. But we know that there is no explanation or description. And thats what makes it all the more sweet. Like life. You can live your whole life trying to explain it to yourself, or you can just live it. Live like Thoreou did, like Socrates, Confuscious, Homer...shakespear, edgar allan poe, jim morrison, vincent van gough, kurt cobain, conor oberst.... No actually, what makes those people so original and unique is that they found thier own standard to live by. They were their own greatest influence. Once a person achieves that, they have achieved all. you will never hear me say i regret it you will never see me cry pointless tears you will never feel me how i want you to you will never touch me without scaring me you will never understand everything im trying to explian you will never know how much this means to me. you will never read the words i write in the dark. the words that seep from my pores without thought, without feeling. ::but never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie:: and if you cant feel your dreams, i'll teach you because its much easier than it seems.