new journal:solitaryfille

Wednesday Julie came home and we made dinner and hung out and all that good stuff.. Thursday was my birthday! Happy 16 to me. It was an awesome day too. Me and julie tagged along with my dad on his way to work in DC. We all had breakfast together, and then split up. Me and jewels went to the zoo!! It was friggin awesome. I love the zoo. I saw the baby cheetahs, and they were so young that their fur wasn't fully grown yet, so they were just fluffy. Haha, i want one. We saw the bears and the Sea lions too, my favorite. Well actually they're was only one bear, and one sea lion. They looked so lonely. So we named them, not like that takes away there lonesome feelings but it makes us feel a little less sorry for them, i guess. So i made 2 new friends at the zoo. Edgar, and Winston! I'll never forget them.. Then we went to this cute little town called Georgetown, and we shopped around and had lunch. Then met up with my dad at Hard Rock Cafe, where i was highly embarrased to have a whole restaraunt stare at me and sing me happy birthday. Haha, it was great though. Came home, and opened a few presents, then completely passed out. Friday School. Wasn't that bad actually. We had a pep rally 6th period. Negatives: - Having to watch a cheerleaders bloomers rip right down the front - Being sorrounded by people you don't really like Positive: - An hour less of English - getting to sit next to the 4 most perverted guys in the school while listening to their comments on the girls bloomers ripping Then me and marcie went to el potomac mills and shopped around to spend my birthday money, and the wonderful 40 dollars that her parents gave to her for no reason. That's awesome. Then we went and saw 'Hitch'. Good movie. And fun times! =) :: Why where we so hyper dude?! Haha..that was the best. I swear we laughed for like 10 minutes about nothing. Well, the first 5 minutes was your yellow socks, and your pink shoes haha, but i dont know what the rest was! *laughs hysterically* I'm still hyped from last night haha:: Saturday tonight we (me, dad, marcie, jess) are going out to celebrate my birthday, again, *giggle*. At 4:30, we're off to the Kennedy Center to see the best play ever. Then out to dinner. Tonight shall be fun. Oooh, andi get to dress up in my new cool outfit, yippee! Hehe. Then to marcie's, where we shall continue our night of fun by drinking too much coke, and getting super hyper...that's what makes everything great. What we do without the wonderful taste of coca-cola? Aw, man. That was like the best birthday, for real. Idk why. I think cuz me and my sister got a little closer since we hung out all day and stuff. We talked about so much stuff. I am so happy. =) Man i love finding new music. Yay. Whoo, that was a long entry.

Man, my dad just walked in the door while i was totally bustin out singing. Like, loud. I'm a very quite person when it comes to singing in front of other people. I'm embarrased, *blush*. This weekend was super fun. Friday night, my dad went away so Marcie came and chilled at my house. We attempted to dye our hair, but that didn't really work. Then we ordered pizza w/ mountain dew. Ha, definetly not in the 'How To' Atkins book. We watched Ray, and grubbed, then passed out. Yeah, not impressed by Ray. I wish i was, but, yeah. Saturday, i decided to whip out my video camera, so we entertained ourselves for a good 5 hours. Good times man! Haha. Then we went over to her house, and we we're planning on going to see Boogeyman. We get to her house, and her neighbors come home. What are the odds that they just happened to be getting back from seeing the movie? So anyways. We hung out and stuff. Stayed up till 7am . You know, the usual routine. =) Ew, then her mom woke us up at like 9:30. Not fun. We hung out, then her friend Shellie and some cool guy stopped by and we hung out for a little while. Then supppperbowl sunday. It was fun, but i was like passing out, i was so tired. Go patriots! Whoo thursday's my birthday!! More whoo cuz julie's coming home tomorrow!! Ohh, one more cuz i don't have to go to school on thursday!! Ha, okay i'm done.

My dad let me stay home from school today. Sweet, right? Tonight, me and marcie are dying our hair. Yippee! I'm doing like blonde chunky highlights, but black back-up hair dye is needed in this process cuz if it looks bad, i'm so not gonna be walking around with it..heh. Saturday, i think we're going to see Boogeyman? Hopefully. It looks super cheesy, but i think it will be one of those "scarey" movies. I kinda like those, cuz sometimes instead of being scared, you just laugh. Good times. I watched Garden State today. I was disappointed. The commercial totally caught my attention and everything, but the movie was crappy. It was pretty much just about the typical teenagers life. This guy comes home for the first time in years for his mother's funeral. He stays in town for a little while, and meets up with his old friends and gets high and stuff. Then the guy and the chick meet and fall in love. The end. Heh, yeah. Not to exciting. But i'm gonna watch Ray in a few mintues. Hopefully that will be good. Yeah.

2-hour delay tomorrow.....FLIPPIN' SWEET!!!! Why? Don't know. Who cares?!?! =) This weekend was...different. Friday and Saturday night i didn't really want to do anything. I just kinda sat in my room and watched weird wasteless movies. Sunday i went over to jessie's house. We chilled around and stuff. Played twister with the boys. Haha, now that's good times. My birthday is coming up soon, sweet 16. I don't understand why some people make a big deal out of their sweet 16. It's just another year that you celebrate the same holiday you do everyday year, same day. I could understand if it was like sweet 18, or sweet 21. Because i mean, that just makes more sense to me. (18) Buy cigarettes, porn, and get a tattoo/piercing, (21) Alcohol, and more alcohol, and then (16)...driver's license, kinda. I mean maybe if you got your license ON your birthday, then i see no point. I want to just have a small little thing like i usually do. Truthfully inside, i really want to like go to Chuck E. Cheese and eat good pizza and get lots of tickets so i can waste them on cheesy 'prizes'. But what i'm doing for real is going to a play. Sounds kinda cheesy. I'm going to see 'Shear Madness'. It's a play based on total improv. Like there's a plot, but you make up everything as you go along. I've seen it before, but everytime's different, obviously. Then go out to dinner with the crew. I think that's "sweet 16" enough for me.

Missed school Monday and today. Nothing new. This weekend was cool though. Friday, I went to see White Noise with Marcie and Kel. It was really good. Scary too. I hate when you see a scary movie, and you think it was really scary, and then someone else sees it, and thinks it was retarded. That just makes me feel like a p*ssy. Jessica went and saw it the night after i did, after me telling her that i had like 5 heart attacks during the movie, and she comes back from it and tells me how dumb and non-scary she thought it was. I hate that shit. Anywho. Saturday, i went over to Marcie's and we just chilled. Didn't stay up until 7am this time haha. We we're gonna make t-shirts, but somehow we forgot. I never thought i'd have a friend that would make me sit in the dark and blast creepy ass Marilyn Manson songs in their room. Haha, good times. Next weekend shall be super. We're definetly having a "party". Without a Paddle came out today, and hell yeah, you know we're gonna be sittin around that TV with our fatkins diet snacks and watch without a paaaaadle. Yay. Kelly left on sunday, and i miss her so much. She spent time with me and only me during her whole 3 weeks of xmas break. I didn't think it was gonna be such a big deal when she left, cuz it ususally isn't, until she told me that i wouldn't see her again until summer. That totally sucks. When i got back from Marcie's, i looked in her empty room and just cried. I miss her so much, and she's only been gone 3 days. Hopefully by the time Kel get's home, and it's almost summer, i will have lost weight. Yippee. I'm uber excited about this stupid fatkins diet. I'm so into it, that i'm getting mad that i can't tell that i've lost weight yet and it's only been 9 days. Haha, this is gonna suck, and take forever.

New Years, wooh good times man. Went over to Marcie's and had a "party". Watching drunk adults sing karaoke, having a seriously wasted gay guy explain to us how to teach our dogs to play soccer, Alcohol and lots of Spinach Dip. Wooh! Definetly still pooped from that weekend. My sleep schedule is way messed up. Everynight, we went to bed at like 7am, 5am, and 9am. Staying up playing dress up, eating salad, and watching 24-hour marathon of Monk. Yeah. Definetly a great weekend. So, i'm on fatkins diet. Because i'm sick of being...fat. Yeah. My diet consists of pork grinds, cheese, and meat. Woopee, *end sarcasm*. Man, having serious cravings for subway when you can't have it sucks!! Hopefully this weekend i'll be going to see 'White Noise'. Yippee. It better be good. It looks creepy. Then again, so did 'House of 1000 Corpses'. *fake laugh* Tomorrow's friiiiiday. Yay, yay, and more yay. This week went pretty fast, surprisingly. Ew, except for 7th period today. Holy shit dude. I felt like i had been sitting in that stupid orange desk-connected chair for like...5 houuuuurs. Thank God someone invented brick attack.

Christmas. sad times.. - my cousin got married in April of 2001 to her high school sweetheart, and they split up on christmas. - me being stupid and regretful thinking about dumb things that have no purpose in my life anymore. - being lactose and tolerant at a family function that only includes recipes with dairy only - suffering through a game of 'liquor boot' with drunk relatives - suffering once more through a dinner at my grandma's house where conversations can make you want to go home and commit suicide, and remarks on how we need to be looking toward 'weight loss' after feeding us ghiradelli chocolate and christmas cookies. happy times.. + presents + driving to my aunt's house while listening to all my new CD's + seeing my awesome cousins who get drunk every year and arrive at 'the sproesser family dinner' and make the best remarks on my crazy drunken Aunt + watching a christmas story with the family + laying on the floor in the midst of loads of wrapping paper rubbing my stomach after a great christmas morning breakfast + gift certificates and money give-aways

It's Christmas Eve...yippee! Monday, no school because of the "bad" weather. But i wasn't complaining. Tuesday, school. Wednesday, school. Etc. Yesterday and today, me and my sister went xmas shopping, which i would have to say is the worst thing on the planet. Everyone around you is all panicked because they don't have all their shopping done, everyone's going insane, you have a whole bunch of cash that you have to spend on other people...but hey it's not like you don't get anything back in return. Any crap...jess went shopping with us today, which made it better. Then came and chilled at my house. We wrapped presents, and made cookies for my dad. They taste like ass, *whimper*. I feel really bad. My dad wanted one of his presents to be something homemade like cookies, etc. My present it just bad though, haha oh well. He'll eat it. Tomorrow, my other sister Julie is coming to visit. Saturday, presents, Aunt's house (big fun *smiles*), home. Then sunday, probably visiting my grandma and stuff. Monday, chill. Tuesday...blah blah yeah. New years, hell yeah. Hopefully i'll be going to Marcie's. And hopefully i'll be bringing some stuff with me. *evil laugh*. Good times man.

Tonight was awesome. I stayed home sick today, so me and my sister secretly went out. We went to the library and got fun books, then rented movies, and got awesome ice cream from the fabulous-o Maggie Moo's. Then we got lost in the car on purpose. It's fun. Except when you hit traffic. We started in Springfield, went through Alexandria, and some other weird places. I don't even know heh, but good times man. Then we finally found ourselves back to good ol' woodbridge. Found a disgusting place to have an emergency bathroom break. Dude mountain dew, and 4 hours in a car just don't mix. So we stopped at a Taco Bell, took a tinkle, and picked up some chalupas. (Marcie, chalupas=food this time haha...). Kel didn't agree with the chalupas, so she got herself some dixie bones. We went home and totally crashed and watched 'Supersize Me'. Dude that movie is great. It's a documentary on this guy who went on a diet of eating only McDonald's for 30 days to see what it really does to you. He gains like 45 pounds in 30 days just from McDonald's. Ew. But he has to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner there. More ew. It tells you all these cool facts about obesity and stuff. It was cool. I'm oh so very proud of myself. I got a book! For all of you out there, i never read voluntarily. But i always wished that i enjoyed it because i know that if i found a great book ,i would read it in like 3 hours. That's only happened twice. Yes, i've only really read 2 books in my life by choice. But now i have a book, and i'm excited. As a matter of fact, i think i'll read some of it tonight. Yippee. Tomorrow night, i'm going to hang out with Marcie and her friend Tess. We're going to border's in arlington to help out with a charity thing. Then back to Marcie's for good times heh.

Kelly comes home tonight!! :] I have stitches in my mouth. Yuck. I went to the dentist on Tuesday, and i had to get something done because my wisdom teeth didn't have enough room to come in without getting them removed yet, or something like that. But anyways, they had to cut some of my gums out around the area that will make room for my wisdom teeth. Sounds really grose. I know. It feels really grose, and they put this puddy stuff over the stitches to cover them up until they heal, and my whole mouth tastes like seatbelt. Not that i know what that tastes like, but you get my drift. And i've been eating pudding, soup, and bread for 2 days now, and i will be until tuesday. This sucks, cuz i'm a hungry kid and i can't eat. Haha... *sings* Christmas tiiimme, is hereeeee!! Aw their cute. Haha sorry..random. I wrapped all of my presents last night, and now my tree is even prettier. I still have to get my dads presents though. Which sucks, cuz now i have to find money somewhere. Or rob a bank. I'll probably have more luck with the bank then i will with begging for money in my house. School tomorrow, blah. - Um, so when i click on my friends link, it shows their entries instead of the links to their page. I think i broke it. Is it just me?

Everyone's away messages on Friday nights are always the same. 'Out with the crew!'...'chillin with my boyfriend and his friends'. I am so sick of that. The thing that kills me, is their 'crew' usually consists of like, 16 people. I have friends. 2. Yeah, 2 friends. Marcie and Jessica, and i am so thankful for that because there great, and the best friends i could and will ever have. But i wish sometimes that i had more of them. I remember in 8th grade, i would be able to tell people, "Oh, i can't...i have plans already." Ha i don't know when the last time i said that was. And i used to think that when i get my car, it will make everything better, yeah that's a lie. Now that i think about it, it will probably just make me feel even more lonesome. I mean yeah, i have those friends that i hang out with at school and stuff, but i don't hang out with them out of school. I would, but i always feel like if something happened outside of school, it would make school harder. You know like "Always keep your love life and your office life seperate"...or something like that. Anywho what i'm trying to say, is i think i'm just gonna be like super outgoing with everyone. Random people that walk buy, who knows it may be my new best friend. I just feel so locked up, and i know that if i talked to more people and didn't worry so much about if i think they really like me or not i could have more of what i don't have now.

That was a wonderful 5 day weekend. I've been home the past two days sick as hell. I think i have the flu or something. So i've been laying around and sleeping all day and stuff. Am i the only person who has this incredibly fake dream of how your going to meet the love of your life? I mean, it's not like it's gonna happen, but it's nice to think about. Is that really just me? I always wonder if mine is like totally outrageous compared to an average teenage girl. Nobody has ever really asked me what my "dream" is. And i've never really asked anyone else. I can't really, cuz every 15 year old i know already thinks they've met the 'love of their life', so i just get to hear their lame stories on where they met and how cute and cheesy it was. I want to meet a guy in the weirdest, most awkward way possible. If only..

Today in math, my friend Matt proved how respectful and true a guy could be. He started going out with my friend Nicole 1 month ago, and he's fallen in love with her. Usually i don't believe that, because i mean 1 month? But he's different. The way he was talking about her and telling me that he really does love her, was like, incredible. After he finished telling me everything he's done for her and how he feels for her, i just wanted to grab him and give him a big kiss. I've never heard those words come out of a guy. Ever. I was touched. I wish i could find a guy like that. Just everything he said today made me realize some things. And it will always keep me hoping to find a guy like that. He walked 5 miles to her house last night in the rain at midnight just to bring her a flower and tell her goodnight. If that's not cute, i don't know what is. I got home from NYC on saturday night. It was alright i guess. We got there Thursday night, and went to my sister's restaraunt for thanksgiving dinner, which i have to say was absolutely wonderful. Friday, we cooked a real thanksgiving dinner at my sisters apartment all day. And saturday, we walked around NYC for a little bit, and went to Times Square, you know all that good stuff. We didn't get to see NYC long, but it was fun for what it was. Kelly left sunday morning. *tear*. I'll see her again in like 2 weeks for xmas break though, so no biggie. We had fun. Usually, we have more fun. But she was weird this time. And all she would talk about is her boyfriend. Yeah, not fun. All we really did besides NYC was run errands, and go to the movies. But again, it was fun for what it was. I got my christmas tree last night! *claps* Me and my dad put it up and decorated it until about 10 last night. It looks great now since our house is all fixed up. And the bitch is gone, so we didn't have to have her ugly-ass ornaments on our tree. Yeah, OUR tree. Pfft. Ha sike..but it looks good.

Not to brag or anything, but the cookies i made tonight kick ass, there pretty much all gone now. There's no way cookies can last more than 4 days in this house. They were scrumpcious, (wow, optional spelling). Tomorrow me and my sister are going to see "Saw", again. Then going Christmas shopping. Really, i'm not too excited. Shopping in Potomac Mills anywhere around Christmas time is a no-no. It's insanity. But anywho, my dad is giving us money to buy presents for everone, cause we're both poor and can't afford anything. I feel bad cause my dad is kind of paying for his own present. Then again, that's where my 'cash flow' comes from in the first place, so yeah. I got my tongue web peirced. (Marcia : No comment, heh.) It hurts. And it looks kind of grose. But hopefully it will heal up. I like it alot. I've been eating yogurt for the past 4 days, with the exception of my cookies, hehe. Crunchy things just aren't working for me right now. I am so happy that this week, i only had like 2 days of school. Yay. Tomorrow is my last day before my wonderful 5 day weekend starts. I'm going to NYC for Thanksgiving to visit my sister. I'm oh-so very excited. We're driving up there, and i absolutely love road trips. I get to see places that i don't usualy get to, while i listen to whatever music i want, as many times as i want to. It's absolutely wonderful. I can't wait.

Someone shoot me. Quick. I have been in one of my moods for like 3 days now. Sunday, Monday, and today. I really just want to crawl up in my bed, and lay there for days on end. I don't care if people worried about me. There's only like 5 people in the world that would actually care anyways. I feel so left out of...life. I need friends. I need a boyfriend. Well, i don't need one, but i want one. I think. Anyways, that's besides the point. I don't think that there's one person on this earth who doesn't wish that they could go back in time and change something that they regret, or something. My biggest regret kills me. Every God damn day. It comes up. Somehow. Someone mentions something related to it, something that sounds like it, anything. I think i want to just move out of thise town. Go where people don't me at all. I want to find a place where people like me. Where people actually want to talk to me and hang out with me whenever. It's hard to realize that one regret can make you want to change your whole life. But i'm obviously sensitive to my regrets, which i didn't know. Wasn't really planning on finding that out, but...yeah. I just want to start over with everything. Ecspecially friends. Not that i don't have friends here, cause i do. But i only have like 2 real friends. Marcie and Jessica. There the people who have always been there when i needed them, you know, all the friendship necessities. My sister too. But she's at college, and I never get to see her. I can tell her anything i want to. Before, we just fought and never talked about anything. And Adam, i dont even know. He just hangs out with me cuz he likes me. He's not very dependable. Ugh. I really just want to leave. And take Marcie, Jessica, and my sister with me. So i'm just gonna go on for the rest of the week listening to sad, depressing music, sob in my room, and do nothing but lay in my bed until my sister comes home on friday. So, toodles.

I feel like such a tard. It seems like i'm the dumb one sitting in the classroom because i can't talk about politics with people. I'm just not a political person. I wish i was, i guess. Like when the election was going on, people would talk to me about who i would vote for if i could, and why. I had to tell them i dont know anything about politics so they could look at me like i was a mental kid eating a tampon...not that we've all seen that one before but, you get my point. I want to go to a concert really bad. I've been thinking about how happy it makes me. Think about it, a place where you can listen to your favorite music, scream your head off without people wondering if your dying, get hit in the head with a shoe, knee, etc. That's living right there...heh. I have the urge to go to ticketmaster.com and see who's around. But then again, i am completely poor. I really don't think $1.73 will get me anywhere good. The talk of the town seems to be 'Halo 2'. Now, i'm not a video game fan, but if i was, i'm sure i'd be part of this rave. Some of it's almost sickning though. The countdowns. I couldn't go anywhere today without hearing someone say "I can't wait until midnight!" Before i knew what was gonig on tonight, that just sounded disturbing to me. Anywho, i'm sure i'll have to buy it. I mean i own an xbox, i really dont know why. Hmm.. I'm starting to get into my 'Christmas Mood', which makes me very excited. I don't like wear sweaters with reindeer and santa claus on them, but i have to say, Christmas makes me happy. Me and my dad decided to skate right past Thanksgiving and decorate for Christmas. Gotta give him points for that. I'm watching Home Alone. And then i'm gonna watch All I Want For Christmas. It sure as hell feels like christmas outside. It's just a little cold. Minus the cold, add the freezing. I got to wear my gloves today =). There beautiful, if i don't say so myself. I was so proud. Usually i put my hands in my pockets of my hoodie or jacket, but today, i proudly swung them by my side flashing around my wonderful gloves.

This weekend was awesome. Went trick or treating with the chikas, then chilled at Marcie's pretty much all weekend long. Ate smore's, drank Pina Coladas, and watched movies. Many details can be added but, no. :: depression mode :: Okay, so i haven't ever felt more left out in life than right now. Something lately has just made me think that just because i'm not in a relationship, that i'm missing out on being a teenager. It's pissin me off. I really just want someone. Not anyone, i want 'him'. I want to have to worry about where he is. I want to have someone to fight with when im mad. I want to have a busy day filled with nothing but hanging out and cuddling. I want someone to tell me that i look beautiful. I need someone to tell me i look beautiful. I want him to kiss me like he means it with one arm around my waist and his hand around my neck. I want to be able to tell my friends i can't hang out because i have plans with my boyfriend. I want someone to hold hands with in a scary movie. I want someone to call me when he's at the busiest time in his day, just to say hi. I want someone to miss me when he realizes he's done the wrong thing. But i guess we don't always get what we want huh?

Me and my dad went to 'Masters Tuxedo' last night to get me some cool make-up stuff for halloween. I just got some scar things, fake blood, and some black and white face paint. I dont really know what im gonna be. I guess, just a dead...something. I'm not going trick or treating or anything, at least i dont think, but i just want to dress up for fun. Hopefully i can talk my friends in trick or treating...*Marci....::hint::* =) I picked out 2 new CD's last night at Borders with my dad. Sadly enough, they suck. I hate that so much. Arg. I finally got my permit on Saturday. I went driving on Tuesday, and it was super weird. I felt like i wasn't supposed to be in the driver's seat. Like, i don't feel like i was really driving...heh. But it was cool, and i'm still alive and no scratches on the car, yet. My friend has been suspended all week, so this week kind of really sucked. He got in a fight with 2 other guys, because he's stupid. He got arrested from school right after the fight, so everyone thought he went to Juvie. Why do i have friends like that? I'm crazy. But then again, so is he. Luckily, he's coming back to school on Monday. I missed him :'(

I missed school yesterday and today. It's kind of nice just being able to sit at home with absolutely nothing to do. Then again, a headache added to it isn't too spiffy. But that was just yesterday. Today was a lie, heh. I was supposed to read like 4 chapters of this book we're reading, and finish writing this friggin 4 page essay compare/contrast shit. I obviously didn't do it. Because i'm dumb. Not only that, but i would rather do anything else than sit in my room and write 4 pages worth of crap that's just gonna end up in the trash anyways. I wish i had something better to type about. Sorry for the inconvenience. Wasting your time was not intended.