I think today is the first day I acctually took the time to step back and look at my life where it started and where it is going and I must say that I very discused with myself and the way I have been. I have come to realize that I cant blame my wife for not wanting to be with me. Hell if I wasnt stuck to me I wouldnt want to be with me lol. I just realize that I have been full of broken promise and she gave me chance after chance after chance to change. I know I know its always seems to be that way we never realize till it is too late then we just want it to make everything better and well thats just not how the world works. I know there is know way I can go back and change all the things that I have done all the things that I have said. But at least now I can understand. I really with I had done this sooner before it got to this point but there is nothing for me to do now except hope for the best. I still think is so funny that it was so obvious but I was so blind. I mean I keep every email every note and all that becasue well for one I have the world worst memory when it comes to stuff I say or read I can remember events and all hell I can tell you in detail the day I knew I fell in love and the day I first asked my wife to merry me I can even tell you how it was the first day that I met her but if you ask me what I said 20 mins ago I have no clue I dont know why my memory works like that it just does but thats off the subject. So today I went back and started reading and trust me over the last over a year there is a lot to read and I aint even close to being done. I know I have made a lot of promise and I know that there are very few if any that I acctually kept and you know what I feel like I jack ass for it. I step back and think how could I have done that or how could I not hav done that. What the hell was so important that I couldt just be a husband. I think a lot of it has to do with me just leting the kid inside me take over and not really care about anything other than myself I mean yeah realized that I was a little selfish but I dont think I could have ever thought it was this bad. I wish there really was something that I could do. But I am pretty sure that it is too late. That I waited way to long to try and figure out my life. So what can I say I know Sorry is nowhere near enough. I do wonder for tiem ott time and I am sure I always will what would have been different if I had stoped and TRIED like a real husband should. I think the thing that breaks my heart the most is know that she did love me and at the time I was to worried about myself. So what do I do where do I go from here. that is what is now lingering on my mind. I could try again to talk to her about it but I am sure she is fed up with trying . I know I would be. So now I sit here lost in thought maybe I will think of somthing maybe jsut maybe I will figure it all out.