hey everyone... what's going on? nothing much here just chillin at the house by my lonesome. well, not really... there's people here but they're asleep still and probably won't be up til after 12:00, maybe 1:00 but whatever. yeah i can't believe i'm up already. i'm not usually up this early but okay. yeah, i'm really gonna try to keep this thing updated. it's hard when you're busy and whatnot but i'm here now. ... well, i haven't been up to, too much since i last updated but some stuff has happened... hey hold on i gotta pee X LOL. okies... anyways back to my stuff. over the weekend i did something crazy... i was supposed to spend the night with a friend of mine but i went somewhere else and omg it was great. i don't even know how to put it in words b/c it was awesome, wonderful, just crazy! and i really want to do it again but i really gotta be careful with my parents and all so i gotta watch out. and i would tell everything but i don't need people getting on here and seeing all my stuff so yeah can't say too much. but it was great! LOL ... umm, on to something else... well, the whole point of this entry was to get something out there and maybe get some help... everyone who knows me or who reads or has read my diary knows that i am in love with troy. to me troy is the greatest person in the world and i want to spend the rest of my life with him. yeah, i'm 17, but i know it's there and yeah there's only a few people who can meet in high school and then be together for the rest of their lives but me and troy are one of those few. troy means the world to me and i don't know what i'd do without him and as you know recently he broke up with me in january. and i was heart broken and didn't understand and all that gravy. and even more recently we've been talking and going out here and there spending some time with each other. well, it's been great and i never want it to stop but i'm in this state where i'm stuck basically. of course i want to be with troy and he has said some things that are really sweet and could mean a lot... but that's the problem. i want to believe the things he has told me so bad and it's not that i don't believe him or trust him but i've got this part of troy in me that remembers everything we've been trhough and all that and how he's never lied to me or hurt me and things like this but then the other side is where he's broken up with me twice and broke my heart and everything went down the drain. and so everything he has said is being tossed between those two things and i know that troy doesn't do soemthing or say something and not mean it but it's so hard b/c he did break up with me and hurt me and he said he wouldn't do that so how am i supposed to believe what he's saying now. what if this happens again. i know i just have to get my stuff together and decide whether or not i can trust him but that's hard and it's even harder with the things he's said. i mean, when the love of your life breks up with you and then a month later says he misses you, he loves you still, he needs you, he wants this to work out, and that it's going to take some time for things to get right and for me to trust what he says... it'd be hard for you to decide all this too i think. and i just want to believe him so bad and i want things better and us together but he has to show me and prove to me that he cares and that he's in this relationship for good this time b/c you don't stay with someone for 2 an a half years and give them a ring and promise them forever and just end it for no reason... or you thought you had a reason but really didn't. so yeah, i'm kinda in a spot right now and i want things to work out and hopefully they will and i think it's just harder in the moment than when you're not cuz you can't see everything clearly. so, if anyone has an opinion or some input that they would like to share leave me a comment and i'll get back with you b/c i'd like to see what some others think about this. and feel free to ask any questions. . . . and troy if you're reading this i do love you and i do want things to work out and like i've told you i believe the things you have said b/c you don't say them for no reason but it's so hard to let them all in so really just show me how much you care. actions speak louder than words and the little things still mean the most so just remember that and know that i love you... always. and you know i'm sorrie for everything i've done and the fact that you were unhappy and i couldn't see it. and also, i'm sorrie i'm not old enough to just move out b/c i know things would be better if i didn't have all these problems with my parents. well, i love you so much kid... and i'll see you guys later. and troy if you want to say soemthing you can too. see you later... toodles everyone.. ×doodles×