wellwellwellywellwell. I miss writing. It's fun and I'm not too incredibly terrible at it. It's nice to have a place to speak, but I used to overdo it. It's especially not good because it takes so long, and no one else cares, and I stay up late to do it. But what the hell, I stay up late anyway. See, look what has happened to me? I sound like shit. Television has turned me into a moron. That's what I've been doing nights. I might as well do something better. But now I have no patience. I wonder why. I wonder most of all: Am I just deluding myselg again? Is it really so good for me to be in a relationship right now? Or with him? Or ever? Is that dream I had about my family being impossible in love the truth? I hope not. I hope it doesn't come true- I want my brother and his wife to stay together and be happy. They certainly do seem to be good together, so I don't think anything would happen. But he is "the good one" anyway. Just because he can get away without being totally fucked up doesn't mean I can. I'M kinda fucked up. Not totally, but not good just the same. Sure I can manage to deal with things most of the time, but not all the time, and then it's BAD. It's not acceptable to cry with no good reason, and it's not acceptable to not be able to get close to people. OR maybe it's just guys. I don't know. There's just something untouchable about them. Distant. Inexplicable. ALIEN. All boys are aliens. Something I can't understand. Not that I'm any kind of a genius for figuring that out- Mars and Venus. Captain Obvious stikes again. I spend so much time trying to re-discover things that everybody else already knows- or that even I have said before. I must be insane. Because I just don't know anything. I don't know how to see- I don't pay attention very well. Or what I see I don't know how to interpret. Another reason to come here and write more. Writing helps me figure myself out. And... everything. But I tire.