annie found that note in the notebook i left her quite a while ago. In the note i apologized for any future pain i would inflict on her, because i knew i would let her down. She cant say i didnt warn her! lol i laugh at all of this because thats all thats left to do, smile and laugh. Crying is such a messy messy deal, and not worth it. THe goo goo dolls will always be a good band. i hate mondays, i hate tuesdays and wednesdays and thursdays. i hate fridays but ilove them, saturdays are usually hellish and sundays require dressing up and holy rollers...i like them because its still the weekend and i hate them because they inevitably lead to monday. and then the cycle starts over... "would you like that toasted?" "for here or to go?" "do you have a receipt?" "ok, this dollar amount will be credited back to your visa/discover/mastercard" i hate all of the mundane, i hate all of the ordinary. i want to live in the subconscious, i want to live in a dreamland where tick talking clocks dont exist and the air always smells like fall. i want my body to be light as a feather, stiff as a board. i want my smile to be constant and i want to be someones teddy bear. Lol thats a funny wish..but really, i want to be the thing that someone needs to hold. I want to be held. I want my tears to fall like sugar drops, and when they hit the earth i want something new and full of life to spring from it. I want to sleep peacefully and uninteruppted, i want my muscles to stop aching, i want my head to stop throbbing, i want all phones to not ring. i want to be held. without asking for it. i want to be loved, even though i dont deserve it. I want to send signals that are clear, forget the songs and intuitions, i want to say what im thinking...i dont want to be rejected. I want to be held.