my brother got his gf pregnant. now their getting married. she already has a kid, 2 1/2 yr old Elizibeth. she calims she was on birth control. we know she wasn't. she told my brother right as he was about to break up with her. she is a horrible person. she lies. she's trying to control him. we know she just trapped him. there has to be a reason the father of Elizibeth didn't stay around. he doesn't have to marry her to be in the baby's life. i'm so worried about my brother. i love him. this is going to ruin his life. my whole family hates her. i didn't hate her until yesterday. she doesn't know how to be a mother. she's only 18. figure it: she had to 15 when she got pregnant the first time. she let Elizibeth eat a stcik of deodorant, had to call poisin control. she yells at Elizibeth constantly. if she's not yelling at her, she's locking her in my brother's room saying it's "nap time" and ignoring her to the point that she is screaming and kicking the wall to be let out. i should get her in trouble. but anything i do could push my brother away. i love him. my life would be so much worse if my brother wasn't around. so i have to put up with everything. everything..................

i'm figureing out a lot about my life and why i feel the way i do. i'm finailly happy with how i'm doing in school, i've got two boys in love with me... granted i only love one back.. you know who you are... and i've got a job that i REALLY like... im happy... that is really hard o say for me... i'm happy... or at least i would be if it weren't for one thing... the bitch... my mom.... she's not my mother... she didn't give me life... she doesn't even give me any love anymore... she use to... but not anymore... it seems almost as though she won't even let me be happy... last night i was talking to her about my plans to balance out my class work and all she would talk about was how if i didn't do well, i'd fail and not graduate... which isn't true because i have As or Bs in all the classes i need to graduate... oh well.. next time i talk to my theripist i'll talk more about my issues with my mom.. ::May we all get our fairytale ending::

me and my guy are okay... but james just came back into my life after disappearing for six months... and he expected me to be all "OMG!! you're back!!! i love you!!! i want to have your babies now!!"... *ahem*... NO!! but he was all sweet for a little while... but then he reverted to not calling me back and shutting me off from his life... so i've given up on him... WHATEVER!!! ******************************************* I WANT MY FAIRYTALE ENDING, DAMNIT!!!

Life is pretty damn good right now… Love life: I’m in love… the out-of-control, all-you-can-think-about, scream-it-from-the-rooftops kind of love… you know who you are… and I’m pretty damn sure you feel the same way… (no matter how I act sometimes, that is really how I feel…) School life: got all A’s and B’s!!! Physical life: already lost 5 pounds since school started… feeling a lot better… I CAN ALMOST FIT INTO ALL OF MY PANTS!! hehe… But there are still some things that aren’t going quite as well… It seems that all of my friends at school are ignoring me… I’m not sure if I have anymore friends really… I talked to Kyla on Tuesday… she said she wouldn’t do anything with me anymore because she didn’t want to cheat on “Mike”… said she doesn’t like to cheat on people she cares about… But I was with her first.. and now she’s technically cheating on me.. so I guess that means she doesn’t really care about me… oh well… not too many people do these days…

So I first accepted that he was actually dead… that took the longest… but now it has set in that he actually killed himself…. My mom is angry that e did it… saying that it means that he didn’t really care about anyone but himself… and maybe it’s because of all the times that I almost or tried to kill myself, but I feel sorry for him… I know that he wasn’t very religious, so I don’t think that he believes in heaven or hell, but I have recently (within the past few years) become more so religious… so I’m worried now that he is suffering in eternal damnation. He was one of the nicest guys I had even known, so I would hope that it wouldn’t be so… I find myself being angry at the people who are angry or not even acknowledging his death, let alone his suicide… The memorial is this week, either Thursday or Friday… my mom is going to let me miss school to go… But here’s another thing I’m angry about… it’s just a memorial… not even a funeral… we’re just going to Eagle’s (a crapy club place where the stuff is always so tacky..) there isn’t really going to any mourning time.. just basically another family reunion… with yet another missing family member…

Last night I was on the phone… I had just gotten off the computer…. I was on myspace and forgot to sign out… I’m not suppose to have a myspace.. and my brother got on after me… So I was in my room, talking on the phone when my mom comes in and says, “come into the living room.” I immediately got freaked out and assumed that they had found my myspace… when I got out into the living room, my brother was sitting at the computer and looking at me as I entered… my dad was sitting on the loveseat and my mom was sitting on the far end of the couch… She told me to sit down… my mind was racing.. I was sure I was in trouble… Then she said, “Cousin Vicky called… you remember how Tim was having problems with his nose at the family reunion [last weekend], well, he went to the doctor to have some tests done, and the results were suppose to be sent to him today.. but…” then she started to tear up… but she continued “cousin Tim killed himself. He shot himself behind the shed. Matt, his son, found him.” I was in shock. I still am… He was one of my favorite cousins… he was always so funny… always treated me like an equal.. even when I was just a kid… He had been depressed since his mom died last year… he had smoked for over 40 years, and had been a very heavy drinker up until just a year or so ago… I only ever got to see him once a year.. I can’t even remember if I said good-bye to him at the family reunion… I cried for a few hours… but only now am I actually crying for him… Lastnight I was crying for everyone else who I have lost in my life… Tim is the sixth family member I have lost in eleven years… as well as the boyfriend who killed himself… my friend who died last year in the car accident… I just don’t know… Death and I really have become very close over the years….

Okay.. so this week has been AWESOME!!! All weekend I was sick… so that wasn’t so awesome… but Monday I stayed home because I told my mom I was still not feeling well and I got to talk to my guy… (still doesn’t want me to name him yet…), as well as james(he really pissed me off.. more on that later…), and kyle… And yesterday was AMAZING!!! I was still a little sick… but in the morning, after my mom dropped me off at school.. “he” picked me up… we went back to his place… and… ahem…. Yeah…. But it was INCREDIBLE!!! I fucking love him sooooooooo much!!! He spoils me too…. I mean.. he frickin bought me a psp when all I said was it’d be cool to have one… I LOVE HIM!!! And Monday when I was talking to kyle he said he was going to be near me that night, and he’d try to stop by… but surprise, surprise… he didn’t… oh well… he keeps forgetting about me.. to call me… oh well.. I guess I’m just not that important to him.. oh well… And the james story…. So I called him on Monday.. and I was wishing him a happy birthday again.. and I asked him what he did for it… he told me he just did the usual.. got drunk and all the fun stuff… and the he proceeded to tell me that someone offered him meth for his birthday and he accepted… (he had previously promised me that he wouldn’t do that ever again….) so I kept calling him a “fucking dumbass” (cause that REALLY is what he is for doing that shit..) and then he called me a bitch… so I was rightly pissed off… and he asked me if I was pissed off and I said no, cause you know me… I never really admit it to the person.. at least not right away… but then he kept going on about how me calling him a dumbass when he already knew that he was actually extremely bitchy… but my argument was that if he really did realize that he was stupid for doing it.. then he wouldn’t do it… I mean he turned a chick in for doing meth… and I’m actually considering turning him in… I don’t even really know why him and i are still friends… I really don’t think that we will be for very much longer…. Who do you think is right???

not sure how much i'm gonna beable to update this year... i'lll try my hardest to every few days.. but i can't make any promises... things are going good... i like all my classes and teachers.... me and "he who doesn't want to be named" are doing awesomely... me and kyle are good...

sorry i haven't updated all summer.... i know that last time i said that i would update soon.... and that was like two and a half months ago... but anyway... just really sorry about that.... ***************************************** ANYWAYZ!!!! ***************************************** this summer has been very busy... i went to vegas (not a fun place to go when ur only 17..), went to Lake Powell (not a fun place to go when you get VERY sick from extreme temperature change...(seattle to desert...)), and camping in Eastern Washington (would have been a lot more fun if i would have stayed more than three days... that Shawn guy was HOT!!!!....)... and that was in just the first week and a half... **************************************** been down at the lake almost every weekend... that's been pretty shitty... except for one night.... (if ur supposed to know about that night.. you already do....) **************************************** had a coupple of scares with missed periods.. but the E.P.T. says that my near future does not include up-all-nights and dipers.. THANK GOD!!! (i mean, don't get me wrong... i would love to have a baby... but just not yet...)... i just think all the missed periods were due to stress and travel... ***************************************** haven't talked to brandon this summer... don't really care to... after talking to him again... i think that i am finaily over him.. well as much as one can be over their first "love"... ****************************************** been talking to kyle for the past couple of weeks... he was suppose to get his liscense two days ago.. but apparently his mother had to work al day so she couldn't take him to the drive test... but he failed the written orgianlly... HAHA!! (j/k, you know i heart you........) ***************************************** i actually just spent the night at kyla's... that was pretty damn fun... well, after we went to bed... the whole afternoon and night til bout 12, she was talking to her ex whom she claims she doesn't like anymore.... uh huh... sure.... ***************************************** i think that i really messed up with this weekend... i was trying to sneak around my parents... but now i think that i am just gonna have to play sick today and tomorrow to get out of Melissa ditching me... though i really am kinda sick.. so... ***************************************** shit.... i'm missing another period this week... i'm feeling sick.... i think i'm gonna have to pee on another stick.... oh well... keep me in ur prayers.... ***************************************** me and my guy (not sure if you really wanna be named yet...) are doing pretty well, as far as i know... (though there have been a few little things... but i think that we are pretty much over them...) i really do love him SOOOOO much... and actually.. the fact that we are doing so well is why i'm gonna have to take another test.... :P fuck you!!! (not really cause that is what is getting us in trouble.....) but I LOVE YOU!!!!! ****************************************** DON'T HAVE SEX 'TIL YOU'RE MARRIED, KIDS!!! ****************************************** I WAN'T MY FAIRY TALE ENDING, DAMNIT!!!

Okay, so it’s the end of the year again…. Which means that I’ve had my diary up for about a year!!!! YAY!! Wanna come to the party?? (j/k) Anyway... same shit as last year… could quite possibly fail one of my classes… this year it’s Chemistry… but the final is tomorrow, and I’m sure that I’ll ace it… I only missed a couple when I did the practice exam, which my teacher says is almost exactly like the actual… But enough about school… I know none of you ever read this for school related stuff… So guy stuff…. Exactly one week ago today was quite possibly the best day of my life!!! (if “you” are reading this.. you know what I’m talking about….) but for everyone else….. I LOST MY VIRGINITY!!!! I know what y’all are thinkin…. “uhhh… hell no!! you whore, you lost it hella long ago…” but I’m telling ya now… NO I DIDN’T!!! I mean if you wanna get all technical… yeah… but I’m not gonna go into that… just stir up bad memories…. And I’m really happy right now… YES I SAID IT!!!! I’M HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m actually, factually HAPPY!!! Not really giving a shit about school… yes a lil stressed out…. But still HAPPY!!! “You” make me happy!!! I HEART YOU!!!!!!!!! ********************************************** But on one not so happy note… haven’t heard from Brandon in a couple weeks…. I was all excited when we talked… and he called me again….. but not for almost two weeks… But he doesn’t wanna call me, he can go fuck himself… him and Nathan…. Or maybe they can just fuck each other…. But anyway… I’m sure you don’t wanna read too much more, so I’m just gonna stop… I’ll update again soon, PROMISE!!!!

okay... last week i called brandons mom, asked for the info to send him a letter... she said she had to write him and ask if it was ok then i should call back this week... so i did... i had given her the fake name i used with him before, in hopes that he would recognize it a lil better (Alissa)... but when she wrote him, she said Melissa... so when i called her back i had to clearify that it was Alissa and not Melissa... and she gave me the info... but she also asked for my phone number so that brandon could call me, and so i gave her my cell number... later that night, he called me 4 TIMES!!! but i wasn't able to answer because i was around my mom everytime... friday at school i told all my friends, but i was so freaked out (in a good way) that i couldn't even eat... after school, my brother's gf wanted me to go with her to a job interview because she wasn't sure where the place was... while she went in for the interview, i went into a near by store... while i as in there, my cell rang... IT WAS BRANDON!!!!!! we could only talk for five minutes, cause hat was all the time he had left... so we caught up somewhat.. and he asked me if i still loved him.. and stupid me, i confessed that i did... but it turns out he's been thinking about me too and he still loves me... then later, on the way back home, he called me again... he told me he had 30 seconds left, and he just wanted to hear my voice again... OMG!!!! HE IS SOOOO FUCKING SWEET!!! I'M IN LOVE WITH HIM AGAIN!!! but i still don't know what to do... i've got nathan... kinda... then there's "you" (and you know who you are..) and kyle's been kinda sweet too (though not too recently....(but loved that pic!!!)) and i won't be able to see brandon again for at least another five years.... so it's not like i'm gonna be waiting for him... i just seriously need some people's opinions...

last two days... wednesday: started out like one of the worst days in my life... Woke up late… Didn’t have two huge projects done for school… Forgot my keys at home Didn’t have my math home work done Finished my project for first period (really crappy though) before we had to turn it in Worked on and finished math homework in second and third period Finished CWI project during math and at lunch Got everything turned in on time!!! (The night before… I called Kyle to se if he was coming… he blew me off again… swore I’d never call him again…) Was all teary because I reread the e-mails that Kyle had sent me about wanting to get back together… LIAR!!! Got home, hurried up, had something to eat, went to driver’s ed to do my first drive… Almost crashed a few times… but all in all I did okay… I DROVE ON A MAIN ROAD AT 45 MPH!!!! yay!!! Stayed for the lesson… went home… Was in my room changing into lounge clothes to just hang around in cause I wasn’t going to be doing anything for the rest of the day… Phone rang, mom yelled “phone!! It’s Nathan!!!” Nathan: hey, I’m coming over, that okay? Meet me outside. Me: uhhhh…. Ok He came over… and he asked me out!!! He was suppose to wait til today (Friday) but he said he didn’t want to wait, and since Rich ruined it and told me he was going to anyway, he figured he wouldn’t make me wait… Oh yeah… and I said yes!!! THURSDAY: Woke up all smiliy… Had most of my work done… Bragged to everyone at school about Nathan… Good day at school… Came home, talked on the phone with Scott (B), Nathan, James… and… (don’t kill me…) Kyle… ate, got ready for driver’s ed… Did all my work there, aced the pop quiz… Dad picked me up…. Mom usually does… strange… Came home, everyone was eating… went to go work on my math home work… Was lying on the couch… Mom comes up out of no where and digs her nails into my arms, I take off my headphones, she starts yelling at me and saying how my brother told her that I called her a bitch…. I start yelling back, trying to explain myself… she smacks me.. hard…. I run into my room.. shut the door, and sit against it so she can’t open it… I’m crying and txting ppl… (YOU ARE SOOOOOO NICE!!! I couldn’t believe that you actually were gonna come… no one has ever been “available” to come get me… and thanks again for the minutes too… I will pay you back…)

I’m hoping that I’ll get to see Kyle tomorrow. I’m going to the mall for silent dinners and he said last week that he should be able to get there. I really want to see him again… It’s been almost seven months since we’ve seen each other… and we haven’t even really talked that much. I don’t know why I care about him so much and even still want to be with him… if he doesn’t show I won’t be angry, but it will make it a lot easier to be able to break it off… I’m not sure that I really want to, but people keep telling me that I should… I don’t know if it is that I want to see him, or that I just want to see someone… I haven’t been able to do anything really with anyone, except a few girls and I’m feel really deprived… On the girl note… Kyla got a new boyfriend and that has totally taken her away from me… I know that I love Kyla, but I also know that she doesn’t feel the same way… oh well, that’s how it always is, right?? ). Oh well… I hope everything turns out okay… I still got a couple friends (only one that’s really reading this, you know who you are :-P (roar))

you know who you are... it's been really fun getting you know you, and you are REALLY sweet and funny... but don't worry, i won't make you break your promise to me.... ********************************************* i'm so cinfused if i should stay with kyle or not... i'll try to figure it out over the weekend...

Still haven’t been able to talk to Kyle for very long… called him last night, and he said he was just about to head out to go see “Silent Hill”… oh well, I’ll try again tonight probably… Right now it’s just more of letting him know that I’m REALLY not sure that I even want to be with him… KYLE: I’m tired of this… you told me you wanted to get back with me, that you were sorry, that you’d try your hardest not to let me down again… and guess what!!! YOU DID LET ME DOWN AGAIN!!! I really fucking like you!!! Don’t you get that??!?!?!?! And I’m not trying to be all controlling or anything, I know I’ve said this before, but I don’t think that you really get it, so I’m gonna say it again: YOU ARE ALLOWED TO HAVE YOUR OWN LIFE, I WOULD JUST LIKE TO BE PART OF IT!!! And that would mean being able to talk to you even for more than five minutes, if only once a week. I care about you… A LOT… and I really want to be with you… even after all of this shit, I still want to be with you… I don’t know if it’s just the “abused puppy syndrome” talking, or if I really feel this way, but I do want to be with you… It’s just that I really don’t think that you want to be with me… And if that is how you feel, that’s okay… JUST LET ME KNOW!!!!!!!!!!! If I can’t talk to you before the end of next week… that would be Friday, May 5… just know then that is it over… I really hope that I can get a hold of you before then…

So I'm talking to Kyle again... so if you want to... go ahead and SHOOT ME!!!! lol... I know I keep going back on my word when it comes to him... but I really do love him... more than James, Ken, Joey, all of them... even more than Kyla... (sry sweetie, but it's the truth...) I know I've been a really annoying little bitch to him, but he still talks to me... but once again I'm left wondering if it's just because he wants sex... it seems that's all we're talking about... the only way I can get his attention... Almost seems like another Brandon... says all the nice stuff, but I'm just not sure he means it... I wish that I could know that he does mean it though... I want to be with him so bad... and hopefully after he gets his license, he'll come see me and we can be close... but I'm just not sure how close he is expecting to be... I'm too much of a fucking tease... I mean there is a lot that I want to do with him... and I say that I will... but I'm not sure that I'm going to... (and if you're reading this, it's probably good, because these are all of the things I want to say, but never do...) Yes... I FUCKING LOVE YOU!!! But I'm not actually going to say it to you until you say it to me... (I'm not even sure why I'm saying it here... maybe to try to get you to say it faster... BUT DON'T YOU DARE SAY IT UNLESS YOU MEAN IT!!!) My love life is so fucked up... as soon as I give up and just want a break, all of these guys come back into my life... When I called Kyle, I expected him to say that he was busy right away and hang up... but he actually talked to me, granted it was only 20 minutes, but he told me to call back later, and when I did... he actually answered again!!!!! And we talked for an hour... I just don't know... If you have any advise at all... please give it to me... I'm sick of making so many mistakes when it comes to love...

i had the best dream ever last night... I was hanging out with Brandon’s sister at the mall and all of a sudden he comes up behind me, covers my eyes and says “guess who?”… and of course since it’s been a year since I even heard his voice, I had no idea… but when I turned around, it was him!!! He grabbed me and hugged me and we kissed… and it’s been almost two years since we’ve done that… The rest of the night I just dreamed about us doing normal couple things, going to the movies, out to dinner… and towards the end, we were at my house and no one else was there… we were watching a DVD… and he turned to me and said, “we’re still getting married, right?” and then it flashed to a month or so later and we were in my church and I was wearing my wedding dress and I was actually getting married!!! Then it was about seven years later and I was taking Alexis Marie to her first day of preschool^^ It was the best dream I have ever had… and it didn’t even have any sexual content^^ (other than the implied by having a child…) I just wish it could come true…. I think that I had the dream because I’ve been going back and looking at his profile for yahoo… he’s been in prison so his e-mail will have shut down, but his profile is still up… and under occupation is says: loving my fiancée… I cried when I saw that… I really do miss him so much… but I don’t think that even after he gets out we’ll get back together… I wish and hope that we could… but I just don’t know… He was my first true love… he shaped me… I will always say that… And I still love him…

Been talking to James a lot again…. He’s still like soo much in love with me… and I’m in love with him still…. He’s still gonna come see me this summer… WHY THE HELL DOES HE HAVE TO COME BACK INTO MY LIFE AS SOON AS I SWEAR OFF RELATIONSHIPS????(and yes…. Again….) I got the pin for my mom’s long distance, so I an call him… my cell phone is still out of minutes, an I haven’t told Jeff that I wasted all of the minutes calling someone else…. I’ll pay him back by using some of these minutes on him… But yeah… Put some pics in my locket…. I have Brandon (only five more years!!!), and Kyla, but she said she didn’t like the pic of her, so I covered it up with James’s pic… god he’s so fucking hot…. Shit.. gotta go, class is over…. I’ll update again soon…

I want it to be the end of the world. It would make things sooo much easier…. Not having to worry about getting the good career and becoming successful.. just living life… But then again, I’m not sure I even want to do that anymore… I mean, it is interesting… and I would like to see what happens next…. But each day I’m finding it harder and harder to get out of bed… I just don’t want to go out into the world… I want to stay inside… I can always call my connections to the outside world… Scott, James… a few others…. Though not to many others…. That is the other thing… people are slowly going away… even new people are leaving…. But there are also a few new people that I think may stay for a while… But why do these people like me??? Is it because of me, who I am…. Or is it because they are wanting something from me??? My money… my brains…. Sex…. Who knows… can I trust anyone anymore??? Should I ever again??? Trust has been shattered… can it be repaired??

So I called kyle on Thursday… this is how it went… Him: hello? Me: hey Him: oh, hi Me: calling to wish you happy early birthday. Figured you’d be busy tomorrow. Him: oh, thanks Me: so, what are you up to? Him: existing Me: sounds fun Him: how about you? Me: nothing Him: nothing? Me: well, breathing. Him: heh. Well, I’ll look forward to hear from you again. I’m gonna go. Then he hung up… No more than two minutes… Does that seem right?? I really needed to talk to him… he didn’t even give me the chance… So I cried all night… Heh, I actually do love him, and the fact that I really feel that he doesn’t love me is what is breaking my heart… (35th time I’ve had my heart broken…) Called Dustin after crying for a lil while… got his voicemail… left a message of something to the effect of “I really need to talk to someone, and I wanted it to be you…” I was crying hysterically by the end of it… he sent me a text message saying “what’s wrong”… haven’t been able to get a hold of him yet…