I dunno... Maybe I should be happier. I'm all gloom and doom as of late and its bringing everyone around me down too. I dont want them to suffer just because I am. A hypocrit am I. Such a hypocrit. *sighs* I dont know why, but I wanna be sad. I wanna be pained. Its confusing. I'm not new to this feeling. Hell I've felt it many times before, but I went with it. Always. Now its making my life miserable. I found something that fits me so well. My friend watches Buffy a lot so he repeated this to me after changing the words...and after finding out what I've started. "Everyday you wake up, its the same bloody question that haunts you: Is today the day I die? Its a warriors pain, a warriors quetsion, and you ask it every time the sun rises. And every day you manage to survive. You're only partly relieved because you know. Its just a matter of time. Death is on you heels baby. And sooner or later its going to catch you. And some part of you wants it. Not only to stop the fear and unceratinty, but because you're a little bit in love with it. Death is your art. You make it with your hands, day after day. Part of you is desperate to kow... whats it like? Thats also a warriors question. A warriors curiosity.... So you see, thats the secret. Not the punches you didnt throw, or the kick you didnt land. You simply wanted it. Every warrior has a death wish." And its true. Every warrior has a death wish. An expiration date. Sometimes I want mine to be sooner and then I feel like I'm gonna cry because I could die tomorrow. I swear I'm going through the hormones again. Its worse than PMS. I wish someone could help me. Save me. Do something that I cant myself. I cant save myself because I dont know how to. My moms always told me "If not you than who" and I dont know who that "who" is. Caleb cant help me. He's tried. I'm already hurting him. I've been hurting him since I met him. Even if I didnt know I was. I really need something. A straight jacket, a sedative, happiness, anything. Everythings going down hill. Faster and faster. Just someone pull me up from this rutt I've put my self in