just incase you were wondering...i have retired from this diary...you can catch me at www.myspace.com/tonya611

So Dante's nicknames were pumpkin and peanut...but his current nickname is some form of gunk...gunker, gunkie....whatever comes out! He's getting soooooo big!!! last friday he weighed 6 pounds 2 ounces and yesterday he weighed 6 pounds 12 ounces! damn. So anyway he got his new nickname because he has a blocked tear duct and his eye got all gunky. i took a warm wet washcloth to it and it looks sooooo much better now...but besides that he's doing great...i just noticed bumps on his butt this morning ...i need my husband to look at it though because i'm not sure what diaper rash looks like....my baby is so precious, i don't want anything to be wrong with him....it's so cute...at night when i can't get him back to sleep in his crib he lays of my chest and sleeps for 3-4 hour stretches which is fantastic for me...i've been successful at it so far (he hasn't fallen off) AND i'm so damn good that i was actually dreaming last night while sleeping like that...it's so funny when he wakes up..he makes the cutest noises and grunts and wiggles up me and moves his head back and forth...by far the cutest thing! he's also cute when i'm trying to get him to latch on because he starts smiling and stuff..he has this look that i call "the flirty face" because it seriously looks like he's flirting. i think he's going to have blue eyes....his hair is lighter now....everyone's like "wow, he has dark hair" and i'm like i look at him all day everyday and memorize every little detail about him....his hair is NOT THAT DARK!! oh well, what are ya gonna do? by the way, "mommy's the shit" enjoy this picture of my little pumpkin....this is when he was at the hospital.

M. shadows (above) is one of the sexiest men alive. He's from avenged sevenfold, incase you didn't know. they, and atreyu are the only bands that i like that scream...but it's the perfect mixture of actual singing and screaming. Avenged's new cd is all singing though because my sexy god would have lost his voice if he continued to scream...they're awesome, i love them. next subject, i used to roll my eyes and be pissy and in disgust when dwayne made me listen to hatebreed ....but i could recently understand the lyrics and the music is awesome too...and beccause he puts up with me when i act like that, and ignores it....i found this song with the best lyrics known....i will type them for you. "The question they keep asking me. How can one so young be so bitter and angry Well the answer is plain to see Just look around at this world that we're living in. It's die and let die, Take or be taken from And there's nowhere to run Who do we look to What have we done These times have taken the best from us. All I see is killing Another day, another vendetta There is so much suffering Another day, another vendetta I see the homeless standing out on the streets On every corner, they're asking for money I try to help them whenever I can but sometimes I can't afford to help myself. I see diseases and modern plagues of our time The greed of our leaders have made them blind To our problems, they spend millions over seas While people right here are fighting wars everyday All I see is killing Another day, another vendetta There is so much suffering Another day, another vendetta All you can do is stay close to what is true to you. Stay close to what is true to you. All you can do is stay close to what is true to you Stay close to what is true to you. Never let go of what you strive for. Hold tight, never let go Never let go of what you strive for. Never think you can't make a change. All I see is killing Another day, another vendetta There is so much suffering Another day, another vendetta" Another subject, thank you to anyone reading this who came to our baby shower...it was great! We're so overloaded with stuff now, all these cute outfits....saturday night dwayne and i went through everything and took the tags off...our whole couch was FULL of stuff....i've been washing all day and getting things organized...it's kind of depressing though because i want him now!! but we'll have him soon enough...if you think about it...7 weeks is not that far a way....especially if you consider how fast the weeks have been flying...and hopefully it's less than 7 weeks.....but only if he's healthy. i love him already he was so active today...it's like hurricane dante in my stomach..... much love, i'm in a goood mood, -tonya

today i worked eight hours, i'm exhausted. i can't wait to get this baby out and have my energy back...even though i really wont have it back because it'll all be going to him....but at least i can enjoy him then.....can't really now...cuz he's in my tummy, wearing me down....don't get me wrong, it's wonderful knowing that it's all gonna turn out for such a maricle....it's just SO uncomfortable and i think men should have to have babies :) I CAN'T WAIT to see what our little baby Dante Anthony will look like, i want to know his personality, (hopefully he's not like his dad and thinks he's better than everyone) dwayne and i sometimes think we want to have just one kid..but then other times we want to have more than one, so whatever happens, happens. Momma D is wonderful and it'll be great to see her interact with her grandson. YAY 4 1/2 MORE WEEKS!!! i'm hungry, gotta get my husband to cook me dinner.

i wish it was like today all year round. It is absolutely PERFECT out!! Dwayne and i spent all day outside...doing different things, driving, going to my moms picinic, going to his aunts. it was a good day and it's so delightful because dwayne and i haven't had a fight for a long time...and i love it. he's so cute, i dont know how i ever fight with him....alrighty, i gotta go get a shower and get ready for bed...later.

I'm not sure how it sounds when i say this, but it's very important to me. We are so lucky that we didn't get hit with that hurricane. Those poor people in mississippi and lousiana. God is killing people everywhere with these natural disasters....doesn't it say in the bible that one day the world will end with natural disasters? am i correct with that? i'm not quite sure....but while we're here complaining about the price of gas, there are thousands of people homeless down below us....i think i'm more affected by this than that tsunami because it's actually in my country. bush said it's going to take 2 years for the citites to get back to normal. I want to go and volunteer at the red cross thing but you have to be 21 and i'm pregnant and i cant.....I want to donate money but dwayne and i can't really afford to now. (and who knows it will actually go to what they say it'll go to) and they take so many taxes out of our paychecks weekly, why can't they use some of that moneY? I may be a bitch, but i really care about people. seriously, i'm the type of person that would do anything in the world to help someone out....but when you do that you seem to forget that more than 50% of the time you get fu*ked with your pants on. so it's a lose lose situation...even though it makes me feel good when i help people. i should seriously do something that involves the elderly (like for a living) old people put a smile on my face and make me happy just by looking at them....i'm not sure why, it just does. I wish i wasn't so bitter, i dont know what my problem is.

"And i never have to see the sun again...there's enough light in your eyes to lighe up all the world...."....-atreyu As you know, i had the baby on the 10th. I consider myself lucky. someone loves me, i'm not sure if it's god or someone else..but someone loves me...i had a easy pregnancy (no morning sickness or swelling...) considering i was on my feet all day at work....and then my water broke (or a membrane ruptured one of the two) at 3:30 sunday morning...i called the dr's at 4 in the morning to see what was going on and if i needed to come in and the guy PUT ME ON HOLD!! how freaking busy are you at four in the morning? and why would you answer the phone if you're busy? anyway....so i kept leaking....since you all wanted to know that...dwayne calmed me down enough to grab two more hours of sleep, how he did that i don't know. he asked me if i wanted him to stay home or go to work...since i didnt know what was going on, i told him to go to work.....i called the doctor again around 7....and she asked if i wanted her to page the doctor or if i wanted to call back when the main office opened....i said i'd wait...then the more i thought about it....i called back and then the doctor called me and told me to come in as soon as possible....so yes, it was my water that broke, they signed me in and ....i was contracting but i couldn't feel them ....i was hoping they all felt like that....wishful thinking, i have. so at around 12:30 they put me on petocin to get the contractions hurting (damn them!) and then at 4:57 Dante was born in room 324 at holy spirit hospital....i wanted the midwife to deliver my baby...and that happened and she was great....(it's whoever is on call) and i had a wonderful nurse who was very helpful.....all went great and all the pushing was worth it. best part is, dante didnt rip me open so i didnt need stitches.....by the way...dwayne came to the hospital at 10 or so....the first night home was hell and i hated everything (lack of sleep) dwayne took off work for the week which was a help./....even though i still had to wake up every two hours to feed our angel....breast feeding really is a great way to bond and he's just the bestest baby ever!!! the greatest thing in the world his him laying on my chest and falling asleep .....they love the beating of the heart....it really is the greatest feeling! i gotta go feed him now....talk to you later.

so i'm 37 weeks now, i have my weekly doctor's appointment tomorrow. Holly, my manager is convinced that i'll go into labor this weekend...i think it's funny....she only thinks that because she's going away to ohio to her baby shower and she says it's just her luck for something to happen....but i'm not gonna go into labor this weekend...although it'd be funny if i did...cuz then she'd be right. Being pregnant is great, but at the same time i want him out. Like, i'm sure i'll miss feeling him move inside or me, it's an amazing feeling....but i'm so huge and uncomfortable. It's so strange to think that right now (inside of me)he's old, like, he's all grown up ...but then when he comes out he's brand new again..and then the cycle is over...he'll just get older and older and give an attitude to the woman who carried him around for 9 months. and be disrespectful...like all kids and teenagers..that's just going to tear me apart. I kinda feel bad for the kid, cuz between dwayne and i, we're going to be pretty strict. but in the end it'll be worth it because he'll be a handsome, successful, well mannered young man!!! i decided that if he's going to go to college, he's going to work towards it and save his money from any job he does....we're going to save money for him too.....but he'll be paying for most of it....i think that's the only real way for kids to learn..take, for example all those spoiled little shits whose parents pay for it and they just skip all the time....i feel, that if they worked towards paying for it, they'll get more out of it and appreciate it. that's the plan for now...awww, my bubbi just used a tissue...i think it's adorable when he uses one cuz he never does.

our baby shower is in two days! i can't wait! i feel so bad though...my mom and pat are spending so much money on this event...i don't know why. They could have planned a much cheaper shower...what i feel really bad about is that i'm so mean to my mom, but i can't help it....i wish you guys knew just what i meant when i say that she's really annoying! she's so obnoxious and i just dont know how to handle her....i was talking to holly today about how i am to her and she said that it's probably my hormone level or something....and we'll just blame it on that...i'm so happy that she's happy about her grandson, but the really sad part is....i dont want her giving our son nightmares! you should see the way she is around my cousin austin, she's a COMPLETE nut! i'm so serious, and another thing, she smokes and our baby is gonna be totally smoke free and i know she's not going to quit smoking in her house when he's there....for goodness sake, she couldn't even keep it away from her own kids...i just dont know how to be nice to her with all of this...another thing, she put in for her vacation around my due date so she can "help out" and when she says help out she means like taking care of the baby ....when what i really need her to do is let me and dwayne bond with our new baby. and she can do the dishes and things like that...i don't want her there taking over, how am i supposed to learn with her doing everything? i'm so honored to have her there to offer to help i just wish she would have let me ask her, instead of volunteering herself without even asking me or my husband first. I know she wnats to be there when he's born, like in the room when i'm in labor, but i only want dwayne and the dr. and nurse and i dont want her to get all pissed about that, which i know she will...and the only person i want to be around when i breastfeed is dwayne, i'm just so concerned that she's gonna be (to put it bluntly) up my ass, cuz that's gonna create a fight.....which is definaltly not what i want....but if it's the only way to get across to her...moving right along...dwayne's dad is most likely gonna be in wyoming (30 hours away) when his first grandchild is born...which really really bothers me...but at least dante will have all his other grandparents there.....unless of course i have the baby on the 8th or 9th or the 25th or afterwards...which is not very likely considering i'm due on the 20th..... i had a dream he came on the 17th, i'm gonna play the freakin lottery if my dream comes true...i also have a feeling he'll be born at like 3 or 3:30 in the morning! please no! i've been thinking alot lately, i dont think i want any medicine...i'm strong enough to do it without being drugged up....of course i may change my mind with i'm actually going through it.....who knows...well, i'm done chatting now..catch ya later

when dwayne and i were on our cruise we watched a movie about the wonders, before that i've never heard of them but apparently they were really popular....this song makes me all giddy and happy!! (and it has a cool bass line) now that i can finally hear bass in a song, before i met dwayne all i heard was the guitar and drums, i don't even hear them now, it's all bass. I can't believe dwayne knew two years ago that we were going to be together for the rest of our lives....i was going through my shoebox of memories of him today and it is so sweet. The greatest feeling in the world is new love (in my opinion) like the not being able to wait to be with the person and hold them again and talk to them and just miss them all the time..it's like, you think you're going insane or something....but two years ago dwayne wrote things like "one day we will live in the same place, sleep together every night, have kids and be married." and that's exactly what happened...it probably happened sooner, ALOT sooner than he expected, but it happened..and i love him...of course dwaynie is still sweet, but just not as much, not nearly as much...i think living in different homes made it better in a way...you actually had time to miss the other....but now, i can only miss him when he's working...like today for example, i was looking through all our lovey stuff and he comes home in a bad mood because he's exhausted....that totally blew my happiness to see him away..even though i stood at the pool when he got in to cool off and i sat on the toliet seat to talk to him when he was in the shower...just cause i wanted to be near him, am i crazy? it's actually really fun to sit on the toliet and talk to the person in the shower (meaning, your lover) because it keeps them company and those talks are always the best...well not as good as the late night talks when you're trying to sleep but all you do is keep talking to one another....but then the morning comes and you didnt fall asleep until 2 hours after you intended too...wow, enough rambling.... why is angelina jolie so damn hot and perfect?

i've become so boring, i need something to make me interesting again....maybe i need to read more francesca lia block?

Alkaline trio is probably one of my favorite bands, i own all of thier cds except for thier split ep's. I think i got my first cd in 11th grade....they're awesome it just kind of sucks (for me) that they're getting so popular...i like bands that few have heard of....alright, grocery shopping time!!!

i found some awesome bands, well i didn't really find them..dwayne's warped tour 2005 cd number 2 i wrote down my favorite song numbers and got more songs by the bands and they're AWESOME!!! Strung out The matches Halifax these are my shit! enjoy:) i hope dwayne's mom comes home soon, i'm actually in the mood to read i just decided that maybe people arent leaving me comments because my comment link says "kiss me" people, you don't REALLY have to kiss me.....hehehe, but i'd love for you to leave me comments! ::kiss kiss::....hahhaa, and now dwayne has me listening to trivium and they're AWESOME too!!

dwayne and i cancelled our t-mobile because we don't get service anywhere and we're tired of paying outrageous bills for a phone we can't use....so we went to cingular cuz everyone we know has cingular and they have excellent service in our apartment..so we go there to get a family plan and because we don't have any credit we'd have to pay a deposit of $500 dollars EACH! plus the activation fee and the amount for the phone. it's outrageuos, so basically having no credit is worse than having bad credit....so we're looking (mostly dwayne) for a good starting credit card to build us so credit..i don't really want one cuz i don't want a extra unnesscary bill to pay, but we do need credit....i guess we're going to get put on dwayne's dad's cigular account and pay him each month....which is good just as long as we don't have to pay for the minutes one of the other members go over but dwayne says they're broken down....so anyway, life has not been too exciting lately so i haven't been writing much...and i don't have much time to...i found the header picture the other day and it is soooo cute, can you believe it was taken september 1st 2003??? we were so adorable..key word, were. right now i'm fat and pregnant/.....but that will be changing soon!! i can't believe our little baby will be here in 10 weeks or less!!! that's the same amount of time it's been since we got married and it seems like yesterday...i think i'm the only one that realizes that it's soooo close...dwayne's dad offered to build us another bedroom downstairs and that hasn't even been started, so i'm just giving up on the idea...just keeping it in the back of my head that it'll still happen.....then i wouldn't bitch so much, if anyone has ever seen our closet...one closet in the whole place...towels, blankets, both our clothes..there's NO room! and then were is the baby's stuff going to go? i love dante already and he's not even here...i'm gonna go call aunt ellen to see how she's doing and then go down the rich and sams so she can teach me how to crocet.

i'm so excited, everyone i know that is pregnant is having a boy! yay! now they can grow up together and be playmates, how cute. i can't wait to wear normal clothes again, i can't believe how many stretch marks i have already....how do the stars get rid of their stretch marks? it sucks to know that i'll never have the body i once had (which wasn't that great then, but now it sounds good) but it's wonderful that i'm going to have a human being that's mine...well, half mine...but still, to look at a person and know that i put him here....even though this world is a horrible place, we're going to give him the best life that we possibly can and he's going to be wonderful.....or i'll kick his ass hahaha:) i wish so bad that he had is own room, i mean he won't know the difference but i will....and the basement will be too cold and he'll grow up to be depressed cuz it's so dark and dreary down there....dammit tonya shut up...one of our regulars today at work said "count your blessings, not your troubles" and i'm going to try and keep that in mind. it's really good ....so let me rephrase my last sentence, i'm so glad that dwayne and i have shelter and food for our baby to live in. we're lucky to have what we have and we are thankful. i'm gonna go find something else to do now, have a good day!

i'm so excited, everyone i know that is pregnant is having a boy! yay! now they can grow up together and be playmates, how cute. i can't wait to wear normal clothes again, i can't believe how many stretch marks i have already....how do the stars get rid of their stretch marks? it sucks to know that i'll never have the body i once had (which wasn't that great then, but now it sounds good) but it's wonderful that i'm going to have a human being that's mine...well, half mine...but still, to look at a person and know that i put him here....even though this world is a horrible place, we're going to give him the best life that we possibly can and he's going to be wonderful.....or i'll kick his ass hahaha:) i wish so bad that he had is own room, i mean he won't know the difference but i will....and the basement will be too cold and he'll grow up to be depressed cuz it's so dark and dreary down there....dammit tonya shut up...one of our regulars today at work said "count your blessings, not your troubles" and i'm going to try and keep that in mind. it's really good ....so let me rephrase my last sentence, i'm so glad that dwayne and i have shelter and food for our baby to live in. we're lucky to have what we have and we are thankful. i'm gonna go find something else to do now, have a good day!

sorry i never write entries...the married life is kind of boring...hahahaha...seriously. we had our first lazy suday together where we did ABSOLUTLY nothing ALL DAY except for sleep and watch movies..i finally got today tomorrow and tuesday off....which is nice cuz i have to clean and stuff....(it's not too bad though cuz i cleaned last week) and dwayne's been helping me around the house, believe it or not. i found the cutest little outfit for dante and hopefully he can fit it for his first picture...i actually wish i would have gotten a bigger one because this is such a cuddle outfit but you can't cuddle them the way you want to when they're newborns...well, i'm gonna go eat dinner...

Basics [x] Your gender: Female [x] Straight/Gay/Bi: I’m straight, but girls are hot! Who wants to do a married pregnant girl? [x] Single?: Married [x] If not, do you want to be?: pass [x] Eye color:: blue/green…more blue the more tired I get [x] Happy with it?: yep [x] Hair color: brown/blonde? [x] Happy with it?: for now [x] Obsessions?: I don’t have any [x] Have a favorite quote?: blank right now [x] Do you live in the moment?: what else do you live in? [x] Do you have any secrets?: not really [x] Do you hate yourself?: most of the time [x] Do you like your handwriting?: I don’t dislike it [x] Do you have any bad habits?: yep [x] What is the compliment you get from most people?: noone compliments me….but people often tell me I would make a good manager….does that mean I’m bossy? x] If a movie was made about your life what would it be called?: it’s a bitch’s world [x] Can you sing?: not in front of people, just in my car or home and only in front of Dwayne [x] Are you a daredevil?: I used to be…can’t be anymore, got a baby in my tummy [x] What is your greatest strength?: I don’t think I have any [x] If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?: to be hot [x] Do you think you are emotionally strong?: hell no [x] Is there anything you regret doing in life: my biggest regret is moving back with my mom when I was 13…I’d be a much better person if I stayed with my dad…I think so anyway [x] Do you think life has been good so far?: not really [x] What is the most important lesson you've learned from life?: to place your needs in front of your wants….even if it is hard [x] What do you like the most about your body?: my wrists [x] Do you think you are good looking?: no most of the time [x] Are you confident?: I’m probably one of the most negative people you will ever meet Do You... [x] Smoke?: used to [x] Do drugs?: used to smoke weed, that’s all [x] Pray?: sometimes [x] Talk to strangers who IM you?: just long enough to see who they are [x] Sleep with stuffed animals?: I don’t but the husband does and it TAKES UP THE WHOLE FREAKIN BED! [x] Take walks in the rain?: it’d be nice, but I’m afraid I’ll get sick [x] Talk to people even though you hate them?: I don’t hate people, I may dislike them…but yes…I’m a polite person (believe it or not) so I have to talk to you them [x] Drive?: yes [x] Like to drive fast?: only on good hope Would or Have You Ever? [x] Liked your voice?: no [x] Hurt yourself?: yes [x] Been out of the country?: does the Bahamas count? [x] Eaten something that made other people sick?: I loooovvveee drinking pickle juice…people think it’s nasty but I’ve been doing it my whole life [x] Been in love?: yes [x] Done drugs?: didn’t I already answer this? [x] Gone skinny dipping?: no, who wants to see this fat whale naked?..exactly….that’s why I don’t do it [x] Had a medical emergency?: I had to get pumped full of morphine so they could get my to get fluid in my system…..onto next question [x] Had surgery?: tonsillectomy….hurt so bad I couldn’t even drink water….which by the was I lost 8 pounds! [x] Ran away from home?: wanted to many times…didn’t want to get my ass kicked [x] Played strip poker?: don’t know how to play poker [x] Gotten beaten up?: no [x] Thought about suicide?: yes [x] Pulled an all nighter?: who, me? [x] Talked on the phone all night?: no way [x] Slept together with the opposite sex w/o actually having sex?: everynight [x] {x}Slept all day?: nope, just naps [x] Killed someone?: I wish [x] Thought you're going crazy?: everyday [x] Kissed the same sex?: yeah [x] Been betrayed?: more than we will ever know [x] Had a dream that came true?: yes [x] Broken the law?: yes [x] Met a famous person?: no Beliefs [x] Believe in life on other planets?: they probably have a better life there than we do here [x] Miracles?: yeah [x] Astrology?: yeah [x] Magic?: i love magicians [x] God/Satan: yes [x] Ghosts?: yes [x] Luck?: meh, not sure [x] Love at first sight?: no [x] Yin and yang (that good cant exist w/o bad)?: no [x] Witches?: yeah [x] Easter bunny?: what am I, 4? [x] Believe its possible to remain faithful forever?: forever is a loooonnnggg time [x] Believe there’s a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow?: maybe [x] Do you wish on stars?: never saw a shooting star Friends [x] Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?:no [x] Pick 8 friends? only use them in your answers: (I don’t have 8 friends) Dwayne, Diag, Ashley, Jen, Josh (why not, I’m stuck working with him everyday) [x] Who is your best friend?: Dwayne {x}Who's the one person that knows most about you?: Dwayne {x} what's the best advice that anyone has ever given to you?: to not make plans….it’s really hard not to…I like to be prepared [x] Your favorite inside joke?: don’t have any [x] Thing you're picked on most about?: being spacey, ditzy [x] Who's your longest know friend?: ashley [x] Newest?: josh [x] Shyest?: dwayne [x] Funniest?: ashley [x] Sweetest?: jen [x] Closest?: dwayne [x] Weirdest?: Dwayne and ashley [x] Smartest?: dwayne [x] Ditziest?: ashley [x] Last person you talked to online?: diag [x] Who do you talk to most online?: diag [x] Who are you on the phone with most?: Dwayne, safe auto..hahha [x] Who do you trust most?: Dwayne and ashley [x] Who listens to your problems?: all of the above [x] Who do you fight most with?:dwayne [x] Who's the nicest?: ashley [x] Who's the best singer?: dwayne [x] Who's your second family?: Dwayne and his family….since they are my in laws :)

i finally got a picture from the wedding up on here....it's got to be my favorite picture.....incase you couldn't tell, we're running away from the birdseed.....almost everyone was at the door .....good thing, we got the most of it in the beginning and it wasn't all spread out....we should have used bubbles....hahahha....my daddy finally put my new muffler on today...i like my car again, but i won't love it until that vibrating stops when i'm at a redlight or stop sign and i dont' have the money to get someone to fix it....it's soooooo annoying! i'm gonna go and eat a peice of dwayne's mommy's cherry pie....i haven't had home made pie in a loonnnggg time, and i LOOOOVVVEEEE her cooking!!!! that's another plus i get from marrying my baby dwaynie ;)

The wedding day was great....except my dress was too long and myself and others were tripping on it all day. Dwaynie looked so cute and scared and nervous....i didn't mean to, but when we did the cake thing, i got it in his nose....11 days later and he's still complaining...yay, married life....we're organizing our apartment and stuff and everything is a wreck right now, so we gotta get back to that...i'll tell you about the honeymoon later...