umm yess-- im here at college... i went to my first frat party and then my first sorority party and now im a little tipsy... i miss everyone tonns from the 607 but im not gonna lie im having a pretty decent time here so far-- i guess that time will only tell! until whenever... payyyce my duuuudes!

so im still alive... always a good thing. my computer is broke-- so this has been the first time ive been able to update this in months. so im gonna give a really really quick update... High School: FINALLY OVER! Yepp thats right i graduated :) and now its summer time and im so excited that its all done and over with. College: University at Buffalo is going to be my new home in a couple of weeks... Im sad- scared- nervous- and excited all at the same time. Family: Drama drama drama... some things never change. Enough said with that. Guys: Got a new boyfriend-- Anthony. I dont know how much longer im goihng to keep him though... things have been crazy with that whole situation. I guess thats really all for now... just wanted to let whoever spends time reading this that im still alive and hopefully in a couple of weeks ill be back on and updating reguraly. Until whenever-- lataaaa looooves.

I'm extremely annoyed and upset and hurt- and basically all of those feelings that people hate to have- right now. So I guess I decided to vent and update at the same time. And just to make this updating simple Im gonna update in like sections so this way I dont forget anything-- so first... College: Well Im not going to St. Johns anymore because theres noo way I can afford it... basically balled my eyes out about that for days but instead Im going to Buffalo (UB) and who knows what Ill really do up there... other than probably freeze to death- literally. Prom: There was so much drama when it came to prom and it literally caused world war three between all of my friends... and there still is some problems and things we need to work out but for the most part things have settled down and stuff. Theres about a million things that I still have to do for prom... I already got my dress and payed for the limo-- but I have to get my shoes and jewelry and stuff... and I have to make an appointment to get my hair and my nails done. And I need to figure out how Im really going to be able to pay for dinner-- I guess that the place were going to is like $50 a person then you have to add tax and tip on to that-- so dinner itself is going to be over $100... and I have this feeling that my mom is gonna basically laugh in my face and be like heres $20 have fun with that. And P was suppossed to go with my to prom because Chris wanted to go and he wanted to go and I told P that I would take him- hes like my big brother so I know that we would have tons of fun if he went... and now hes like disappeared. I havent seen or talked to him in literally forever so basically I had a date to prom and then I didnt... but I went to the shop the other day and Q told me that he wanted to go and he would take me-- so I think that Q is going now? Hes like literally old enough to be my dad but hes another one whos like my big brother so if he goes itll be fun but I dont know for some reason Im worried that its going to be awkward. So who knows how thats really all gonna work out... all I know is that Im planning on having tons of fun and thats the bottom line. Graduation: So graduation is coming way to fast-- Im excited and Im ready but Im like nervous and scared and sad all at the same time... Im pretty excited for the actual day of graduation because tons of our friends are going up to the events center to cheer for us and stuff and then were all going out after and then the following day is my graduation partay and they all better be there and were most deffinitly going out that night too! but yeahh... its going to be a rather good time. Guys: So Mike is gone for a while... but he wrote Erin a letter the other day and said hes soo sorry for all of the bad things hes ever done to all of us and he said that he hopes that I really dont hate him and all of this stuff and that he misses all of us and cant wait to see us and hang out when he comes home and stuff. I dont really know how thats all going to work out but whatever... Ive seriously given him so many chances and stuff that its ridiculous and all Ive ever done for him was help him out and try my hardest to be there for him and stuff and he still treats me like shit... typical guy. And then aside from Mike theres Biggs... well I didnt talk to him for such a long time- like I literally hung out with Focus and Hez and still didnt talk to him... I mean he never came around but like I wouldnt even ever ask about him and stuff and then one day on my myspace he decides to leave me this random comment-- so I sent him a message back about it and then we started talking... and then later on that night I was at a party and decided to call him. I was literally on the phone with him the entire time I was at the party and we talked about so much stuff. So then for the past week or soo him and I have talked basically every day-- and like hes the one who calls me (at all hours of the night at that) to talk to me and stuff... soo he tells me that he really needs to and wants to see me so he asked if Friday night I could come over to his house after he got out of work... so I made plans to go and then he calls me while I was out at Josh&Allisons cabin and tells me that he has to go to the city in the morning and wanted to know if i would hang out with him Saturday night instead and I was like well Ill see what I can do Im pretty sure that I can and he was like please please please try to be able to come and see me. So AGAIN I make arrangements so that I can come and see him and when I call him he tells me ohh yeah let me call you back on my break... does he call-- noo. Soo I wait up for a while and try to call him and then his phones off. I was like youve got to be kidding me... soo basically right now Im getting ready to call him and be like what the fuck is wrong with you and just say a bunch of stuff to him because hes really killing me with this bullshit. And he tries to say that I play games with him- he plays games with me a ton. So I dont know... and basically I wont know anything until after I talk to him tonight- then again who knows... he might not want to answer his phone. ...but Im getting to be so tired and I guess that stuff about the guys and about prom and graduation and college and stuff were either the important things or the first few things that came to mind. Ill try to update more tomorrow about the Biggs situation if I talk to him and about family, job, and all of that good stuff. Until whenever- later kids.

i dont know how much more i can take. you ever get the feeling that the world is caving in all around you and the only thing you can do is sit back and watch. yeahh well anyways-- thats the feeling that i have right now. so much stuff has gone on and happened and i dont know its just all been to much at once i think. and then of course tonight my mom feels the need to do some form of intervention-- i really wasnt feeling it. she wanted me to just talk to her about everything going on-- soo finally when i blow up and just say a bunch of stuff that is bothering me because she wont leave me alone... she gets pissed off and starts yelling and screaming and then says whatever well finish this tomorrow. shes soo god damn annoying- i dont want to finish it tomorrow. im done basically with my fucking life here... i cant wait to move and be gone. i cant stand this place or the people here anymore. basically everything from my friends to school to family to guys is bothering me and i dont really want to talk about it to anyone. i just want to be left alone but noooo-- apparently thats way to much to ask for. when im ready to talk to people about whatever i will. its really that simple. uggg-- i know that im saying so much of all of this because im tired and upset and just angry at everyone and even more angry with myself but i dont know. thats all for now-- im going to sleep because i already know tomorrows going to be a long day and me being wicked tired on top of it really isnt going to help at all.

ook-- so tons of stuff has happened but seeing how i got home at four this morning im way to tired to make this a long entry... but ill deffinitly write one soon about everything. but i wanted to write this entry because i got my acceptance letter today from st. johns university and theyve offered me scholarship money if i go to there school and im wicked pumped because the schools in the city and if i go (which im thinking that im going to) then im gonna finally live in the city and its going to be amazing!!!!! new york cityy-- only a few more months to go :)

crazy crazy times... ive been having fun for the most part but ive really got to get my shit together. and now on top of everything thats been going on im sick and i didnt go to school today so im going to have to make up all of my classes that im already over in absences in. so thats going to be fun but its not like im skipping because i just dont feel like going to school. i truely dont feel good-- i actually feel like complete shit. and then to top it off i just realized that tonights my prism concert so thats going to be fun seeing how i didnt go to school today and now i have to still go to my concert and play and all i really want to do is sleep. my chest hurts so bad and everytime i cough it only gets worse. if its not one thing its always another-- or at least thats what it feels like. in my last like long entry i said that mike and i had been spending basically everyday together and we had... and then the weekend of erins birthday everything changed. i dont really feel like giving every little detail but basically that thursday and friday and saturday he completely fucked me and erin over and now we noo longer speak and all of this other unnecessary drama and bullshit has happened. it was all really ridiculous. so mike and kasey-- i cant stand either one of them and i really dont want anything to do with them. i dont care if erins still friends with them or not... im over it and im not trying to hang out with them anytime soon. it really truely hurt me because i did so much for them-- and not even really kasey but more mike-- and this is how he repays me. i really thought that he cared about me alot and that if anything we would be good friends and we would be there for each other when we needed each other but i guess that thats not how its going to work out. it deffinitly sucks because i still do care about him but i wont be treated the way he treated me because i know that i dont deserve it. anyways-- so the other guy whos a jerk too-- biggs... well that situation hasnt really changed. i talked to him a few times since the last time that i saw him but it wasnt really anything. but once again over the weekend we asked him to do us a favor and buy us a bottle and he refused-- and it really pisses me off because ive done a ton of shit for him and helped him out plenty of times. but whatever im really truely trying to move on. i still have so many feelings for him and i care about him so much but i dont need the bullshit from him. hes done so much to me and ive still given him so many chances and ive still basically made it obvious that i want to be with him and nooope-- he still wants to only want me when its convenient for him and thats not me and thats not what i want and for once im not gonna sacrifice what i want for what someone else wants. so with all of the drama between the guys and friends and my family i really thought that nothing could get much worse but i was wrong... i got fired like i said i thought i was going too. my ex-boss who i could never stand to begin with said that it was due to "scheduling purposes that they would have to let me go" and i still havent told my mom because i know that shes going to freak out when she hears that but ohh well what am i really gonna do. its not like i can change whats happened or force them to give me my job back because i know that thats not going to happened. soo now ive still got to tell my mom and look for a new job-- marv told me that TJ Maxx is hiring so i might apply there because its basically just like peter harris was and on top of that i would get to work with marv which would be wicked fun because hes one guy that i can actually stand these days... marv like actually defends us and like acts as a protector and not only that hes actually a good friend. i hope that him and erin start talking because i think that theyd be soo cute together and that he would be a good guy for her. and we all love marvy and we all get along so it would work out well. but well have to wait and see what happens... thursday night me and erin and katie went to boca joes and friday night we all partied/hung-out at brittnies... it was all wicked fun. and then saturday we went to marvs show and then we hung out literally all night-- we all came back to my house at eight in the morning. haha- we had some good times... but for most of the weekend i didnt feel good aka the reason why my mom made me stay home today. one other good thing that did happen over the weekend was that i got to talk to benny for the first time in forever! i miss him so much. we really used to have good times and he seriously was like one of my best friends... me and erin and him and stacks were like are own little family and we used to spend literally everyday together. but he told me not to be a stranger and said that i know where he lives and just because stacks and erin dont talk anymore doesnt mean that we cant come over and still hang out. so that was good and that really made my entire weekend better. soo i dont know-- things have deffinitly been crazy and for some reason i dont see things getting any less crazy. i guess that this weekend on saturday katie erin and alana and me might go to philadelphia for the day? and then on sunday erins going into the city with q and she said that shes gonna see if i can go with her because she wants me to go too. but i dont know if ill end up doing either-- itll deffinitly depend on how im feeling and whether or not my mom will even let me go anywhere or do anything. well i think that this entry is long enough-- im getting tired and i still feel terrible. and i still have to do some stuff around here before my concert and i was hoping that i would try and get some things done to get sort of ahead this week. until whenever.

i honestly have noo idea what to say and i have noo idea how i feel-- thats why my mood is "blank" because theres noo one emotion that fits. the past 48 hours have literally been insane. people have been in the biggest fights. parties have been destroyed. people have been arrested. and so much shit has gone down. and now im sure that more shit is going to go down. alot of dangerous shit because of everything thats happened. im soo serious- me and my friends live insane lives. but ive got to go and try to take care of some things. until i can write a much more detailed update...

im truely over people as if right now and its seriously like nothing anyone does any more suprises me at all... people are so predictable and disappointing. and sometimes the people you think are the closest to you and would never intentionally hurt you end up being the ones to come out of know where and try to basically just fuck you up- whether they do it intentionally or unintentionally. its all gotten real old real fast. until whenever.

its been literally almost a month. its crazy how time just flies by and before you know it almost a months passed and you dont know where it all went. things have been crazy as usual to say the least-- of course theres always drama... and then theres some good things that have been going on. but still life is crazy and confusing and frusterating--- but i guess in some ways its all worth it. well the last time i wrote it was right before we went to the show... and so much has really happened since then. so whoever reads this- if anyone at all- this is going to be a long entry so be preparded. starting back at the show-- me erin melissa danielle and brenda went and it was the funniest thing ever. we really had so much fun. and of course we got to see focus and hez perform-- and i got to see biggs. him and i talked and it was really awkward at first but we ended up hanging out later on. and i stayed with him and we just had a good time and i thought that things might actually be different this time. the next day me and melissa and erin went to his house to hang out and he was acting weird-- but later on he said that it was me acting different and all of this stuff and then we started to have this "serious" conversation-- but we never finished it. and basically i stopped talking to him because i just couldnt deal with any of the drama and bullshit... he literally had me in tears everyday for a week straight and i just couldnt deal with being that way. so i stopped calling him and talking to him. so around that same time mike and i started hanging out tonns. we basically talk every day now and usually see each other everyday. hes always at my house and its just crazy-- we still fight a lot but things have sorta got a little better. nothings happened and to be honest i dont think that anything will because he really fucked up by the whole katie situation-- not to mention that they both really really hurt me. and to be honest he hurts me a lot and sometimes i just wonder if he really realizes how much he does. i care about him a lot and i dont want anything to happen to him and i only want the best for him and i really wish he didnt take that for granted as much as he usually does. we spend a lot of time together so i think thats a big reason why we fight but i dont know-- its just crazy sometimes how everything can be fine and then like two seconds later were just fighting like crazy. im really confused with everything with him-- i dont know what exactly i want out of our relationship-- like i dont know if i just want us to stay friends like we are or if i want it to be anything more than that. sometimes i just want to be friends and then other times i want us to be more than that. i have feelings for him too but i dont know if i want to ruin our friendship by acting on those feelings-- and i deffinitly dont want to just be "friends with benifits" because ive been there and done that and im the one who ends up getting hurt. i dont know- i do know that i miss him when hes not around and i dont know- everything is just frusterating and confusing and im not sure what to do. so anyways... all of this other random stuff has happened but theres way to much stuff to type-- so im just gonna fast forward to last weekend... saturday i didnt go in to work-- and i now basically think that im gonna get fired. i called in and had a really good story but i dont know how much there really believing it or how much they really care. i need my job but at the same time i dont really care if i get fired because im so tired of working and still not getting anywhere... so during the day on saturday me erin mike and casey hung out and then we went to dinner and got movies to watch at my house. mike ended up leaving? which was kinda retarded but melissa came over and we all just hung out and watched movies for a while and stuff... and then later on saturday night i went and saw biggs. me and melissa went to hang out with him and focus and i was like all excited and stuff. and it made me realize that i do miss him so much-- but at the same time i was so proud of myself because i held my ground and didnt give into any temptations-- and trust me i was so tempted. but i basically was kinda bitchy to him and really like shut-off and i know that its basically because he hurt me so bad and im really scared to jump into anything with him. but i was pretty excited because he called looking for me :) and he wanted me to come and see him which was a nice change. but i said some things that came off really mean and bitchy (it was kinda the point but not as bad as it seemed) and i know that it really pissed him off. i havent talked to him since then... but maybe this weekend ill get to see him? who knows. i dont really know how i feel-- i know that i really really miss him a lot and i have a lot of feelings for him so i guess that we'll just have to wait and see. so i guess other than that nothings really been new... i deffinitly left out so much stuff but im way to tired to type out everything thats happened in the last month. so again-- until whenever?

yesterday i spent the entire day with mike. we suprisingly didnt fight like we normally do. we went and did a bunch of errands. and then we went and saw a movie and went to eat. it was deffinitly a change for me and him because we basically fight like were married whenever were together and it gets to the point where its ridiculous and yesterday we actually had a really good day together and there wasnt really too many problems. but yesterday i deffinitly realized that i can never be with mike or anything like that because hes got way to much baggage and are personalities are way to much alike so all we would ever do is fight with eachother... and not only that but whenever we fight he basically makes me feel like shit and makes it seem like its always my fault and i really couldnt deal with that on a day to day basis. so after we were done doing a bunch of stuff we picked up erin and then mike took us back to my house... we hung out here for a little while and then we went out with jen and mark... we wanted to drink last night and of course the people who always buy us alcohol were no where to be found or couldnt meet up with us for a while. soo finally i was like we really only have one option left... biggs. so i was like whatever ill call him- because weve been talking on and off again for the past few days- and i was like ill see what hes doing and see if hell do me a favor... seeing that its really the least he could after everything thats happened. so i called him and he said that he was at the studio and hed probably be there for another 20 minutes or so but if we couldnt find anyone else he deffinitly would and he said to call him in like 20 minutes because hed be getting ready to leave... 45 minutes later i called him and he was still there and he was gonna be there for a little while longer. so i was just like whatever forget about it its not a big deal and he told me that he was gonna call me in a little while and i didnt think that he was really gonna so i was like ook ill talk to you whenever... so i came home around 1:45 or so and my phone started ringing and i thought that it was probably erin. so i went to get it and saw that it was biggs. so i answered it and we started talking... we were on the phone until after 5 this morning. and he asked me if i was still mad at him and he kept asking if i would come and see him and he was asking me basically over and over again if i missed him... and he was just saying all of this stuff and calling me baby and stuff and... and i dont know. we had like a good talk and like it really just makes me miss him more and more. and i want to see him so bad because i miss him like crazy but i just dont know what i should do. should i give him another chance and talk to him again and be with him again or should i just be done with it and just stay friends with him... like he did alot of stuff that really really hurt me but at the same time he was always so amazing and other than the situation that went down- he treated me so well and we had the best times together. so i dont know what to do... i really think i need to see him-- especially in like a public place like the show on saturday and see what he says and how he acts towards me. theres potentially alot of drama that could do down there and i think how he reacts is going to say alot. like i know hes going to be working so to say but i think im not gonna be like trying to talk to him and be all over him- i think that im gonna see how he acts towards me first. but i dont know-- i know that im gonna have to deffinitly update after tomorrow... maybe even after tonight depending on whether or not i talk to him tonight. i just dont really know where things stand with us and i dont know if i want to rush into something with him. i know that i miss him and i want to be with him so bad but i dont know if thats what i really need-- its deffinitly what i want but i dont know if i need it. well i have to work today for the first time in basically forever... and i have to work tomorrow tooo- but hopefully it wont be that bad. and i dont know what were doing tonight seeing that it is friday night and all-- we deffinitly need to do something but theres a good chance that we wont. maybe ill just come home after work and sleep seeing that i have to work tomorrow. i know that at some point tonight i need to meet up with focus so that i can get my ticket for the show because he has it... but ive got to be to work in an hour. and im no where near ready. i still have to take a shower and find clothes to wear... so i guess that i probably should go and start getting ready? until later...

last night me erin brenda branden scotty josh james and stephanie crashed this stupid UE party and it was basically hysterical. we deffinitly fucked up a bunch of there shit and we were out-- but thats what happens when you want to start talking shit to people for noo reason. it was basically some of the funnest times ive had in a while. haha- and then after me and erin went back to my house and got invited to another party right down the road from my house so we were like fuck it lets just walk there... so we started walking and we saw scotty josh and james again and the party we went to ended up being really retarded so we all decided to leave. they went home and were suppossed to hang out with them tomorrow night. but when we left this party we brought mark with us. and of course he was wasted beyond all belief... and when we got back to my house he started getting sick and me and erin and everyone here took care of him until he basically just passed out. and i talked to biggs again last night. erin had called him to ask him something and he sounded like he was sleeping so erin was like nope biggs ill just talk to you later. and while we were at that party he called and we missed the call-- so i took erins phone and called him back and we started talking about a whole bunch of stuff and of course every time that i talk to him it makes me miss him even more then i already do. he asked me to call him today but i dont really know what to do. im pretty sure that im deffinitly going to see him on saturday because were going to the show on saturday night and hes going to be there but i dont know if i should call him today... i probably will end up talking to him at some point and its going to make me miss him even more. apparently ellijah is coming home today so we might hang out with mike for a while tonight? but who knows seeing that erin got into a fight with alicia last night which was basically hysterical. i cant fucking stand alicia and mike really needs to move on. it basically pisses me off that he can be mad at me and treat me like shit because i talk to other guys and because i try to move on with my life and not make him a part of it but he can talk to all these other girls and thats perfectly ook. and i almost forgot-- i hung out with joe yesterday and it was really good to just chill with him and whatever... we had fun and its good to because i dont have feelings like i used to for him. so it was nice to hang out and not have like this attatchment. i dont even think that i would have time for an attatchment because the drama with biggs and the drama with mike takes up most of my attention and most of my time. i got an acceptance letter for University at Stony Brook. so now i can either go there or Univ. at Buffalo or Univ. at Albany. but im not sure which one i want to go to yet-- and i want to hear back from my other schools before i start deciding... but at least i have some options to choose from. i have to work tomorrow and saturday for the first time in basically forever... and ill be wicked pissed if i have to work sunday because im deffinitly going out saturday night. soo thats going to be fun- im not really looking forward to going back to work. well my moms on the phone and i cant really type and talk to her at the same time... so until later?

things have been kinda crazy lately. and i feel like its been forever since ive updated so this is going to be a really really long entry. i guess that some things have changed and some things have remained the same. so where to begin... well i guess that i can start with the saturday before my birthday... i hung out with mike? and erin and katie and ellijah. it was so weird. so me and mike were basically fighting because he had said something to me about biggs and was just being a complete asshole to me and i was just like wooooow. so when everyone decided to go to downtown i just made ellijah bring me home because i didnt want to stay with mike anymore because he was being absolutely ridiculous. so school went by pretty fast... and before i even knew it it was my birthday. and my birthday was actually really good :) i went to school for half of the day and then went out to lunch with my grandparents... and then later that night i went out to dinner with the whole crew... and steff gave me a special present. haha-- he deffinitly bought smoke and gave me a good chunk of it for my birthay :) and mike had called erins phone to see if we wanted to hang out and erin told him that we couldnt right now because we were out to dinner for my birthday and i guess that he wanted to talk to me so we talked for a while and the phone and he was being so nice and he was suppossed to come and see me but he never did? so i was kinda like whatever-- we finally got done eating and after we left the restaurant we went and hung out at jordans house and smoked. it was basically amazing. haha-- then after that we all went home and i just passed out and slept so good that night. friday i didnt go to school because my mom was basically like ook whatever you can stay home... soo me jen and erin went to lunch and it was basically the funniest shit ever. and then after that we went and picked up brenda and brion and went party shopping. and that had to be some of the best times ever. so after we were done with that i went home and then melissa came and picked me up... we hung out for a while and got some more stuff for the party. then i came back home to get ready-- melissa picked me up and then we went to get loren. we met up with mark and brenda and went to liquor store... we had to wait for joe gabel to get there and he took about ten thousand years but he finally got there and bought us a ton of stuff to drink and then invited us to his house the next day because he was having a party. so we left there and went to brenda and brions house for there party... there had to be over 200 people there throughout the night and it was basically amazing. i mean it deffinitly had its not so good moments but for the most part it went well... one of the not so good moments was when mike was there. i was saying goodbye to a friend of ours and i gave him a hug before he left and mike basically flipped out and was like asking erin who it was and stuff and i was like woooow your so retarded. so then him and i really didnt talk and then all of the sudden we started fighting because he started saying some stupid shit to me... and we got into a huge fight and he left and i basically was almost in tears and i just wanted to go home. but im soo glad that i didnt because i had so much fun for the rest of the night. i think thats probably one of the top three times that ive been that messed up. i was really to drunk to even function... and basically i think i made an ass out of myself when i was outside? haha- i dont know because i dont remember everything from that night. i do know that i made one of the biggest mistakes that i could have ever made by calling biggs. we talked for 45 minutes and he said he thought i was playing all of these games and stuff and he told me that he would call me because i remember him saying that and has he called? nooope. so were deffinitly over with... i mean weve been done with for a while now but i really have nothing to say to him at this point. he knows the truth and he knows whos really playing games and i just dont want anything to do with him anymore because i dont need this kinda drama and stuff in my life. so after i got off the phone with biggs me mark brittnie and melissa went to the skylark for food? haha. i dont really remember alot from there. i remember that at some point i passed out in marks car? and then he took me home at like 5:30 in the morning? and i woke my brother up trying to get inside the house and he had to help me get up the stairs because i could barely stand up? haha-- i looove my brother. i honestly probably would have passed out on my living room floor if it wasnt for him. so saturday morning my mom woke me up and i was still drunk from the night before... and all i wanted to do was sleep but i went with her to her hair appt. and then we went and got our nails done and stuff and went to lunch so that was kinda cool. so after we came home for a while my mom told me that i could have her car for a little while so i went and got erin and took my brother and his friend mark where they needed to go... but when i got to erins she told me that someone called her and wanted us to hang out tonight and i asked her who and she told me mike and that he would come and get us and stuff... and i was like well you better call him and make sure that its ook that i come after last night at brenda and brions party and so she did and hes like yeahh its fine i want her to come and hes like ill be at her house at 7:30 to pick you guys up... and so we hung out with mike at his house? and he was kinda being an ass to me again and i was like wooow mike. so he took erin home and then was taking me home and im like look we need to talk and he was like about what and i was like about everything thats happened. so we drove around for a little while and then we parked outside my house and talked for like an hour... and he basically said that he wanted us to be together and he thought that we stopped talking because of biggs and the thought of me with someone else made and still makes him upset. and he was just basically jealous and upset about the whole situation and he missed me and stuff. and he said that hed been basically being an ass to me because he was jealous and stuff. and like our talk was amazing. and hes like i know you dont have my house number (because i used to just have his cell and then he turned that phone off and went to a new plan and got a different number and so i didnt have anyway to get ahold of him) so he gave me his house number and stuff and was like call me tomorrow and stuff. and like things were left on such good terms. so sunday night melissa and me and erin went over to his house and he did it all again- he acted like an asshole and was just mean to me the entire night and was like in a shitty mood and i was just like wooow. he was honestly being so mean to me for no reason. the only like nice thing he said to me the entire night was when he mentioned that he got into SUNY Albany and i was like for the fall semester and he was like yeah and i think that im gonna end up going there and i was like ohh well i got accepted there for the fall semester tooo and he told me that i should go there tooo. that was like the only time he was nice and stuff-- and like he was wicked tired so he asked me to drive us home and i did and like i told him that he could just stay at my house until he had to pick up ellijah and hes like noo it would be awkward and all of this stuff and i was like umm ook it wouldnt be but thats cool. soo i dont really know where things stand right now between us. i dont really know why i even put up with all of the bullshit he puts me through but i do. so who knows... but then yesterday i talked to joe for the first time in a long time? and he basically told me that he wants us to start hanging out again and that he wanted me to have whatever i wanted and all of this stuff. and i dont know it was weird but like a good weird. soo i dont know i guess that him and i might hang out... i told him that i would call him when i wanted to hang out and i havent yet so well see how that goes. i dont know if i really want to have something happen with us if im trying to make things work again with mike... which probably will never happen. this is all way to confusing. and i got accepted to University at Buffalo and Albany. im still waiting to hear back from some other schools so time will only tell. i was pretty excited seeing that i was getting a little nervous because i hadnt heard back from any schools. im going to get my hair done today-- i still have noo idea what i want done to it... i dont know what color highlights i want. i dont know how i want it cut. and my appoinment is in like an hour. and then after that i have to go to work. and plans for tonight... who knows. maybe ill hang out with mike tonight? maybe i wont. i really have nooo idea at this point. but i guess that thats really all thats been new? this entry was so lonnng-- but it was deffinitly good to vent about everything thats been going on. update soon? yepp i think soo.

so everythings over between us. the "truth" finally came out-- when once again in my life i had to be the mature one and i brought it out. and out of everyone involved in the entire situation im the youngest and im still more of an adult then everyone else. but i havent talked to him since friday night-- and then all of this stuff happened on saturday so i dont really think that im going to be talking to him. and what sucks is that i still kinda wish that id get to talk to him-- at least one more time so that he could at least apologize and tell me the truth and really mean what he says but for some reason i dont see that ever happening. he basically broke my heart in two and i feel like ive wasted so much time with him. on top of that my mom found out about everything-- well she didnt just randomly find out about-- we talked about it and she knows everything thats happened. she was a little bit upset but understands that im older now and that i can have a relationship and do things that i want to do and that theres not really alot of stuff that she can do about it. but shes cool with me seeing basically whoever i want-- but she just worries about me getting hurt or having a mistake happen that will screw up my future. my birthday is in nine days and im most deffinitely going out with the crew :) thats really the only thing thats making me happy right now. the other thing is that i need to find a new guy before my birthday... so that way i can go out and spend the night having fun with someone i want to-- and have fun on my birthday :) so im trying to be positive and im trying not to think about all of the bad things-- but its still been easier said than done.

so yepp im one of those girls. one of the ones that i said id never be like. it still amazes me how much stuff has changed between him and i overnight. but he still thinks that i really dont know whats going on and as fucked up as this sounds i really wish that i didnt know what was going on because at least i would have been happier that way. he still thinks that things are fine between us and stuff but each day i get more information about stuff and the more mad i get towards him-- but we havent really "had time" to actually sit down and talk... i want to talk in person but i dont know how thats really going to work out. but as off right now-- i think that im just going to go and call him and we can talk on the phone because i cant keep putting this off anymore. my hearts literally breaking into two and hes just like yepp ook everythings fine and its not. i like him soo much and even after everything i still want to be with him and i hate the fact that someone has that much control over my feelings and my actions. its honestly ridiculous. yepp- im officially one of those girls... whos still crying over a guy.

i absolutely hate feeling like this. and right now i cant stand him. i still like him so so much but i cant fuck with this kind of bullshit and drama. i hate being lied to and i hate that he really thinks that im that stupid. and i really have never done anything to deserve this. and i would have never ever done this to him. and once again im crying over a guy.

last night and today-- both amazing. thats really the only way to describe it. i had to work last night with my love andrea! haha- we basically do nothing whenever we work together. we orded pizza and just hung out for the first part of our shift... and then towards the second part of our shift we got everything we needed to do done. well just as we were about to close one of the girls from downstairs called and said that the police were going to be coming up stairs-- apparently some lady had stole from there store and was caught and then they realized that she stole from our store. so we ended up getting out of work late... but after we were finally done with everything-- i went over to andreas with her and her friend jackie and we just hung out there for a while and then after i was done haning out there with them for a while... i went and stayed with this guy i know... and before i got there he made me a little bit pissed but he had his ways of making up for it :) its so weird because as mad as i can get at him-- i cant stay mad at him when i get with him. so i stayed with him last night and then basically all day today and had an amazing time. i didnt leave today until three or soo? so thats all the detail that i feel like writing about that. so jennyT and erin came to pick me up today... and after the nights that we each had with our guys :) we were starving so we decided to go to the olive garden for lunch which was absolutely delicious. our waitress was kinda rude and a little bit annoying-- that was the only bad thing. she was crazy but the food was good and we had fun like always. we were suppossed to have a girls movie night tonight and then after like around midnight or so we were suppose to go to this party-- but we never did. i think that it was kinda a good thing because i know that were all really tired and sore... and that a night at home wouldnt kill any of us. so tomorrow-- because we have noo school again :) and because i have the house to myself-- were going to all just lounge and hang out and watch movies and what not. and then i guess that friday night is a real girls night at lorens house? and its a reunion from the 'suprise party' crew- haha. well im getting tired and ive got to go and talk to that guy that i know. latttaaaa.

so this is so weird for me. im pretty pissed off at him right now from last night. but i miss him right now. and i dont miss people? thats not me. i folded and just tried to call him but once again no answer because it was restricted-- he knows that my house comes up on his phone as restricted but still never answers. so basically if he doesnt call me at all tonight-- or doesnt answer when i call him... im going to be even more pissed. and i hate when i get like this... and this is exactly why him and i have to talk because i need to know where were going with this and how attatched i should get because im already starting to get attatched and i cant get this way because this is how i end up heart-broken. well anyways tomorrow is our only day of school this week and then we have testing on other days but i dont have tests until thursday and friday... and i have rehearsal on thursday tooo but anyways... tomorrow after work i was going to go to andreas house and hang out with her for a little while and then maybe go and see that guy i know and stay with him for the night. but if he doesnt answer his phone or call-- then thats not going to happen. but that would work out perfectly because i could go right from work to andreas and then andrea lives like two blocks away from his house and then i could go to his house for the night and not have to worry about going to class the next day or going to work or anything. soo uggg... he better call or pick up his phone. ook enough obsessing over a guy. this entry was deffinitely pathetic-- but you know what sometimes its ook to be pathetic. and as sad as it is to say-- this is one of my times.

so earlier when i said that tonight was going to be amazing... yepp well that was a lie. right now im really pissed the fuck off at that guy that i know. he really fucked up what was going to be an amazing night. and on top of it he still has my fucking movie-- and i probably wont see him until myabe next weekend? and so yeahh- im gonna have about $20 in late fees for that one fucking movie. but anyway im really irritated right now because it could have been so simple... all he had to say was yes i want you to come over or no not tonight. if it was yes then i could have stayed where i was at and came over when i was ready but if it was no then i would have to leave when my ride was leaving. so instead of just answering the phone or texting me back-- he doesnt answer... and i cant just be stranded in binghamton for the night so i had to leave when brandon was leaving. and because he was taking brenda home (who had to be home at 1) then i had to leave with them. so no seeing that guy that i know tonight unless he wants to come and get me or pay for a cab and i dont see that happening. soo yeah now not only will i not get to see him until probably next weekend-- making it two weeks since ive seen him-- i didnt get to get my love on tonight which makes me really pissed. ook-- enough bitching. anyone who reads this can already tell how pissed i am and me going on about it wont change anything. so i guess thats really all-- ohh and by the way im not even fucked up and i havent gotten fucked up since last friday... so over a week? yeahh this shit fucking sucks and right now i really cant wait to be out of here. i really cant fuck with any of this bullshit right now.

so that survey was kinda random and a little late... but im wicked bored soo yeahh. right now im talking to this guy i know :) he just called me-- and im not really sure why? just to say hi i guess? and to see how the status of my car is? which by the way-- its still not working and its still just sitting at the mall in the parking lot... and i dont know if im going to get it fixed or not. soo he just said that hes going to call me back on his break because hes at work right now? so that was kinda random and was a wicked short conversation. but at least he called :) hopefully he wont fuck up tonight and ill get to see him and stay with him :) i feel like its been forever since ive seen him. even though its only been a week. but still a week seems like a long time when you want to see someone this badly :) and he still has the movie that we rented last week and now its late. yayy for late feees. well anyway-- tonight is moookies party. i hope that everything works out because i love moooks but these things dont always work out with her parties. and hopefully alot of people will go. and how weird is this my phone just rang again-- and its mookie and she said everythings set for tonight! haha that soo weirrrd. so yayy now im excited. things are set now- so hopefully theyll stay that way. i guess that moookie wants us to invite like everyone we know? haha so this should be fun :) and im excited to because that guy i know-- well he lives like two blocks from where the party is going to be so that way i can go over there when im done with the party-- that is if he doesnt mess up my whole plan for tonight :) but im going with jen in like an hour or soo to go and pick up her boyfriend in pennsylvaniaa :O haha-- it should be a fun trip. she just called tooo to make sure that im still going. i still have to get ready and do some other stuff around here though which sucks. soo i suppose that i should go and start getting ready and start getting that stuff donnnne. until whenever kidds? payyyyce.

THINGS YOU DID IN 2005... (x) stayed single the whole year. ( ) got your first kiss. (x) kissed someone new. ( ) made-out for the first time. (x) made-out in/on a car. ( ) kissed in the snow. ( ) kissed in the rain. ( ) fell in love. ( ) fell in love with a fool. (x) had your heart broken. ( ) broke someone else's heart. ( ) had a stalker. ( ) had a good relationship with someone. (x) started a good relationship with someone. ( ) questioned your sexual orientation. ( ) came out of the closet. ( ) got pregnant. ( ) got someone else pregnant. ( ) had an abortion. ( ) got married. ( ) had a divorce. ( ) had a gay marriage. ( ) kissed someone of the same sex. (x) were with someone you'll never forget. (x) done something you've regretted. ( ) lost your true love. ( ) lost faith in love. ( ) kissed under miseltoe. WORK/SCHOOL : ( ) got a promotion. ( ) got a pay raise. (x) changed jobs. ( ) lost your job. (x) quit your job. ( ) dated a co-worker. ( ) dated your boss. ( ) dated your boss' daughter/son. ( ) got fired from your job. (x) made friends with your coworkers. ( ) got straight A's. (x) met one teacher you really like. (x) met one teacher you really hated. ( ) found the subject you love. ( ) failed a class. ( ) cut class. (x) skipped school. (x) got into a fight with a classmate. (x} did something you were proud of. ( ) discovered a new talent. ( ) gave the teachers a reason to teach. ( ) proved yourself an idiot. (x) embaressed yourself in front of the class. ( ) dated a teacher. ( ) got a lead in the school play. ( ) made a varsity team. (x) were involved in something you'll never forget. ( ) got sent to the office. OTHER: ( ) painted a picture. (x) wrote a poem. ( ) ran a mile. (x) listened to music you couldn't stand. (x) double-dipped. (x) skinny-dipped. (x) went to a sleepover. ( ) went to camp. ( ) threw a surprise party. (x) laughed till you cried. ( ) laughed till you peed in your pants ( ) flirted shamelessly. ( ) visited a foreign country. ( ) visted a foreign state. ( ) cooked a disasterous meal. (x) lost something important to you. ( ) got a gift you adore. (x) realized something new about yourself. ( ) went on a diet. ( ) tried to gain weight. ( ) dyed your hair. ( ) came close to losing your life. ( ) someone close to you died. (x) went to a party. (x) drank alchohol. (x) drank alchohol underage. (x) tried drug(s). (x) got drunk. ( ) got arrested. ( ) read a great book. (x) saw a great movie. ( ) saw a movie so scary that it made you cry. ( ) saw your favorite band/artist live. ( ) saw someone famous in person. (x) did something you want to tell everyone. (x) enjoyed most of this year.