holy shit. so it's been a really long time since i've been on here. really long. i'm back at my home, and it's better. way better. i got too caught up writing in my livejournal, which i hate. i like this journal. no one i know has it. but i think i'm going to make a new one of these, if you still can?

2 more days until exams. schools done for the summer on friday. fuck, i don't know if i should stay here at my aunts, or leave and go back with my mom. i have no fucking friends here and it fucking blows. i cant even be myself here, and i dont even know who i am anymore because i've kept everything i used to be inside. all i know is i'm staying the summer back with my mom.

i can't sleep. 3:03am. GOOD TIMES, by myself. LOSER - ahem. so i'm living at my aunts, and for the past 2 weeks, life has been shit. plain and simple - SHIT. yet again, i have left my home. i have left my friends. i have left school. all because of my mom. good going mom, if that's what i should even call you. i'm living at my aunts. i love her so much. she means a lot to me. but, i really think i should live with my other aunt. here - they don't have a room for me, they're tight on money because of additions to the house (and having another teenager in the house costs quite a bit), i can't see my friends, and im scared to go to a different school. im scared shitless. 3rd highschool, that's hard. i know i should be used to it cause i've been to 4756534568664 schools all my life, but now, i want it to stop. i was content. i was starting to like my social life, i was starting to get new/more friends. - WELL if i lived with my other aunt, i could see my friends back home whenever i wanted because her boyfriend goes through london all the time, i could get a job, they have a spare bedroom, i could finish my courses online, and all would be good. trust me, if it was the same with the aunt im with now, i'd want to stay here. im really not picking who is the better aunt, they are equal, i respect each equal, i love both equal, and i'd do anything for the both of them. but im scared to leave the aunt im with now. i really am. seeing as she has depression and her mental state isnt great right now, i know leaving her would break her heart. and i hate seeing her upset, and crying. it kills me. but i feel like too much trouble here, she doesnt need my problems on her back. she has her husband and daughter to worry about, she doesnt need me to add more on her back. im just so confused. and i feel bad for making a decision, but i feel like i havent made a decision about anything, and i feel like i cant, because if i go to my other aunts, i know that would cause drama. and i know i wouold hurt the aunt im with now. im fucking trapt. and it makes me so upset, and frusterated. i'll have to talk to her sometime about this, cause i havent even told her. tomorrow i guess, but im really scared. i dont want her to get angry. and i dont want her to feel like i like the other aunt more, cause i dont. thats just ridiculous, it just makes more sense to me to go to my other aunts.

and so it fucking happens again. and heres to going back every single time.

i think i'm letting valentines day get to me. i'm usually not into all that shit, but this year, it's different i guess. im sort of sick of being alone. its stupid, because i really dont think i want to be with anyone, just seeing people..with other people..being happy..hah i dont know..sometimes i wish i had that with someone. someone really nice and sweet..and totally cheesy. hah i like that, i think its cute. but i doubt anyone will come around this valentines day.

so i'm on anti depressants, and they do make me feel happy, and really anxious sometimes, but it feels so fake, and i hate. i hate feeling fake, and it just makes it worse, and today i had a fucking breakdown, and of course, no one was there for me. and i dont fucking care if im wollowing in my own self pity, everyone deserves to sometimes.

I'm a trooper. -2 mix drinks -over 10 shots of southern comfort -4 shots of rum -funneled 2 cocktails -2 beers didn't puke, and hardly had a hang over. WHAT THE FUUUUCK how does that even work?

i fucking hate just sitting around, and i wouldnt be but of course she cant hang out tonight and doesnt even fucking call me to tell me that, so i wait until 830 and finally call, just so she could tell me we werent hanging out and i could have made plans with other people. fuck that pisses me off.

i suddenly wake up at like 130am, shaking uncontrollably and im really trying to make it stop, something happens i go to the washroom, and i have this urge to barf, but i wont and i wish i would so it would stop. im falling apart.

want to know whats sick? i just want to kill myself to get back at everyone.

my aunts dying and i dont know what im going to do. i never get to see her, and if she leaves us..i'll just break down. i've never had someone i knew die, and definately not any of my family members. mikes knows..he didnt say shit to me. he didnt say "im sorry" he didnt say "its going to be okay" and hes supposed to be my bestfriend. and another thing..i cant tell my mom. fuck i hate life.

soo much stuff has happend and i havent wrote an entry in here in forever!. kay so..got kicked out, went to my aunts for 2 weeks, had an awesome time, came home, moms still being a bitch, friends are being assholes, i want to move in with my aunt by next semester, the guy i have a crush on has been acting weird ever since i came back, i dont know what to do with my life, i've been feeling really down, i want to start everything over again, i bought a polaroid camera, the film is really expensive, im lonely but i tell myself im not, im sick, everything is fucked, i want to start a indie pop band/ all girls- cause it'd be cute, but i cant sing, blah.

so today is my 16th birthday. and it was probably one of the worst. i cried about 3 times. i was pretty upset cause none of my friends had lunch with me and they all just kind of left. so i was on the verge of crying. i come back to my locker and shannons like "jami whats wrong!?" and then ya..i start to cry. then we talk and what not and then i go to the washroom come back and start talking to a few friends and one of them was like "you dont look so happy on your birthday!" and then michell was like "whats wrong!?" and ya..started crying again..felt like an idiot. anyways..so ya that. then after school mike came over and we were play fighting and then he actually started to hurt me but i was like okay whatever i dont really care, and then i slammed the door as a joke and he fucking starts freaking telling me i need to grow up blah blah blah blah blah. WHAT THE FUCK? i told him to leave and then he starts being a smart ass and im like just fucking leave and then he comes back to get something just fucking walks in im on my bed crying doesnt say shit gets what he needs and leaves. and my friend ditched me tonight and we were supposed to hang out. but noo. and we had this planned for a looong time cause i havent seen her in soo long. and she ditched me to go shopping.. jay came over. and that was probably the best highlight. im glad she came..it was fun we watched americas next top model. it was good.

i havent cried over a boy in a while. and why does it have to be now? like an hour away from my birthday. i wanted my birthday to be fun. every single year i've cried. and now i have this on my mind..why cant anything work out. ALSO i'll be alone for my birthday. my moms going to be at work, my friend ditched me to go shopping and mike is working. and i dont know about anyone else..probably busy.

im watching bowling for columnbine, and im crying. partially because it is pretty sad that that happend, but it's sad that shit like this is happening everywhere. people killing people. and it makes me feel so bad that i cant do anything about it. and if i did try, i'd probably get shot. and its pathetic. no one would listen to a 16 year old anyways.

nate got a quarter. 16 shots on next friday. it's my birthday on wensday it is going to be a fucking hoot.

my birthday is october 5th. and im retardedly excited. and i hope someone sings me "jamie" by weezer. cause that would be cute. i really like him. and its soo ridiculous. because he hurts me all the time. but i also have a crush on the most religious person i know..so thats kind of ridiculous too. i pretty much suck at life. funny i should say the one guy hurts me all the time..well he just did. great.

friday i "ran away" from home. my mom was being a bitch and she made me cry and what not and then she said i couldnt go to a show that saturday..so i packed my bags and left. stayed at mikes until today, walked in my house and acted like nothing happend. we arent fighting..for now anyways. but ya the show was fucking sweet. armor for sleep, funeral for a friend, sydney and paramore played. the guys from sydney are sooo fucking nice. i wanted to hug them, they were just so cute and nice. but ya, i bought two shirts and a CD. i also bought 2 books from chapters. sex, drugs and cocoa puffs. aaand franny and zooey. im really excited to read them

I GOT MY SAETIA CD IN THE MAIL TODAY!!! aaaand tomorrow is picture day!! grade 9 - looked handicapped(honestly) grade 10 - looked like a shaggy dog grade 11 - who knows..we'll just have to wait and seeeee that was really cheesy. ps - i have this little crush on this boy..buuuut he's never had a girlfriend right? and hes very religious [bad idea maybe?] aaand..a lot of people think he MAY be gay..so ya..i'm so ridiculous. why do i do this..everytime. i ALWAYS pick the wrong people. oh and i missed my anniversary on here.. july 29th. i didnt even know :(

i guess have cysts(plural) in my breast. well the doctor says he thinks so, but i have to keep an eye on them and if they're still there in a bit, i have to get an ultrasound.