I haven't written in a very long time. I miss writing my thoughts down, it's relaxing. I also like coming back and reading what I have wrote in the past and to see how far I have grown. I believe now that I have to find what I love doing and wouldn't care about doing for the rest of my life. I need to find my passion. People are my passion, getting to know people helping them, making their day a little better. I feel very wishy washy right now on everything and it's because I don't know what my passion is. I mean I love people sometimes but other times I get so mad at their stupidity and the way they think and the way I think and the stupid things I do. It makes me sad. Nobody can be perfect and I have to realize this even though I think we should be. I have a lot of compassion but I hate being walked over, and I don't know how not to be. I am a very petite young woman who people usually think they need to protect or that I will bend over and out of the way for them. Which is not true I may need protection cause I say things I shouldn't and start fights when I shouldn't. I talk about people way too much but I don't care. I like being little. I like being the center of attention but I am okay watching at the sidelines. I like who I am, I don't like some of the actions I take though.

I have come to a point in my life where I am ready for a relationship. I know who I want it with but I have to be patient cause other wise I will him push him away. And thats not a good thing. I just wish boys weren't so confusing, or atleast that he would try to show me he liked me. We need to hang out bottom line and I was waiting for him to make the first move to ask me out to lunch...but I guess thats too much to ask for. I keep worrying about him and over analyzing everything. I need to throw it all out and just be me. Show him how awesome I truly can be. I just don't want to push him away and I want him/need him to like me.

Ugh now he thinks im preggers...and he is on Vacay, so he's probably having a ruined time for the next week. I told him not to worry about anything cause I definitely am not pregnant. i think I would die from the amount of immense stress I would go through.

So I have liked this guy for over a year now but something always got in the way of us getting together. This past Thursday night/Friday morning we hung out and it was very nice because it was just the two of us and when it's just the two of us we get along really well. When there is more than another person we don't really mingle well...it's kinda weird. Anyways this past Thursday we both got really drunk and we hooked up. I feel like I sorta took advantage of him but he started it. If he wouldn't have thrusted his hips into mine while we were spooning I wouldn't have even considered the possibility of him and me hooking up...making out yes but anything else no. Well we get a long really well in bed which is very important to me atleast and also that I felt comfortable with him. I have never really felt comfy with any guy before whether it was just talking during sex about what felt good or what was going on in general. I am probably romanticizing the whole thing but it's kinda nice to do that. I can't get him out of my head but I won't be able to see him for another month and right now he is in HI with his ex girlfriend and her family... I just want him to be mine...I don't like the term boyfriend but with him this is the first time I could see myself using it. I really want him to be with me and I know the only way for that to happen is for us to hang out. We need to hang out. UGH!! I just hope I didn't compromise anything with him because of our sexcapade. But it was sure nice.

Spring break here I am!!! I am so frustrated with life right now. I am scared to graduate, I am scared to grow up. These next few years are going to be the hardest and most change i have been through. I think I will have panic attacks. Boys: I hate them! I try to not be a man-eater, and then I get eaten by man, not the good kind either. So now I'm back to being a man-eater. It's so stupid I would rather hurt someone than be hurt. I am sick of continually being hurt, I am sick of hurting people too though. I want a relationship, I want someone to love, I want someone I can be real with. I guess I am just frustrated with all my aspects of life because I never succeed at anything, ever I'm not a failure but I am scared to success.

I haven't really had anything to write lately because this was my diary that I have so that no one I know would read it. I haven't had sex in 10 months, now thats an accomplishment! Especially for me. For those of you who are the devil advocates or whatever...there have been way too many pportunities and i said no or didn't have to say no in all of them. I am a changed person right now and it's hard in transit. I want to be a better person...I think I am growing up. I want to be proud of myself. I want to know I did something worthwhile and changed a life or a few lives. I like knowing that i helped someone through their pain or life. I like knowing that I made an impact. I have no idea what I want to do when I grow up except for that...I want to change, impact or help lessen the load of someone. I guess I just don't know what else to do. I mena i am not good at anything else. I want to be a success in what i do...everybody does. I mean it sucks to be mediocre at everything trust me i know! Those are my thoughts about myself right now.

I was so angr last night I was shaking...I don't understand it. i just want to be okay I want to know that everything is okay and that people love me...which they do. i just want to forget my past and look forward to my future...i know what I want and I am still learning. People that are retarded should get that. "I'm a pistol full of fire looking for somewhere to aim, if you see me walking down the street, head the other way."

I'm not bitter anymore...because apparently to my friends..im not being myself. it's just easier to be a happy person and not have people ask me questions like whats wrong all the time. There are no boys in my life right now which is completely okay and fine with me...i have been hurt too much and I don't feel like talking to them. I mean I talk to them just not date. They are pretty to look at but not fun to get involved with...they tend to drop me on the floor.

my life sucks so hardcore right now...well atleast in the boy dept. I want them to all fall off the earth and leave all the gay guys and the guys that know how to treat women... I hate that when i say i was groped...that girls just say it's college and it's a phase...It's not just a phase these guys will be the guys that rape people cause they think they can get away with it... i wish that girls didn't easily accept their fate Basically I am bitter and I hate people!

Long time no update... I leave to go back home in a week. I am kinda excited cause I know my mom misses me and I know I will be able to get some new clothes... I am kinda sad to go to though because I won't have anyone to hang out with at home..I mean I will but the person I want to hangout with won't be there. I honestly found a guy that treats me right, he doesn't try to get in my pants and we can just talk and play forever. He is just really fun to be around and I know he will make me a better person. I hate how life comes at you so fast! Anyways the things I won't miss when i move out is my messy roommate...and by messy i mean unkempt, dirty slob. She is an amazing girl but does not pick up after herself...I don't know if she even knows how. Her room smells like ass and is filtering into the whole apt. I hate it! Anyways one more week!

I like a boy, like always haha! I think boys come in three...when one likes you are you like him there are two mre somewhere out there that make things more difficult than need be! oh well...2MONTHS I have shacked with boys too and it was awesome!

I moved into my apartment! It is amazing! I start school tomorrow and my prof seems really cool I hope it stays that way! I have abstained from sex for a month! I made out with a boy for the first itme in a month yesterday and I feel really good about it. I am finally acting how I want to and behving in the way I should! I am growing up hahaha!

It's summertime and I am super bored....I can feel tolerance going down. When I left school I could make it through 2 beers and be wasted...now i know it's back down to one. Yes, I am a lightweight and proud of it. It does not make me a cheap date but a fun one. i will be back home in two weeks:) and by home I mean Purdue. I will be away from parental guidance, rules and curfews. I will be closer to 21 year olds who can get me what I want. I will be closer to people who understand and basically want the same things I do. I will be in college land. I say this because college campus cities ARE different from other cities. There are not as many disapproving looks...hangovers are congratulated and approved, it is a sign of a great night. Hopefully life will get better. Right now it is boring.

So those of you who don't go to Purdue or know about Grand prix...it is basically the best week long partying ever!! That was last week. I have drank every day of last week...Monday-saturday..I am very proud of myself! Monday I shacked..then found out the guy had a girlfriend and didn't shack for the rest of the week...well at least at that house. I did shack with another guy but he is just a friend. Not only that but one of the girl's in the house is in love with him. The only injury I sustained this week was a burn from my straightener when I was trying to drunkenly straighten my hair at 7 at night~ fun times...but now it's a full week of studying for me!

I love life... I have shacked with three different boys this week! Shack...just cuddling not sexing I did have sex with one of them..it was good and well needed. I love getting drunk..I hate getting too drunk to do anything though..thats the worst.

nothing of interest has happened..:-/ A week ago there was a pool party at a fraternity and I didn't bring a bathing suit...lets just say I walked around in a bra and boy's shorts, It was amazing! I love not caring about anything and laughing and smiling. i have been down lately and I needed it cause I smile thinking about it. I had been staying away from alcohol lately and that was the first time I had gotten wasted in over a month. I love it! I know that I can't get that drunk all the time but if another night like that happened I would enjoy it!

So...had a talk with the brother that found out.Um yeah definitely ended up different than I thought. We ended up hooking up, it wasn't the best hook up ever or anything but I got what I want and thats what matters. I got the answers i wanted and we just talked which is what I wanted. I wanted to figure out if he hated me or not, I wanted to know if he was still interested and I figured out that he's still who I want to be with, he's the one I want to come home to. He makes me feel complete and whole and he doesn't really have to do anything.

SO totally forgot that people actually might want to read this..and also that I want to tell people and I can't. i came back to school a day early from spring break cause home is lame and that night went over to a house that I am good friends with most of the people. The guy that I used to hook up with wasn't there that night so I thought it would be a good chance to just hang out with all the other guys. well...I ended up hooking up with one of his brothers..not biological but fraternal. It was probably the best hook up ever. He is just really open about himself and paid attention to me. He did everything I wanted and needed. He's a good cuddler and great kisser. Well the other guy found out...duh! He keeps talking to me though and I don't know if he is mad at me or not and I am so confused by the whole situation. Honestly I can't stop thinking about the guy. He is basically everything I want even though he is drunk all the time..he is an awesome guy!

I have been stressed out for the past week and here comes another one to make me even more stressed out!! Ugh! Oh well I guess thats how life is..one stress after the next. I need a vacation from it all. I suppossedly had one two weeks ago. It made me think too much and depressed me so it was just as bad. LAtely the people i live with like to talk way too loud and I can't concetrate with people like that. I need quiet right now. Peace.Tranquility. I need to be on my own. alright I am done rambling...

I don't think the K B is going to work. Time after time I have gave people time thinking that it was good and not wanting to hurt them. It hurts me. I don't think he wants me for anything other than physical attributions. Which is fine for him but I cant take it anymore. I guess I just want a cuddle buddy right now. Nothing else and what guy will be a cuddle buddy? I think I am going out of my mind.