the best feeling in the world: somehow still being able to be with her. this girl. amazing.

the worst feeling in the world: the girl of your dreams calls it off because shes 300% convinced that shes not good enough for you. oh, im flattered. FUCK THAT. you cant see the future, no matter how stubborn you are. the fact that your so certain your going to hurt me in the future, should be enough to stop it from ever happening. your probably right, it would hurt more later, but that doesnt justify what youve done. your unique because youve discovered all of your flaws, your the same because you think you cant do anything about it.

i like how no one has any manners whatsoever anymore, when it comes to talking on the phone and whatnot. "ill call you back" is definitaly NOT a synonym for "ill talk to you later bye!" im not perfect, but i actually call people back when i say i will at least 90% of the time. also, leaving someone a message on fucking myspace saying "hey sorry i didnt call you back" or whatever is LAME. id much rather you just call me back. if you dont want to hang out with someone, thats perfectly fine. but have the decency to at least tell them you have other plans or whatever, instead of just bailing on them. i dont know why this whole thing bugs me so much, but it does, but i cant help feeling like i have a goddamn good point...

found this stream-of-conscious thing i wrote one night after something pretty crappy happend. i thought it was pretty funny. man, even when my life is crumbling i can still make people laugh. how cool am i. always on my mind how could i ever believe that i wouldnt let this affect me so much how could i ever convince myself that i had a chance with someone like you im not mad at you.. how could i be? i cant even keep my train of thought when i look at you you were honest with me i cant tell you how much that means to me you couldve pushed me out of that fucking plane and kept the parachute but you didnt. the ride home only proved everything to me once again if awkwardness was a pinata, you would be the little candy-crazed mexican birthday boy i dont know how you do it i cant figure out how everyone doesnt feel the same way i mean cmon.. just look at you! i wish there was something i could do to change your mind but then again i dont want to be a selfish bitch. i dont want you to feel bad about any of this but just to let you know it hurts so fucking bad side note: i wish i could tell you all of this in case this happend there were so many things i wanted to let you know but at the time i felt like i was in a foreign country without any money, hotel room, map, or ability to speak the language did i already wait to long? did i miss the fucking train by weeks or months? i still want to spend time with you but the problem is that i know ill be in so much pain when i do get to see you from now on for a while at least. just make me forget about it somehow. keep telling me it never happend. fuck nows the time when i wish i had a real hobby or something to take my mind off it as you can tell, my mind wanders like a fucking drunk.. but it always seems to find its way back to you. this would be so much easier if you didnt have the ability to melt antartica fuck! i went jacuzzi-ing with you after. bad idea on my part. talk about rubbing it in. bad timing on my part? bad karma? did i do something horribly wrong and whoevers upstairs is choosing now to make me pay for it? i dont know if all this is helping or just making me think about everything more than i have to. "you cant trust memories or feelings. only facts." its going to be a long night..

tattoo. that one. i want it. left inner arm. ignore all those wierd colors/lines... i like bmx too much.

time for another tattoo. ...? lyrics?

san deigo was indeed as good as it shouldve been last weekend. being drunk in public. its one hell of an experience. the best part is that everyone else in san diego is drunk too. turns out denny's chicken noodle soup is the best hangover food ever. the music i cant listen to without missing eddie too much: circle takes the square old recover hot cross beloved small brown bike/casket lottery split

sooooooooooooooooooooo im excited for this weekend. going to san diego and partying like its 1807. aaaaaaaaand i get a new car. aaaaaaaaand i dont have to go to school. aaaaaaaaaand balls. i want to vist kim!!

i didnt really know what to say when you asked me if i really hated you. but i knew i didnt want to play it off like "ooh no you just get on my nerves sometimes." i would be lying. sure, maybe it was a little harsh. but then again all this is your fault anyway.

a friend of mine's life is heading down the shitter very very quickly. shes been into drugs for awhile, but nothing tooo bad(if you can consider any drug not tooo bad). but lately its escalated onto worse and worse things. she keeps either denying everything or says that its all under control. shes terrible at lying. the worse part is that she knows what shes doing will eventually catch up to her. hell, it already has once. even so, she wont do a fucking thing about it. i think ive lost all respect for her. i hate to admit it, but every day she seems more and more like a lost cause. honestly, i dont see why drugs can be that interesting. maybe im just one of those lucky people who can have a great time sober. ps. open your fucking bloodshot eyes! fucking look at what your doing to yourself!

get over yourself. your not gods gift to hardcore no matter how "oldschool" the music you listen to is. my bet is that "real hardcore" is not giving a fuck if some kid with tight pants and eyeliner wears an avenged sevenfold shirt or not. no one really cares that much if you like this band or that band or if there "not really hardcore". how bout you two-step your way into oncoming traffic.

i got my tattoo. i register for my college classes today. i better get what i fucking want.

ok i think ive narrowed it down.. these would go on my shoulder blades.. griffin with feet.. or.. griffin without feet and wierd thing on bottom?

im 18 in 16 days. and that means i can get a tattoo. now the question arises. what the fuck should i get???? help.

You are in an enclosed area, roughly the size of a basketball court. There are no foreign objects. - You are not allowed to touch a wall. - When you are knocked unconscious, you lose. When they are all knocked unconscious, they lose. Once a kid is knocked unconscious, that kid is "out." - I (or someone else intent on seeing to it you fail) get to choose the kids from a pool that is twice the size of your magic number. The pool will be 50/50 in terms of gender and will have no discernable abnormalities in terms of demographics, other than they are all healthy Americans. - The kids receive one day of training from hand-to-hand combat experts who will train them specifically to team up to take down one adult. You will receive one hour of "counter-tactics" training. - There is no protective padding for any combatant other than the standard-issue cup. * The kids are motivated enough to not get scared, regardless of the bloodshed. Even the very last one will give it his/her best to take you down. I set my magic number at 30, but upon reflection, I think I could take on a few more. How many could you take on?

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck does venting in an online journal even work? so far doesnt really seem like it. fuck fuck fuck fuck yeah i dont know. i guess this could partly be my fault? for being so confident in myself? my feelings? do i give up now? fuck. do i keep chasing her? do i even deserve her? i think i might. but i hate being so unsure of everything. would anything be different if my accident never fucked everything up? fuck you ruptured spleen. i fucking hate you. im glad your not in my body anymore. wouldve prom been all i had hoped it would be? and mr. aztec? i cant help but feel like i totally got fucking gyped of everything for no good reason. after all that its still hard to believe that maybe it would have been worse if everything "worked out". could it be any worse? right now it doesnt feel like it. fuck. dont expect to understand this. my mind wanders.. but always seems to find its way back to you.. am i dead? or just not alive..?