This is the first time I have signed onto Sit in a long time. I usually visit to look back on the past and all that I have learned. I just got off the phone with the guy I am absolutely IN love with. Carlos. I have known him for just over a year, We were together for eight months, but I was unsure and scared. So I broke up with him. After a few months I realized I wanted nothing else but to be with him.. he realized that he wanted to be with me but decided to treat me a LOT differently. As I logged onto this site my quote popped up, "It's only love, if you're loved in return". The thing is... I don't feel the love in return. I know I messed up by breaking up with him but I have daddy issues. I was scared. I didn't want to give my heart away. Now he has my heart and it is breaking because he is indifferent. I wish I meant as much to him as I used to. I know I screwed it up, major. Do I really deaerve this? It's been three months back on, and as I've said to him before, he is cutting me no slack. I need some sort of reassurance but I continue to be the last thing on his mind at the end of the day. I can't keep on trying my hardest when I get nothing in return. I'm so happy yet incredibly miserable!! What am I supposed to do?

I've got a Boyfriend... who is my best friend... but I have like... no sexual attraction towards him? It's not fair. Longest relationship of my life and it's not fulfilling? Shit. AND to top it off... I have like... no friends anymore... Gone. How shitty. Will it get better when I go to a four year? Will I make friends with people who have already made connections with other people? Shit. Worry. Worry. Worry. Nothing to do but wait I suppose. But OH how the waiting sucks. F.

My New Years resolution was to be more selfish. To do what I want to do, to get exactly what I want and what I deserve (In life and love). Why is it so hard for me to be Selfish? Don't I have that infamous 'selfish bone' in MY body?! Geez. Once again I find myself in a relationship that is satisfying... in one way... but less than satisfying in the most important way. Scott is a Comitmentphobe. Ugh. Or it's just that he doesnt want to be in a relationship with me... Ugh. I love to hang out, just chillin, watching movies, doing nothing, HEY he's broke! I really don't as for much... all I want is a label on whatever we are and i'll be perfectly content. Being selfish is getting what I deserve. So.... let's see if I can grow a pair and put my foot down and change something. Ef. Or I can just start dating Matt, the Christian guy who found me on Myspace. Creepy kinda... but I had a phone conversation with him today and he's a nice guy.... We'll see. I like options. Until Next Time Jessica

The past few months have really seemed to whiz by... and in the best way. School has been amazing. Only taking two classes, math and spanish, along with swim. Swim has been better than amazing. I have made sooo many friends. And good friends at that. We went to a Toga party last weekend and had soo much fun. The last guy I was seeing was a great "rebound" guy. Treated me as I should be treated. Sent hundreds of dollars worth of roses to my house.. and as much as I would like to be his girlfriend, I can't. The attraction wore off.. the charm wore off and I realized he would be a great guy friend. Nothing more. I told him that in January and he JUST stopped texting me everyday a couple weeks ago. I thought it would never stop. He is a great guy though, just not for me. I was dating a 25 year old, but that didn't work out... different lifestyles. And now I am dating Scott, 21. He is on my swim team, loves waterpolo, and is like a kid. We have so much fun and I am never bored probably because he seems to have ADD. I have a swim meet in 30 mins. Then I am going to Santa Barbara to visit Kevin A! We are going to have one gnarly weekend! I really can't wait to ride on his bike and go for our nature hike...where you can only really do one thing... I still feel like i'm growing.. and still feel like i'm getting better at being me. I freaking love life. :) Peace

So. Life goes on. As usual. The first two weeks after Adam broke up with me, I was crying a lot. Couldn't really stop. At home, At work, In bed. I was a wrek. But life kept going. People were reaching out to me. Making me feel more me than I have felt in months. Brittany introduced me to a guy named Kevin. He in nice, shy, and a manly man. It's great. I am not ready to jump into a serious relationship. I want to have lunches with different guys. I want to make new friends by going to random parties. I want to be single. I forgot how much I enjoyed being Single. But Kevin and I are dating. He treats me so good. Better than Adam. It's awesome. I go Roses sent to my house the first week. I don't have to go "halvesies" on everything.. And I havn't been given a guilt trip because of money. It feels good to date, flirt and be appreciated. It feels a lot different now. So I am going to the desert wih him this weekend, to meet his family and go riding. I'm super excited. He's going to take me to Seaworld too. I've been waiting for that. After adam broke up with me.. everything seemed to go downhill. I was distraught, I was depressed, and I was without a car. I'm getting a truck tomorrow. I love my Grandparents. I love my family. They really helped me get out of my funk. Along with my friends. Thank God for my friends. And you know what is kind of crazy? Now that I am not with Adam, and I have quit smoking, I have started to have radical dreams. Very crazy dreams that I remember in the morning. That I can laugh at. It's awesome. And I think it's because I'm happy. Because I am free. Because I am me. 2008 is going to be a great year! I can't wait for school to start. I can't wait for swim to start. I can't wait to meet new people and most of all meet new guys. I'm not ready to be exclusive. I'm not ready to want a boyfriend. Until Next Time, Jessica

Well I can't say I didn't see it coming. Of course we were going to break up. Of course we were not meant for each other. It doesn't keep it from hurting though. It hurts so much. I saw it coming... my magic 8 ball saw it coming... my friends saw it coming... I just wanted to postpone it. Because his love meant so much to me. Because he became my best friend. Because, truthfully, I don't ever want to be without him. Devastated would be the word for it. But I told him I would be strong... and I will try. I'm a strong girl. But he makes me so weak. And now... I am less than weak. I am nothing. Life will go on. Thank Goodness.

You know... the easiest time to talk to you is when you're sleeping. (I write as if I'm talking to him... yeah.. deal with it.) We had a big fight last night. I couldn't get one word in. I was wrong. He IS right... (Okay...Sarcasim, ladies and gentelman..) It's not fair if I can't get my views across. I don't even care about being right or wrong. That is not the issue. The issue is that our communication sucks. Our issue is that we forget about each other when we are mad and we go for the throats. We fight to hurt. I know that's not how it should be done. It was like that with Bronson.. we fought.. I felt cheated..(and was).. and I was always wrong. When you are constantly put down.. it really has a "wear and tear" feeling. I am so tired today. I didn't drink last night, granted I didn't sleep well because I was so upset, but I'm not tired from lack of sleep. I feel like I am the post that you beat into the grass with that damn hard hammer, and you've finally put me in my place. It hurt, and now I'm just tired. I'm not all that great with words (emotionally speaking).. and I'm worse when you're angry. So when you sleep.. when you are most relaxed (and snoring) I talk to you. I let you know how I feel.. how I felt when you said something that hurt... how much better it would be if you could compromise with me... How I feel like the effort department is headed by one person (me)... And when I say these things.. you don't get upset at the second word, you hear me out. And if I feel like I said something wrong I'll rephrase it, a free re-do if you will, without you stomping out of the room before I get a chance. In soap operas, when someone is in a coma people talk to them, and they believe they hear them. I want to believe you hear me. I want to believe that subconsciously you will understand. I want to be able to talk to you like that when you're awake. Ah.. The ever present I Want I Want I Want's. How selfish of me.

Last night I was upset cause we weren't going out. But then I realized... Where else would I really want to be? Who else would I really want to surround myself with...? Nowhere. With No one. My boyfriend is my Best Friend. And I am happy to spend time with him. To be with him. To do nothing with him! How lucky am I.

He says I need to blog. So I probably should do it more often. As many might already know.. I am a girl. And girls are crazy! Well... I'm crazy. So many thoughts go through my head when it comes to Adam. I'll make a big deal out of nothing. It will make sense to me at the time.. but then it won't be as important as I had thought.(When I was drunk) When we fight it scares me; don't get me wrong.. not scary in the "please don't hurt me" kind of way. Just that.. I'm not a fighter, I'm a lover. When he starts to yell.. the tear ducts start working. I can't remember being seriously yelled at.. ever. So it's new to me. Fighting is to (even now I can't think of a word to describe how I react..) as Knotts Scary Farm is to fright. That was kinda pointless, since I couldn't acuratly describe my feelings... ugh. We don't fight all the time. Twice in two months so far. Not too shabby. We just get caught up in how WE feel individually.. and we don't think about each other. I told him the other night that I want to "talk" after we fight. Not right after... maybe a couple days after. But I neeeeed to talk about it.. cause if I don't then I end up feeling like a shit for the rest of the week. What a girl.. right? I don't want my mind to start thinking of reasons why I shouldn't be with him. I don't want to break up because we didn't talk about it. I think I just want his attention. Not in the concieted way though.. But.. I'm not used to anyone.. really.. being interested in me, at least for longer than their erection lasts... Sooo I think I act differently because... I want to verify that it's real? I don't know. I do know that I am crazy though. Thank God he puts up with me! He forgives and forgets. I don't know how that works. I have no problem forgiving.. but you have to give me a reason to. For example..I'm not going to forgive you for stabbing me in the back just because I am friends with you.. or just because.. you want me to. Life doesn't work that way. Sorrys need to be said.. explanations for a certain reaction need to brought to the table... then and only then can I be in the right state of mind of forgive. And forget? Ha... YOU can forget about that. Maybe I won't bring it up again... but if something happens more than a couple times... I think it should not be forgotten... but rather... brought back to the table. Tell me what I am doing wrong.. tell me how you feel.. and I will try to change. I'd expect the same. That's all I have to say about that. Peace- Jessica

He loves me. And I love him. What everyone has been saying came true. You can't force it. It just happens. :)

His name is Adam. He is the first boyfriend that I have had in a long time... The first REAL boyfriend in a long time... ::I have dated a lot of fakes:: I'm happy. But I'm hard to have a relationship with, I think. Moody mostly, but girls just want to talk.. And boys are wired differently. This is good though.. and I will try. This is really good. -Jessica

His name is Adam. He is the first boyfriend that I have had in a long time... The first REAL boyfriend in a long time... ::I have dated a lot of fakes:: I'm happy. But I'm hard to have a relationship with, I think. Moody mostly, but girls just want to talk.. And boys are wired differently. This is good though.. and I will try. This is really good. -Jessica

His name is Adam. He is the first boyfriend that I have had in a long time... The first REAL boyfriend. ::I have dated a lot of fakes:: I'm happy. But I'm hard to have a relationship with, I think. Moody mostly, but girls just want to talk.. And boys are wired differently. This is good though.. and I will try. This is really good. -Jessica

Oh.. I have experiance. I have dated more than a handful of guys. I have dated more than my share of guys. But really... where has that gotten me? I have a pile of experiance.... does it really add up to anything though? A month here Two months there... It all equals up to... Nothing. My new Mantra. I.Am.Not.Casual. Maybe if I say that enough.. it will come true. Maybe if I try hard enough to "not be casual" I will find someone who doesn't want me to just "be casual". Maybe I will mean more than that. For Once. -Jess

I have done a lof of things in my life that would cause some to second guess my morals, my personality, just me in general. I have had problems holding on to people, not just boyfriends(major problem), but friends as well. Recently I have been thinking about all of this and how far I have come since messing myself up. I am usually led into directions or actions that I know are wrong but feel so right. I'm trying to work on myself. Apologizing is never easy. Especially for me. But i am so glad that I did it. I'm so glad that I have not lost everyone that I once could call in times of need. Sometimes I wish I were Catholic so I could confess some of my sins. Say them aloud, I have and they didn't verbally tell me I was disgusting....but they had to be thinking it. I want to hear it. I need to be kicked down.. by an outside party. Anyways... When it comes to boys, I'm hopeless. Too picky I think. I honestly don't think my prince charming exists. I don't think I will ever be taking that ride on the white stallion or kissing him in the moonlight on the bridge in front of our castle. Okay.. enough. Boys are stupid though. I don't understand why it's so hard for them to notice how much you may like them. Why is it so hard to understand the subtle messages of, "lets hang out"?? Maybe he's just not that into me. Okay.. fine. But I think I am ready for someone to actually take an interest in me... Someone who isn't my friend, who I only view as a friend. Someone who doesn't only want to be my hook-up buddy. Which apparently I am, in any city that I live in. But I'm not that person.. i don't want to be that person anymore. Okay.. I guess that'll do for today. J ::Something to Ponder:: Why does everyone text now? It's so informal. Nothing is personal anymore. Whats wrong with calling someone. It's beginning to become rude. When I go 80 dollars over my texting limit, it has become too much. Am I just not good enough to call? Stop being stupid and dial the fucking number. Was it worth it? Was 80 dollars of texting you worth it? No.

He asks me to explain why I lost some of my friends. So I do. And I'm stupid. Okay. Agreed. I could have handled lots of situations in different ways. But when you're upset, when you feel betrayed, when you feel like you can't trust anyone... You act differently. Yes, I would like to have my friends back. No, I don't think that can happen. I've tried to apologize, I've tried to act like it never happened. But too much time has passed. People change too much to go back. If it were him... he would have "forgave and forgotten"... yeah. Wish I had known you then. Please don't highlight the worst decisions of my life. Please don't highlight the lowest points that I can remember. If it were you.. I would try to see your point of view. I would try to understand how you felt. I wouldn't tell you you were wrong riht away (if at all). Some shit.. you should just hold in... or at least... rephrase. It hurt then.. and some scars.. never really heal as much as you hope they would. Yeah. Just now... It hurt.

He's braking my heart and blaming it on me. I'm sorry for anything I have done in the past that might have hurt you. I want to be with you. Only you. I want the world to know that we are together. I want and need your attention in private and at parties, everywhere. I will give you my everything if you just let me. But you don't want me like I want you. I know this. ::It hurts me when you call someone else baby. Even if it is on the internet. Especially her. You know I am sensitive about her.:: My friends say it is my fault that I am still with you.. I am hurting myself. But I want to believe you will stop hurting me. That you will see me and realize that I do... Seriously... I don't know what to do. My head says stop being stupid. But my heart has come so far. Farther than it has been with anyone else. I don't want to give up. Maybe I can't. Like megan said.. I'm just waiting for you to leave me. To hurt me. Because that is my wall. That is my defense. That is my problem. I don't believe you. I don't trust you. But I want to. ~Jessica*~

It was supposed to be "individual" But the "whole" jumped in. You're words. Not mine. ~Jessica*~

It all boils down to one thing. Respect. Some people have it, some can even show it to others, and the select few can turn it on and off like a light switch. All I was asking for was respect. To respect me as a friend. It seems like no can respects anyone anymore. They are all hooking up or sleeping with other peoples boyfriends, they talk shit behind their friends backs and then act perfectly normal on monday morning, and even when someone, a friend, is trying to be nice they get called an "attention whore". I'm not sorry that I have respect, and that I'm not afraid to stand up for it. I don't know how you can call yourselves freinds when you write things like that. Or when you do the things you do. Obviously the term "Best Friends" is extremly distorted in that realationship. To me a Best Friend is someone who will help you through a hard time. Someone who will at least KNOW when you are having a hard time. Someone who doesn't get "hot" and "cold" on your friendship. Someone who can always be honest and truthful. Someone who will stand by your side no matter what. I thought I had friends. Turns out.. not so much. If I had known how they all felt about me, maybe I wouldn't have bothered them for so long. High School IS coming to an end and I would rather leave it with a few new friends then a group of people who don't really care. I have been hanging out with other people, mainly because I don't feel welcome with my group of friends. Not because they aren't "good enough". I have always thought that they were better than anything. But when your best friends don't call you to hang out, or are too busy it really only leaves you with two choices. Sit and wallow, or go out. Someone always has a problem with someone else, but it is rarely ever said. I don't like to live that way. If you have a problem, talk about it or at least communicate it in some way. I thought that was how the whole "Best Friends" thing worked. And when I tried that, it was a disaster. Not because it was the wrong thing to do but because it had never been done before. Something new. Confrontation. It wasn't even a big deal. But the drama of everyone else made it one. I'm not a dog, I don't come running back. "People feel uncomfortable if they can't put you in a box. And then the moment you step out of it, you're crazy." I don't think your best friend has to be someone that you have known since elementry school... I think it just has to be someone you respect, and who really respects you in return. ~Jesscia*~

Wow.. I have not written in a long time. I need to write though because a lot has been on my mind. First the quick update. Winterformal boy didn't turn out to be everything I had hoped for. Don't get me wrong, we had a great time, but he did'nt turn out to be who I thought he was.. maybe? Hard to explain. -------------------------------------------- Then another friend is hooking up with my ex boyfriend. No biggie. I've accepted it. The problem is, they hang out with all my friends and THEY feel it is awkward for me to be around when they are.. (they are always around)so.. I have basically lost my friends. They aren't exactly trying to hang out with me.. or call me.. or talk at all. I guess you could say I am bitter. I just feel like this is really bad timing. --------------------------------------------- I know I'm not crazy with the way I feel beacuse other people have seen it and are upset also. Well life goes on. --------------------------------------------- So i'm trying to keep my head up. Trying to hang out with diffrent people. But it's hard when you realize that your friends don't care. --------------------------------------------- I got in another car accident. My car WILL be taken away this time. I'm stressed. --------------------------------------------- Until next time. ~Jessica*~