this is where your addictions take you if you dont pay close attention and beware it gets you while youre young too institutions hospitals death homelessness death jail prison homelessness crack dens street life track marks bruises that never heal sores blisters death institutions asylums missions homeless shelters street life and worse much worse death this is where my drinking will take me time and time and time and time and time again and im only alive once and once is just enough remember youre never too young to have a problem some symptoms of addiction: sleepless nights out nose bleeds no money sores drunk-sick-gut-rot the lovely DT's tremors hallucinations consistent drinking day in and day out needles reckless behavior more then your fair share of sex partners aches pain infections the list goes on and on and on and continuously and dont forget youre never too young to be an addict id suggest trying to maintain and get some help before its too late and youre 50some years old crawling through the back gate of some homeless shelter where theyll feed you what they can shower you when they can and pray for you all they can i have 58 days until my program is over i have 9 months true and sober my life is good i still have so much time left if i just hold onto this sobriety thing nice and tight because in the end it is worth all the patience in the world and all of the pain of reality

its been awhile a long long long long while ive made it to a recovery program a mission on a mission in a mission and to simplify it all my life got fucked up redone over and out lost and homeless all over again and now here i am sober almost 3 months learning to still learn how to learn and accept the things i cannot change today will be better then tomorrow tomorrow will be better then today it will all work out in the end

well. one more binge. one more time. and i went on for 2 days straight. reyll kill me eventually. if he happens to notice. or did notice. i ended up calling out. in the end im glad i did because i was fucked up. if i wouldve went in. it wouldnt have been good. not the best idea. so at least i did that. no more drinking is allowed. id like to actually see how long i can make that last. for real. this. time. repeat. again. well i just cant give up on giving up booze. that wouldnt make much sense. its already may. arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

go figure. ive gone an given up drinking once again. this will be the last time. i cant keep up with the drinking game any longer. i dont want too. it isnt going to be easy. already im replacing drinking with snacking and its getting annoying. so i think ill make this my overall life blog. not just about alcohol. but about everything. -------------------------- today ive eaten: spaghetti peas a few pringles and a piece of bread. im eating too many carbs and i dont like that. im craving sugar like crazy. due to the drinking. i was drinking nearly a bottle of vodka a day. basically an entire bag of sugar a day. my bodys gotten so used to it. ive got to balance my not drinking with my eating. usually i eat very little and pretty healthy. but right now im just craving anything. and everything. ill get a grip on it. right now im just freaking out because i want an excuse to drink. any reason to march on over to the store and buy a cheap little bottle. i cant. i cannot keep spending the last of my money on fucking booze. there is more that i need to accomplish right now. then getting faded. my damned phones off again for starters. i might want to focus my energy on that instead. ive been lazy the past 2 days and its driving me a little crazy. i need to get active. grrrr. i need to do so much right now. i dont feel like doing any of it. at all. except drinking coffee. sitting around. and watching television. im sure this will wear off soon. it has too. theres no choice about it. i hope i get paid enough to cover the rest of my rent. priority 1 stop drinking. 2. get active. 3. search out another temporary job. 4. focus energy on what i want and need. i hope this works. i have no choice this time. im doomed if i never stop. doomed.

not even sure where to begin. down and out and then down and sad and then sad and out and now...not giving much a fuck. and really. i know i should. but. the more it happens and the better i get at maintaining all over again...the better i feel. even tonight drew came over and offered me my whitefriend and i knowing better fully accepted. wanted. needed. and thought nothing of agreeing. and then as soon as i could i raced to the store and bought a bottle. for the come down of course. i dont like certain things without certain level-makers. the bringmedowns. i need time to time. and i want to be normal and clean and grown. but. i dont know if i can take it all so seriously. really? what the hell am i normalizing for? a desk job. a fucking salary. a pension. finally being able to buy that awesome car when i/m 104yrsold wearing diapers? and i dont think i should feel that way. but. i do. watch SUBURBIA. i was born at the wrong time. if i could go back. FUCK college. Fuck it. all. id do what i shouldve done in the first place. my own damned thing. i just started out late and it bothers people. makes them question their own journey i guess. im sorry if i look young and act young and if young people like me. im sorry for being a bad influence. but. ive never meant to be a role model. i just like being me. and im afraid that despite IT ALL. ill never change. its like some weird battle constantly. and i only ever want to change when i get into trouble. right now i guess im back to my FUCK IT ALL attitude. and im not sure how to feel about it. liver cancer vs. pollution caused cancer? or memory loss...or alztiemers...or however in the hell you spell it. arent we all dead anyway. is a real life going to make me so much happier? i wish i had the strength to find out right now. but. i sort of like being weak. it relaxes me. im no good with stress. or being MA-TOO-ERER. mature. i dont know. i guess we/ll see how it all shapes out.

im not clean. not even close. over the past few days ive gotten wasted and done a bit of blow. quite a bit actually. so much the other night that i couldnt stop shaking. got no sleep. ate nothing. and whatever i did eat well didnt last long. and i keep going. today. im popping what i think is muscle relaxers and drinking some bad rum i just happened to find. i want to become a star. and the only thing holding me back is my indecision on what i want to be known for. fuck a clothing line. every old singer/artist/rappers daughter or wife or stupid child has one of those. why? because they need to feel creative. in my opinion not everyone should have their own whatever. because. unfortunately. not every single human on the planet is talented. despite what reality television shows us. the rich get bored and decide they need to feel accomplished. im so tired of watching those shows about old stars and their families. just because youre fathers gifted doesnt mean the gods gave talent to you as well. ignore me. im ranting now about things not even related to my problem. i want to be normal and sober but i just cant seem to follow through. i like being high. i like being drunk. i hate the illness that follows but once it passes im right back in the game. time and time and time and time again. a comment said i need some thing big in my life. and for the give of me i cant think of anything i actually have that i consider big. i dont even own the bed i sleep in. the chance i had to concentrate on some thing i got wasted and fired. i couldve been an awesome well paid and enjoyed manager. but. i gave it away. i said no. i said GOD THE NEXT TIME I GO IN WASTED I NEED TO GET FIRED. and this time god actually followed through and agreed. when i was young i always knew for some reason despite it all that id always be fine. id always somehow be protected and taken care of. that no matter what trouble came and went that my angels would make sure i would get right back up again. i always knew that i would survive. but. today. i dont know. eventually my luck will abandon me. eventually ill abandon myself. and then what. can i just keep daydreaming through life? im gonna be 30 soon. and ive made nothing of myself. is this it?

well. i had a bottle last night. i knew i'd do it eventually. and i did. and now i want another. and i knew that would happen too. i feel like hell though. and i went into my new job sorta lit. and i can't do it. but. i want it so bad. i wish i had never ever picked up a bottle in the first place. i've been a drinker since i was young. i've been an alcoholic since i was 21. since i could buy it. and sneak it into my room. every since. it's been my best friend. and even though i know i feel best and on top of my game without it. i want it. always. wanting. always. needing. always. thinking. about it. vodka. nothing else. a beer if i'm desperate. but. voddie. my best friend. and my worst enemy. my killer. my love. and why? because. i don't know. because. i grew up watching my mom drink. my relatives drink. i got a taste for it when i was young. and i never seemed to shy away from it again. how depressing. i don't want to die like john. from liver cancer. dead. and gone. liver cancer took him. and lung cancer took my mother. and here i am not learning a goddamn thing. how upsetting. and depressing. i feel it right now. i can see me walking right to the store. and doing it all over again tonight. but. i can't. god. i can't. please no.

i'm not really angry with her being here. i'm just annoyed. when rey goes away i like the house to myself. it's mine right then. me and the dog. and of course i come home and here she is with her sister lounging on the couch. living here. but. not living here. when rey goes away i don't have to listen to them fucking or her annoying cackle laugh that's louder then any annoying jack hammer i've ever heard. i don't have to hear her whiney voice. and i can do as i please. and relax. that's all i wanted. i've never wanted to be alone so much before. and of course. i couldn't have it. and i don't care if they heard me when i came in..."seriously can't i be alone for five fucking minutes." i meant it. i still do. now i'll have to relax in my room and ignore them for as long as possible. i can only imagine she'll be fucking sleeping here tonight. GO HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you still have one. so go there. bitch doesn't pay shit here. i pay 550 in rent and then for internet i can't use which he says he pays every month but i distinctly remember paying it twice in a row. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! i want out of this town. i want away. i want to forget everything i've done here and everyone i've met. i want OUT. i'm annoyed. and it's building up. i want a fucking drink so bad it's aching and i know this feeling. i know it so fucking well. i know i'm going to walk to that store and get a bottle. sure. i'll talk myself out of it on the way there. but. i'll get it anyway. damnit. i can't. but. i WANT it. ------------------------- today wasn't even really a bad day. minus the fact i'm trapped in a job i can already predict me quitting soon. and a town i hate. in a house i can't stand anymore. trying to forget people that i don't really like right now. i just wanted to have the house to myself this weekend. rey's gone. i don't get these times very much now. i don't get to relax and kick it all by myself. alone. there's always someone here. someone CACKLING or WHINING in the next room. or the boy's here. don't get me wrong i love drew. but. just one fucking weekend alone. ---------------------------------- i'm annoyed because i want a reason to drink. i want that perfect reason to stomp down to the store and get my fix. maybe i need a nap. maybe that'll do it. -------------------------- AGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well. things are looking up i suppose. a few things have ogne my way and well i guess im still waiting on other things to do tha same. ive went a bit back on my "living just for me" thing. considering i again began obsessing over a certain person and texting that person knowing full well deep down inside this person does not care about me. not really. he care about anyone who is paying attention to him at the moment. other then that. its nothing. so i will try harder and not do that ever again. theres no point in keeping in touch when youre the only one really trying. there are real friends and well onlytherewhenineedyou friends. i perfer the real. so no more of that. ------------------------- well im happy i have a job. im happy i dont hvae to go home just yet. because. that was worrying me a little. unfortunately. i dont predict being at this new job long simply for the fact that...well no there are a few reasons. 1) its only part time supposedly and i cant survive in the real world on part time. 2) it only pays 8 an hour and the last time i was paid that was over a year ago and it barely did me well and i wasnt even paying rent at the time. 3) its in the same location, actually right across and i mean right across from where i used to work. and yes at first thats why i wanted the job i wanted to be close to my former coworkers (especially a certain few) but now...i really dont want to be bothered with them. and i know that sounds mean. but. really. im not mother hen anymore and i really kind of like it. i dont have to follow them around cleaning up their messes and giving small lectures about putting things away. and. i dont really well care to talk to them really. maybe if i dont bother them they wont bother me. i hope thats how this kind of works out until i land another gig farther away. i really want this internet cafe job. i think it would be awesome. plus im a night owl anyways so working a swing shift at a coffee shop would be ideal. i dont want to bring it up to anyone because im afraid ill jinx myself. but. im sure she wont call. no ones called except for godivas and that scares me. im not stupid or incapable of working so i dont get it. then again i didnt really start throwing out applications until 2 days ago. --------------------------------- i wanted to drink so bad last night i was actually afraid i might be tempted today to get a bottle since i have to finally break my last 100. i hope im stronger than that. i hope i dont think "oh just this once will be fine...ill be fine." because. thats what i always think and then the next thing i know im on a 4 day binger constantly drinking and drunk throughout rain or shine. ----------------- lately. ive been having these weirdweird dreams where people i rarely talk to are included playing roles well inside and outside of their nature. im beginning to wonder if my DTs are like when a baby cries for milk in the middle of the night. the past few nights it hasnt failed. i spend all day wearing myself out in order to fall asleep naturally. usually this involves walkingwalkingwalking exerciseexerciseexercise and then maybe some heavy reading or watching some late night tv until i feel like i cant keep my eyes open. so head to bed shamefully around midnight or 1 now (which is early as hell for me). and sleep for a few hours peacefully. and. then. usually around 2 in the morning the coughing starts. and the sweating. and the tossing and turning. and the whining. and the pacing. the being thirsty. the being restless. and i know part of it is allergies. but the same time almost every night that i havent had a drink. im beginning to wonder how long this will last. ------------------------ 3 days. 3 days without drinking one drop. without cheating by drinking one strong beer. without stopping to get a shot somewhere anywhere. without letting myself down. my life is boring right now, yes? definitely. but. i did spend some time last night reaching out to a few missed people. i seclude myself. and i need to stop it or me being sober wont last. loneliness always brings the need if anything. i think maybe if i get up the nerve ill give mandy a call later. i miss her and i know the written word isnt as meaningful as the spoken word. this is the first time in a year or so that i have no absolute idea of whats going to happen next. i have a clue. but. not a solid plan or idea. i guess if it all heads south ill either head to san diego (which i think i might do anyway) or race on back home. -------------------------------- day number 4. if i can make it 4 i can make it more. right? well ive procrastinated enough time to go get some clothes and hope for the best.

and it's all too late. i've actually realized that this entire "not drinking" thing is some thing that should be for real and not just "the boy who cried wolf" story repeated again and again. only my story is "the girl who cried i'll stop drinking" but decided not to really stop until of course she lost her job. and now. faces going back home. back to a fucking place she despises more for just one reason. and this girl now realizes that there are real consquences to your actions. this girl now realizes that "hey i guess i can't laugh in the face of authority and not expect to get fired." ------------------------ of course i had already pulled it off once. barely. stumbling in out of my mind intoxicated the entire time pretending it was all fine. everything was OKAY. it not BETTER. and got caught. got seriously threatened and reprimanded. and this pretty little princess PROMISED "oh no i'll never do it again. i'm going to fix my problem." fast forward a few months later. after some turmoil and testing the limits. the pretty little princess actually calmed down. was taking it seriously. was getting all of the praise she was used too. "JUST KEEP DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING." the same words that somehow sealed her fate before. only this time. she fucked it up permanently. she tested the limits after awhile. coming in slightly hungover or drunk. and then. oh that lovely day. she decided FUCK IT ALL OVER AGAIN! i do as i want. and so she did. she downed half that bottle of vodka all the way to work...from 9intheam until 11whenevershewassupposed to be there. and what do you think happened? CAUGHT all over again. and this time it was over. told not to come back. paid out in full. and look at her now. shaking and crying about going home. stupid pretty little college educated knows completely better but keeps testing limits princess. a failure at the one job she was probably the best at. the one job she actually sort of ruled and would've become some thing more then just a slave. gone. this same time last year i was just getting over homelessness. due to? guess. go ahead. guess. i'll give you a hint...her number one problem. the number one reason why she drives people away. and why she loses everything she loved. booze. ------------------------- and now here i am. stupid little princess. applying everywhere i see a HIRING sign. and getting more and more nervous. then again. it doesn't help that this stupid little princess sat on her fat ass boozing it up for the last 10 days. pitying herself. and hating the people she used to work with. because. she talked so much. and knew so much. and messed up. way worse then any of them ever had. --------------- it's my newnewnewnewmillionth second day completely sober. and yes i'm proud all over again. and yes i mean it this time. but the ache is getting worse as my panic sets in. i'm actually repeatedly figuring that if i buy just one more gallon i would definitely have enough money left out of MY LAST $100 to buy work clothes if i'm hired or to buy a ticket. but i know. better then anyone will ever know. except another alcoholic. that-that one gallon won't be enough because then i'll stay drunk completely for the next 3 or 4 days and go SOBER again. and then the panic. no job. the worry. the need. will set in all over again. i want to keep crying but i know i can't. i know i can't WISH for a job. i know i can't fix it right away. but. please GOD. let me actually fix it this time. i'm afraid of what will become of me if i do happen to not find a job in time. what then? i'll completely go to shit i know it. having to leave rey's will kill me. because i feel safe here. heading home will kill me. WHY DIDN'T I LISTEN TO ALL OF THE SIGNS? I USED TO BE SO INTO THAT. SO SPIRITUALLY AWARE. SO INTUNE THAT I KNEW AFTER THE FIRST COUPLE OF WARNINGS...THINGS GOT ABSOLUTELY FUCKED. I USED TO WARN PEOPLE..."BEWARE THE SIGNS." AND NOW LOOK AT ME. ALWAYS LECTURING BUT NEVER LISTENING. AND NOW. 28 DAYS. LEFT. AT HOME-HERE WITH REY. AND I'M AFRAID OF WHAT I'LL DO. I'M TOO OLD FOR ALL OF THIS. AND WHY KEEP ASKING WHY. I KNOW WHY IT ALL HAPPENED. BECAUSE "QUITTING IS FOR LOSERS." RIGHT? ------------------------ AND I KNOW THIS RAMBLING IS USELESS. it won't fix anything. and i know there are people that'd probably like to talk to me. but i've shut down. i've shut down. become obsessive. and worried. this is me sober. hyper. OCD. and sad. but. what do any of the people i know need me for? more disappointment? i'd like to spare them that. and. if by chance i do end up leaving town. i don't think i'll tell anyone. it's best if it's left unknown. that way it won't hurt so much either way what happens to me. GOD, i'm so sad. i wish i could ask for your help. but. it's too late. i've used up my nine lives. and. i'm not as badass as i thought. or. wanted to be. or. tried to be. my 'don't give a fuck attitude' has been my worst enemy. and. now what? now what?

HERE I GO AGAIN. day numero uno. ive been through so many of these that i might as well give up. i wish i loved myself more. and this isnt any of that pitymeshit. its real. i really wished i loved myself as much as others - almost - strangers seem to do. why cant i love me? why cant i heal? why cant i forgive myself? ----------------- i guess im tired of it so much because the people around me expect so much. expect me to do some thing with myself. because they see the potential i keep leaving alone. drinking away. day after day after day. and last night i went out. knowing i shouldnt. knowing i had to be to work in a few hours. but i went. and it was awesome-ly fun. but. i watched a friend of mine get completely wasted. to the point of falling down. unable to function. up close and personal view of how i must get with people. horrible. embarassing. sure. no big deal. ive lived a million nights. and have a million stories. but it didnt really hit home until she fell face first out of the car. it bothered me. to think of all the things ive done to myself and others. what couldve been done to me. and i think about the day at work when to of my close - in a weird way - coworkers actually were scared that i was dead. they were afraid for me. scared for me. and spread that fear to my roomie. and others who know me at work. and i realized how bad i couldve hurt them. by never seeing them again. and i dont want to hurt people anymore. but im scared. im scared im in too deep and its not going to work out. student loans. credit card debt. debt. debt. debt. and my health. how bad my bodys taken a beating after 2 - 4 years of straight up drinking and drug taking. the wounds. my teeth. me in general. and what if i cant fix it. im scared. and i dont want to keep drinking it away. i dont. want. to be. that. old dirty toothless woman. begging for change. slurring. lost. unable to be her anymore. ------- my good friend mandy. she knows it. and she says "where you are is exactly where you want to be unless you change it." so here we go kids. ROUND 534987904579875034 of these past few months alone. but as long as i keep trying...that means some thing right. DAY slash NIGHT NUMERO UNO now begins. one. more. fucking. day. at. a. time. -------------------------------- to rey...a sober xmas.

well. it didnt last long. as is the usual. just back from a nice long 2 day binge into no where land. no mind land. wastedland. sure parts of it were fun. and even worth a bit of drinking. but not really. no. tonight. when i get up the nerve im going to call that number they gave me and call. i dont want to die from liver cancer like my stepfather. i dont want to die period. i know its inevitable. death. but i dont want to go out in a bad bad way. and ive seen cancer first hand. and it gets no worse then that to me. maybe if i keep reminding myself about liver cancer and maybe researching it will help me. will motivate me. maybe. i sure hope so. because a bottle of vodka a day some times two. is definitely going to catch up to me soon. if it hasnt already. and thank you for your kind words. those of you who write. i just need to love myself as much as everyone else. i dont know why i cant. sincerely. destructive.

well that didnt last long. right off the wagon again. and the worst part is i was sick as fuck last night all until 6 or so this morning due to taking some hydrocodones. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? subconciously i worry. i wonder if im actually trying to kill off all of me. end up brain dead in some morturary just because i cant get over the past few years or so. drinking again. this time its a bottle of vodka i tricked a coworker into allowing me to buy. why? because anyone else who wouldve taken me home wouldve without a doubt said NO. but he doesnt actually know any better. he knows they call me ALCOHOLIC by joke. but not how the real deal is. i knew this would happen. there was only just a second of doubt. of concern that i would do it. and then it vanished as soon as we came closer to the store...i knew i wanted it so bad i wouldnt say no this night. fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck. there seems to be two parts of me. one who wants to get it all together again and the other who doesnt seem to care whether i live or i die. whether i do it now or later. im pissed but im not. part of me is only pretending to be disappointed in myself. while the other part is regretting the decision deeply and sincerely. i obviously cannot be trusted. i cant even trust my own fucking mind to say no. what is it going to take? what in the hell else needs to happen for me to actually fucking take this seriously. i think i/ll make a list. -------------------------------- THIS IS THE LIST OF JACKED UP SHIT I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED OR UNACCOMPLISHED DUE TO DRINKING: -------------------------------- 1. 2 MYSTERIOUS BLACKEYES 2. LOSING MY VIRGINITY TO A STRANGER 3. STEALING 4. BEING HOMELESS FOR ABOUT 3 MONTHS 5. BREAKING MY ROOMIE/S WINDOW 6. MAKING OUT WITH RANDOM STRANGERS 7. LOSING ABOUT 10 TO 20 GOOD FRIENDS 8. FIGHTS 9. SLEEPING OUTSIDE 10. GETTING MY IPOID STOLEN 11. GETTING MONEY STOLEN 12. FUCKED UP FINGERS ON MY RIGHT HAND THAT DONT REALLY BEND ANYMORE 13. WALKING IN MY ROOMIES ROOM WITHOUT MY PANTS ON 14. GETTING COMPLETELY ILL A THOUSAND AND SOME ODD TIMES DUE TO DEHYDRATION DUE TO DRINKING AND NOT EATING 15. BEING DEMOTED 16. CALLING OUT OF WORK 17. EMBARASSING SITUATIONS INVOLVING A NUMBER OF THINGS LIKE YELLING, SLURRING, FALLING DOWN, BREAKING THINGS, CURSING AT PEOPLE, FIGHTS, AND MY SEXUALITY QUESTIONED 18. MOLESTING PEOPLE NO MATTER WHAT 19. WANDERING AROUND AT 5 IN THE MORNING ALONE ON THE LAS VEGAS STRIP 20. RUINING ANYTHING MY ROOMIE OWNS 21. EATING MY ROOMIES FOOD 22. A FUCKED UP LEG INJURY DUE TO FALLING THAT STILL HASNT HEALED 23. PUTTING THE MOVES ON A GOOD FRIENDS BOYFRIEND 24. ALLOWING MY CAR TO BE LEGALLY STOLEN 25. COLLECTING DEBT BECAUSE I DRINK AND AVOID PROBLEMS - BILLS BEING A HUGE ONE OF THOSE PROBLEMS 26. PISSING OFF A PACK OF LESBIANS AND PISSING OFF PEOPLE IN GENERAL 27. FIGHTING WITH MY BEST FRIEND 28. ALMOST GETTING KICKED OUT MORE THEN ONCE 29. NO SAVED MONEY AT ALL 30. BY NOW A COMPLETELY USELESS LIVER ----------------------------------- AND THOSE OF COURSE ARE IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER. ----------------------------------- dont think for a moment im stupid or retarded or some buffoon who doesnt know any better. for a long time i didnt recognize. but now i know more clearer then day that i have a problem and looking up i probably forgot a ton more things that belong on that list. its been a few years of wracking things up. i just dont know what to do. people that love me want to help but they cant. theres no real way they can and it makes all of us sad. god. help me. please.

todays once again the new DAY ONE. i need to stop drinking. its seriously a problem ive been ignoring since day one of the day one of the day before. forever and a half life it feels like. i need to stop but its hard. harder then one without the same problem would think. its harder then hard for me. and im getting tired of failing and all i even want right now is one more fucking beer. one shot even. just some thing with alcohol. anything. id take a hobo swig of coughing syrup if i thought i could get it. ive done it before. and id do it now if i could escape the house without making my roomie suspicious. and he wants me to quit so bad. so so so so bad. and hes put up with so much since ive moved in. and still he cares about me. he cares a lot and i still dont really understand why. why does a guy ive only known a year care more about me then i care about myself? why cant i force myself to care? all of the damage alcohol has done to my life and i still want it so badly every day. i mean just last night and this morning i finished off an entire bottle of vodka by myself. what the fuck is wrong with me? i cant keep using my mothers death as an excuse. ive let so much get in the way of my living that its as though ive given up. im only 26 wth. --------------------------------- i hope i can make it through tonight. maybe if i make it through all night without walking down to that store then maybe i can make it through tomorrow night. i need help. and i need to make that call.