well. things are looking up i suppose. a few things have ogne my way and well i guess im still waiting on other things to do tha same. ive went a bit back on my "living just for me" thing. considering i again began obsessing over a certain person and texting that person knowing full well deep down inside this person does not care about me. not really. he care about anyone who is paying attention to him at the moment. other then that. its nothing. so i will try harder and not do that ever again. theres no point in keeping in touch when youre the only one really trying. there are real friends and well onlytherewhenineedyou friends. i perfer the real. so no more of that. ------------------------- well im happy i have a job. im happy i dont hvae to go home just yet. because. that was worrying me a little. unfortunately. i dont predict being at this new job long simply for the fact that...well no there are a few reasons. 1) its only part time supposedly and i cant survive in the real world on part time. 2) it only pays 8 an hour and the last time i was paid that was over a year ago and it barely did me well and i wasnt even paying rent at the time. 3) its in the same location, actually right across and i mean right across from where i used to work. and yes at first thats why i wanted the job i wanted to be close to my former coworkers (especially a certain few) but now...i really dont want to be bothered with them. and i know that sounds mean. but. really. im not mother hen anymore and i really kind of like it. i dont have to follow them around cleaning up their messes and giving small lectures about putting things away. and. i dont really well care to talk to them really. maybe if i dont bother them they wont bother me. i hope thats how this kind of works out until i land another gig farther away. i really want this internet cafe job. i think it would be awesome. plus im a night owl anyways so working a swing shift at a coffee shop would be ideal. i dont want to bring it up to anyone because im afraid ill jinx myself. but. im sure she wont call. no ones called except for godivas and that scares me. im not stupid or incapable of working so i dont get it. then again i didnt really start throwing out applications until 2 days ago. --------------------------------- i wanted to drink so bad last night i was actually afraid i might be tempted today to get a bottle since i have to finally break my last 100. i hope im stronger than that. i hope i dont think "oh just this once will be fine...ill be fine." because. thats what i always think and then the next thing i know im on a 4 day binger constantly drinking and drunk throughout rain or shine. ----------------- lately. ive been having these weirdweird dreams where people i rarely talk to are included playing roles well inside and outside of their nature. im beginning to wonder if my DTs are like when a baby cries for milk in the middle of the night. the past few nights it hasnt failed. i spend all day wearing myself out in order to fall asleep naturally. usually this involves walkingwalkingwalking exerciseexerciseexercise and then maybe some heavy reading or watching some late night tv until i feel like i cant keep my eyes open. so head to bed shamefully around midnight or 1 now (which is early as hell for me). and sleep for a few hours peacefully. and. then. usually around 2 in the morning the coughing starts. and the sweating. and the tossing and turning. and the whining. and the pacing. the being thirsty. the being restless. and i know part of it is allergies. but the same time almost every night that i havent had a drink. im beginning to wonder how long this will last. ------------------------ 3 days. 3 days without drinking one drop. without cheating by drinking one strong beer. without stopping to get a shot somewhere anywhere. without letting myself down. my life is boring right now, yes? definitely. but. i did spend some time last night reaching out to a few missed people. i seclude myself. and i need to stop it or me being sober wont last. loneliness always brings the need if anything. i think maybe if i get up the nerve ill give mandy a call later. i miss her and i know the written word isnt as meaningful as the spoken word. this is the first time in a year or so that i have no absolute idea of whats going to happen next. i have a clue. but. not a solid plan or idea. i guess if it all heads south ill either head to san diego (which i think i might do anyway) or race on back home. -------------------------------- day number 4. if i can make it 4 i can make it more. right? well ive procrastinated enough time to go get some clothes and hope for the best.