HERE I GO AGAIN. day numero uno. ive been through so many of these that i might as well give up. i wish i loved myself more. and this isnt any of that pitymeshit. its real. i really wished i loved myself as much as others - almost - strangers seem to do. why cant i love me? why cant i heal? why cant i forgive myself? ----------------- i guess im tired of it so much because the people around me expect so much. expect me to do some thing with myself. because they see the potential i keep leaving alone. drinking away. day after day after day. and last night i went out. knowing i shouldnt. knowing i had to be to work in a few hours. but i went. and it was awesome-ly fun. but. i watched a friend of mine get completely wasted. to the point of falling down. unable to function. up close and personal view of how i must get with people. horrible. embarassing. sure. no big deal. ive lived a million nights. and have a million stories. but it didnt really hit home until she fell face first out of the car. it bothered me. to think of all the things ive done to myself and others. what couldve been done to me. and i think about the day at work when to of my close - in a weird way - coworkers actually were scared that i was dead. they were afraid for me. scared for me. and spread that fear to my roomie. and others who know me at work. and i realized how bad i couldve hurt them. by never seeing them again. and i dont want to hurt people anymore. but im scared. im scared im in too deep and its not going to work out. student loans. credit card debt. debt. debt. debt. and my health. how bad my bodys taken a beating after 2 - 4 years of straight up drinking and drug taking. the wounds. my teeth. me in general. and what if i cant fix it. im scared. and i dont want to keep drinking it away. i dont. want. to be. that. old dirty toothless woman. begging for change. slurring. lost. unable to be her anymore. ------- my good friend mandy. she knows it. and she says "where you are is exactly where you want to be unless you change it." so here we go kids. ROUND 534987904579875034 of these past few months alone. but as long as i keep trying...that means some thing right. DAY slash NIGHT NUMERO UNO now begins. one. more. fucking. day. at. a. time. -------------------------------- to rey...a sober xmas.